2021-11-12 - 5:38 a.m.

Yesterday was the weirdest day.
My kid had a complete meltdown.
I am honestly worried about their mental health.

They are preparing for a urine test to identify a Mast Cell Activation Syndrome as went to an outstanding Dr. who further recognized symptoms of a particular cause of that in them.
But a urine test is needed; and a skin biopsy to identify the odd cells that cause a skin rash.

For the urine test my kid had to stop all antihistamines. Which do make one hypersensitive.

But I think the hyperagression in response to that is just over the top not normal.

The kid was NOT suppose to stop psychiatry meds that help with ADHD and mood stabilization-
but actually did not take them as well.

DAMN I notice a big difference from those.

The kid freaked out over the smallest thing.

The thing is this was an explosive episode without much trigger. It was just so WEIRD

I mean it reminded me of the explosive episodes of their Dad years ago over nothing....

I mean equally intense and scary to watch someone lose it in rage.

I am not sure what triggered a conversation - oh yeah I was LATE picking up kid from school

BECUASE I WAS WORKING

so finished a task and got there 15 min later than hoped.

I mean this should not be a crisis. My privileged kids who are getting a ride from school that is less than a mile away who COULD WALK HOME every day.

But the two of them went off on me about how I am a shitty parent. They basically told me both their Dad and I are awful parents.

I asked what constitutes a GOOD parents and didn't get great clarity of response.

Its like two teenage brains in full teenage angst mode exasperate and expand their negativity in to this crazy skewed sense of non reality

I mean sure I run late
But they act like there is no consideration or care or concern for them as individuals

SO weird their perspective that we should not have had kids

OUT OF LOVE for each other and wanting to express that love and be open to the creative power of that love and what it could manifest together

That is how I look at having children as this beautiful creative gift of God

A blessing that is manifested out of LOVE and this mysterious alchemy of two people creating something bigger and separate and distinct from themselves-

YES literally from themselves and of giving all of self
but no self
NO

These kids seems to assume most parents want to create an extension of self in some narcissistic way and are awful parents in trying to mold their kids in THEIR parental image...

The worst sin in their minds....
of selfish parenting trying to make a kid what the parents want the kid to be,

I get that much out of them about their view of bad parenting.

it was a teenage brain conversation and hard to follow frankly

This as we are in a line at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for one of my kids.

I mean it was fucked up that they would be going off on me at all like that. ( To clarify we were in the drive through picking up at the drive through window, this was not a full public shaming of me!)

Next, once home as I was cooking, the one went off on my awful parenting saying I never did protect them- in particular this kid themself from harm from being hurt by their OTHER sibling

who my kid is saying "Tried to kill me"

WTF??

The other sibling was saying " That never happened"

The sibling and I were correcting the reality trying to let my kid know their memory was wrong... and NO it is not correct I did not protect EACH Of these kids in our family from abuse and possible harm-

as I did. True and SAD and AWFUL That they ALL were exposed to violence from their Dad

YES True
And TRUE they then also WERE Exposed to moments of violence and abuse from EACH OTHER

But then again they were KIDS Then and were emulating what they saw in moments of meltdowns
and I DID PROTECT And try to intervene and separate and get mental health care FOR EACH of them who resorted to that playing out of emulating behavior witnessed

It is just so fucking hard to teach and train and overcome abuse.

I try to set an example of temperance and calm and forgiveness and skills of emotional control and respect

and its so dang hard with kids ( now grown or almost grown) who have so much ANGER
and Lack of executive functioning skills and
mental health issues

WHO I CAN"T EVEN FIND A FUCKING AVAILBALE THERAPIST FOR To take them to
as these two ARE WILLING;....

well one freaked out mad I tried to make an appt
but that was after asking me to...
and the email came back

"NOT ACCEPTING PATIENTS"

oh and that was cause that one did not want "therapy"... ( just psychiatric care,,,, but I was trying to find BOTH)

BUT I DIGRESS,,,

one has private pay psychiatrist and the other is doing alright...( but I will bring her to that same Dr. If can not find a therapist and dr in one practice to see her as she definitely has depression symptoms it makes sense to treat as they are not disappearing... but first this kid is going for the work up to test for POTS which she may have along with the other siblings... showings signs of it too unfortunately. HELL That alone is depressing When don't have energy dye to physical illness... )

But the one with the long term psychiatric care who was at her psychiatrist JUST TWO WEEKS AGO actually - and has new meds.... which I am rather sure DOES HELP
is the one I am worried about....

I hope after this urine test and back on ALL meds this kid is stable.

But the past few days this child of mine has NOT BEEN STABLE.

I get it it is a necessary thing for the urine test but the stubborn 19 yr old stopped ALL MEDS

and did not LISTEN that could have taken the psych meds...

SHEESH

The kid does not think the Abilify does anything

IT fucking stabilizes mood

and is an antipsychotic

and I think the ranting of the other sibling ( off to college) having tried to kill them over years and me doing NOTHING about it ...
which is just not true

and unwillingness to believe me or the other sibling that that was a perception that is not aligned with our experiences

so maybe they are feeling off....

was not listened to

There was no openness to the thought they were possibly just not feeling well and not perceiving things from a healthy perspective.

DANG I wonder if my kid took the new prescription for a week only and then stopped and this made it worse:?Withdrawal?

this is my 19 yr old who has been managing their health care WELL for past year or so!!

I mean what the hell just happened the past couple days?

They were rude when a friend helped me pick up a new fridge .

I found one second hand and my friend from church had her husband help me. My kid was rude.. and sensitive ... that was another kid drama moment we kinda just ignored in the moment.

