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2021-07-19 - 12:13 p.m.

Today's horoscope received by email encapsulates essentially what I am disappointed my gentleman friend DOES NOT have comfort doing with me:

"Jul 19, 2021 - Do you know how to just relax with your partner at home and still manage to enjoy yourself just as much as if you were to go out and do something fun? Is it easy or hard for you to be in stillness with your lover?

These are all good questions to contemplate on as the Moon is in Sag and in your 4th house today. It is crucial that you feel like you can spend time with your partner where you aren't "doing" so much as you are just being with one another.

One indicator that you are genuinely close to someone and have a solid connection is being able to be with them without needing distractions or needing to converse all the time.

This would be a great time to practice spending time with your partner at home, maybe you can cook dinner for them and just cuddle. Allow yourself to experience pleasure doing those simple yet meaningful things."

The question of "What are we going to do?"
"Let's make a plan"

are ones I get disappointed in hearing when we have time in which we COULD be alone and intimate.

It's not that he does not have the DESIRE... oh yes he certainly does.
I am assured of that and there is no question.

It's that he doesn't really have the SkiLLS and the comfort and is not at enough peace to just BE.

To just BE STILL together.

It's an interesting thing. I think he can do so if I enter his world when I am at his home, in his comfort zone.

So that is the time I enjoy spending with him. THEN he is able to relax and JUST BE.

Then our time is great together the WHOLE weekend we spend together as we have that balance of both shared time, and alone time and we each get enough time to just BE as individuals and to just BE together.

When traveling elsewhere, out of his element he definitely has challenges with that.

It is an interesting thing.

I noticed when we were out to dinner last night that the insistence on mutual decision making REALLY IS when I say something and he had a different opinion. It is more the inability to let me make the decision. This was really clear to me last night.

He said "let's pick a restaurant." I was CLEAR on the one I wanted.

He was acting like the menus we had read on an earlier walk were from a different place ( OK So perhaps he was mistaken?) but I was insistent on walking around the block to find the ones we read earlier-

as I was excited about one particular menu

It has grilled bree and almonds
a number of amazing looking salads
beets and pear salad with gorgonzola and maple pecans with balsamic
a sandwich with grilled gueyere with tomatoes an herb aiola

and there were some signature drinks- including a Moscow Mule

which to me read " They have Ginger beer!" ( I can skip the Vodka- can take it or leave the addition of that and lime... I mean a good ginger beer and I am happy and I WILL enjoy a Moscow Mule but frankly the addition of a bit of alcohol doesn't make it any more pleasurable or me any more agreeable. I read a recent profile of an Airbnb where the proprietor wrote " Beer and wine make me agreeable" which I though hilarious and also THAT is a GOOD reason to drink in moderation! If it HELPS an otherwise difficult ornery person relax to be more agreeable!!)

I mean I read this menu on the afternoon walk checking out this quaint historic town we visited yesterday afternoon before we went on a nice short but beautiful hike in the area.

I live near mountains and valleys and rivers all within a 45 minute drive, so we picked a town and it was another quick "Staycation" for me close to home with my gentleman friend on the leg of his weekend travels before he headed back up to Buffalo.

It was interesting to me however to see the things he had challenges with. He has trouble being decisive but then he also has trouble when I am decisive just agreeing to what I want seems to be his actual issues.

It is so funny to me as he complains about it taking forever to make a decision and then gets annoyed acting like I am impatient ( I am sure I am and I suppose it shows) , but he argues with every decision I make and every suggestion wanting to consider alternatives.

So I realized he is actually very difficult!

Moreso than I realized before I suppose.

Its an odd thing.

But I realized it when he finally assented to the restaurant after I was crystal clear that is where I wanted to go. I said "This is my pick but if you don't like it I am happy to go somewhere else as long as I can get a salad."

But I insisted that was in fact the menu I found more interesting. I said I wanted a salad and said no to the place without salads on the menu.

( There were plenty of options).

So we went in. Then it was decisioning over the menu...

Do we want to share a couple entrees?

I had already mentioned the salads I really was interested in and that there were a couple so it was hard to decide BETWEEN them.

So he suggested we get two entrees and split them. I am thinking he obviously is not interested and is ignoring the things on the menu I pointed out both on our walk and just moments before when I was gushing over the appetizer menu and he was clearly not interested in any of the fancy cheeses or sauces that he had no idea what they were - it was clearly Greek to him. Reminded me of being at this amazing farm to table restaurant once that we stopped into after one particular hike when he looked at the menu and said "There is nothing I can eat here"
and dismissed it...
and we then went to a biker bar and pizza joint in town; which sure was fun as full of the Harley riding crowd after their day of riding in hick town PA...
That was a blast...
But we just left this amazing restaurant

Which later I read a travel article on as it won an award and was named the #1 best restaurant-

perhaps only in PA...
but still... in the area surrounding the closest city remarked as the #1 restaurant worth taking a trip to eat at.

We just HAPPENED To be there!!

I know that is such a snobby thing to let that bother the crap out of me at the lost opportunity. It is petty, it is selfish..
I mean I KNOW THIS.

I can always go back there.

