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2021-11-13 - 3:11 a.m.

OK in a hilarious but also disturbing twist; because of the absolutely fun silliness I had with my lover-
by sending that one ridiculous picture which I used a social media platform to send

I today noticed a few, let me call them "ladies of the night" LOL
seeming profiles
"like" my TYPICAL Public posts.


YES HILARIOUS and distrubing the algorithms.

I mean one male membrane photo ONE among all my NORMAL CONTENT
and I immediately have algorithms and marketing targeting THAT ?

Obviously the algorithm got it wrong....
not a dude...
not looking for that kinda "purchase"

I just clicked "block"

But its as funny as the hot russian bots that I got TONS Of -

there was an uptick when I was considering entering the gov workspace in an actual fed job which also was rather funny to me ( a few years ago was funny- until realize those Russian bots are nothing to laugh at. Serious concern the infiltration... )

Cyberwars have been real for years peeps.

Many just were not paying attention.

Back to bed. I got up in the middle of the night to look up a beautiful spot that has a restaraunt surrounded by trees I have been wanting to go back to for YEARS.

It is on my bucket list.
I wish planned better as my oldest lives in the city it is near.

I had traveled there with my Buffalo guy and we had a lovely weekend but the one thing that happened was as I read the INCREDIBLE menu ( albeit limited menu) he looked at it and said "there is nothing I can eat here."

Meaning nothing his palate was familiar with and wanted to eat based on reading the unfamiliar descriptions.

I didn't push it.

He got annoyed when I did push such issues but then once settled in usually figured out the push was for good reason ( once he got over his ego).

But the thing is I figured then just to get over my ego and be happy to stop and have pizza and beer at the local bike joint
which WAS fun.
And I DID enjoy every moment of that...

but I KNEW I would someday come back to that tree surrounded space in the middle of nowhere. I KNEW I would DRIVE HOURS just to do dine at this hidden gem of a beautiful spot.

It was like a treasure for me to find this place where a couple lovingly grows food; sources some from local farms
a family run farm to table restaraunt created in the woods.

I mean I HAD to take note and be sure to go back SOMEDAY.

I hope it is this Fall while my oldest is here on this coast; in the city that is near.

I WISH I thought of this BEFORE the trees turned vibrant.

I thought of it when talking with my oldest Thu. I was inclined to drive there TODAY.

But not sure if the restaruant is open. I just sent an email. They do have a facebook page.

I am also selfishly for me; but HAPPY for them; bummed someone flagged this as one of the top 10 places in the US one must dine.

They have been discovered.
and YEAH they have been discovered.

There is that spot and the one local in VA I have not yet dined at.

I INTENDED on going there to celebrate my new job I love. I was going to take myself out on an artist date there for dinner and never did do that. It is hard to drop such money on self for me. Working on it!! I KNOW I should be able to go to a fine dining experience solo and not stress on spending that money on me as I am not frivolous with money and I just don't want to waste it going with anyone who won't really fully appreciate the experience.

I guess that is snobbish of me.

Same reason I go to theater solo
or really great live music solo

I mean I don't want anyone TALKING TO ME during those moments truth be told.

Dining should be different as it IS SOCIAL

But someone has to be WORTH IT

Last time I went to a fine restaurant and enjoyed a truly wonderful experience I brought my whole family for an Easter dinner and it was well worth it!! We heard the best live jazz.

Heck I still think about buying the portrait I found of that incredible jazz bass player. I just love that painting. I cherish the moment of walking into this little club in Herndon VA and unexpectedly being blown away when my girlfriend from work and I were getting ready to leave by the jazz band that started to play!!

She is one of my besties now. We walked at her local park all through Covid.
And he, the bass player I was transfixed watching as he is mad talented , yeah a local legend in his own right, did have a couple dates with.

