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2021-09-25 - 8:37 a.m.

I felt like I was doing my morning writing only in my head this AM around 6AM. I awoke naturally but didn't need to get up for another hour.

Volunteering at the football game with marching band was likely good for me last night. I was a bit cranky and tired. After working a full day I was just exhausted so first took a quick nap then spent 20 minutes searching the CLEAN house for the Tshirt for the band roadies.

I mean the house is CLEAN and I knew exactly where I left the shirt! It took that long to find where I forgot I moved it to. Obvious and logical spot- on a table right by the front door. but it got blocked from view as was tucked behind a basket full of Bellatrix's dog toys.

Those are the ADHD moments that drive me crazy.

So this morning I was thinking about how I just don't have energy to go into spaces that don't make me feel good.

It just seems like it would be hard to justify telling the guy friend I don't want to spend time with him as he is a smoker and a drinker.

But truth be told those are huge factors for me.

And how does one possibly justify "I am just not finding time with you WORTH The pain of travel and then the discomfort my body is in FOR DAYS"
to someone who really seems to NOT GET IT when it comes to chronic illness?

I mean I always felt he didn't quite get it.

I did directly address that I was uncomfortable with the calling our meeting an "Anniversary" And wanting to celebrate it. I mean I guess that is ok as indeed what else do you call the date something started...

but it made me question
Anniversary of WHAT?

I told him this and discussed my discomfort. I mean it seems so artificail, pretend, to act romantic for a few moments... and do things that are romantic in nature with someone there is zero commitment to who likes me fine but is just not THAT into me; and vice versa.

I mean it also seems so odd he is not transparent in discussing his life. I knew that. I mean no surprise. Not I have dated other men non monogoumously but what made me uncomfortable with him is is never talks about anyone other than the guy friends in his world.


and a red flag

I mean what are women if not actual friends? ARe they just sexual partners to the guy? Does he not develop actual relatiionships worthy of conversation?

OR is he one who is worried about jealousy and WHY?

I don't know...I just know it was odd to me. That lack of communication and transparency after YEARS.

I mean I get it at first.

So I addressed that. to which his response was to then tell me about the dating relationship he had

FROM which he caught COVID at the whole start of this thing ( so he thinks- never tested timely to confirm).


He is rather sure he had COVID that Feb when it began appearing here. It turns out he dated someone that had been sick and didn't mention it as was feeling better- now recall this was before COVID knowledge was widespread. So she wasn't necessarily being irrespoinsible. Then it was a few dates, after one of which he got ill as well- not even knowing she had been sick apparently. Then they didn't really hit it off but talked some months later and he then learned she found out she had COVID and failed to mention it to him- learning of it after the fact....
as he too failed to mention this to me...
having learned of it after the fact.



I am just glad that I opted to NOT see him, not travel during all that time and when he came by on a drive by I wore my mask and met him only for a walk in the part for one hour.

What I have trouble wrapping my mind around however is that both he and my friend the winery owner here in Loudoun BOTH CAUGHT COVID- considering how sick they were and for how long. Both were REALLY under the weather and had zero energy. My Buffalo friend said he literally has never been sicker in his life. Likewise the winery owner friend who had just returned from Asia when he got ill that January.

BOTH did not test postive for it when they took antibody tests MONTHS later. BUT both were sick for months..
and this is the part I do NOT get:
BOTH are unvaccinated.
BOTH are so against mass vaccination and think "let it play out". There is this narcissistic view in my estimate that because they didn't die they don't see it as a REAL Threat. WHAT?? YOU BOTH COULD BARELY FUNCTION! ONE IS STILL FEELING AFFECTS

but both these men minimize the reality for others because they lived through it.

So last Feb when he was sick as a dog, he didn't really know what was going on.

Although I have not been to the winery of spoken with my friend there for months now so not sure if he ever did get the vaccination. He might have by now.

But the Buffalo guy is so resistant.

I have listened to his views but I reallly don't understand how he can logically think that the data he is looking at justifies his position at all. There are so few actual reported side effects of the vaccines but there are still reported deaths.

