2021-07-21 - 9:47 a.m.
YAH ! Thankful that today there is a new world which requires being loaded into the game enviroment which my kids all play daily.
That meant that while it loaded the kids could not be playing the favorite game!
Fortunately the most recent addition to this house full time, the teen who moved here a couple or maybe be even a few? months ago who had lingering boxes in the living room after I gave up on the battle of the boxes...
and was letting them sit as the teen ostensibly was unloading "a little at a time"
was AWAKE early, in a good mood very excited about the new game AND open to help and
since could not play
took the time to FINALLY sort through AND Communicate with ME about the fact that they have ALREADY gone through the boxes (most of them if not all- one left I am not sure of.)
So we were able to together (as my help and encouragement WAS required to GET IT DONE)-
AND FINALLY on this happy trash day we got five boxes unpacked, items for thrift store in the car to be donated, and the cardboard broken down in the recycle bin.
It of course was NOT that hard and could have been done months ago had this kid not required the sense of self autonomy, teenage resistance to feeling controlled by getting some help when overwelamed with a task etc..
that seemed much harder than it was...
It was more about control of
one is RESPECTED and has actual personal boundaries and is a SELF to be resepected.
I get it.
Especially after years of not being acknoweldged as an individiaul
At least that is what if felt like for my kids.
The negative messages and boundary issues, lack therof, which abuse is a result of
YOU ARE UNIQUE
And things like " YOU Cant' do that" ( if interested in advanced academic programs for example... consistent message my oldest received when finished middle school that the next kids received. I heard it echoed when the one who was heartbroken at efforts to go to TJ being thwarted by Dad spoke of this. I was trying to JUSTIFY the abuse saying to try to forgive as he thought it was in best interest and this kid cleared up my mistaken thinking to remind me
NO HE SAID " I don't want to go to that effort. I am not interested in working that hard"
basically meaning " not interested in working that hard for YOU... no matter what it means to you, how important it is to you,..
I have to remind myself of those past consistent messages received to understand why one kid, on their birthday
Why,, on HIS birthday the Ice Cream Cake I could get at the local market was not apprechiated even though it had his name on it and I thought the gesture and effort was important ON the BD
EVEN thought it was not VANILLA like he wanted.
It was chocolate and vanilla
and he was not grateful but felt hurt.
Felt like the cake was for me to feel good about myself for the show of it, but I didn't really CARE about his feelings and preferences.
I GET IT they hypesensitivity, The hurt I did not LISTEN ( so he said... he said he said don't get anything if they don't have plain vanilla)
Not sure if that is gaslighting on his part of changing what he said after the fact to have a reason for the anger addiction to be met with a dopamine hit of finding somehting to be angry about... the normative in their world yelling and blow ups don't happen often and occassionaly when upset he finds some REASON to let himself subvert back to that kind of behavior pattern...
BUT it was sad to see on the birthday the regression to past pattern and him not being able to be flexible and ENJOY The moment of the gesture and let the family celebrate him EVEN WITH A CAKE HE DID NOT LIKE
I didn't expect it to be not liked at ALL thought the vanilla was a preference not a requirement! DIFFERENCe
But this is the brain after trauma
The validation of the person's preferences is almost a necessity for healing.
YES high maintenance. But I think if the person with trauma is valued and forgiven and feels safe THEN They are in a postiion to learn skills of compromise and self regulation.
SAFETY needs to come first. We are in stages of healing... further than before...
NOt off to work.
I was upstairs and intended to work at 9am but then teen awoke so seized the opportunity to get house less cluttered with other people's messes I am cleaning up!
Update. Pricing Heat Pumps - 2022-04-22
PRESENCE in my Priority - 2022-04-20
Spring Cleaning Time - 2022-04-18
This too shall pass - 2022-04-15
Appalachia Woes Just came across this Podcast today. Kinda random But did see Hillbilly Eulogy some months ago - 2022-04-12