2021-11-12 - 5:38 a.m.
Yesterday was the weirdest day.
They are preparing for a urine test to identify a Mast Cell Activation Syndrome as went to an outstanding Dr. who further recognized symptoms of a particular cause of that in them.
For the urine test my kid had to stop all antihistamines. Which do make one hypersensitive.
But I think the hyperagression in response to that is just over the top not normal.
The kid was NOT suppose to stop psychiatry meds that help with ADHD and mood stabilization-
DAMN I notice a big difference from those.
The kid freaked out over the smallest thing.
The thing is this was an explosive episode without much trigger. It was just so WEIRD
I mean it reminded me of the explosive episodes of their Dad years ago over nothing....
I mean equally intense and scary to watch someone lose it in rage.
I am not sure what triggered a conversation - oh yeah I was LATE picking up kid from school
BECUASE I WAS WORKING
so finished a task and got there 15 min later than hoped.
I mean this should not be a crisis. My privileged kids who are getting a ride from school that is less than a mile away who COULD WALK HOME every day.
But the two of them went off on me about how I am a shitty parent. They basically told me both their Dad and I are awful parents.
I asked what constitutes a GOOD parents and didn't get great clarity of response.
Its like two teenage brains in full teenage angst mode exasperate and expand their negativity in to this crazy skewed sense of non reality
I mean sure I run late
SO weird their perspective that we should not have had kids
OUT OF LOVE for each other and wanting to express that love and be open to the creative power of that love and what it could manifest together
That is how I look at having children as this beautiful creative gift of God
A blessing that is manifested out of LOVE and this mysterious alchemy of two people creating something bigger and separate and distinct from themselves-
YES literally from themselves and of giving all of self
These kids seems to assume most parents want to create an extension of self in some narcissistic way and are awful parents in trying to mold their kids in THEIR parental image...
The worst sin in their minds....
I get that much out of them about their view of bad parenting.
it was a teenage brain conversation and hard to follow frankly
This as we are in a line at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for one of my kids.
I mean it was fucked up that they would be going off on me at all like that. ( To clarify we were in the drive through picking up at the drive through window, this was not a full public shaming of me!)
Next, once home as I was cooking, the one went off on my awful parenting saying I never did protect them- in particular this kid themself from harm from being hurt by their OTHER sibling
who my kid is saying "Tried to kill me"
The other sibling was saying " That never happened"
The sibling and I were correcting the reality trying to let my kid know their memory was wrong... and NO it is not correct I did not protect EACH Of these kids in our family from abuse and possible harm-
as I did. True and SAD and AWFUL That they ALL were exposed to violence from their Dad
But then again they were KIDS Then and were emulating what they saw in moments of meltdowns
It is just so fucking hard to teach and train and overcome abuse.
I try to set an example of temperance and calm and forgiveness and skills of emotional control and respect
and its so dang hard with kids ( now grown or almost grown) who have so much ANGER
WHO I CAN"T EVEN FIND A FUCKING AVAILBALE THERAPIST FOR To take them to
"NOT ACCEPTING PATIENTS"
oh and that was cause that one did not want "therapy"... ( just psychiatric care,,,, but I was trying to find BOTH)
BUT I DIGRESS,,,
one has private pay psychiatrist and the other is doing alright...( but I will bring her to that same Dr. If can not find a therapist and dr in one practice to see her as she definitely has depression symptoms it makes sense to treat as they are not disappearing... but first this kid is going for the work up to test for POTS which she may have along with the other siblings... showings signs of it too unfortunately. HELL That alone is depressing When don't have energy dye to physical illness... )
But the one with the long term psychiatric care who was at her psychiatrist JUST TWO WEEKS AGO actually - and has new meds.... which I am rather sure DOES HELP
But the past few days this child of mine has NOT BEEN STABLE.
I get it it is a necessary thing for the urine test but the stubborn 19 yr old stopped ALL MEDS
and did not LISTEN that could have taken the psych meds...
The kid does not think the Abilify does anything
and is an antipsychotic
and I think the ranting of the other sibling ( off to college) having tried to kill them over years and me doing NOTHING about it ...
and unwillingness to believe me or the other sibling that that was a perception that is not aligned with our experiences
was not listened to
There was no openness to the thought they were possibly just not feeling well and not perceiving things from a healthy perspective.
DANG I wonder if my kid took the new prescription for a week only and then stopped and this made it worse:?Withdrawal?
this is my 19 yr old who has been managing their health care WELL for past year or so!!
