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2021-10-17 - 12:06 a.m.

I admit it.
I would actually like to text the guy I saw last week.
He is on my mind-- a lot

Is so crazy I had this fantasy in my mind today-
as in a whole scene as it would play out in a movie...
the cinematic images going through my mind as I was in this town running an errand. I had picked up my dinner at a KFC, and as I ate the seasoned fries had this beautiful romantic cinematic scene in my mind (informed of course of this weekend of celebrating fine cinema and watching wonderful films at a film festival.) I was heading back to the festival after my errand fit in, and then I drove down this highway...following the GPS
that HAPPENED to actually pass just a few blocks from the place he works.

Coincidence really. I didn't expect that; was taken with surprise as I see the sign for his workplace on the roadside. I mean in the cinematic version I would have not driven by.... The scene was ALREADY in my mind. In the scene I stopped and asked him to just take a quick break. The notion of REALLY Stopping seemed too ridiculous. Surreal however that I had the dream and did not know I would be on that road.
In a dumb move I DROPPED my license when was at the drive in COVID test at a pharmacy Friday morning; but as I had the test in my hand at the time I didn't want to be picking up a license off the dirty ground right before self administering my covid PCR test.
Figured clean hands a better idea!

BUT THEN when I was done running the test, and figuring out how to put it in the drop box for them; there was a car behind me and i felt rushed and completely FORGOT to get out of my car to retrieve the driver's license I had dropped

So I had to drive all the way back there to retrieve the liscense1

I Went in between the afternoon movie and my Sat night pick.

I had just watched PASSING in the afternoon which really requires some time to think about and process anyway, so did not mind the ride on this beautiful afternoon

EXCEPT I arrive to find the pharmacy CLOSED.

so I have to drive out their tomorrow again

OK fell asleep just now..

BUT the crazy thing was this fantasy in my head-- that I stopped by the workplace to see the young lover

and to just ask one thing

What do you want?
Do you want this fantasy of the fun of the booty call?

Do you want to just play together?

OR Do you want something real.

I want something real.

In my mind it was bold, fearless, unafraid
and romantic as if we were both aware of the intensity of being soulmates

and knowing it.

have to sleep...
but I had to just write this as it is blowing my mind really- I mean like I felt my mind was read.
But we did not even talk. I mean I had a FANTASY Of saying I want something real- what do you WANT of the CHALLENGE To create a real thing and not just play-
and rather than actually act out that fantasy and be that bold crazy chick who would show up with urgency--- like in a scene from When Harry Met Sally or something...

NO... instead I just sent a text of how gorgeous the moon was and how in my travels back to the movies I found myself thinking of him ... and how onions will never be the same..

he smelled of onions...
more particularly his HAIR smelled of onions...

and I swear when I was chopping some to throw into the crock pot as I assembled a soup to stew as I went off today on my own artist date; ( as first had to do my chores! Dishes, and straightening and cooking - leaving a meal in the crock pot. A 15 bean soup with some sausage in it) I thought how the smell of onions will never be the same for me ever again.
It will be welcomed..
with the warm memory it elicits.

So that was what I sent in a message. YES Bold enough

but this is what is funny-
He posted a meme
maybe after he read my message:

Like he read my mind.
Hmm... I think he did actually. Do you believe in soul mates? Part of a soul mate is the somehow KNOWING...
I swear communicating on another level.

So leaving you with that thought as I am going back to bed.
Just interesting.
I swear he read my mind. He gets it.
Will see if he wants to choose it.

Time will tell. No need to rush anything. If something is real one knows. If something is real one can choose to keep it real.

I sent a message in response to the meme asking "how real do you want to create?"
or something like that..
the rhetorical question
Not expecting or needing a response.

But it is out there. I can be the fantasy
the jump off from life

and he can be my fantasy
the jump off from my life

the lovers who provide moments of refuge

OR we can choose to be brave and try to create something real.

I am leaving it to him

and OK with his lead.

Letting the man lead.

For one very pragmatic reason.

I HAVE MY FAMILY I have my SIX children.

The nurturer of me, the mother instinct is so darn strong.

I swear when I fall in love with a man I have this very visceral desire, I mean it just crops up...

imagine what we can CREATE together

a very instinctive desire to co create something new.

something unimagined

in a younger version of myself that manifested in this thought of how wonderful to have a child together.

NOW my pragmatic self thinks when I fall in love with a man

How he deserves that same opportunity in life....
to have his own children.