But I have no idea if this will just pass once taking all meds OR

if sign of larger underlying mental illness issue.

PRAYERS

Basically after getting home from the session of attacking my parenting, then going off further

I was cooking dinner and served my kid. It was too spicy
I made a 2nd batch of fried rice ( without the spice to mix in with the other- the first had shrimp and the kid who retreated in hiding of safe place in room upstairs doesn't like that anyway)
So I made the 2nd batch

The older one RAGED at me having smoked up with some carmelized onions and steam and the discomfort of spices - something irritating allergy

and went off on my using hot rice rather than cold in fried rice

I mean it was insane

a rage-
THEN comes in and as I am scooping food out of a hot pan into a glass Pyrex
GRAPPED the dish and THREW it iN THE TRASH

It was nuts

It was so crazy

kinda like the rage episodes their DAD had years ago.

ODDLY familiar

WTF

This is mental illness.

Plain and simple

But not sure WTF it is...

I mean schizophrenia without full break of delusions?? I mean no obvius

nothing so CLEAR as to warrant that diagnosis

BI POLAR?

WTF??

It is NOT simple depression

OR COULD IT BE?

The unbridled rage

I am just tired.

SO I did what any reasonable person would do ( once know their kids are safe- and they were both in rooms by then).

SELF CARE

I can't help my kids sometimes.

BUT I can help myself.

I happened to THEN get a text- this is 6:15 pm after the raging kid goes up to room.

" Are you joining zoom"

and realized my coaching session I THOUGHT Was at 7pm was supposed to be at 6pm.
DANG

I SCREWED UP AGAIN
with the time thing
my ADHD ,...

I did log in ; went to the basement and had my session.

I told my coach I just needed meditation.

Then I noodled on the organ ( set to piano) for a bit and I sang

Heck no one was in the living room for a rare change and therefore I had ACCESS to that.

I then started cleaning.

I WAS TIRED
I FELT UPSET
I REFUSED TO FEEL DEFEATED

So I did what works for me

I texted my lover

a hilarious text actually-

This is so funny and it was absolutely the LAUGH I NEEDED

Had I not even gotten a response the laughter was the best medicine

I texted my lover a DICK PIC which I "decorated" with coloring and hilarious emojis

I mean I dolled it up absolutely hilarious

I KNEW it would be welcomed
but the subversion of using that in a playful fun way

and for ME TO SEND IT

Well it was just too freaking funny....

I MEAN It was mocking... and funny and also strangely sexy and brilliant al at the same time..,

hell my art work was awful but HILARIOuS

and he was like Heck you want me to come over?? after he saw it when off work an hour or so later....
I didn't know WHEN HE Would see it.

was SURE it would be effective communication and it gave me the extra MOTIVATION I NEEDED TO CLEAN THE DAMN HOUSE for me and these kids after they had been super challenging today

I WANTED To just ESCAPE but instead did what I needed to dig into my responsibilities!!
The house is in great shape

( remember me mentioning if my house is spotless SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG!! I CLEAN WHEN DON'T know what else to do)
And I was so HAPPY that was the response I got!!!

So I had cleaned the heck out of my house

and when my lover was off work he came over and was greeted by me in the Halloween pirate outfit

Yeah one of those ridiculously mysogonisic Halloween oversexualized costumes

just ludicrous

but when I saw the "WENCH" Costume I had to buy it for the fun of it.

REALLy it was Advertised as such for the female pirate

Just awful and insane....

The thing is I had been trying on a pirate hat with the accessories an aisle over and they looked dumb. I had already decided I would be a pirate for Halloween
so when then turned a corner and saw THAT IT WAS JUST HILARIOUS TO ME

of course the only one left on the shelf
cause of the crazy marketing-
I mean WHO is going to buy what is actually a cute headband with pirate hat and a pretty choker and pretty eye patch WITH THAT NAME on the accessory as they are shopping with their KIDS???

We were there specifically for an eye patch for my older teen here needed one for THIER costume... ( some character- not a pirate - forget the name and kid did not have energy to finish making the costume on time OR energy to go to the parade with us... they will finish it for cos play...)

as kids are going to party city to buy costumes for their kids. I found the name of it so dang ridiculously stupid

And subverted its misogony

It was a feeling of powerful feminism
to put on the sexy wench outfit and put on -- this was fun and also over the top

PIRATE MUSIC

and my lover and I had lots of laughs and a pirate party

as I snuck him into my basement ( not really. Bellatrix made his presence known rather quickly. I had already forewarned my kids that I did meet a man I intended to have over on occasion so they would not be surprised.)

Ah so it was a very odd day.

A low then a high.

I needed that ....
The moments with this beautiful man helped me feel balanced.

I mean I needed someone to hold someone to appreciate me.

I so love the time I spend with him.
He is sensitive and

well I love the way we kiss. I love that he enjoys kissing for a long time.

The kiss is everything.

Soul felt

Soul connecting

Just marvelous

Like nothing else really matters in those moments. The in-between is wonderful; connecting; affirming; joyful; fun; sexy....

And then the last thing as we say goodby; the sweetness of that farewell kiss just before he walks out my door until next time. And now I am crying. YES quietly crying, snot running down face but it is coming out finally- not a loud ugly crier the quite ugly cry just tears falling softly a welcome release as sometimes just need to cry and so rarely does that happen for me so rarely I suppose do I allow myself to let go. The letting go in trust with a lover is helpful. Now I can actually cry when need to... if only a little and then look out the window to see that the tree had morphed into a brilliant red from the golden tones it has been.

�

