2021-09-08 - 7:58 a.m.

I enjoyed a lovely visit to my beloved Buffalo, NY. I intended to head to enjoy celebrating my birthday and the five year anniversary of connecting with the fellow I date there.

After his visit to me that he fit in both en route to and on way back from travel elsewhere he said almost immediately afterwards he missed me already. I honestly was emotionally feeling I needed some time before seeing him again as frankly he seemed to me to be picking arguments over nothing so I wondered if he truly enjoyed and valued time with me ( I mean really he could have traveled to VA anytime over three years but never made it here...then does so only en route to elsewhere...
One may think he is just not that into me...
I kinda know better and trust it is not that he isn't but moreso that he isn't into entering the rest of my world, that of my family. Albeit a big part of me... and he is not the best at being organized and he needs things super planned so that combination makes it a challenge as he needs super organized clear plans, a trait which combined with him not being great at getting the planning done makes travel quite a challenge for him. So yes these are control issues surely- but seem driven by anxiety I think.

He is this wonderful guy who truly is one of the most loving and caring people who is there for friends and family and anyone needing him. But I see that is not easy for him. He just requires a lot of time himself to get things done.

I get it...as likewise it takes me a bit to get anything done. I think for me it the challenge is that I am slower in execution of doing things, at times due to my disorganization and distractibility or perfectionism and sometimes just taking longer to accomplish anything ( due to short term memory issues and having to check important details I had forgotten but need in a process!) So my issue is how hard it is to EXECUTE planning; whereas for him it is procrastinating and then analysis paralysis which I believe is anxiety driven. I have little anxiety- just get stuck along the way of getting things done! (Forget a password, cant find the credit card intended to use for a reservation etc... that kind of getting tripped up and then sometimes putting off following through! Not really procrastination at not TRYING but trouble finishing something- which is a clear ADHD trait. His analysis paralysis and needing to see EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION before committing to anything gets so tiring to me. I find it baffling and don't really understand how he gets anything done.

I noticed this weekend when we spent time with one of his beasties, a super nice guy that stayed with him for a couple months during COVID lockdown * as his friends son's 👪 live in Buffalo so made sense to work remote and be able to go back and forth to son's home and his bachelor
friend's home back and forth seeing grandkids and having that time with his brother ( by choice not blood) rather than sit in a city moved to for work where this guy really doesn't have close connections after a divorce a few years back); that both these guys did the thing my guy does:

Talk about what going to do with clear planning and agenda
Then go do it
Then spend much time discussing the event ...I mean hours...relishing the recent memory and every detail.

They deconstructed and noticed the munitia and were almost nostalgic about the great time we had on Sun as we sat on Monday chilling in the backyard.

It was a funny observation to me that his friend did this just like he does this! There were micro moments of this behavior as well. One just couldn't post a photo on FB but there had to be a whole mutual decisioning between them and review of the text etc.. then sparring over what it should say prior to action of posting it.It was fascinating to watch that interaction between them both which I found frankly so very bizarre. They spent so much time discussing then arguing how to post a photo and what to accompany it as far as text. I have never done that nor seen anyone spend so much time worrying about their social media and found it rather revealing to be honest. I mean it revealed that my guy friend is not only "difficult" when interacting with me considering simple decisions but interacts that same way with his other friends when making decisions with them. He said to his friend at one point "Do you think I am stupid?" when his friend did not like his idea and suggested another way to do something. So that was revealing- as his insecurity and taking it personally if his idea is disregarded was clearly an insecurity. He obviously got angry and then I could see the behavior of acting like being controlling in seeking the other person to validate and agree with his idea. It was interesting my reaction to watching this juvenile behavior that I think is a bit of immaturity and lack of self awareness driven, by being overly sensitive-- oddly made me feel better- in part as when he acts like that toward me IT IS NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL!! HE is not being critical or difficult with just me- but his insecurity gets triggered and in those moments he is needy of validation. He just strikes me as emotionally needy a bit more than I expected I suppose. .

Now I don't mean to put him down or be critical as overall it was lovely! Just the small moments of him being challenging as he is suddenly negative and cranky- coming across as irritated, angry or even agressive in his speech at times. Fear based behaviors of course. I ironically was having a hard time nailing down when to go to Buffalo as the incentive for me was purely selfish: MY pleasure. My time with My lover/ friend to celebrate My Birthday...and yrs our five years of connecting he calls "Anniversary " which is funny to me
And antithetical to my non commitment and therefore attraction only of men not emotionally available for deeper connection with presence on a more regular- perhaps weekly or even dare I consider it , daily basis, as I can't yet see myself offering that and having energy to also be successful at work and fully present for my kids needs which YES do come first.