I just don't get it.
But between him NOT being vaccinated; and being a smoker and being a drinker...
I feel like the no vaccination stance is the item which weighs in on the side of not worth my time.

I might have felt very different if he had gotten the vaccine. Knowing it is important to MY FAMILY with their ongoing chronic illnessess it may have made me feel more validated that he cares enough about ME to just get it -
way back when he was on the fence and not feeling strongly either way.

I mean he went to get it once but of course he went at the last minute when they were closing ( I swear his time management is worse than mine- so I get it); and they were not going to open a pack of 10 vaccines to give one more then and scamble to FIND nine more willing folks OR have the other nine vials in the pack of ten go to waste once the pack is opened.

To me it is not unreasonable to do things you don't agree with once in a while because they are important to your loved ones.

I had fun with him over the past five years we got together-

but it just does not feel worth my energy and time to invest in this now.

So there it is.

I told him I am just not up for travel.


I don't think I need to hurt his feelings.
I don't think it was lying...

because i was having no energy and excitement at the thought of travel to go spent time with him.

I did when on the phone with him talking about possible plans and finding what weekend we could both get away from responsibilities-

but the thing is, I DON"T WANT To get away from my family responsibilites.

PLAIN And simple

It better be something REALLY GREAT for me to want to get away from MY DAILY LIFE and MY FAMILY HERE.

I think in the past he WAS something really great for me.

JUST not the case currently.
I can't say the relationship EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTS ME. I find it draining...
to be discussing my family with him; to be discussing ANY CURRENT EVENTS of the past few years with him.

I mean, when I have free time and want to do something valuable with my time I volunteer in my community- in my kids' school with band parents; or in my church as a deacon doing various outreach and support things. I like investing in my community right where I live.

THEN after the work and volunteer work and family - just cleaning and cooking the little I do ( not alot of that of late! in part as it is one of the ONLY Things one kid of mine will do so I pulled back so the kitchen and opportunity is there : ) But also as I am TIRED and can only do so much each day! That took back burner.... and I stock up on ready to eat stuff. I DO NOT count heating spaghetti, or a frozen pre-prepared meal or heating something from a can or pre-prepared rotisserie chicken can buy from supermarket etc as cooking. NO I don't cook of late- I just compile easier meals.

DAmn I thawed out some chicken breast a couple days ago so today HAVE TO COOK lunch before I go to my afternoon shift at the retirement community.

I was so relieved to NOT be on point to help with a band competition this AM. I originally did sign up but some point had wisdom to remove that commitment (likely after go scheduled to work today). I am just TIRED and need this AM to rest. I did dishes from yesterday and moved laundry and feel like that is all can handle today other than making stir fry later with the chicken and veggies and leftover seasoned rice I made far too much of.

So minimal cooking...

Good news is that I pulled out the hepa filter from my attic and have it running and I am sitting comfortably on my new couch. The lingering cigarette smoke is undoubtedly STILL there ever so faint. I can tell as I smell it when I leave my bedroom.

Smoke smell was exasperated when I had the ADHD moment of throwing eggs in a pan and then for some stupid reason the morning before last thought it a good idea to try to multitask. I completely FORGOT about the eggs and burned them! So no sooner did I clear out the cigarettes lingering smell to the best of ability did I smoke up the whole area AGAIN with burning eggs.

I Mean the pan was BLACK; those eggs charred!

YAWN... I think I am going to actually just put on a stupid TV show and sit here and veg for a short while this morning. THEN I WILL PRACTICE GuiTAR

I will also stop by the music store to get the guitar I bought at auction strung. It needs new strings badly. I just haven't done that yet as budgeting...

I can do it now though.

In good news the refinance loan was approved and I close on it at the end of this month.

I decided to replace these old crappy windows that are hard if not impossible to open as stuck. I asked the contractor to also give an estimate of one part of the bottom front of the house where I KNOW There had to be some water damage and mold. IT is adjacent to the part where I had the new door and that front window reolaced and discovered the water damage underneath that siding along with mold( That the butt head fix it guy did not secure from entering my house! He opened up the inner wall exposing the mold to my enviroment without mitigating/killing it. We NEVER had issues INSIDE with mold until then! I still have to bleach the heck out of my bathrooms regularly or mold will grow so its frustratingly likely STILL in the enviroment!! One of the reasons I prefer having had windows open every night and NOT running the AC was the fresh air
the benefit of that was then outweighed by the crazy high humidity here! THAT Is the real source of the mold issues!

