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2021-07-16 - 8:49 p.m.

I had the companionship with my Buffalo gentleman friend who fit some time in to visit me as he headed south for a weekend with his frat bros.

I laughed at the comment "Don't call it a frat, its a fraternity and you will hear some of the other brothers say that very sincerely with seriousness".
They then follow up that statement with this really crude joke supposedly some analogy (which I will not repeat).. typical of... Well FRAT BOYS.
It was misogynistic humor!
I mean it it ridiculous how hilarious that comment is, with its lack of awareness of this analogy being made which is just absolutely stupid and doesn't help the case of this group being at all distinguished from the norm.
(I will admit the frat itself is not AS BAD as some... hazing less .... public service more.. they were always there at any fundraising run for example.. but then again this was Buffalo and there was always a beer tent after a run....)

They want to distinguish themselves from frat misogynistic rape culture as they get together to drink too much and make bad homophobic and sexist jokes.

They don't make racist jokes as try to be inclusive.

"OK Karens" I actually somehow thought.... feeling that that an appropriate knickname for them. It popped in my head in this moment- as my guest, visiting me in my town here, was in the grocery store with me and found it amusing to take a photo of some cereal marketing along with Gladd collaboration on marketing of cereal...
I forgot which one and looked it up to find this for more info and confirmation KELLOGS Together With Pride is the name of the cereal:'s-latest-collaboration-with-glaad-unwraps-why-boxes-are-for-cereal-not-for-people-301296425.html

So he took a picture of the cereal and I think was sarcastically saying it was what he was bringing to the gathering. It seems a bit of an odd knickname the Karens, but he also had taken a photo of a cake with each layer a rainbow color and my jibe just then at that point was hard to hold inside. I said as he took a photo of that cake to send, "I am just going to call you all 'The Karens"

So hear me out as to why that really is a perfect knickname for he and his group of Frat Boy Friends:

When two of they guys sent a picture at 9:15 AM saying Get up an go- start the day early... can't drink all day if not up and at em... some silly comment
(They were going golfing I believe) , my date for the day texted back the same photo with caption "Virgina is for Lovers" superimposed.

Was it worth the 10 minutes of his time to figure out to do that?

Just so dumb, not even funny, but juvenile. ( And he has trouble with time management but wasted time on interactions like that to feed the relationships with the Frat boys... prioritizing.... yet then went on a rant about how dumb this shared group text thing is and how he got angry he asked to be removed but is still on it. He ranted about how annoying it is and how we went off about it... but then said after the text...
"They text this dumb shit all the time, Its the stupidest thread- I can give the recap of the dumb jokes... ( which are stupid.. homophoic language of middle schoolers... which some of this Karens act like was so horriffic

They wonder why a book for middle school kids included kids talking in offensive crude language...

well it captured actual real life conversations...
and the kids that age and in high school are echoing the same trash talk they hear from their parents.

I think the Karens should be all those collective white middle class privaleged who like to say

" I am not racist"
" I am not sexist"
" I am not homophobic"'

and are freaked out about what is being taught in schools while all the while...
engage in racist, sexist or homophobic behaviors and use language expressive of these REAL views they REALLY hold. The masking these privileged white folks engage in is to hide who they are to pretend to give a shit about anyone else.

Here is one of the articles on the school controversy.

I mean to call them all Karens equally juvenile but I thought perhaps speak their language just a little as the homophobic joke is something they understand and to me somehow the racism of the "Karen" and the self entitled white privilege is just echoed in the frat boy mentality with a dose of sexism and misogyny thrown in.

In my head i just co-join racism with sexism. Of course that is NOT always accurate but I do think more often than not they ARE conjoined. Even women can be so influenced by learned social mores to be misogynistic just as black folks can be so influence that they could be racist against their own culture (As Xendi discussed in his book).

But it was so very disappointing my friend can be good to me but actually be such an asshole.

I mean that is such an asshole thing to do to still think homophobic jokes have anything funny about them.

And my jibe isn't really that funny either... but it just was in my head so strongly that they are a bunch of Karens.
I mean who the fuck cares about the gender of a Karen. Lets make it a gender neutral name for categorizing entitled groups that think it OK to demean others and mock those who are different than them.

The privilege was showing all the past couple days. Sense of entitlement strongly coming out. I saw it, was just matter of fact noticing its emergence in moments.

But then I was also justifying or trying to understand and find explanation.. but maybe that is just typical privilege rearing its head..
OH it is OK for him to show up ridiculously late because of his ADHD ..,, and maybe he is freaking autistic as his communication skill, and mine perhaps are also challenged so together that is a challenge.

Just venting as truth be told after those odd moments we actually ended up having a reasonable good time together.

and processing....
good to reflect and process...

Because there were some clear issues that arose the past couple days.