So for me it's like the fling I was open to turned into a series of connections over five years with this nice guy who had been a Bachelor all his life. YES he is a super nice and thoughtful person. I just focus on the negative moments to understand them so can't judge a person by only the challenges which is what I have a NEED to write about! This relationship works for me as until I meet someone that could fully enter my world I am happy with the relationship offered to me and am happy with this man who is appreciative of what I can offer and YES does value the time we spend together. He does value ME in the particular.

I just won't offer more unless was really sure it would be in my kid's interest frankly.

So maybe it was my own fear that 🤔 made me not be willing in past...
I don't know...but maybe not...
Relationships are complex.

But in any case at least during this visit I really did enjoy his company and he seemed both less irritated by me and less irritating. I saw the behaviors I see as him picking a fight but this time it was clearer he us like Dr. Fauci in that he needs affirmation. My friend Dr. Fauci who is so in love with his lady needs affirmation from her and his language of love is physical, sexual intimacy. So when she is not offering that he feels unmoored! That is not my guy's language of love it seems to me. My guy's language of love that he seems to need is undivided attention so he knows he is heard and valued. He needs affirmation and he needs to know he is prioritized.

That I think is the source of conflict right there in our relationship: an insecurity in him if he feels he is not important in a moment seeming afraid of someone else getting my attention or afraid I am not prioritizing him over myself at times. He seems to have this need for me ( and I saw him have thus need in the friendship with his bro) to have his ideas validated and followed or he took it as a personal put down. That comes from a deep insecurity and us expressed like comments he made to his friend when they argued over something stupid in my guy insulted his expertise was not listened to and questioned.

It was interesting to watch their spats! ( I re-read to correct spelling and realized I repeat myself when I write stream of consciousness! I don't typically edit but for misspellings but could really use a good editor once writing for publication!) So until the VERY LAST NIGHT when I was ready to go to bed, we had not had any spats. I only observed them with his bestie bro and he.

I was taking in the dynamic and observing to learn from it. It made me feel affirmed that it was not me triggering my guy but something In him ....

Which he is not necessarily aware of. It also made me feel better to not take it personally and it's easier to let go of hurt from him having picked a fight in a way ( with me weeks ago when he put more energy into choosing to be irritated and argue trying to make a clear plan than in effort to relax and just enjoy the beautiful bed and breakfast we were blessed to be at in the moment.)

The other nice thing about spending time with his friend was to hear his friend's gratitude fir the thoughtfulness of my guy. The flip side of his need for planning is that he dies put time and effort into planning thoughtful things to do for and with others.

He has asked me if I would mind if he brought his buddy who was back in town that weekend to the cemetery to visit grave if a mutual friend that passes of theirs.

I said sure...
And my guy has chairs and beverages and we ended up sitting graveside as they kicked back a beer and he played some Country song " Drink a beer" which was beautiful and a perfect tribute.

His buddy was so moved by this. These guys had their own beautiful memorial.
I was honored to share their moment of processing this loss and celebrating their friend with them.

Now the irony is while I was having trouble carving out time to travel for ME and my desires; 👪 coming first one reason but another that easier for me to commit to things for others than my own happiness or pleasure ,
My son called me just two weeks ago asking me to come to Buffalo this weekend in particular and apologized he had not thought to ask me sooner...
For his mentor, his theater teacher and really significant beloved person in his life passed a year ago and her memorial was put off and planned for this weekend.

He asked me to come for him. Her death was particularly hard for him.

I immediately said yes and was able to easily clear my calendar.
Not for the whole weekend. My kids in my home needed my support and presence bit as the memorial was early in week after labor day I could fly out Sunday for it for a super quick visit.

So my Buffalo guy was sweet in accommodating me. But the kicker was my son also was bringing his new girlfriend he us serious about to meet the family. My oldest got a ticket to fly in as well. My son really wanted family time.

My guy friend was so gracious and loving and supportive of me stating with him and divining my time and attention and tge weekend not being about him or us but focused on my son's needs frankly.

He said sure come in and let's schedule our weekend as we had been discussing.

I love that idea. After this weekend as it was such a nice connection with him being so supportive and loving of me in giving me that space when there for my family to be off with my oldest two and also their Dad my first ex hubby in context of my son just wanting his family around him, I feel emotionally more supportive and connected to him.
I mean he cares about me. To me the language of love us giving me my space to support loving relationships with others without insecurity and jealousy by trust in me.

So I definitely feel more trusting of my guy and more inclined to want to spend time with him.

Absolutely fascinating.

If. Guy is needy of my attention I am the one feeling smothered. If a guy wants commitment and undivided attention I am the one wanting distance.

