2021-10-08 - 7:29 a.m.

I still occasionally write an entry then lose it.

It often coincides it seems with something that perhaps was written FOR ME and I likely should not have out here in the real world...rather in the rest of the world.

So now I came here searching to find the name of a movie I watched as I just HAVE to tell my new lover of it.

First of all; in order to have space for something new to come into one's life one has to allow the room.

This I know.
Clearing and cleaning and removing clutter is important.
I am super happy that I just went through the cleaning spree ( than you Dronie! LOL).
Sometimes we let go of things we absolutely love. YES things that were such a part of our world, our selves, our expression, some even felt like an extension of self and are hard to let go of.
Its a hard thing the letting go.
It can be hard to learn how to let go of favorite clothing
the comfortable that fit well
that may be imperfect but still provide basic need of sheltering and making you feel perhaps warmer, or provide some softness

It can be hard to let go of books
those which really were instrumental in being formative developing creative thoughts you never would have otherwise had.

I mean who wants to discard their copy of Atlas Shrugged ? (LOL I donated that long ago... kinda wish it was still here for my kid to discover.)

It can be harder to let go of a lover one feels they have outgrown. Or rather really enjoy but haven't GROWN INTO.

Like those great jeans or sexy dress some ladies buy thinking that they will motivate them to lose weight. (I have been wise and never have done that! I know better.)

So there was a clearing I needed to do. I mean it was clear to me when my Buffalo lover was honoring the five years of our connecting that I WAS not in that relationship for the long haul. I mean it was clear to me that we are not actually compatible to be life partners. AS much as I can say I DO LOVE HIM and he tells me he does love me and as much as I enjoy time with him there are reasons that relationship falls short of what I would like to have space for in my life.

It came down to clearing that space. To have fertile ground so if something else could grow here in this messy life of mine there is room for it.

I welcomed my Buffalo guy in, but he never wanted to come here- into this space. this life of mine.
He was not willing to let go of what he has to make room for something new.

Its funny as I WAS open to the possibility once I think.
But it was time to let go.

So I did so knowing it was nice to enjoy this time doing the things I really enjoy.

I did buy a ticket to go see a show in NYC.

Sanctuary City

It was my assertation that I want to not lose time for those things I value; my planned artist date with my self to embrace that which is important and beautiful and valuable and worthy of my time and attention:

Theater

GOOD theater

and celebrating value of family and belonging and SEEING the folks in our society that some seem to discard.
OR not want to help
or whom are so different they are just not interested ; indifferent . The purchase of that ticket was also the antidote to my having put on a movie at my friend's (the one friend who delighted in me having joy at watching movies and opened his home to me- at the winery for me to relax) but then the movie HAPPENED to be about immigrants and he went off on his vitriolic rants of how they are using our resources etc.. I mean just antithical to my values of welcoming the neighbor and valuing immigrants as the heart of our country. So that play was my assertion of wanting to enjoy the things I VALUE and enjoy my time with self. I feel like I SHOULD be reaching out to help the Afghani immigrants in our area ( some about an hour away re-settling and yes my church is doing a small bit- clothing and supply drive as they came here WITH NOTHING. One Deacon works for Homeland Security actually and they as an organization are instrumental in providing safety to many refugees housed at army bases now being used as refugee shelters. I can't dive deep into that kind of volunteer work as it is just not regionally AVAILABLE here where I live and I need to remain close to home for work and family. I don't have means just now with all else in my family priorities to head to find where to help YET. so the small gesture was going to go and hear the story one is telling that helps us collectively ( whoever hears or sees that show) have some greater understanding of one story- of two people- which may be similar to so many stories- which may help some think and learn more about those who are or WERE the "other " and might help some reflect and learn more about themselves. That is what great theater does after all while it also entertains and moves us.

It was bought after saying NO to making plans to travel for an upcoming weekend to celebrate the five years of dating the guy in Buffalo. It felt like an act of defiance in a way and an assertion of my freedom. AH YES my fear of commitment to things or people not right for me was strong! I feel like the ACT of buying the ticket met some need in me; some assertion of self that was important I make! Yet once having made it, and putting my money into that things which I value- supporting the theater in telling REAL Stories of marginalized people of color in particular whom mainstream America does not often see represented in our entertainment to me IS IMPORTANT. To me it feels very PERSONAL as I WANTED to devote my life working with immigrants to make their lives better; to help them have access to basic needs; to help them obtain citizenship and its privileges. The play about all those things was very personal to me- just the act of supporting it. SOMEDAY perhaps I will get the chance to see it. Considering the plans to celebrate five years in a NON committed relationship with the man I barely saw the past three- well

