2021-10-08 - 7:29 a.m.
I still occasionally write an entry then lose it.
It often coincides it seems with something that perhaps was written FOR ME and I likely should not have out here in the real world...rather in the rest of the world.
So now I came here searching to find the name of a movie I watched as I just HAVE to tell my new lover of it.
First of all; in order to have space for something new to come into one's life one has to allow the room.
This I know.
It can be hard to let go of books
I mean who wants to discard their copy of Atlas Shrugged ? (LOL I donated that long ago... kinda wish it was still here for my kid to discover.)
It can be harder to let go of a lover one feels they have outgrown. Or rather really enjoy but haven't GROWN INTO.
Like those great jeans or sexy dress some ladies buy thinking that they will motivate them to lose weight. (I have been wise and never have done that! I know better.)
So there was a clearing I needed to do. I mean it was clear to me when my Buffalo lover was honoring the five years of our connecting that I WAS not in that relationship for the long haul. I mean it was clear to me that we are not actually compatible to be life partners. AS much as I can say I DO LOVE HIM and he tells me he does love me and as much as I enjoy time with him there are reasons that relationship falls short of what I would like to have space for in my life.
It came down to clearing that space. To have fertile ground so if something else could grow here in this messy life of mine there is room for it.
I welcomed my Buffalo guy in, but he never wanted to come here- into this space. this life of mine.
Its funny as I WAS open to the possibility once I think.
So I did so knowing it was nice to enjoy this time doing the things I really enjoy.
I did buy a ticket to go see a show in NYC.
It was my assertation that I want to not lose time for those things I value; my planned artist date with my self to embrace that which is important and beautiful and valuable and worthy of my time and attention:
and celebrating value of family and belonging and SEEING the folks in our society that some seem to discard.
It was bought after saying NO to making plans to travel for an upcoming weekend to celebrate the five years of dating the guy in Buffalo. It felt like an act of defiance in a way and an assertion of my freedom. AH YES my fear of commitment to things or people not right for me was strong! I feel like the ACT of buying the ticket met some need in me; some assertion of self that was important I make! Yet once having made it, and putting my money into that things which I value- supporting the theater in telling REAL Stories of marginalized people of color in particular whom mainstream America does not often see represented in our entertainment to me IS IMPORTANT. To me it feels very PERSONAL as I WANTED to devote my life working with immigrants to make their lives better; to help them have access to basic needs; to help them obtain citizenship and its privileges. The play about all those things was very personal to me- just the act of supporting it. SOMEDAY perhaps I will get the chance to see it. Considering the plans to celebrate five years in a NON committed relationship with the man I barely saw the past three- well
I just was not feeling that. And the more we talked about the plans- HE is a big Bills fan and his parents live in Nashville; so we talked about me going with him to Nashville-
well- the more it became clear this guy is not in love with me
I mean to date five years but then if in city your parents are in not want to even introduce and make it clear you never even talked to your parents about me AT ALL
Heck I talked to MY FAMILY About him many times.
It was just so freaking weird to me how he said he is POSTIVE his parents know of me ( I mean I did go to Thanksgiving dinner at his cousin's one year, met the Uncles and his family there....)
I mean it to me feels like he feels DIFFERENT than he did three years ago; when it was a new relationship and then FULL OF POSSIBILITIES
Possibilities he chose not to actualize is the way I see it.
And then for him to DENY we have certain conversations.
Its like when we met we DID have that moment of falling for each other; the falling in love and it was wonderful
Were I to travel NEXT week there was an event he was invited to for a mutual friend of ours I WOULD LOVE TO ATTEND
but I realized it was the draw of that event more than time with him I was excited for. The opportunity to see OTHER college friends.
So I let him go.