That is my issue but it is grounded in having been In a relationship with someone really insecure and narcissistic that acted threatened and unsupported of other relationships existing in my life.

I will never be in a relationship like that again.
Will never be in a relationship with one who needs to know my every move as they are emotionally emeshed.

I mean Dr. Fauci is so emotionally enmeshed with his girlfriend he can't maintain healthy friendships with others it seems to me. ( I wonder at that attracting men polar opposite in a way.)

Irony was the memorial for my son's teacher was canceled as the Delta variant has picked up in Erie County. She was quite an influential public figure and loved by many so there would be no way to manage to keep a church service for her small. They called it off to reschedule just a few days before as covid there keeps increasing. She was an African American lady and stats are showing less vaccination in the black community that white community there. It was a prudent decision albeit a difficult one for the family after putting that off for a year then actually planning the event.

It would have been AN EVENT! Not merely a memorial but as an artist leader and community leader the arts communities would have been collaborative in celebration of her life.

Instead of allowing extended family and friends a very small group of her immediate family and just a few others had a small backyard celebration.

So me, my oldest etc...did not go. My son did not need to deliver the public speech he prepared at family request ( or gave it to the small group). He went to the family celebration.

And I was there at graveside as two now grown frat bros ( one my sometimes lover ), drank a toast to their beloved brother who died on 2019.

I did enjoy some wonder time with my oldest kids and their Dad. It was great to have that family time. We hiked a park together enjoyed a meal put and went to Niagara Falls. My son his girlfriend and I enjoyed time going on Maid of the Mist.

Then last night my guy's buddy left and my guy and I had the loveliest meal and walk!

My ✈️ boarding ....heading home after lovely weekend.