I just was not feeling that. And the more we talked about the plans- HE is a big Bills fan and his parents live in Nashville; so we talked about me going with him to Nashville-
but then he said he would like to spend time visiting his parents
but we can't stay there
and it wasn't clear he would even want to bring me to meet them

well- the more it became clear this guy is not in love with me
is not looking to a future of any substance other than the lets get together every once in a while

I mean to date five years but then if in city your parents are in not want to even introduce and make it clear you never even talked to your parents about me AT ALL
just to me is a bad sign for a realtionship...

Heck I talked to MY FAMILY About him many times.

It was just so freaking weird to me how he said he is POSTIVE his parents know of me ( I mean I did go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin's one year, met the Uncles and his family there....)

I mean it to me feels like he feels DIFFERENT than he did three years ago; when it was a new relationship and then FULL OF POSSIBILITIES

Possibilities he chose not to actualize is the way I see it.

And then for him to DENY we have certain conversations.

Its like when we met we DID have that moment of falling for each other; the falling in love and it was wonderful
And we were enjoying this dating- getting together every month for a bit, then every other month and had a good run.
We have mutual friends and it was super fun..

Were I to travel NEXT week there was an event he was invited to for a mutual friend of ours I WOULD LOVE TO ATTEND

but I realized it was the draw of that event more than time with him I was excited for. The opportunity to see OTHER college friends.

So I let him go.
Of course I still have moments he comes to mind. We did have a beautiful evening walking just up his street in the city to a local cafe.
Place called Romeo and Juliet's
where I had perhaps the most delicious chocolate moose bomb bought there for desert which I ate the next day in the airport with a cup of hot fresh coffee. We had a delicious meal and got desert to go but never ate it that night.

I valued the relationship. Its just that it ran its course. I was so TIRED of it. We had recent GREAT conversations but some in past not so great ( downright ugly) about things close to my heart. Like the anger he spewed when he said " So I could just become a woman tomorrow and then take advantage of a woman owned business"

"YEah..if you really felt that tomorrow you could choose to be a woman "

It was in midst of an argument about what rights a trans person should have.

I mean those conversations at times were so ugly to me. I mean to be sitting in a counselor office waiting room where I brought a teen to therapy and then to be in the waiting room listening to his reaction to whether or not PEOPLE LIKE My KIDS CAN EVEN EXIST IN this WORLD IN CERTAIN SPACES

and for him to not realize what he said sounded very hateful to me...

but we talked it though and he liked I listened and reasoned
and he did not feel judged for me hearing and accepting his views

SURE even though I told him mine in response and gently questioned his views

I MEAN even though he says things like he is accepting
but still refuses to call CARA , a gal now on roller derby

but still uses the given guy name and says "We are not homophobic in our frat. HE is always our brother"

HE just doesn't quite get it
the talk of his "I don't care the guy wants to have boobs and now be a girl , whatever"

but then he goes on to validate himself and how accepting he is..
and its just frustrating and hard to hear

as he still calls this now lady by the male name and he talks of how the guy is the ugliest girl...etc... and I am not hearing brotherly love of who this person is NOW
I get it that it is a challenge to get used to all this for ANYONE in our world where individuals are not constrained to the roles and ways of being that traditionally were visible.
The thing is there were ALWAYS Trans folks.

Maybe it is not fair of me to drop friends/lovers because I am tired of hanging around people who have such a hard time with the issues of the world that to me are NOT NEW and NOT of concern to ME-
BUT it has gotten SO OLD AND TIRING TO ME
when my concerns are their resistance to change.

Their fear and their not wanting to welcome folks LIKE MY KiDS in spaces .

Funny I just thought of my winery friend. He has a trans kid ( I think both his are actually on the LGBTQ specturm actually).

It was so GREAT to see his growth, I mean I stuck out the friendship through his down right angry , hurt and at times hateful speech..
and it was wonderful to see him celebrate the college graduation of his daughter who he now calls by her name and accepts in this world as she is-

not as he hoped his kid would be.

To me and our family who grew up with his kids it just made SENSE when his child identified as a girl/woman.

OH OF COURSE was our reaction. That was evident, if not obvious all through this kids childhood.

Not everyone wanted to SEE That.

