2021-08-06 - 12:04 p.m.

WOW My water bill is $50 to $60 cheaper from having the plumbers come and fix my dripping faucet.

That is astounding to me and something to celebrate! I am happy I just got the bill as could use a moment of joy today.
I also wonder if despite the heat my teen and young adult shower less!! LOL Counterintuitive for most...
but they are not athletic ( due to POTS) and I think in winter perhaps a warm bath or shower is more relaxing as it helps WARM one when cold;

whereas the effort to shower takes such a great deal of energy that it is not worth it when it is so hot out if not out and about sweating.

Life of folks with POTS is different from others.

Showers are akin to a run for most people. The standing is a full cardio workout.

My kids do not stand much!!

Except... for the good news of the one teen now in Marching Band!

YEAH

I am so delighted. I enjoy helping out as a Band Mom.

Not the helicopter mom type at all, but I am the volunteer in the community type.

I came her to just write a vent for one minute as I was so sad and upset today.

Seems like a small moment but it was such a blow to me and a huge trigger to make me sad.

When I worked on financial aid forms of one kid I was perplexed that on her FAFSA form it asked how long she lived in VA and she wrote some year other than the year of her birth
and when it asked when and why moved she wrote
Divorce

I found it odd.

I mean cause she was born here and yes, while we do go back and forth to CA then Syracuse area (Fayetteville Manlius in a fab historic house on a main road through center of town that was lovely but for the memories of the crazy abuse that happened there); and Rochester area (Pittsford) now I forget which came first Syracuse Area or Rochester Area???,,,

So thought it odd to see she wrote that inaccuracy, but I didn't really dwell on it, or suggest she correct her form. It was her info and I thought not a big deal...
BUT THEN
Today , after scheduling a physical ( at the last moment really as college starts again soon) for my almost adulting , but not quite adulting 20 yr old with a physician in town (after recommending he do so, and also gently reminding him that it might be a good idea to follow up at a lab to get the blood work ordered by the Allergist who is checking on celiac among other markers of ailments that were not allergies... Freaking FABULOUS Dr. I brought all the kids to eventually this past year)...

I mean I get it , sometimes hard to do more than one thing at a time. And the kid WANTED to follow up with a gastroenterologist first, then get blood work, then circle back to find a general practitioner for a Dr to send ALL medical to for full review...

I get it that he wanted to do things in a logical ORDER...
but he finally acquiesced to a general physical. I finally scheduled the appointment saying that I would be happy to bring him if wants.

So we went.
and while filling out the forms , this kid asks me "When did we move to VA?"

I said
" You were born here"

He first argued with me and said "No, I remember moving here and I remember the first time seeing the house."

and he asked again, " I was in NY, what year did we move here?"

I reiterated " The year of your birth. You were born here, and we spent a year in NY then came back and a couple years later spent another year in NY and came back. So write the year of your birth as you always lived here. We just also went back and forth elsewhere but this was always your main home."

He reiterated with confusion "But I remember the first time I came to Virginia."

I said , "Well you just don't remember from being a baby, that is just one of your earliest memories but you were 4 at that time".

I mean it just stung.

It just hurt.

It is just such a gut punch feeling hard to describe when you hear of this story of kids telling their story and realize they have been robbed not only of stories of their earliest years but told a fictional account of their history such that they believe it.

I was just shocked.
Absolutely shocked

and hurt as it made me so sad and made me well up.

I almost went out into the hall to cry.

But I didn't need to.

Folks used to abuse get like this- they get used to stuffing emotion in and not reacting.

Its just the survival mechanism.

I think it also hit hard as in a recent argument this same child lashed out in judgement angry I had gotten rid of some of his old clothes. I understand how upset that was and how it was actually WRONG of me to do so without his consent. True I gave away a couple items that would not possibly fit anyone anymore, but they were his and he is hurt.
I also made an assumption.
My assumption was wrong. But regardless of some mistakes I made ( like assuming my trans kid that uses he pronouns would not miss a yellow satin formal dress sized 2 that could not possibly be worn, or the very frilly green satin winter dress and donating them);
he needn't resort to really awful gaslighting and abusive communication tactics.

He basically told me I threw out his clothes all the time ( I never did without going through them with each kid PIECE by PIECE and asking " Keep or donate?" And making them try things on... I mean since this kid was a small child as even as a small child it was a total meltdown if a beloved item of clothing disappeared. )

The accusation of me not respecting boundaries was sad.
I heard then the teen chime in as well.. and then the other young adult and all three were on this kick of being angry about me throwing out their stuff.
I was so perplexed and reminded them I found with the nanny as SHE had at times recommended I do so and I adamantly refused.

That was important to me that these kids have SOMETHING of ownership and SOME expression of self identity and it was in fact a RAGE habit of their Dad's that in his hot temper red outs that he later forgot conveniently...

he would literall rage about and throw out shit of the family.

He did this with me and my oldest two....
and again recently threatened in a rage to do so with both of the most recent defectors who moved from his home. BUT HE HAS GROWN and did not throw out all their stuff as threatened... no he just had the hot temper of threats without the additional physical action of actual follow through accompanied by a few smacks or punches to the head like he used to deliver.