THIS YEAR the humidity was so bad! I don't recall it being this bad in years past. One neighbor power washed his walkway and our sidewalks and it is crazy how once he cleaned you can see the dirt and YES MOLD that is on the other walks!!

My back porch has had MOLD grow on the panels!!

MY LONG term goal is to pull off that wood porch and put on a composite which will not rot or mold. Maybe that is a DIY job?

Heck maybe my traveling brother the former banker will take the job?

My bro hated his job and of late ( after quitting) as been kinda this drifter migrant laborer hanging at friends homes working on their renovations. He restored an old beautiful home with his then wife up in NY; and in past few years hear of time spent with one friend here and there- and always working on refurbishing their homes with major projects. So he seems to have found his nitch. The unofficial handyman home improvement skills set has been in demand!

I think it has been making him happy the past couple of years.

The trouble is I think he then was READY To go back into the world of work full time; in the financial sector-
but after being off a few years I think it is hard to get hired.

Not many understand and trust that non traditional life choice to JUST BE HAPPY cause I HAVE ENOUGH.

NOT WANTING MORE for the time being, and just actually ENJOY BEING.

My bro is very zen

But he is also the get it done kinda guy. He needs to carve out time and space to be zen-

I totally get it.

The Dead Head who was a VP working NYC FINANCIAL SECTOR.

I mean two seeming opposite worlds-
but I get it.

HE saw himself turned into the workaholic and living in the grind of making mad money but having no quality of life and threw in the towel to find balance and happiness again.

Getting back into that space of work in a role with balance is indeed hard to do in that financial sector. It is kinda a toxic environment I think. So I know he was looking at banks OUTSIDE of the NY area- figuring perhaps in the south things move more slowly ( OH YES They do!)

I know he interviewed for a job not more than a couple hrs from me in VA and too bad did not get it...
CE la vie..

Maybe I can pitch a porch project and have him stay in my basement for a bit. It would be fun to spend time with my bro.

In any case, after the refinance I can look at the widow estimate and consider what can afford to do to maintain this house. Its not that old- but you know, crappy construction of modern homes requires more maintenance than some of those structurally more sound 100 to 200 yr old homes! I SWEAR !! Its crazy.

I go to Buffalo and look at some of those homes and see they are just SOLID.

Of course they need work too...
but I just think it ridiculous in this- what 30 yr old townhome- that I have to rip out a front wall and rebuild the bottom floor (basement) window frame due to water damage.

Hey any homeowners out there- it is STILL A GREAT TIME to refinance.
Rates are low and yeah its a pain but worth the effort to secure a new loan at a lower interest rate, lower monthly payment for just a little bit more money on that loan than the current IF you put that money right back into improvements of your home.

TOTALLY A good fiscal move.

Reminds me I have to call my friend who I worked with for years that I walked with regularlly durign COVID to see how she is. I felt badly we have plans to go our to celebrate her retirement but I had to cancel. My kid made a Dr. appt I had to drive the kid to on the SAME DAY of my social engagement. My fault as I forgot and didn't tell my kid that day was not good.
It was important and could not be missed so I had to cancel on my friend.

THAT Is the challenge of ADHD and maintaining friendships- the lack of organization can actually BE really self centered. Whether MEAN for it to be or not- it is self centered when can't commit or have to cancel plans as don't remember things.

I MEAN if something is REALLY IMPORTANT neurotypicals ASSUME you would remember it, right?

Well not actually true for the ADHD brain.

We forget even things profoundly important to us.

Memory not related to prioritization and importance. That really sucks frankly!

ON THAT NOTE-- this is why we need to recognize our inherently crappy skills and get help to improve them!
HERE IS a great VLOG I listened to this AM ( which frankly was the reason came here! LOL I came here with intent to post it but got distracted.)

Seth Perlman, Executive Function COACH on his top tips for developing skills to be successful:

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