Well frankly... I am at the age where even if I could have more kids; really I am done with that phase of my life!!!!

But that is the real question for the young lover. For a young man who could meet a young woman and have children

Does he want that in life???

I think in the past I assumed that was something the men in my life DESERVED

But perhaps it is like the bad gift givers... the ones who give gifts of things THEY LIKE because they make assumptions.

In the past I think I thought I was doing the guy a favor if I said NO when he wanted a commitment if he was young enough to find a woman who would bear his children.

But not all have that desire and instinct and yearning to have their own kids.

Just because I THINK IT WONDERFUL ; I think it was hard for me to imagine NOT wanting to have kids with a person you are in love with and want a life with.

Because those instincts are so strong in me.

But for real.. for this young man that is the conversation I would have should he and I both have intensely real soul mate feelings and if we are drawn to each other.

The visceral energy , the kinetic kinship is great- it IS REAL
a kind of real
but is there a Promise of the Real that transcends beyond that....

And if so...
would it be too much of a sacrifice on HIS PART if he DOES want that opportunity to father his own children.

YEAH I guess I am not patient anymore with just wasting time. I realized after five years of non commitment that then it was time to clarify what I WANT in a relationship.

Part of it is my kids ARE older now. I am seeing signs of independence in them and growth and healing. I may actually be READY for a commitment of a REAL relationship.

Of course that is fucking scary.

BEFORE I consider it I best get better at commitment to the little things! THE FOLLOW THROUGH WITH DISCIPLINE things..
because commitment in relationships takes dedicated effort and practice and does not come easy.

COMMIMTENT TO SELF and dedication to LOVE ONESELF by being really true to self is hard! One has to master that I think- then will be ready to do so for and with others.

Which makes me think of a funny irony.

This young lover of mine. He says "lets get together soon" (hmm...not believing that he means soon... lol.. I see through that... It will be some time)...
NO I know he had no intention of relationship when we connected. That was clear to me. BUT it is the weirdest thing to think we could be very compatible.
I think there is a weirdly unexpected potential... resonance if you will...

and the funny irony is that I realized he was in fact an inspiration for me.
BEFORE we connected; I in fact thought of him-

and this is the funny thing

I thought of his guitar playing. It was one of the things I thought of when I picked up guitar with a teacher last October. I thought
INSTEAD Of looking for the things I want in a person

BECOME those things...
and I was thinking literally of how I loved when I came across him playing.

I mean at the time I thought of this actual man
as an inspiration of wanting to learn guitar.

Because at that point when the memory of hearing him play which I love entered my head
it was without any thought there could EVER Be possibility of any sort of relationship, not even thought of a fling being practical...

BUT here is the funny thing. I think I FORGOT he plays guitar.
I mean I wasn't thinking of that skill and talent and the fact I have heard him play AT ALL when we reconnected after years. It was not even in my mind- it was the talking to each other; the chemistry; the visceral attraction from years ago he ignited with gusto

and the absolute alchemy of that when we got together

and I never saw his twitter- but i suppose since looked at his other social media - or if saw it , maybe did years ago... but have not thought of it at all

and then it popped up on my twitter feed last night and I saw some old reels

and was fucking blown away by the incredible beauty of a classical guitar piece he recorded years ago.

I mean it is just gorgeous.
he is just a brilliant photographer
truly gifted

I know everyone takes photos now...
but some of us used to use old school cameras and have an artistic eye.

I mean I used to years ago...

He captures beauty. He creates beauty. He emanates beauty. In this deeply soulful and weirdly sad way somehow.. there is a depth of wisdom and sadness there which I see somehow. He has always been a peaceful person - just exudes peace
although he spoke to me about a few moment of handling his anger. It was a challenge for him ...
in relation to some family

as is for many of us.

OK Off to bed. I just loved seeing that meme he posted on twitter- again unexpected. It popped up.

I think I AM Going to stay off social media. I swear if I don't I will obsess over this man's beautiful content there. I would rather discover it like the layers of an onion- or a cabbage is a better analogy
NO both kinda bad analogies
something sweeter.... more pleasurable that you take in bit by bit,,,
I want to uncover his mysteries more slowly, more thoughtfully, more deliberately
not in a binge...

NO with this guy I think I want something real.

so that takes doing something differently than I have in the recent past. not being as distant
being more intentional in my communication
connecting more

but I think it is just a gut knowing thing... I think I DO.

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