See he has grown.

But they don't recall having grown up with that behavior.

NO they heard it , even it was me or step siblings being hit...
or them as toddlers...

and they don't REMEMBER IT

and there was this astounding projection to me of the three of them yelling at me about this behavior of me throwing out there stuff.

HONESTLY I DID toss some books and felt badly when this same child missed a few. YES I did reduce books and game and clothing that was in storage in my attic not used or worn in eaons.

BUT anything I THOUGHT Was important to kids I vetted. And I only did that in ONE BIG CLEAN OUT of my house attic and bookshelf... maybe two years ago now.

The big argument started because my kid is getting ready to go back to school and I think, thought dressing male and using he pronouns knows that his choir director is just old school... old fashioned... not the most open minded...
and he really is not up to navigating the discomfort of asking to wear a suit and sing tenor just yet.

He doesn't want to make waves or call attention to self but just be allowed to BE as he is comfortable and he is quite comfortable gender switching and wearing a dress to sing.

He even commented at beginning of summer "Maybe I could sing at the church"

as in the past was paid to sing.

I was astounded and said "The church with the homophobic pastor? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?"

He did not hesitate to say "Because I get paid. That is his issue, not mine". VERY Matter of fact and not at all defensive which I found wonderfully mature! * But could be less a sign of maturity than a sign of my child's absolute indifference to what anyone else thinks or feels.

So the whole young adult going off in a rampage of accusations started as he could not find his choir robe.

He asked if I saw it. I said NO.
He said I probably gave it away along with the dresses. He went off on how he could have sold them for tuition money. (HE is mistaken about that and not recalling that the whole reason some of those ball gowns were here was that they were DAMAGED ... and not in good shape... and our nanny had given some to the kids. My kids didn't care if a small stain , one has crayon on it actually likely from the kids. I mean the one dress gone had been given to them the summer of the separation when we stayed in the home of the then lovely couple who took us in when I left him, in the home of the lady who later became our nanny ( the couple I have called Henry and June here .. funny I gave him a copy of that book to read once.)

I mean honestly reality is there is nominal resale value of dress with stains.

But regardless of the lack of monetary value, I get it that I should have refrained from tossing the items of that particular child without consulting as should have understood those were significant items. I didn't throw out anything that my child personally bought ! Just dressed that I thought were all hand me downs, but apparent I made one mistake and one was in fact bought by the kid.

In any case, the whole dress battle was triggered when the choir gown was nowhere to be found. I commented that I would not have donated that, but if WAS HERE and is not currently the one possibiluty is that I accidentally brought it to the high school thinking it belonged to them! The kids are loaned them in high school but the college students BUY their gown!

I do recall returning not one but two gowns to the chior room! SOMEONE gave me one to return and I think I found TWO in the front hall and ASSUMED The other child had just not been responsible and had never taken care of returning it. If this college student brought a gown here that may be what happened!

So I said to my kid " I understand you are upset you can not find the choir gown. So what I am hearing is you actually need some help as have to replace it. You could have just told me you are upset the gown is missing and asked me to help you get a new one without getting so angry. I think you are finding an excuse for an angry dopamine hit and this is not healthy nor necessary. You could have just told me you are upset and asked for help and I would be happy to help you out , as you know I have always supported you with any need for extra curriculars. "

Now this is the other part that hurt. The other part of the re-write of history:

My kid said "NO you didn't YOU NEVER DID, DAD did. He paid for everything."

TOTAL ERASURE OF ACTUAL REALITY
because I NEVER would speak ill of their father in front of my children.

I followed that believe that to do so would harm them. I followed that believe that one parent should NEVER speak ill of the other parent IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILDREN.

EVER

I believed, no matter HOW ABUSIVE
that if you do so as a parent you will harm your kids even more.

This is a huge thing. I always have believed that by MODELING good behavior my kids would LEARN from the example.

I am so sick to my stomach , literally, as in knots when I think about how the current behavior when this now 20 yr old gets mad echos the behavior patterns of his Father. It feels like the negative behavior patterns are STRONGER than the influence of the positive behavior and desired behavior patterns I TRIED to teach by being true to them.

It just makes me sad.

I just had to let that out.

PHEW

Now back to work. I will be better able to focus after venting.
OH but wait... first to call the school and one call to county health dept to verify the vaccination clinic they set up. The Dr. told this 20 yr old he needs a vaccination. The same one that is now mandated a of July 1, 2020 menacoccial I think? That the other two in this house need for school.

Good thing I know my 20 yr old is not actually fully adulting. If it were not for that fact I would not continue to support him. Truth
I do not need abuse in my life.
EVEN if from my children; especially if from my children.
NOT HAPPENING

I still think of this kid who is not yet acting like an adult as a child. I will give another year of growth... through college.

When he graduates college he can be on his own.

I had a wake up call at a church meeting when the deacons were concerned for one church member worried about elder abuse.
The behavior they described of how a particular elder in the church is treated by his adult children sounded uncomfortably familiar.

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