2021-09-08 - 7:58 a.m.
I enjoyed a lovely visit to my beloved Buffalo, NY. I intended to head to enjoy celebrating my birthday and the five year anniversary of connecting with the fellow I date there.
After his visit to me that he fit in both en route to and on way back from travel elsewhere he said almost immediately afterwards he missed me already. I honestly was emotionally feeling I needed some time before seeing him again as frankly he seemed to me to be picking arguments over nothing so I wondered if he truly enjoyed and valued time with me ( I mean really he could have traveled to VA anytime over three years but never made it here...then does so only en route to elsewhere...
He is this wonderful guy who truly is one of the most loving and caring people who is there for friends and family and anyone needing him. But I see that is not easy for him. He just requires a lot of time himself to get things done.
I get it...as likewise it takes me a bit to get anything done. I think for me it the challenge is that I am slower in execution of doing things, at times due to my disorganization and distractibility or perfectionism and sometimes just taking longer to accomplish anything ( due to short term memory issues and having to check important details I had forgotten but need in a process!) So my issue is how hard it is to EXECUTE planning; whereas for him it is procrastinating and then analysis paralysis which I believe is anxiety driven. I have little anxiety- just get stuck along the way of getting things done! (Forget a password, cant find the credit card intended to use for a reservation etc... that kind of getting tripped up and then sometimes putting off following through! Not really procrastination at not TRYING but trouble finishing something- which is a clear ADHD trait. His analysis paralysis and needing to see EVERY POSSIBLE OPTION before committing to anything gets so tiring to me. I find it baffling and don't really understand how he gets anything done.
I noticed this weekend when we spent time with one of his beasties, a super nice guy that stayed with him for a couple months during COVID lockdown * as his friends son's 👪 live in Buffalo so made sense to work remote and be able to go back and forth to son's home and his bachelor
Talk about what going to do with clear planning and agenda
They deconstructed and noticed the munitia and were almost nostalgic about the great time we had on Sun as we sat on Monday chilling in the backyard.
It was a funny observation to me that his friend did this just like he does this! There were micro moments of this behavior as well. One just couldn't post a photo on FB but there had to be a whole mutual decisioning between them and review of the text etc.. then sparring over what it should say prior to action of posting it.It was fascinating to watch that interaction between them both which I found frankly so very bizarre. They spent so much time discussing then arguing how to post a photo and what to accompany it as far as text. I have never done that nor seen anyone spend so much time worrying about their social media and found it rather revealing to be honest. I mean it revealed that my guy friend is not only "difficult" when interacting with me considering simple decisions but interacts that same way with his other friends when making decisions with them. He said to his friend at one point "Do you think I am stupid?" when his friend did not like his idea and suggested another way to do something. So that was revealing- as his insecurity and taking it personally if his idea is disregarded was clearly an insecurity. He obviously got angry and then I could see the behavior of acting like being controlling in seeking the other person to validate and agree with his idea. It was interesting my reaction to watching this juvenile behavior that I think is a bit of immaturity and lack of self awareness driven, by being overly sensitive-- oddly made me feel better- in part as when he acts like that toward me IT IS NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL!! HE is not being critical or difficult with just me- but his insecurity gets triggered and in those moments he is needy of validation. He just strikes me as emotionally needy a bit more than I expected I suppose. .
Now I don't mean to put him down or be critical as overall it was lovely! Just the small moments of him being challenging as he is suddenly negative and cranky- coming across as irritated, angry or even agressive in his speech at times. Fear based behaviors of course.
I ironically was having a hard time nailing down when to go to Buffalo as the incentive for me was purely selfish: MY pleasure. My time with My lover/ friend to celebrate My Birthday...and yrs our five years of connecting he calls "Anniversary " which is funny to me
So for me it's like the fling I was open to turned into a series of connections over five years with this nice guy who had been a Bachelor all his life. YES he is a super nice and thoughtful person. I just focus on the negative moments to understand them so can't judge a person by only the challenges which is what I have a NEED to write about! This relationship works for me as until I meet someone that could fully enter my world I am happy with the relationship offered to me and am happy with this man who is appreciative of what I can offer and YES does value the time we spend together. He does value ME in the particular.
I just won't offer more unless was really sure it would be in my kid's interest frankly.
So maybe it was my own fear that 🤔 made me not be willing in past...
But in any case at least during this visit I really did enjoy his company and he seemed both less irritated by me and less irritating. I saw the behaviors I see as him picking a fight but this time it was clearer he us like Dr. Fauci in that he needs affirmation. My friend Dr. Fauci who is so in love with his lady needs affirmation from her and his language of love is physical, sexual intimacy. So when she is not offering that he feels unmoored! That is not my guy's language of love it seems to me. My guy's language of love that he seems to need is undivided attention so he knows he is heard and valued. He needs affirmation and he needs to know he is prioritized.
