2021-07-21 - 9:47 a.m.

YAH ! Thankful that today there is a new world which requires being loaded into the game enviroment which my kids all play daily.

That meant that while it loaded the kids could not be playing the favorite game!

Fortunately the most recent addition to this house full time, the teen who moved here a couple or maybe be even a few? months ago who had lingering boxes in the living room after I gave up on the battle of the boxes...

and was letting them sit as the teen ostensibly was unloading "a little at a time"

was AWAKE early, in a good mood very excited about the new game AND open to help and

since could not play

took the time to FINALLY sort through AND Communicate with ME about the fact that they have ALREADY gone through the boxes (most of them if not all- one left I am not sure of.)

So we were able to together (as my help and encouragement WAS required to GET IT DONE)-
have a system of
thowing stuff out or
putting in the box to go to the thrift store ( or be re-allocated if worth keeping. Not much was of interest to anyone else.)

AND FINALLY on this happy trash day we got five boxes unpacked, items for thrift store in the car to be donated, and the cardboard broken down in the recycle bin.

It of course was NOT that hard and could have been done months ago had this kid not required the sense of self autonomy, teenage resistance to feeling controlled by getting some help when overwelamed with a task etc..
oppositional defiance....
anxiety at the task at hand..

that seemed much harder than it was...
with outright refusal to engage with any offers to help get it done.

It was more about control of
"Don't touch my stuff" and knowing as a PERSON

one is RESPECTED and has actual personal boundaries and is a SELF to be resepected.

I get it.

Especially after years of not being acknoweldged as an individiaul

At least that is what if felt like for my kids.

The negative messages and boundary issues, lack therof, which abuse is a result of
were much stronger sadly than the message

YOU ARE UNIQUE
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU ARE SPECIAL and
I am so HAPPY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.

Messages of
" This is MY house and I own all the things in it... KIDS can't OWN Property.. news flash until you are 18"...etc...
were the mantras they all heard.

And things like " YOU Cant' do that" ( if interested in advanced academic programs for example... consistent message my oldest received when finished middle school that the next kids received. I heard it echoed when the one who was heartbroken at efforts to go to TJ being thwarted by Dad spoke of this. I was trying to JUSTIFY the abuse saying to try to forgive as he thought it was in best interest and this kid cleared up my mistaken thinking to remind me

NO HE SAID " I don't want to go to that effort. I am not interested in working that hard"

basically meaning " not interested in working that hard for YOU... no matter what it means to you, how important it is to you,..
you are not that important to me."

I have to remind myself of those past consistent messages received to understand why one kid, on their birthday
ON HIS birthday rather ( I am still getting use to the myriad of new pronouns my offspring have been identifying with and I get them wrong often... despite effort! IT IS A LEARNING CURVE)

Why,, on HIS birthday the Ice Cream Cake I could get at the local market was not apprechiated even though it had his name on it and I thought the gesture and effort was important ON the BD

EVEN thought it was not VANILLA like he wanted.

It was chocolate and vanilla

and he was not grateful but felt hurt.

Felt like the cake was for me to feel good about myself for the show of it, but I didn't really CARE about his feelings and preferences.

I GET IT they hypesensitivity, The hurt I did not LISTEN ( so he said... he said he said don't get anything if they don't have plain vanilla)

Not sure if that is gaslighting on his part of changing what he said after the fact to have a reason for the anger addiction to be met with a dopamine hit of finding somehting to be angry about... the normative in their world yelling and blow ups don't happen often and occassionaly when upset he finds some REASON to let himself subvert back to that kind of behavior pattern...

but not often thank GOD....
and I understand where it comes from...

BUT it was sad to see on the birthday the regression to past pattern and him not being able to be flexible and ENJOY The moment of the gesture and let the family celebrate him EVEN WITH A CAKE HE DID NOT LIKE

I didn't expect it to be not liked at ALL thought the vanilla was a preference not a requirement! DIFFERENCe

But this is the brain after trauma

The validation of the person's preferences is almost a necessity for healing.

A requirement.

YES high maintenance. But I think if the person with trauma is valued and forgiven and feels safe THEN They are in a postiion to learn skills of compromise and self regulation.

SAFETY needs to come first. We are in stages of healing... further than before...
the upset was dramatic and not typical
a bit over the top
but not abusive and violent in response thanfully at the slight of the wrong cake.

SHEESH

NOt off to work.

I was upstairs and intended to work at 9am but then teen awoke so seized the opportunity to get house less cluttered with other people's messes I am cleaning up!

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