But the thing is
I just want to someday have someone to travel with that has more compatible tastes in food and wine and drink and entertainment and also more aligned views...
or at least doesn't get argumentative... It's funny I was looking at the drink menu and commented on Grenadine, saying "That is the cherry liquor, correct?" He said "No", and I questioned my own knowledge. I KNEW it was cherry and that was validated when the waitress came by but I wondered why I didn't even trust my own knowledge of that. It bothered me. . . small thing; but the thing is he was a bartender for years so I wonder that he really didn't know that. Maybe he didn't. But then I wonder if he actually has a habit of being contrary that I didn't notice? Perhaps I am reading too much into little things.. but maybe also picking up on some traits I didn't notice for a while.
I just want to be dining a traveling with someone who doesn't ARGUE with me in small moments in which I would otherwise find JOY! Such as- when I find a book at the AirBNB called "American Marxism"
and pick it up with interest then laugh alot
as it is actually a really good read if you like conversational style-- which I do,

AND
if you enjoy hearing all the 2021 popular views of ANTIFA and the BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT
as evil Marxists and the liberal academia agenda of deconstructing the freedoms in America and attempting to destroy and dismantle our as they said "Republican Democracy"

Seriously that was how the phrase read.

Not Dismantle our Democratic Republic

(Which is the actual type of entity of our US Government,

but dismantle our "Republican Democracy"), I would love to be with a companion that can see the humor in the ridiculousness of that!

I mean these theories are laughable to me. I couldn't really enjoy reading it and commenting freely as I knew my opinions would not be listened to openly and welcomed. Truth- I had to keep my thoughts to myself to keep the peace. That is not the kind of relationship I want to be in. I don't want to start to censor myself or hold back in my opinions in order to feel comfortable. I don't want to HAVE to avoid an argument! The book was delving into why Critical Race Theory is a evil to be combatted.

It was fascinating the claims it makes about critical race theory with no sources or citations to the actual theory itself ( and no actual understanding of it.)

A talks show in a book with lots of annotations and footnotes to the other current talking heads and their opinions.
from folks like Delagado
who many in my local area think is just a ranting idiot.

I mean the guy is laughable.

In any case I just made the comment that the title of this book was misleading. I thought it was going to be a book ABOUT American Marxism. I was expecting a history book. I wanted to know what happened to the Marxist party here- I wanted to read of its history and its challenges and how it was presented ( obviously it would not be welcomed by mainstream that goes without saying) but to read of THAT Actual history would be interesting IF THERE EVER WAS a presence other than a handful of radicals aligning with Marxism here in the U.S.

I saw reference to the Weather Underground...
discussion of one of the leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement as having been connected to some group a former convicted member of the radical Weather Underground started.

Tenuous and thin claims of Marxism existing in the U.S.

So that was the only thing the book seems to substantiate. There is not an American Marxist party
as it seems about as codified as an entity as ANTIFA.

Non existent.
So it was a book repeating the fears of Marxism in liberal academia.,,,

with most of its sources the other talk show folks and FOX news... etc...

I thought it was a tremendously FUN and interesting read to see what is going through the heads of folks that think there are some threats to democracy.

But my gentleman friend got a little aggressive when I made the one and only one comment on the book to him that
"This is actually well written in the style of conversation if you like that style- which I really do, but it reads like a talk radio show, which I also enjoy- and that makes sense as the writer is a talk radio host; but I was disappointed its not what I EXPECTED when I picked it up. I thought it was a history book and all the citations of information in it are other 2021 opinions. The name is misleading."

And he immediately got almost angry and defensive in response which I found really weird and concerning saying " What are YOU going to do, write to the author and complain? Tell them how wrong they are?"
I said "No more like the editor that the title is not great-- but then again it IS good marketing and their goal is to sell books so I am sure it is effective..."

It was just the WAY he said that...
hard to capture when describing the interaction;
But the fact was he was seemingly angered and voice and demeanor expressed that.

Whatever....
It just gets disappointing and old to be around so many folks in my world (they are all here where I live!!!) that see the world through a different filter from me who are not interested in hearing my perspective. I HEAR Their perspective. I respectfully skimmed the book , engage in conversation and try to understand and appreciate what I can of it. I respect diversity of opinion as long as not actually racist or sexist or homophobic and not actually hurtful or hurtful to others with intentionality.

I came back home after what was OVERALLY A really lovely visit from the afternoon until this morning.
So not really complaining too much...

No one is perfect.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

This is just not the relationship of long term partners. That is really, really clear.

And I suppose that in the end my old lover who used to say he thought we all really do want to find that kind of partner we can go through life with and grow old with may be correct.

I argued then I was not interested.
I suppose however he is correct. At least I think for me- I MAY Be STARTING To get over my fear of commitment issues!

He is married now.

For me in order to KNOW I have overcome my fear of commitment issues I need to be reliable and consistent in my commitments to LOVE MYSELF.

I need to be able to follow though with promises to self to carve out time for healthy balance. For me that means dedicating time fo the exercise/dance class and going consistently; participating in my church leadership and my volunteer work with arts org consistently.

I mean if I can not be committed to my own well being, my own spiritual and healthy wholistic development , how can I commit to another in any meaningful way that will last.

OK, quick 10 minute micro nap. I was dozing while working this AM, so came up for a break.

I wrote instead of dozing and just dozed off again writing...

Quick nap then back to work.
I KNOW I am tired as I had decaf and coffee for breakfast and did not eat yet. One of my teens ate all my leftover salads for breakfast when I came in.

Nap, lunch briefly then back to work for the afternoon.
I have an Agreement to really dig deep into and focus on. It includes EVERYTHING in the prime contract but as a subcontractor there is no way I accept all the same terms just copied and pasted to flow down unaltered into our subcontract. Heck No!

I LOVE MY JOB!

They really benefit from my careful editing , redlining and pushing back negotiating a more streamlined agreement which reduces their risk tremendously.

Truth be told if you have solid relationships built on shared trust and integrity, the contracting is easy to do. So I am hoping to facilitate such in every business relationship I either develop or nurture for them through the contract process. I think so far I am doing really well in that regard.

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