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2021-10-25 - 5:52 a.m.

Up at 5AM scrolling pictures and poetry on Instagram after the dog woke me around 4AM and I had trouble falling back asleep.
My ankle was throbbing so I iced it-
well more like a bit of pain shooting up through the knee to thigh. Feel like some inflammation in the ankle AND the knee
Probably did something weird in walking to favor it? Then hurt the knee?

hard for me to tell...
but the ankle is worse than had been

Its been healing

I thought swimming would be lower impact and good cardio

and tried not to overdo it when I got my butt out of bed and to the pool early both Thu and Friday.

Oh hot guy working at the pool was there on Thu and NOT AT ALL flirtatious this time which I think is a sign of character as I noticed he has a new ring on his left finger! Good for him! I had heard he had a lady friend- so now is remarried and a distinct difference in his exuding his sensuality and leveraging that handsomeness by flirting...

but also he had a mask on

of course
and it is his smile which is his best asset that he yielded with danger

I mean one coworker of his told me of her mad crush

It was fun to dish with her ( this goes back a few years). A lady I know that also works there.

I did like however that he WAS NOT flirtatious. He typically is chatty with me and super friendly and I never knew if he was flirting or not; but the distinct difference a few years later-

only then when there is a DIFFERENCE do I catch on to a man flirting...

I mean My brain doesn't always pick it up in the moment. Its like many male brains assume any friendliness from a woman; any interest at all must mean the woman is INTERESTED LOL This is a real problem for my bestie... who is friendly all the time.

I tend to have the opposite problem that when a guy is friendly I DO NOT assume it means anything more than the guy is a friendly person!

except sometimes But when I pick up the radar it is from the guys who are on the prowl.. lol NOT interested in me in the particular but hunting. I can smell them a mile away!! LOL

There is one that recently started coming to church. YES I think he literally is there hoping to meet a woman. Not a bad tactic... LOL

But I am just watching and predicting that he is going to ask out a lady... or two...

Just will wait and see.

Actually a nice guy. I shouldn't assume... but it does look like that to me.

OMG I am just rambling. Cause I try to write of my own stuff and not my kids. They want their very quiet normal worlds kept private. LOL
Not much going on really-

But nonetheless...I am proud of them ; yes all of them. I have pretty awesome kids.

And will just leave it at that. But today is a big day I believe for one.

Just leaving it at that... but I am excited for my kid.

And thus had trouble falling asleep made the mistake ( YES I should have just laid and tried to sleep and likely WOULD have fallen asleep) OF checking my phone.

And saw an UNSENT message... LOL This guy has a habit of sending me a msg; but if I am not there to chat he unsends it....
funny little habit and not sure if he knows my phone shows every message sent; the time and then the time UNSENT.

No matter.... the thought alone that he hoped to chat with me was enough to make me happy.

I also expected such--- but I wanted a good night sleep and when I am ready to go to bed shut off all electronics and go to sleep. Just nice to know he thought of me. Can catch up with him when I am NOT tired.

I found the swimming made me really exhausted and ready for bed early on Thu and Fri. That early getting into an exercise routine where it is tiring. It does invigorate and help my focus and functioning during the morning after a good run or swim. But then I notice I NEED A NAP !! YeS just get tired mid day- ( at first) and i need to go to bed earlier (at first!) UNTIL my body is used to the regular exercise.

So this week I plan to swim a few times and get into the routine..

The only concern is that I thought swimming would not be much of a stress on my ankle and it did seem to exasperate it.

So this week I will schedule some Dr. Appointments. I have a few that have been on my TO DO
Podiatrist- just a good idea...
My regular Dr didn't need to see me til Jan. Taking Vitamin D and iron and all good.

(That is actually the only things I have been taking for the past year.)

And I need to find a new OB/GYN for my particular women's health. Beyond childbearing years but it is a good idea to have a specialist for ongoing care even after those days are done.

The Dr. That delivered all my kids here in VA has retired. He sent out a letter in April that due to a chronic medical condition he was retiring. It was not covid-

I never made it into the office which I wish I did- just to drop off some flowers and a card for his whole office staff. He had a small office, but the same two ladies- one his nurse and one his receptionist; office admin who were fantastic.

Heck I am very fond of my Dr. He was really so fantastic as a care provider, and just a great person so that was a mess up on my part to not express gratitude.

I hope all is well for him.
He wrote in the letter NOT COVID related,, but bummer he has some health concern. HE is about my age. Not old. So that is a bit of a surprise.

I do know ( from his FB!) That he has a house in the Caribbean and he and his wife and kids have spent times there. I think he is going to retire down there while healing or living with whatever it is.
St Thomas I think? Something like that.

He is just an awesome guy so hope he enjoys his retirement.
He has raised a couple kids and delivered hundreds of babies and cares for hundreds of women capably over a thirty year career.
A couple other medical calls to schedule for kids.
Glad they are all OPEN to self care; including therapy! That is a huge plus I believe and I am glad the two living with me are game to give it a try.

The naysayers I could not convince ( brought both and tried... one not opposed by did not like the therapist I had brought her to; The other was the strong resistor/saboteur of anything called "therapy" as if the word alone is the most trauma inducing trigger for him.)

The one went off to college and found their own counselor as a support; did follow up with their own self care- and sees Drs. and takes care of her own mental health.

The other off at college is in denial that anyone could help him. Stubborn as a bull and resistant to trust of even Doctors which is hard to watch. But he can figure his shit out in time as unless someone WANTS your support and help you really can't do much but love the person through their shit. If they want to navigate alone you can just be present when they will let you be I suppose.

That to me is a very different thing than enabling. I mean enabling is when you give the person the rope to hang themselves with etc.... the tools by which they self harm.

