2021-10-27 - 8:42 a.m.

This is an interesting article as it shows how social mores have actually changed.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/huma-abedin-says-senator-sexually-assaulted-her-after-d-c-dinner/ar-AAPZ5wt?ocid=msedgntp

I would not actually consider an unwanted first kiss an assault in context of a woman having enjoyed dinner then gone back to a man's apt. and sitting with him on his couch. I mean that is kinda intimate setting, and not that she should EXPECT a man to go in for the kiss if there was not MUTUAL body language-
but that if a guy is NOT good at understanding how to read signals and misread...
I mean misread friendly behavior as interest...
it doesn't seem like an assault to me.

YET ANY UNWANTED TOUCHING is an actual physical assault SO Of course IT IS.

But the nuances are what would make it so. The Physical interaction itself of choosing to go into a man's private space and sit next to him are all communication itself. NOT through words. and not if that physical non verbal communication was not saying KISS Me-

but there is undoubtedly non verbal communication! WAS her communication clearly indicating "Don't kiss me?"

There is undoubtedly non verbal communication that DOES say kiss me, and some non verbal which would be clear in giving the opposite message! But then there is the ambiguous.

And it is just a challenge for some men and women at not knowing how to read non verbal communication. If it is not CRYSTAL CLEAR someone wants to kiss or touch you- a good rule is to not make an attempt!

I would consider him not pulling away after the push back- and indicating that there is no interest in such physical contact and FURTHER trying to touch an assault.

But not the initial first kiss when he misread the non-verbal then pulled away with a heartfelt apology and stated he misunderstood.

A kiss is either wanted or NOT WANTED. The thing is - if it was welcomed there would have been nothing wrong with his interaction.

That is what is confusing to some.

There are some not good at understanding signals of non verbal body language.

This could likely have been ANY OF A NUMBER of senators!! I imagine a whole bunch of them in their aging years trying to recall if they ever met this particular woman.

It reminds me of my first date ever when the guy went in for a kiss- much like this

And it was just GROSS, SURPISING and my reaction was like "What the hell are you doing?"
as he came at me in a movie theater
all tongue

like a lizard
but not cute ( lizards can be cute)
and I was not at all interested and confused by his behavior at the time
and was shocked
like

Isn't a kiss supposed to be NICE and not this AWFUL kind of bizarre...

I didn't know what.

I don't think it struck me as violated
but It struck me as shocking and weird.

I didn't consider it a violation of me personally

I just saw his absolute crushed rejection after and that he was tremendously embarrassed ( moreso than me I believe. I was just CONFUSED moreso than anything!)
He could barely look at me and I could tell in his mortification wished he could just disappear.

But this is a great article as it is useful as a teaching tool. I have had conversations with an older man residing at the assisted living place about how he can't try to flirt with women the way he used to. I had to explain the current social mores-

that women have had ENOUGH of men's presumptions it is flattering to approach.

That he has to be CAREFUL in how he speaks and makes an overture so as to not be sexually harassing women.

He was teachable. He listened. He genuinely I think wanted to understand.

There were a few conversations I have had with him, as one was a good few years ago...
and he remembered it and in some context mentioned it

and actually thanked me. As he has been navigating the world after death of his wife with trying to at times enjoy the company of a woman!

I felt like my coaching him helped him grow and he was definitely receptive to learning.

oh yeah It was in context of ANDREW CUOMO'S past that the recent conversation was had.

I think I will show him this article and advise

JUST BE respectful in making intentions really crystal clear in a REQUEST

YES be direct

It is not assault if a man says "I am really attracted to you and would like to kiss you. Would that be OK?'

JUST USE VERBAL Language and don't rely on the non verbal which is much harder to know is understood.

None of this "Will you come back to my apartment for a drink" if you mean
" I would love to have sex with you."

Just ask - direct ; clear.

I remember having mad respect for the first college boy that directly said he wanted to sleep with me. I said NO but had great respect for his honesty and not wasting my or his time if that was not part of what I wanted in a relationship. He wanted it ALL.

If a man were to do that, just be honest and direct, and the woman says no and he accepts a no graciously I don't think anyone would call it sexual assault if it is in a SOCIAL CONTEXT.

And if it is a business relationship and in ANY OTHER PROFESSIONAL or just interaction ( like a transaction- say you are at a store buying your milk and handing over the money) IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT AN APPROPRIATE Time or PLACE

I mean the question IS SEXUAL harassment if in the context of a WORK Place ; If there is any POWER DYNAMIC in the context of a TRANSACTION

I mean you don't ask out of the blue without a relationship of at least friendship and some sort of personal connection having been there.

CONTEXT
and RELATIONSHIP of the person matter

Stranger?

JUST NO

co worker ?

Just no UNLESS you asked the person on a DATE and then are in a private setting and have the conversation. I mean context MATTERS

I don't think anyone considers it inappropriate to have desire and articulate it respectfully.

It is the disrespect of when there is no mutual interest, and no communication non verbal or verbal when it becomes a problem

AND WHEN THERE IS RUDENESS or OBJECTIFYING in the delivery of the overture

But this is complicated.

Because it is they mystery that for some unknown reason there are times even the rude delivery
the inappropriate setting
context
power dynamic
AWFUL manner of a message

EVEN Sometimes objectifying
sexualizing a person as an object of desire

Is then WELCOMED and RESPONDED to favorably!

So no wonder there is confusion.

People do sometimes give mixed signals, are not clear. And what was OK with one person would be assault with another.

I think I will show the guy at the retirement community who did need some coaching to learn to be acceptable in that community this article. To his credit he never defended his bahavior when he WAS inappropriate- he just apologized and modified his behavior.

Sometimes old dogs CAN learn new tricks.
I hope....

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