One: Inability for him to be on time; I mean CHRONIC issue. This far surpasses my being a few minutes late.
Its exponentially more impairing. If there is a family vaction for a week in the past he would join them for 4 or 5 days as never was organized enough and able to function in planning and executing a plan well enough to leave to be there when everyone else arrived. This is OK... I get it! Its nearly IMPOSSIBLE for him to do this thing called be on time, even now, after all the years of his challegnes. I GET IT... but he has also never tried to work with someone to grow and learn the skills to be successful at this. Instead he runs his own company and is not accountable to anyone other than his customers. He gets the work done... but on his own schedule, on his own time and that works for him professionally.

BUT THEN, as I was WITH HIM... I learned that there were Other things factoring in in the not being responsible about communication if not able to be ont time: Passive aggressiveness, avoidance, and...
sense of entitlement.

He was not willing to call the owner of a rented Bed and Breakfast to give the courtesy call ahead of time that he was running late.

AVOIDANCE of making that phone call. It seemed so much like a sense of privilege to me. Seemed more than just a debilitating inability to be on time (which I understood when he was driving as he can't multitask when driving) but also then his unwillingness to call once he got to MY PLACE Made little sense.

I didn't get it. HE was picking me up before we went somewhere local to stay as my kids really do not want to entertain guests and I am respectful of that.

But there was no choice when we could not get into the Bed and breakfast ...

and to me that was a sign of a NORMAL PERSON with HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

"Boundaries are kind"
So why the fuck would you EXPECT that if you show up at 11 pm you can get into a place when you initially were expected to arrive after 5pm but before 6:30? There was a window given. The owners were gracious as they were going out and were so kind to say to meet you at 10pm was OK. But when you didn't show then and didn't have the common courtesy to call ???

I Mean what the hell , Who DOES That

Persons who have such ingrained sense of privilege they thinking the world revolved around them

So He KNEW he screwed up. But he couldn't just call to APOLOGIZE

I said "Did it occur to you the reason the door is locked is there has been no acknowledgement and apology for your lack of courtesy?

as I was encouraging to text WE ARE SORRY to the hosts from us.

NO he wouldn't do it.
He was stubborn about it and it made no sense.

So the only text was sent at 11pm as we waited just a few minutes to see if any response. to his text that he arrived.

I mean it was so weird to me. The whole oddity of not being willing to apologize then.

NOW he was quick to apologize after there was further communication and the hosts DID Allow us to stay there the NEXT night.

HE took accountability, said he was sorry and was aware and I think genuine. But the night before it was like he was in oppositional defiance mode.
It was so weird.

Stubborn as hell.
Yet still oddly matter of fact with his views, and acting pleasant. Just odd...
and I really was quite indifferent about the whole thing. Oddly in a way I was happy to have more time to myself when he was not arriving at 5pm sharp as hoped for; and I wondered at that. I enjoyed having more time to practice guitar as I waited for him frankly, I had more time to read and write.

It was just the rockiest start to a couple days together... yet oddly when after he was angry at me and upset and I said

"If this is not working for you , you don't have to do it again; WE don't have to do this again."

he was not at all interested in that as resolution.

He had been angry at me and upset feeling I didn't listen to him. He was upset at my interrupting him....

Fair enough. I do that.
I take full accountability for that.

But there were a couple of other odd moments of absolute projection. It was just again so weird..

I won't go into those other than to say he said some things like...

" You were angry at me about _____________"

When I had not been angry about that particular issue that I think is actually his real issue ( Trying to not talk about OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF HERE... just limit it to my actual experience and my working through the stuff I have issues with....

Basically a few times he got angry at being triggered by SOMETHING That made him feel vulnerable and aware of some things he does legit have as issues. I however was not only not angry at him but no where in my thoughts at the time he mentioned he said I was harping on him WERE EVEN PRESENT concern at all about the issue he acts like I ruminated on with him.

Its kinda like the way my kids have acted in past when there is a point of anxiety making them worry about something.

Projection of your own concern onto the other person at the slightest moment or words or interaction that reminds you of your vulnerability and the concern you have is not at all uncommon!

It is just weird to experience someone actually in the moment of their projection of issues onto yourself.
And he was characterizing the problems as a communication issue. That didn't resonate with me at all, but it was rather difficult to identify the issues that actually made him angry without ripping off the mask HE WAS WEARING and address his REAL issues which he did not initiate talking about.

When someone projects I think it makes sense to just respond to clarify that was not what you intended to convey in your communication but I DO NOT think it makes sense to call out the actual projection and then try to point out how the other person REALLY has this problem!
That would GO NOWHERE In improving relationship and understanding of each other.

So over breakfast I said "Lets talk about this communication issue."