I mean what the hell just happened the past couple days?
They were rude when a friend helped me pick up a new fridge .
I found one second hand and my friend from church had her husband help me. My kid was rude.. and sensitive ... that was another kid drama moment we kinda just ignored in the moment.
But I have no idea if this will just pass once taking all meds OR
if sign of larger underlying mental illness issue.
I was cooking dinner and served my kid. It was too spicy
The older one RAGED at me having smoked up with some carmelized onions and steam and the discomfort of spices - something irritating allergy
and went off on my using hot rice rather than cold in fried rice
I mean it was insane
It was nuts
It was so crazy
kinda like the rage episodes their DAD had years ago.
This is mental illness.
Plain and simple
But not sure WTF it is...
I mean schizophrenia without full break of delusions?? I mean no obvius
nothing so CLEAR as to warrant that diagnosis
It is NOT simple depression
OR COULD IT BE?
The unbridled rage
I am just tired.
I can't help my kids sometimes.
BUT I can help myself.
I happened to THEN get a text- this is 6:15 pm after the raging kid goes up to room.
" Are you joining zoom"
and realized my coaching session I THOUGHT Was at 7pm was supposed to be at 6pm.
I SCREWED UP AGAIN
I did log in ; went to the basement and had my session.
I told my coach I just needed meditation.
Then I noodled on the organ ( set to piano) for a bit and I sang
Heck no one was in the living room for a rare change and therefore I had ACCESS to that.
I then started cleaning.
I WAS TIRED
So I did what works for me
I texted my lover
a hilarious text actually-
This is so funny and it was absolutely the LAUGH I NEEDED
Had I not even gotten a response the laughter was the best medicine
I texted my lover a DICK PIC which I "decorated" with coloring and hilarious emojis
I mean I dolled it up absolutely hilarious
and for ME TO SEND IT
Well it was just too freaking funny....
hell my art work was awful but HILARIOuS
was SURE it would be effective communication and it gave me the extra MOTIVATION I NEEDED TO CLEAN THE DAMN HOUSE for me and these kids after they had been super challenging today
I WANTED To just ESCAPE but instead did what I needed to dig into my responsibilities!!
( remember me mentioning if my house is spotless SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG!! I CLEAN WHEN DON'T know what else to do)
So I had cleaned the heck out of my house
and when my lover was off work he came over and was greeted by me in the Halloween pirate outfit
Yeah one of those ridiculously mysogonisic Halloween oversexualized costumes
but when I saw the "WENCH" Costume I had to buy it for the fun of it.
REALLy it was Advertised as such for the female pirate
Just awful and insane....
The thing is I had been trying on a pirate hat with the accessories an aisle over and they looked dumb. I had already decided I would be a pirate for Halloween
of course the only one left on the shelf
We were there specifically for an eye patch for my older teen here needed one for THIER costume... ( some character- not a pirate - forget the name and kid did not have energy to finish making the costume on time OR energy to go to the parade with us... they will finish it for cos play...)
as kids are going to party city to buy costumes for their kids. I found the name of it so dang ridiculously stupid
And subverted its misogony
It was a feeling of powerful feminism
and my lover and I had lots of laughs and a pirate party
as I snuck him into my basement ( not really. Bellatrix made his presence known rather quickly. I had already forewarned my kids that I did meet a man I intended to have over on occasion so they would not be surprised.)
Ah so it was a very odd day.
A low then a high.
I needed that ....
I mean I needed someone to hold someone to appreciate me.
I so love the time I spend with him.
well I love the way we kiss. I love that he enjoys kissing for a long time.
The kiss is everything.
Like nothing else really matters in those moments. The in-between is wonderful; connecting; affirming; joyful; fun; sexy....
And then the last thing as we say goodby; the sweetness of that farewell kiss just before he walks out my door until next time. And now I am crying. YES quietly crying, snot running down face but it is coming out finally- not a loud ugly crier the quite ugly cry just tears falling softly a welcome release as sometimes just need to cry and so rarely does that happen for me so rarely I suppose do I allow myself to let go. The letting go in trust with a lover is helpful. Now I can actually cry when need to... if only a little and then look out the window to see that the tree had morphed into a brilliant red from the golden tones it has been.
Update. Pricing Heat Pumps - 2022-04-22
PRESENCE in my Priority - 2022-04-20
Spring Cleaning Time - 2022-04-18
This too shall pass - 2022-04-15
Appalachia Woes Just came across this Podcast today. Kinda random But did see Hillbilly Eulogy some months ago - 2022-04-12