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2021-07-31 - 12:33 p.m.

I have those days where I wake up and just don't want to do anything.

Often it is a Saturday after a busy work week.

This week I worked at my part time job at the assisted living place every day but Friday. I was there last weekend and there this weekend as well. Their regular 2nd shift gal took her summer vacation so I filled in.

and BOY am I tired!

I was in need of some "me" time after working and ended up staying up too late. Not doing anything really productive but needed that down time. I stayed up too late obsessively listening to music of one particular local musician I really enjoy,

He is playing out and about again.

I am not yet keen on going out and about much, but the fact of a show Friday night motivated me to at least binge listen on line on Thu night knowing I would not be going out.

That somehow made me feel a little better ! Like not missing out!! LOL

I haven't the budget to go out for a bit (after vacation!) anyway... but also with this resurgence of the Delta variant my extra cautious kids are still really anti socializing and frankly I enjoy being home so a reason to go out has to be VERY compelling to make it worth the discomfort of pushing THEM all out of their comfort zone and arguing with them over my choices.

Its just not worth it frankly sometimes.

I mean even when they are an absolute PIA collectively... as a mother, with the youngest 16, I feel like I still have the obligation to be fully present and engaged with them and when have time and am home cook a meal and TRY to have family time together.

So I chose to cook on Friday night then call everyone to come eat.

They did not want to. It is disappointing... so I cook less and less simply as it really is a downer after cooking when family refuses to come to the table and eat family style.

I can't FORCE them to do so; and they have no hesitation to criticize my cooking and go on about it while making ramen noodles.

The interesting thing is they criticise me if I don't cook!

I have however given up putting effort into making a nice meal every night. I used to rely on the crock pot and on weekends when I worked I was sure to make a really nice meal for lunch at 1pm to serve to the whole family before I had to leave at 2pm.

At some point their criticism was the norm so I decided I don't need to subject myself to abuse frankly.

They can cook what they will eat.

But I still try to make a meal and go to the effort of attempting to have a family meal once or twice a week.

They typically refuse.

So I don't worry about the fact they can be critical I don't cook now.

The older ones are 19 and 20.

I really only have an obligation to the16 yr old.

I try to cook for her frankly. I feel badly for her a bit, but not that much as she is and has always been the pickiest eater of the bunch anyway.

Next week is band camp. She would not decide if she is going to go or not ahead of time. When I asked she said "It's none of your business."
although I said-
:you might want to let the band director know so he can plan; and let me know if you need anything to bring like gatorade or things for packing lunch. Planning ahead is helpful."

She is very much in teenage brain mode of "Leave me alone".

So i am congnizent also of STAYING HOME rather than the escape to go out because it is more comfortable to do so!!

I so would have loved to have escaped the criticism of my own home from my own children.

My oldest two think the younger ones are just so poisoned in a way from the abuse they endured for years that they are negative to the core and it is just unhealthy for me. At some point they feel like I can choose happiness and let go of responsibility for the choices of my other children.

Its not that easy. I think most parents do not abandon even their rotton children.

I feel also no inclination to WANT To do so when they are rotten!! They are not rotten ALL The time...

not quite rotten to the core....
there is still some core left untarnished I think...
and when I am present and here they DO reach out to me and allow me into their worlds.

I am just venting as cooked last night and only received complaints. I stopped writing as the teen made tater tots that were ready!! See I complain but these kids DO cook for me now! So really can't complain too much!! They just do their complaining audibly whereas I vent here rather than bitch at them. Such is life....

Feel better now after a morning relaxing. I did some laundry and did get over to the morning exercise class at 9 (It started at 8:30). I still had low energy after a half hour of exercise. Just needed to rest.

I spent the last hour or so looking at campsites and trying to convince the teen that it would be fun to go camping next weekend.

I had a site in my cart for an amazing spot but it disappeared before I could navigate getting my dormant account to work for recreation.gov OR rater set up a new one.., as the old one was not recognized.
Ce la vie....

If its slow at work I can try again as I think a weekend with the fam camping would do us good.

We would have to interact and talk to each other! LOL

I found some that are dog friendly...so will see.

Cash is tight but I just realized that each month I pay MORE than the mimimum on muy mortgage as want to pay off home as quickly as possible. So I just paid the minimum and that would cover travel expenses for a cheap camping trip! Sites run about $30 a night. We could swing it if I find a spot opening due to cancellation!

Heck if no one else will go I can always take Trixie for a night. I just wanted to bring the whole family to the beach once this year! (Looking at beach sites. There are some great state and national campgrounds on beaches!)

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