But I don't see NOT taking responsibility for other people's stuff as enabling them.

This kid however cracks me up. He tells me my style of parenting is "negligent" ! REALLY?

Sure I am late to pick up the high school student from band practice ending at times cause I am working and lose track of time--
but considering that is a child WITHOUT a chronic illness who can participate in marching band... and the school is a .9 mile walk from home; the ride is a LUXURY and NOT a parental obligation.

NO walk your ass home if you want; or wait the 30 min if I run late...
which is not ALL the time. 9 times out of 10 I am willing to give a ride and am on time.

So once in a while I run late.

My kid was pissed at me this happened this week. It was Thu or Fri... I think Friday. I had needed that afternoon rest after the morning swim! I was up early, swam hard, rocked the morning ( YES The exercise helps my focus!) but then hit a wave of tired so napped. THEN got up to finish up my work. I think she was done at 6pm wanting a ride... and I was done with work at 6:30

Not aware of the time.
True forgot about her until stopped working.

I don't see this as negligent. Just a typical ADHD trait of being focused on what one is working on to the exclusion of everything else. I see it as forgivable. But then again I grew up always waiting for a ride so it was NORMAL for me. I mean I would finish something I stayed after school that ended at 4pm and knew eventually someone would notice I was not home and come get me. I mean this predated cell phone days. It was just understood if Dad came home from work and mom came home and they were getting dinner ready and called everyone to the table that if I wasn't there THEN Someone would think of me and drive to my school ( about 40 minutes away, a private all girls Catholic High school) where I would been there hanging outside.

I mean, there was one other girl always hanging around waiting for someone to be able to come get her as well. She lived even FURTHER and her Dad was a cab driver and would come get her when he could.
It was just understood by her he worked and would fit her in when he could. Neither she nor I thought it ODD or strange in any way that we were not our parents #1 priority
and that their wrorking to pay the bills came first.

I just don't get it-
this thinking htere is any misalignment of priorities when work comes before kids SOMETIMES.

I GET IT when that is not out of necessity or ALL THE TIME.

But It is so strange to me for my one kid to this weekend, before off to college after being here a week to have said
:You didn't raise me



and to tell me my parenting style was negligence


I feel like this kid is STILL being brainwashed... or the brainwashing was never undone.


Just sad.

Seems to have no memory that for YEARS I was home with this child ( but too young to recall) and then it was EVERY OTHER WEEK for a few years... until his father who kept attacking me won that battle and had custody ( for a few years) until the kids eventually all wanted to live here.

But this kid acts like I was not in their lives.
It is so very bizarre to me when someone believes a constructed reality.

I pulled out the photo album and just handed it to the kid and said-
"That is BS. Here take a look"

and I left it at that in response to "negligent parenting" being my style.

Its just amazing to me that when kids grow up with an authoritarian parent such as their Dad that any thing LESS is NOT respected.

that is not actually true. It is not the authoritarian parenting
it is the ABUSE..

That is scary part...

When raised with ABUSE anything less does not seem trustworthy. NORMAL authoritarian parenting is in fact shown to be the most EFFECTIVE parenting! You hear all the time of the kids with strict parents respecting self and others with good sense of boundaries.
That was not the parenting these kids saw.

They call me negligent ( thinking I had NO Rules. NOT TRUE... I did for most of their years. Only in RECENT years when late teens did I give up on shutting down the router at night!! which I AGREE was a MISTAKE!!! Wish I never did that. Heck I did the normal parent things... confiscate cell phones.... etc... Typical PARENTNG of setting limits, boundaries and expectations)

So they call me negligent in style - laise faire is more like it and there IS A DIFFERENCE. There are many things I did not hold their hands through but it is deliberate for them to develop independence. I don't coddle by doing kids homework as one example.

But they also call their Dad abusive and say his style of parenting was to just rage and instill fear. So they call me negligent and him abusive.

I think that is the REALITY that he was abusive. And I think for this one child of mine it is the reality that for him the abusive parenting resonates as more familiar and more NORMAL to this kid than gentle parenting.
I think that is the reality for this kid.
And it is a sad one.
It takes WORK tp dismantle dysfunctional norms but that can only happen if you KNOW They are not serving anyone well! That can only happen if you KNOW that your family norms are not healthy! That can only happen if you don't believe those models work!
I do think therapy can help...
but this kid is opposed to that. God help them if my kid who thinks like this ever has kids.

But I also think therapy is not the only way.
I think being around people that have navigated the world differently and model and show one a different way can ALSO be enough to change folks.

Sometimes that is enough.

SO I think who my kid choose to surround self with matters and is his hope for his future,.

I don't stress it as have done my best..

Heck I said was not going to write about my kids but did. BUT I AM writing about MY LIFE

nothing personal about them that would identify them!!

In any case I am pleased the two remaining live with me DO trust therapy to give it a go ( again ).

One lost their therapist as forgot to log into a couple zoom appointments. You snooze you lose.
Oh but they did find another.. I forgot that... but the new one is in DC so now that things are in person rather than remote that is bit of a haul, so after navigating their health care themself ( wanting to adult) They have given me the go ahead to try to find a decent therapist insurance takes closer to home for psychotherapy if we can find one. That was hard during the pandemic! They were in demand. Miss appointments get dropped!
I think important life lesson.
I think they get it now and this time around will value the person's time and take it more seriously to make effort to get to appointments. When I was driving to and from appointments it was easier for them to get to each one as I reminded them. When it shifted to zoom they were trying to manage thri own appointments but that did not work out that well.
7AM now... sun rising and birds singing.

Quick nap as NOW I am tired again!! Then up in an hour to get kids off to school and kill this day!

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