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2021-11-22 - 9:11 a.m.

Good Morning! I got up, slept in just a tad bit more while planning my day; then overcame urge to be lazy
took the dog for a walk and made it to the pool.

See what happens when one is pushed into the position of having to level up and take self responsibility:

I came home in time to drive my kid to school

And the kid had walked.


Instead of her complaining I was not back early enjough for her desire

She took self responsibility.

I do think my oldest child is brilliant.
I feel like she did an intervention for her siblings by pulling the "I am disabled too" card and " I need mom" ask


Literally ALL my kids struggle.

Some push through and ask for help when needed

There are others who would prefer to act like do to disability they have such limited ability and need to overcome that mindset "I can't"

So where is the line between supporting a disabled person with exceptional challenges who at TIMES CAN'T FUNCTION
and where does enabling begin?

THat is the question

The answer lies in this:

Enabling begins first and foremost when one lies to THEMSELF to say and then sometimes even belive the "I Can't"

when the reality it-
they can but it is not easy and YES there is even a bit of pain along the way.

WE ALL have to learn to function and mitigate our pain
We do NOT have to live in constant pain
So we all have to learn self care, boundaries, how to say NO and how to ALSO

push though the reasonable amount of pain our systems CAN HANDLE to achieve goals that are going to then actually contribute to our mental and physical health.
Submitting and doing nothing creates stangantion

That is when one starts process of dying

FOR SOME that is their time of their life and that is OK

IT is awful for the rest of us and sad and heartbreaking for the rest of us
but for a person who is REALLY at that phase of life they are often in a state of peace and grace through the suffering

BE it terminal

OR just a temporary illness

FOR SOME KNOW it is not their time and will gracefully push thorough.

But for others they know and accept their time here has come.
It is awful

But I think enabling is when rather than caring for one in need of rest and place to just be and heal

one is manipulated

So don't ever feel bad when you help soemone out of love.

as far as I am concerned there is only one comlicit in enabling

It is the one lying to themself and not allowing themself to aspire to be who they can be- to aspire to grow and push themselves to level up

It is no one else's responsibility


and I suppose mental illness; depression; even the trickery of self deception and manipulation of others so they do things you CAN do but don't WANT TO DO

EVEN if they are good for you.

Medical science says a walk a day will help the physical symptoms of POTs.

MY one kid says otherwise for them. I don't belive it as I see when they are active they are doing fine.

BUt I DO believe for a period that legitimately WAS NOT POSSIBLE AND DID make their symptoms worse

But that time passed- it is not fixed
it was a moment.
It is gone

So one of mine has to get out of the fixed thinking and FEAR that a walk that in the past had been activity right before a debilitating slide was the CAUSE of the slide the SOLE cause of that slide-
and I think my kid has to get over the fear and resistance of walking to school.

So I asked for transportation when they thought they could not walk,

But I also went to help my older child who is ALSO strugging and asked for my support and care.
As when I helped her for a couple days she could function and get the things done she would not have otherwise GOTTEN DONE without the loving support. .
The thing is if my kids here don't respond to the same love and support I can give them-

they need to figure out what and who will motivate them externally.

Its their path.
But my self care is a priority as well and that is not selfish.

It felt like SELF CARE to go where my oldest lives to help her but to be apprechiated rather than criticized.

The two kids I live with both got in the habit of the older one- The older one influenced the younger one negatively in relation to how they relate to me.

They also have had years of this example from their DAD whther they realize it
and whether HE realizes it or not.

Insidious abuse
Psychological abuse


And the fact it is LESSENED
IS MITITGATED to a degree is great

But its like a seed that keep emerging and sprouting unexpectedly
Like a weed

I think I killed it off and then it comes back....

That damn Virginia Creeper.

The only thing that will resolve it is getting to the root.

Hard to do yourself. Sometimes you need help.

My neighbor ( absentee landlord) sent a handyman to clean up- I loaned him my spade and clippers ( the guy came without tools to clean a yard and asked to borrow)-
and he dug out that root I had 3.4 of the way released of Virginia Creeper in the neighbor's front yard that would grow and engulf the bushes there then threaten to come to my front porch.

Hope it is gone for good.
The one in the back yard that creeped up the drain and grew on the roof I think is not dead. But I pull out its emerging roots in Spring and hope to keep it from thriving.


Today's horoscope is interesting and weirdly accurate but then again it is so easily applied to anyone, right?


I Don't Know...
Think so spot on sometimes it is scary.

Have been chatting with an old co-worker I JUST met last Wed as he was interested in the board for the Arts Org. But he is taking his child to Fl for a week of needed vacation and can't make our meeting tonight.

Enough said- the rest seems to speak for itself as far as how fits my life; describes my life.

Especially the phrase "wounded healer, Chiron, via your eighth house of soul bonds" struck me as interesting.

FUCK I don't want to be the wounded healer
I just want to be the healer

The thing about being wounded is one can never go back in time

One just has to heal
then it is weird thing I think that one's purpose then becomes clear in the healing of others one heals self and vice versa

EVEN when not intending to or seeking those kinds of relationships.

They just happen.

Just hope fear doesn't keep one away from their soul mate when they meet.

whoever you are out there
that is my wish for all..
that they recognize the soul mate when encounter
and allow that person in

and let them stay a while.

I am glad I am able to trust to do so.

I feel truly like that is a reality for me.
And it is a huge thing to be able to trust and say "you are welcome any time."

I look forward to my furture to see what unfolds just happy in the moment, content with what is and know
It's enough
don't need more
but know more will come as meant to be. I just believe that and am at such a good place.

The morning swim helps me so much; writing helps me so much for just this 30 min...
after I sent an email for the volunteer effort I will work on today to communicate I will "Get it Done".

I am happy I got minutes out for the Arts Board meeting and KNOW EVEN IF THERE IS EYE CONTACT FROM EVERYONE I WILL NOT SAY YES TO THAT TASK AGAIN

It takes me TOO LONG
I would rather analyzed and then negotiate a tough contract than take meeting minutes and have to draft and send them out.

It just takes me Far too long for too little return /added value.

I am SLOW at my work. METICULOUS and perfectionist. I need to expend my labor where there is added value. OTHERS can do that task faster, more efficiently and well.
It is just a time sucker for me.

I thought I would get TWO Volunteer tasks done- and still had mental energy but my EYES hurt after working my part time job and then sitting at my friend's winery ( where I bought eggs! LOL WHO goes to a winery just to buy eggs and enjoy the ambience to get work done for a while?? JUST ME I AM SURE)

I worked on the minutes while working as the receptionist as there is down time but ever after work was not done. It took me a couple MORE Hours to deconstruct my crypic written notes; look up details ( like how to spell names and consult EVERY contract for the production team to make sure mapped out who was hired in what role with names and correct bio info)
We had a meeting with the production team for the next show and they introduced themselves and I had abysmal cryptic scrawlings had to REMEMBER ( NO CHANCE)
so used other sources to re-create....
Its a convoluted LONG PROCESS

as I DID NOT Have a laptop at the meeting, was put on on the spot and did not set that boundary of NO ( should have) and had no energy AFTER to stay up and moonlight to get it done when I would have recalled details. I was busy this month... heck the month went by and it has been on my TO DO but was not priority.
Now to go and kill this day!

Decaf coffee and an egg then to work. WILL SET boundary of stopping work at four hours!! THEN Will knock off the volunteer commitment
Marketing for an event coming up.

AND I will practice guitar today. I have a goal of learning a Pretenders song so my friend ( professional musician) who lives in Dublin and I can do a duet via Zoom just for sheer joy.
I threw that out there as a motivation for self and am pretty excited about it.

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