I valued the relationship. Its just that it ran its course. I was so TIRED of it. We had recent GREAT conversations but some in past not so great ( downright ugly) about things close to my heart. Like the anger he spewed when he said " So I could just become a woman tomorrow and then take advantage of a woman owned business"
"YEah..if you really felt that tomorrow you could choose to be a woman "
I mean those conversations at times were so ugly to me. I mean to be sitting in a counselor office waiting room where I brought a teen to therapy and then to be in the waiting room listening to his reaction to whether or not PEOPLE LIKE My KIDS CAN EVEN EXIST IN this WORLD IN CERTAIN SPACES
and for him to not realize what he said sounded very hateful to me...
but we talked it though and he liked I listened and reasoned
I MEAN even though he says things like he is accepting
but still uses the given guy name and says "We are not homophobic in our frat. HE is always our brother"
HE just doesn't quite get it
but then he goes on to validate himself and how accepting he is..
as he still calls this now lady by the male name and he talks of how the guy is the ugliest girl...etc... and I am not hearing brotherly love of who this person is NOW
Maybe it is not fair of me to drop friends/lovers because I am tired of hanging around people who have such a hard time with the issues of the world that to me are NOT NEW and NOT of concern to ME-
Their fear and their not wanting to welcome folks LIKE MY KiDS in spaces .
Funny I just thought of my winery friend. He has a trans kid ( I think both his are actually on the LGBTQ specturm actually).
It was so GREAT to see his growth, I mean I stuck out the friendship through his down right angry , hurt and at times hateful speech..
not as he hoped his kid would be.
To me and our family who grew up with his kids it just made SENSE when his child identified as a girl/woman.
OH OF COURSE was our reaction. That was evident, if not obvious all through this kids childhood.
Not everyone wanted to SEE That.
I laugh as I have a friend who says they did not see the gender identification of one of my kids but then I look at pictures and think of the things that kid would do and how they navigate the world and it is and was ALL BOY
Yeah I think that is the right word.
Weirdly feels like a soul mate resonation. I mean... just to be so aligned for a change in how I THINK with someone I am also ATTRACTED to is wonderful.
There is a chemistry when opposites attract.
lack of respect comes to mind...
see that is it.
Try to have respect for the views of some of the friends, former lovers...
but their views ultimately to me come down to NOT being willing to have respect for others that are not like them.
The conversations just get so tiring.
Plain and simple.
I mean there it is.
Not that I HAVE TO welcome him into my whole world but I want AT LEAST THE POSSIBILITy
When fall in love with someone I want the actual possibility of considering a future,
YES I DO WANT THAT.
BUT NO They are not unworthy of being loved and accepted FOR WHO THEY ARE
and I deserve someone who can love me AND YES Love my family.
I had that before.
I rejected it then.
(Who knows? perhaps a mistake)
But there was not CHEMISTRY
some serious attraction
DAMN this is not what I was going to write today
I was going to write
I wrote of this INCREDIBLE MOVIE
and I watched it at the winery some months ago
and its an entry I LOST cause when I wrote about the movie I also wrote about the man and at that point was so blown away by the beauty of the experience I shared with him- but did not know if I would ever even SEE HIM AGAIN. I mean it was OK either way frankly. It was like this actualization of a fantasy as frankly WE BOTH had a palpable attraction felt YEARS Ago,,, but it did not make SENSE. NO it did not then but now... well now it is different.. YES very different.
and was GLAD I lost the entry at that point as it was very private really
BUT the challenge is I want to recall the name of THAT MOVIE
I will have to go visit the winery and raid the DVD Drawer and will find it,
as I enjoyed a visit from this absolutely beautiful human I was not sure when I would see again but whom I find on my mind...
I mean he reached out , I get this message he wanted to see me and It was like this wonderful unexpected gift ( oh but I have been thinking of him!)
Not unexpected to hear from him again; but I had no idea WHEN that would be... or even IF IT WOULD BE
yet somehow I hoped it would be...and knew if he chose to see me again it would be good; yet it was still such a joyful surprise in the moment if that makes ANY SENSE
I mean the wonder of it.
The unexpectedness of this,
The ease of it.
and knowing the Buffalo relationship was good but all things come to end,
Not that I won't see my Buffalo friend again.
I needed to let go FOR ME
but also emotionally let go for room for something different.
NOT knowing if it may manifest or not.
I cancelled going to NY
I don't have energy for that travel this weekend,
TOO Exhausted after last weekend spending time at the college with my oldest two. My body needs to rest and recover after travel
OK-- off to face this beautiful new day
SNL NAILED IT - 2021-10-09
Soul connecting - 2021-10-09
Battle woes Agent MIA - 2021-10-08
Not a dream - 2021-10-08
Who will save your soul? - 2021-10-07