Came back to add one more thing I want to write about as it was the one weird thing I just don't get. It seems narcissistic and a red flag to me which just makes me a bit disappointed and sad. I was so ready to go to bed just at 9pm on the night before my early morning flight. I mean I really was in the bedroom and laying down when my guy asked me to just come sit with him a bit to wind down. I honestly would have preferred if he needed to do that that he do it HIMSELF and allow me the space to go to sleep myself. I mean I was EXHAUSTED. That is essentially the red flag: Beware the person that had a hard time giving you personal space. To say I felt smothered is accurate! I mean I wanted to go to sleep early. The guy had already planned looking at time backwards to see what time we wanted to get up, how much sleep and when that meant we should go to bed, then considering that decided we should go to dinner by a certain time. (YES it was one of those 45 plus planning sessions of him insisting we sit to talk about WHAT we were going to do for the evening which he started around 5pm. My response at first was "Just go work for the next hour to see if you can get more done and then we can just walk to find somewhere to eat." But instead we took AT LEAST 45 minutes in which he walked through all the possible scenarios, then went backwards from time we wanted to be up in AM and then figured we best get going soon. Finally after the 45 minutes of listening to him go through all the options he went off to shower and get ready for us to go to dinner, and I had a few moments to actually quickly check my email and get a couple things done and then finished them JUST IN TIME for us to walk to dinner and enjoy our evening. He may not have gotten a couple things off his to do list- but as he showered I was happy I did so! Not that it is that important but I think it is ironic that instead of doing stuff he TALKS about doing stuff. I think that is the #1 cause of his inefficiency! If he nixed those planning sessions where he ruminates over EVERY POSSIBILITy and EVERY scenario and instead just started working on a task I personally think he would reduce his workload and reduce his stress. He over plans! IT is one thing to create the TO DO List- but quite another to go though every possible permutation of then getting a task done and consider every possible configuration of times in which to do each task.... I just don't get it! Anyway, after we got back the part I found disconcerting was that when we were sitting to wind down I recalled my guy mention one of the things he would like to do is discuss plans for when we could get together next. So I mentioned that and said "Let's do it" meaning lets look at the schedules and make the plan for our next visit. SO I pulled out my calendar on my cell phone. Then he was talking through all the commitments and invitations he had coming up. I pulled up my work schedule and other volunteer work commitments and was cross checking and updating my google calendar to be sure everything was in the one place. As he talked I was taking NOTES on the weekends he has plans so he is not available. So then on my calendar I could see the WHOLE big picture of the next few months and really quickly see when there is OPEN SPACE that may work for us to schedule a get together, So the thing is, this is the area I vouched to get better at: Consolidating my calendar, consulting my calendar, and carrying my calendar so I have all info in one place and can plan more effectively. I worked on that skill. I worked with my life coach on that skill actually. So now that in our conversation I was USING that skill actively I was perplexed at what seemed like his ANGER and frustration. He kept saying "Are you listening to me?" to which I said "YES" I would reassure- "Not only am I listening I am actively listening and repeating to be sure understood " Then he was asking "What are you doing on the phone? ARE you done yet?" At one point he then said "Can you stop typing? What are you doing?" I had already told him what i was doing. I reiterated-- "I am taking notes of your existing plans so we can see when we are both free and make plans" It was so bizarre he was getting irritated more and more. He blurted out "Does it take you THAT LONG to get something down on the calendar" to which I honestly said' "YES" because IT DID and it DOES take me a long time and I suppose WAS painful for him to be patient during. He at one point said "Are you going to stop writing and pay attention?" To which I replied "NO I am not going to stop writing as it is the active way I process what you say with full attention to ensure I get it. So I am not going to stop writing notes unless you are done talking to me." His anger was so inappropriate and odd to me. It made no sense whatsoever. EXCEPT that he was not committal to making plans then and there. He said he had to check his calendar- and when I said "OK GO GET IT" and he was going over it, then it was clear he was not READY to really make plans but wants to wait to consider some things. In other words. The challenge in planning that was my behavior of not being organized and having all the info in front of me in one place at one time was fixed. We did not make plans with certitude and solidify them for one reason only. HE is not yet ready to commit to them, Plain and simple. This is true to the past pattern. Not surprised and I don't mind so much EXCEPT I have very limited spending money just now. So IF He really wants me to come to visit I need to plan 21 days out prior to the cost of flights going up. So I have to put a marker on my calendar as the final date to nail his decision down. Either he wants me to come or not. Fine either way, I will thoroughly enjoy MOST Of his company ( except if he engages in a few control battles. I will try to disengage and not do that dance.) HOWEVER there is one consideration I realized. I am HIGHLY ALLERGIC TO SMOKE and he is a smoker. That is so freaking uncomfortable to me. I mean I laid next to him to just cuddle and it was so aggravating to me that as he is exhaling I smell his smoke from his smoker's lungs and I feel the reaction in my body- I get asthmatic tightening of bronchials and itchy eyes.. itchy throat... I am happy he doesn't smoke in the house. But he does this annoying thing where he wants my company when he goes outside or in the basement for a cigarette. I DON"T WANT TO BE NEAR CIGARETTE SMOKE. MY BAD for going to join him then. It just sucks as my allergies kick in. The problem for me is that FOR DAYS after a Buffalo visit that I spend for him I am feeling SICK. I mean feeling nausea and allergy symptoms that take a bit to abate, and the residual pain in my lungs from inflammation of bronchials and asthma. It is really, really awful. Tolerable when I have an albuterol inhaler! Truth be told the allergy and asthma reaction are not as critical as in the past as in years past I would not even be ABLE To breathe if around ANY SMOKE. But because he does not smoke in his home I can spend time there. But I have the yucky feeling for days afterwards and cant be really close to him for long as with each respiration breath out he is breathing out residual smoke! So when I cuddle with him I need to shift so my face is not directly near his breath. I need to shift my body and head and try to position so the air flow from the fan he has in his room blows air past me so I can breath without getting inflammation and clogged up sinuses. Just venting here... as that is a factor for me in not being willing to ever be in a committed long term DAILY relationship with a smoker. My body can't handle it. It would be an early death sentence for me- literally choosing to give up years of my life and choose poor health and being miserable. Sorry I love myself far to much to sacrifice my well being and happiness like that for anyone else. Just not happening. Not a good reason for it. So there it is. Which is why I will really enjoy time with him but there is this funny "Anniversary" concept- of celebration of the five years of a non commitment with a guy I do love but heck no could not either see him being ready and truly willing to give what it takes to be married OR with whom I can not see myself being happy being married to. I mean I STILL feel like we are inherently non committal. And I STILL feel like that is the sad commonality that brings us together. YES WE ENOJY EACH OTHERS Company when we go out and do things. But the thing is, the things he would choose to do are not the things I would choose to do normally and vice versa. So that is fun for each of us I suppose as our experiences are broadened. HE will walk through an art exhibit and sit through a jazz trio which may not otherwise have interested him and I would go to a football game with him and have a blast at the tailgate before. I do appreciate that we each bring perspective to things the other would not otherwise necessarily hear in the way we dig deep in conversing about. But nonetheless, the good thing is neither of us are pushing the other away by demanding a commitment! LOL There it is We are both happy as it is what it is! And overall it is still very good! I LAUGHED more than I have in a long time over this past weekend. My guy friend is funny! HE is fun! And it was nice when at one point he said to me "Just breathe" AH ... my son to date is the only one who says that to me. It was sweet and very , very appreciated in the moment. I am not WASTING my time by enjoying this friendship, even if it still not going anywhere in particular... and moving along at our slow crawl. So be it. It is what it is. And yes, it is good.

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