2021-09-03 - 11:35 p.m.

I am just exhausted.
I wrote a few entries but did not save them as they were too personal (regarding other people in my life- their "stuff")

AS for me, and MY STUFF
it is my stuff that I have to navigate children who still emulate abusive behavior.

I feel heartbroken today.
YES that is the most accurate descriptor.

Heartbroken.

My one child is very self centered. They intended to go visit a school today and when I suggested a scheduled appointment as late in the day as possible (when the visit was scheduled a few days ago) they said "No lets do it as early in the day as possible. I will just stay up and go to bed afterwards".

All the conventional wisdom says that if one has non 24 hr sleep disorder; one can use methods to REGULATE sleep by consistent sleep hygiene; including shutting off electronics 1-2 hrs before bed ( or three some recommend!); a consistent daily routine of relaxing habits such as reading a book, meditation or prayer, a relaxing shower or bath and comfy PJS, then darkening the room, avoid caffeine after 2 or 3pm. avoid a heavy meal or foods one knows may create any gastrointestinal issues for oneself after 4 or 5 pm, try melatonin or other sleep aids if nothing else works.

A consistent routine.
I have tried to guide all my kids to do this. They are strongly resistant and want to do their own thing.

So this particular child DID try some of those techniques but I can't vouch for how discipined. Its also hard to assess if they ever consistently gave them a try because when really sick and down and out with POTS the kid then slept ALMOST ALL THE TIME.

I mean really was out cold for well over 12 to 15 hrs often it seemed. Prior to that there was undoubtedly insomnia and apparently not getting QUALITY deep sleep even when seemingly asleep.

So sleep study and consultation and the Dr. said likely has non 24 hr sleep disorder.

So my kid did some reading and concluded the BEST way to feel better if lack of sleep is causing severe medical issues is to simply follow ones natural sleep cycles and sleep when needed and wake when the body naturally awakens without any regard for society and expected norms.

I can't say that this is not actually a sound way to FEEL better. It is however very hard to do and be able to function in society. However that of course CAN Be done. I mean some folks are able to work a night shift and sleep during the day and that is never frowned upon and no one looks down on those people. So why should we look down or not respect a person who for their health finds that the BEST way to feel healthy is to follow their non 24 hr natural circadian rhythm for when they sleep?

Interestingly the non 24 hr sleep disorder is most often found in blind individuals.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3669071/

LOL I JUST FELL Asleep after writing that link!! That is hilarious....

heck my sleep cycle DOES follow normal dark night and awaking with the break of day and sunrise!

Folks with POTS have issues with eyes responding to light normally. Often they are extremely sensitive to light and the eyes at times don't dilate properly (an autonomic nervous system function.)

Anyway My kid did not wake up this AM. That was disappointing. I tried to wake them as they wanted to visit this recommended school.

I tried at 8:30 am to wake them; then at 9AM.

I was so disappointed for my kid frankly. I also had opportunity to travel but chose not to leave today in order to be here to support this kid today to visit this school. So it was a huge disappointment for me.
Heck I had a flight out of town and COULD have left today but didn't.

THEN when their DAD called later I knocked to see if they were awake and wanted to take the call.

AND then this kid FREAKED OUT at me for having woken them up ( it was around 10:30 or 11 AM by then.)

It made no sense how abusive and rude and aggressive they were with me.

I was just listening to a verbal assault of being screamed at "NEVER WAKE ME UP!"
just dumbfounded that I was being yelled at and then this kid HIT ME in the face with a cereal box they had in hand.
They had come down to get breakfast and when I came in the room went off on me.

It was worse that the youngest who acts like a cheerleader in admonishing me and supporting this older siblings dysfunction also went off on me. It made no sense whatsoever.
ABSOLUTELY TOXIC
with this belief that somehow due to being woken up when they were sleeping is so abusive that it justifies the reaction as "you don't listen unless I yell at you" and justifies violence of hitting me.

BOTH these kids are calling it abuse that I dared wake up a sleeping person at 10:30 AM in the morning when they got a phone call FROM THEIR FATHER.

I don't get it. The complete anger at that.
I understand irritation; I understand disappointment and perhaps annoyance- but unbridled and uncontrollable anger makes no sense to me. To me that is a sign of a person very unbalanced and in dire need of help.

Heck my kids wake me up all the time for things. One woke me up in the middle of the night last night as they heard a cricket in the hall. Tuesday night I was resting and the two barged into my room wanting to use MY TUB to give the dog a bath. (They have tub in the bathroom they use.)
I said sure... then was motivated out of necessity to clean my tub. Wed AM I actually cleaned all the bathrooms in the house once I got on a roll.
This happens to most people once in a while. Its an important part of life to be able to navigate such moments without unbridled anger and lashing out when people disturb you.

I am sad and shocked that this kid has not learned how to control their anger AND that it seems BOTH kids continue to project intense anger at me that I have to believe is NOT simply due to the current trigger of having been woken up.

I can respect to NOT wake up the adult. But the kid who is still a kid can just deal with being woken up on occasion. I don't wake anyone unless there is something IMPORTANT. They are going to have to be more mature in accepting that as a normal part of parenting- you wake up your kids to get shit done- whatever it is that has to be done when it is truly important.

Sure I can be completely disengaged from helping the older kid of mine who is a young adult. I find it interesting however that in complaining to me my kid said "If you had tried a bit harder and SUCCEEDED in waking me at the time I already planned to get up and go visit the school I would not have been angry but it was because you woke me later for something NOT important." OK, so kid you are saying it is OK for me to wake you SOMETIMES but not ALL The time?
That is not very clear...