That I think is the source of conflict right there in our relationship: an insecurity in him if he feels he is not important in a moment seeming afraid of someone else getting my attention or afraid I am not prioritizing him over myself at times. He seems to have this need for me ( and I saw him have thus need in the friendship with his bro) to have his ideas validated and followed or he took it as a personal put down. That comes from a deep insecurity and us expressed like comments he made to his friend when they argued over something stupid in my guy insulted his expertise was not listened to and questioned.
It was interesting to watch their spats! ( I re-read to correct spelling and realized I repeat myself when I write stream of consciousness! I don't typically edit but for misspellings but could really use a good editor once writing for publication!) So until the VERY LAST NIGHT when I was ready to go to bed, we had not had any spats. I only observed them with his bestie bro and he.
I was taking in the dynamic and observing to learn from it. It made me feel affirmed that it was not me triggering my guy but something In him ....
Which he is not necessarily aware of. It also made me feel better to not take it personally and it's easier to let go of hurt from him having picked a fight in a way ( with me weeks ago when he put more energy into choosing to be irritated and argue trying to make a clear plan than in effort to relax and just enjoy the beautiful bed and breakfast we were blessed to be at in the moment.)
The other nice thing about spending time with his friend was to hear his friend's gratitude fir the thoughtfulness of my guy. The flip side of his need for planning is that he dies put time and effort into planning thoughtful things to do for and with others.
He has asked me if I would mind if he brought his buddy who was back in town that weekend to the cemetery to visit grave if a mutual friend that passes of theirs.
I said sure...
His buddy was so moved by this. These guys had their own beautiful memorial.
Now the irony is while I was having trouble carving out time to travel for ME and my desires; 👪 coming first one reason but another that easier for me to commit to things for others than my own happiness or pleasure ,
He asked me to come for him. Her death was particularly hard for him.
I immediately said yes and was able to easily clear my calendar.
So my Buffalo guy was sweet in accommodating me. But the kicker was my son also was bringing his new girlfriend he us serious about to meet the family. My oldest got a ticket to fly in as well. My son really wanted family time.
My guy friend was so gracious and loving and supportive of me stating with him and divining my time and attention and tge weekend not being about him or us but focused on my son's needs frankly.
He said sure come in and let's schedule our weekend as we had been discussing.
I love that idea. After this weekend as it was such a nice connection with him being so supportive and loving of me in giving me that space when there for my family to be off with my oldest two and also their Dad my first ex hubby in context of my son just wanting his family around him, I feel emotionally more supportive and connected to him.
So I definitely feel more trusting of my guy and more inclined to want to spend time with him.
If. Guy is needy of my attention I am the one feeling smothered. If a guy wants commitment and undivided attention I am the one wanting distance.
That is my issue but it is grounded in having been In a relationship with someone really insecure and narcissistic that acted threatened and unsupported of other relationships existing in my life.
I will never be in a relationship like that again.
I mean Dr. Fauci is so emotionally enmeshed with his girlfriend he can't maintain healthy friendships with others it seems to me. ( I wonder at that attracting men polar opposite in a way.)
Irony was the memorial for my son's teacher was canceled as the Delta variant has picked up in Erie County. She was quite an influential public figure and loved by many so there would be no way to manage to keep a church service for her small. They called it off to reschedule just a few days before as covid there keeps increasing. She was an African American lady and stats are showing less vaccination in the black community that white community there. It was a prudent decision albeit a difficult one for the family after putting that off for a year then actually planning the event.
It would have been AN EVENT! Not merely a memorial but as an artist leader and community leader the arts communities would have been collaborative in celebration of her life.
Instead of allowing extended family and friends a very small group of her immediate family and just a few others had a small backyard celebration.
So me, my oldest etc...did not go. My son did not need to deliver the public speech he prepared at family request ( or gave it to the small group). He went to the family celebration.
And I was there at graveside as two now grown frat bros ( one my sometimes lover ), drank a toast to their beloved brother who died on 2019.
I did enjoy some wonder time with my oldest kids and their Dad. It was great to have that family time. We hiked a park together enjoyed a meal put and went to Niagara Falls. My son his girlfriend and I enjoyed time going on Maid of the Mist.
Then last night my guy's buddy left and my guy and I had the loveliest meal and walk!
My ✈️ boarding ....heading home after lovely weekend.
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