And I tried best to listen and hear him out to get some clarity if there is any behavior I exhibit that is actually something I need to fix.

I can work on not interrupting, and active listening skills applied to my conversations with him with specific intention of better communication.

Will see..

I KNOW that that will do NOTHING if he does not address HIS issues and continued to project those onto me. BUT that is truly NOT MY ISSUE!

What is in my domain is that I can decide if this relationship does not makes sense for me.

This article did resonate! Much of the stress is due to incompatibility.
Things like when we were on the porch of the Bed and Breakfast we sit down in rocking chairs and he asks us to talk about the plan for the next day.

Frankly I was DUMBFOUNDED! Literally confused and looked at him and said befuddled " What are you talking about? The PLAN ? I am intending to be mindful in the moment we are in. Now we are sitting on the porch and I want to relax. Tomorrow we are going to be here and just relax. Isn't that enough of a plan?"

I mean we finally arrive at the bed and breakfast and I am thinking "Isn't just relaxing here ENOUGH? The plan is to enjoy each others company?"

OMG I just bit into a piece of the sponge candy he brought me and... it is ORANGE... It is marvelous... sesual and enjoyable....
Better than sex,,,
oh yeah...
better than all the sex we didn;t have as he wanted to keep talking about what we were going to do tomorrow or talk about how he didn't understand why it is so hard to communicate with me and I acted like there was something wrong with him when he wanted to make some simple plans so we know what we are doing....

I didn't want a plan. .I thought lets just get it on... come on attraction isn't incompatible so lets go with what we know is OK?

But I swear this man says he is attracted, says he is interested,, but must have a low libido
I don't know.. but there are issues with that intimacy which have not been as challenging with other partners. I don't care much as accept each sexual relationship for what it is.
But its just again a bit disappointing, When time yourself is more satisfying. I mean good chocolate, a good book, good music and myself I can have a wonderful evening.

I am truly self satisfied! LOL But I enjoy our companionship and even accept the idiocy of the Karens which I find absolutely distateful.
He is so respectful in so many other ways so I hate to only vent and share only the negatives. KNOW this is the ranting diary to get the crap out and cleanse ...
A cleaning and clearing relies upon release and expunge of shit.

I am venting of all the crap of the past couple days.
But know that crap is created out of good things at times. There were also moments that were beautiful and joyful. I mean MANY Of them.

The Frida picture in the bedroom we stayed at...
the NACCP postor honoring Brown V Board of Education in the Bathroom
The ART! OH the ART hung all through the home and the beautiful surroundings.
The conversation with the hostess who despite our being rude and not showing up on time was the BEST, MOST GRACOUS HOST EVER!!!

So here is an article I found before I wrote as I was trying to wrap my head around the past couple days odd moments:

YES there are some actual incompatibilities.

The differences are deeper than some mentioned. To date we have avoided having arguments about differences of view of some things in the world.

I will mention just a few more GOOD THINGS

My children , who were imposed upon unexpectedly were LOVING AND GRACIOUS and ACCEPTING

of the fact we got stuck here. What was I going to do? Turn my guest away at 11pm at night when the Bed and Breakfast was inaccessible?

I mean I could have let him fend for himself. But I risked the drama with my kids
and came in myself to explain to the two playing a game in the living room what happened and that I was going to have a guest but we would stay out of their hair and respect their space and privacy.

It was fine.

In fact I think I enjoyed being home and being able to share my home with him. I WAS DELIGHTED he gets to see how I live!

He got to see my NORMAL morning routine; I was doing dishes and walking my dog like normal. I did make a nice breakfast of an eggs benedict ( cheater recipe! Just use a can of creamed soup of choice with a tablespoon of good mustard for mock hollandaise, and instead of poaching you can bake eggs in greased muffin cups for about 13 minutes) and we ate on the porch. None of the kids wanted to join us.

No prep time for a guest. (Heck I didn't think he would be here!) So I did spend a few minutes to quickly clean my bathroom and then a few more to do a super fast straightening of my bedroom ( mostly putting books back on the nightstand bookshelf rather than being all over my room). And stashing away a journal or two I did not want to remain temptingly pout in the open.
( I hope I can find where I quickly tucked them away.) I mean those have more interesting DETAILS of some of my oh so FEW social interactions... and it is just obvious this is not a committed relationship with any agreement whatsoever of exclusivity

I actually love this definition of exclusivity I just found: the inability to exist or be true if something else exists or is true.

I reject exclusivity in my relationships with the current men in my life. (Not that there are really any men more than friends currently but for this one man. The others are really all in the past... but nonetheless EVEN IF NOT Current )

I believe they ARE ALL TRUE relationships.

I don't believe in exclusivity!
Its a BS concept. There are things which will ALWAYS Be true and cannot be threatened! EVEN If there are OTHER things that co-exist!

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