To bed.... it was just so upsetting I could barely think. I had trouble getting focused after that. On top of it my best friend had been here and I welcomed her to stay here last night. I had picked her up at the airport the night before (late at night), and she was grateful to be able to stay in the basement bedroom here. The problem is she can never leave things alone. My kids all heard she was coming and said "TEll her not to touch anyone's stuff." I said "Why would she? She shouldn't as there is no need to do so."
I should have known better.
She seems incapable of leaving stuff alone. Truth is she is VERY GOOD at organizing and arranging spaces. She was staying in the one room and yesterday came out and after the fact told me she re-organized. She asked me to take a look and it did look nice.
But then she rearranged stuff in the living space kinda den/ living room area of the basement which is in fact actually where my office is currently set up. It is dual purpose as the kids came downstairs on those hot 90 plus summer days (as it has AC).

Well I was busy working yesterday with focus as she was puttering around. She said "If you don't like it you can put it back".

Sure it looked nice but the thing is there were some things I did not like.

So Yeah basically I then had to put it all back the way I DO like it. I was not bothered by her efforts yesterday but this morning was VERY irritated by her actions as I was moving furniture from one room to another. I got downright annoyed and cranky when I then was moving a coffee table BACK into my office space ( that she moved into a bedroom ). I want my office space to look like an office and be presentable and a calm peaceful space when I am on Zoom calls.
I don't want a bunch of old board games no one plays in the background. I was irritated as she DID suggest moving board games to the basement and I specifically said NO that I do not want them down there.

So it was super annoying to have to move those out of my office space. My professional magazines I wanted in that space were moved to the table in the bedroom as well.

Frankly there was some re-organizing I needed to do anyway and having to undo the things she did gave me motivation to get rolling and do a little more.

IT was just a crappy day for me.

So after the drama of the teen losing it ; I was trying to finish getting ready for sustained work and focus. I had a project I knew would take about the 4 hrs intended to work today.

But first I had to rearrange the space as I like it.

I got that done and frankly was tired and still annoyed. A foot on the coffee table here popped off and I was glad to find super glue (later) and put it back on.
I was annoyed as had the table never been moved I would not have been moving it back and gotten tired so dropped it rather abruptly.
There also was an awful stink from the bedroom downstairs. Some couch pillows from the living room upstairs had been moved to the basement room and I quickly realized those were the source of the pungent body odor. This is the primary reason I wanted to get rid of that whole darn stinky couch.
Well I want to get rid of the smell NOT bring it down into the basement where I spend half my day working.

I took all the pillows outside and sprayed them ( Again) with an odor remover disinfectant and let them sit in the sun outdoors to air out.

Once I got that out of the basement and aired the whole basement out with windows open and cross ventilation it smelled much better. There also is a candle air freshener that is down there that I moved out of the office space back into the bedroom where it had been ( and where it was needed! and where it belonged as that was the bedroom of my college student).
For now, all the college student's belongings are tucked away in the closet in that room. The room is set up now as a guest room with a bed and nightstand and not much else. There was a large mattress of my son's that is here in storage as well and I was happy to move that OUT of my office space where it had been most recently used, and back into the bedroom.
I also had to move my son's desk back to where it sat nicely. It is a desk the college student used to work on all summer long. It is a nice clean space I want available for my current high school senior to use. It is here in storage but my oldest son said feel free to use it while it is here! He is very gracious about that. I have stuff that was moved here when he moved out from his NYC pad when COVID first hit hard way back when.

to bed...

It just took half the day to rearrange the furniture back...
then I was hungry... so ate..
then I was still not having luck focusing.

FINALLY I got myself together to be able to WORK. OH yeah... I did other things too.. like got a document confirming my HOA fees, and writing notes that I was asked to sent from a meeting I attended yesterday. (Not work related but volunteer work of an Allyship meeting. "How to be an Ally" in the face of racism. It was great meeting but EXHAUSTING. I mean that was emotionally draining to be doing that kind of equity work.
The work of being aware and thinking of ones own privilege.

I was sent a number of good resources. We had a meeting last night that I facilitated. It went very well but it emotionally did exhaust me.

So basically I procrastinated doing everything else. THEN When I had no more time left to procrastinate, at around 5pm (or later?) I FINALLY got in the flow with focus to do the immensely BORING task I forced myself to finish tonight.

I just HAD To get it done! YEAH I finally got it done...
I stopped working at 10:30 pm. I only actually worked 4.5 hrs today.

YESTERDAY I only worked three. I did have to bring my kid to the Dr. That took all afternoon. Half the day shot because the office called and moved the appointment up based on the Dr's availability and the office is a good hour and a half drive away for us. The challenge of going to specialists.

I had gotten back from the Dr. appointment just in time for my Allyship meeting.

Here is one resource on the topic.
BOY does her speech resonate with me.

https://www.edi.nih.gov/blog/communities/be-ally

YEAH

today I had faced overt aggression. It made it REALLY HARD to do my work today. The aggression of my own kid had a real impact on my productivity today.

I am just grateful that one of my go to strategies for handling abuse is workaholism!! LOL

I can eventually, when over the shock, just throw myself into a task with crazy focus getting lost in flow.
Sure this is NOT healthy...
I KNOW THIS.

But I am still glad that after the INITAL shock of my kid hitting me today I was EVENTUALLY able to pull myself together and be productive...
first in writing on allyship for a local org to capture the group notes I had shared last night . (The main host emailed me saying my encapsulation of the topic of our small group was excellent and she asked me if I would mind sending notes as the recording was not on the whole time unfortunately! It started late!)

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