He is a terrific guy ( albeit typical narcissists artist!! LOL Not relationship material for most!! LOL BUT A friend/acquaintance I would be happy to connect with over a drink once in a while to catch up and love going to hear play. Nice he is a friend. )

I wish he played live more often in this area actually. His thing now is Indian music fused with jazz; fusion stuff that is marvelous. Plays in California , NY elsewhere moreso than local and works on recording sessions supporting others music. Studio work; and some live stuff which he is so funny about as is not his fav but pays the bills yet is still kickin good for what it is! (Elevator jazz LOL I think he was embarrassed by it when he knew I like the complexity of fusion and the stuff he actually loves. It was funny.. yeah I am a jazz snob. And the biggest paycheck he received is definitely from an artist somewhat like Kenny G.. lol smooth jazz. He is so funny as he is intense and serious about EVERYTHING and so will only do those project til they find a player who WANTS to really work on them. LOL Its hilarious... he does them for the paycheck , short term but long enough to be OK supporting his Art. I think he has it down. There is enough work regularly with some of the same musicians he works with so he has a balance. No burning bridges but also not gigging or recording on other folk's stuff TOO MUCH so he can't write and work on his own music. YEA good boundaries.
He was awesome at assessing my life; meeting my family and then saying
" I am not going to be 'that guy' the one who enters a relationship for all he can ge tout of it then bails as doesn't want the responsibility"

OK so he is NOT a narcissist. Just very focused on his art so knows enough to put self first with healthy boundaries.
That healthy putting self first can be seen as narcissistic as it is SELF absorbed but it is not in a bad way
It is in a CHOICE way
which is what I so admired about him.
I always admire the brilliant who have disciple and focus to work with intensity and become expert and then create with such joy.

There is actual LOVE in that
its the alchemy of creation out of passion and dedication and YES LOVE
and that Creativity that is unblocked and just flows.

HECK that is what I WANT in my life!

That is what I want in MY Relationships.

That is it
the alchemy of a creative love.

I feel like every love is creative.
Some relationships manifest that love that burst forth through its alchemy by having children.

I realized ( as I was sleeping.. hours ago before I got up and then stayed up far too long in the middle of the night)..
that is what I want in a relationshio as that is what I have always had. I have never settled in my relationships. I have always had a parter with whom together we created somethign new and beautiful out of our love and our own chemistry and alchemy of coming together.

Children are the obvious manifestation
but when it was not children it was art
it was music
It was joy

Those relationships which I let go of

I let go of becauase they were not themselves a creative force

We together had not ignited that spark of creativity to burn and continue to burn so something new was birthed.

If there were embers and the other was willing to fan them to bring them aflame I would have stayed.

I left when the other said NO
or was unwilling.

For my Buffalo guy it was DEFinATELy the point at which he acted so offended at the THOUGTH Of possible considering of commitment when I was REALLY DONE.

I went to Buffalo when I wanted to spend time with my kids. I realized that was more of a draw to that city than seeing him which was a shift from recent years. I needed to also see if there was possibilty of that relatonship grwoing , burthing snaything ,,,,

But that Buffalo guy is happy and content where he is at and is not seeing growth. He is not seeking expansion of his world. That is OK
but I leave a relationship if one just wants me to eneter there world and is not willing to expand it.

I am OK giving up some of my world as I know it and vventuring into the unknown with a lover

BUT Only if he is as commited as me to birthing something new.
Whatever that may be.

YEAH that is it.

The clarity of it
Studies all show folks stay commmited if they have a shared interst; a shared project; a shared passion; be it kids or a business or a creative endeavor but SOMETHING outside of and other than themselves individually that they together share.
It is interesting to me.
Many divorce after kids grown due to that lack

Some do fine with each doing their own things
but in those cases I think the relationship is the FUEL and fans the flame of each's creativity so EACH can be creating their unique thing with a shared fuel of their love
their grounding
I have seen that.
I see that in the poet and musician who share a life and a dog together.

One needn't collaborate on the same creative endeavor.

For me however I HAVE to be creating I believe.

If not family and kids then I either have to be supporting my partner in creating or doing so myself.

I envision a partner in life where I can be blossoming my talents and they theirs. I mean whatever that talent may be.

OMG I was looking for something else I wanted to add here on the nature of true love

But this came up


I have had my children. I know can still have true love. Not done yet- as we can have true love more than once in life. Some true love births children

But all true love births some beautiful new creation. Even if the new creation; resulting from the alchemy is the shedding of skin and emerging a new you ( or the new other- the lover transformed). Sometimes there are true loves by which one person fully matures; ripens so to speak and then outgrows the love as emerges from its cocoon. There is always growth and birthing in some way.

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