I laugh as I have a friend who says they did not see the gender identification of one of my kids but then I look at pictures and think of the things that kid would do and how they navigate the world and it is and was ALL BOY
so the fact He is used by one and they by another of my kids is likewise NOT A BIG SURPRISE.

In any case. I have to admit that I encountered this beautiful soul that seemed... well so familiar...and just resonates with me I think.

Yeah I think that is the right word.
Resonation

Weirdly feels like a soul mate resonation. I mean... just to be so aligned for a change in how I THINK with someone I am also ATTRACTED to is wonderful.

There is a chemistry when opposites attract.
I just have gotten so tired of the WORK it takes to try to listen and UNDERSTAND and have some respect for the....

lack of respect comes to mind...

see that is it.

Try to have respect for the views of some of the friends, former lovers...

but their views ultimately to me come down to NOT being willing to have respect for others that are not like them.

The conversations just get so tiring.
And what it came down to is that the conversations are not theoretical. My winery friend and I knew LONG ago we could not have a relationship other than a friendship for so many reasons. So very many reasons
but the Buffalo guy I fell in love with five years ago was different as there seemed possibility-
but I feel like the deal breaker for me ( and there should be a few see- the drinking, the smoking....I could overlook those for a long distance thing- but not for a serious commitment of being in each other's lives daily at some point);
the real deal breaker is that it is NOT theoretical that all his views are in reality ANTITHICAL TO MY FAMILY.

Plain and simple.
I can't welcome a lover if I can't welcome him into my whole world.

I mean there it is.

Not that I HAVE TO welcome him into my whole world but I want AT LEAST THE POSSIBILITy

When fall in love with someone I want the actual possibility of considering a future,

YES I DO WANT THAT.
and I am realizing that YES my family is complicated

BUT NO They are not unworthy of being loved and accepted FOR WHO THEY ARE

and I deserve someone who can love me AND YES Love my family.

I had that before.

I rejected it then.

(Who knows? perhaps a mistake)

But there was not CHEMISTRY
and I feel like I CAN have that again with someone there is also chemistry with ( yes I know chemistry is short lived and not all the time; and comes and goes and ebbs and flows-- but inherently there HAS TO BE SOME ALCHEMICAL FEELING

some serious attraction
I think a baseline HAS TO BE THERE

DAMN this is not what I was going to write today

I was going to write

DAMN

I wrote of this INCREDIBLE MOVIE
and it was ... shit it was in the setting where this wonderful guy I had a rendezvous works

and I watched it at the winery some months ago
NO not the KISS
another incredible movie

and its an entry I LOST cause when I wrote about the movie I also wrote about the man and at that point was so blown away by the beauty of the experience I shared with him- but did not know if I would ever even SEE HIM AGAIN. I mean it was OK either way frankly. It was like this actualization of a fantasy as frankly WE BOTH had a palpable attraction felt YEARS Ago,,, but it did not make SENSE. NO it did not then but now... well now it is different.. YES very different.

and was GLAD I lost the entry at that point as it was very private really

BUT the challenge is I want to recall the name of THAT MOVIE
and can't for the life of me find it,

I will have to go visit the winery and raid the DVD Drawer and will find it,
I know this guy will love it.

as I enjoyed a visit from this absolutely beautiful human I was not sure when I would see again but whom I find on my mind...
and who I was very happy came to see me last night after work ( after his work).

I mean he reached out , I get this message he wanted to see me and It was like this wonderful unexpected gift ( oh but I have been thinking of him!) Not unexpected to hear from him again; but I had no idea WHEN that would be... or even IF IT WOULD BE yet somehow I hoped it would be...and knew if he chose to see me again it would be good; yet it was still such a joyful surprise in the moment if that makes ANY SENSE I mean the wonder of it. The unexpectedness of this, The ease of it. and knowing the Buffalo relationship was good but all things come to end,
It was time.

Not that I won't see my Buffalo friend again.
But not any time soon and it won't be the same.

I needed to let go FOR ME

but also emotionally let go for room for something different.

NOT knowing if it may manifest or not.
But it was good last night to enjoy company and this soul I don't feel like is antithcal to my values.

I cancelled going to NY
That was more the IDEA of embracing what I WANT TO DO

I don't have energy for that travel this weekend,

TOO Exhausted after last weekend spending time at the college with my oldest two. My body needs to rest and recover after travel

OK-- off to face this beautiful new day
I just have this incredible image of this gorgeous young man I can hardly believe IS REAL who was here with me
WOW

Its real
I am kinda blown away.

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