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2021-12-08 - 2:30 p.m.

I am tired now. Just a two minute break to vent as somehow I did not see a Dr. Appt on the calendar today. I was carrying the schedule of Dr. Appts in my bag so I had it with me everywhere, every day all last week
but FORGOT it was there
so when I was back home and not running all over the place
and went to the bulletin board it was not there.
I have been hunting for this sheet with all the medical appts for days. I felt like I was forgetting something on the schedule but not sure which appt of course.

I had in my head three medical appts this week.
OF COURSE it was four.
And the one on WED is the one I forgot about.

Now the thing is I had it WRITTEN DOWN on my work calendar

Well I logged into work early; and did a few things- triaged email for things DUE I did not yet do. Got a couple things done. Then moved to organize filing and updating my task list- being sure to CHECK OFF the things DONE last week when so crazy busy I just got the deliverable out the door timely but did not have time for filing or checking off the task on my TO DO-
because I was at a conference and working either early or later or on a lunch break from the very lovely fancy bathroom at a hotel that had nicer digs than some offices.

I don't have deadlines not met. So I suppose knowing there were no meetings and no deadlines due today- I did NOT look at my work calendar until LATE morning! DANG there is was- a 10AM appt which I read about at 11:30! CRAP

ITs like when in the hot seat
in the thick of it I AM SO GOOD AND ON POINT

I crank out the work efficiently and timely
Its like my nervous system THEN goes into freak out mode.

At least it is AFTER the fact.
I have always had this weird skill of managing stressful moments. Great in an emergency

The nervous system goes into FLIGHT mode
and FRIGHT mode
rather than PERFORM WELL for survival mode.

It is so weird.
Fortunate in a way
I am killer effective in actual debates or competitions; actual negotiations etc.
I can close a deal like no bodies business as the saying goes. ( HA HA makes no sense in the literal use of words as it is in fact business... Where did that phrase come from? HA HA)

But then when I do the simplest shit afterward when my nervous system kicks up...
its then I feel this nervousness and start making the dumbest mistakes.. which then makes me more nervous.
For some reason my nervous system is in that state just now! MAYBE it is cause last week was so crazy non stop and I worked this weekend so did not get that down time to relax my body and mind just NEED. I think I need a massage. For real
or a meditation more practical LOL
YES or to write her for even 10 min and make a cup of tea and then go back at it. I do have more work to do today. More organizing... but really one other task there is a dependency on someone else for data so I want to get it done to completion and only flip to them for the info needed. So have to get it done so they have ample lead time!

(Due in four or five days. I just want to pass it off without it being last minute).

OH thank God for the lover in my life. I swear he provides such a source of humor for me and stress relief. I don't even care that it is what it is...
not moving anywhere faster than the other relationships I have had ( HA HA HA) but those moved slow over years so hey at least there is possibility...
and I am not going to hang on too long if there is not possibility.

I need to not repeat a pattern .
But the thing is it is making me so HAPPY NOW.

Interestingly my friend Dr. Fauci is determined to not repeat his pattern of staying in bad relationships ( so he says- it might be just something in him he needs to address)- in any case I am proud of him as I think he is finally addressing his issues with his girlfriend who won't commit to him when he has been madly in love and wants nothing more than to get married and have a partner for life- he is old fashioned that way. He knows unequivocally that is what he wants/ and understands his needs and his relationship does not meet them contributing to why he has problems I think with being faithful- connected to his NOT COMMUNICATING with his partner about his real issues. I think him being honest and addressing the issues is a better way for him to hold himself accountable ( if that makes sense). In any case it was nice to be able to support my friend and encourage time alone then that he gives his girlfriend the opportunity to work on their stuff together. He is just so emotionally enmeshed but she does not offer commitment . I think the enmeshment is OK if there is a commitment of marriage and one is not feeling engulfed! Does that make sense? AS long as there really is a mutuality of wanting to kill parts of self while creating something new- while also letting each person retain their core self. But in his case he couldn't even go anywhere without ridiculous anxiety over worry about his beloved and he could not be present in a moment doing anything else.
HE was so engulfed
and she is so independent and happy on her own

He has to work on himself clearly but from what I see she is just not that into him like he is in love with her. AT ALL very unbalanced.

So it is good to see him stop causing himself such pain by staying in that wrong relationship (as it is) for him. Maybe it can grow... but he is finally ready to let it go and realized the pain is not worth it. I mean this woman has alimony and is like "Maybe I will marry you in seven years"

But no promises. And it started out with 10 ... from the divorce... he was in it during the separation a couple years. I mean I think it is a cop out. I don't care how many millions you get from an EX. You don't let yourself be controlled like that when you actually WANT to move on.

I mean I think if she loved Dr. Fauci his home and the life he offers her would be enough. (It is NOT SHABBY) She is just holding onto the wealth of the life she has. Maybe I should not judge... it just makes me nervous she will make this man wait 10 yrs and then STILL be distant and not find time for him. I mean if that is the way it is when DATING I can't see that changing...

He just needs to let go. So proud he did take a step toward that for him; for his happiness. I have seen WOMEN do this- waste their time with men who won't commit. I have seen WOMEN used- for child care; to help clean house; cook etc...
I swear Dr. Fauci is the go to guy for all those things for this lady. Funny I saw my college ex boyfriend go through a similar situation of what appeared to me being used by a woman who was happy to accept all he offered but also not at all interested in commitment. And I saw a coworker at one job spin her magic and USE a friend of mine- so yes it happens with men just as often I suppose.

OK BACK To work..

oh all this to say; I DID tell Dr. Fauci of my lover. Just had to so that he is not holding a torch and possibly thinking that if he is really single again he has some sure thing of a relationship with me. He has said very sincerely ( I know not BS) that he can't help but think had he met me before he met his GF that we would be married by now.

I can't say I disagree with that as a possibility if the paths of our lives had been different. WE ARE compatible.

BUT I also could joke with him... AND You Might have CHEATED ON me already ; and we might be headed for divorce already....LOL
as his fidelity issues ( or lack thereof) when he is not getting the attention he craves is a thing he needs to deal with. I am seeiously independent as well which cpuld still leave him feeling insecure. Ultimately he needs to address tgat needing of affirmation and validation. That is not about the relationship in my view. That is a Dr. Fauci thing to figure out and understand. IT MIGHT be related to the relationship insofar as HE IS NOT COMMUNICATING HIS NEEDS and then meets them elsewhere; OR A relationship thing in that he chooses and stays in the WRONG relationship for his needs; ( Again in his control! don't repeat that pattern if you are NOT compatible) OR Simply he has a problem with impulse control and being faithful and frankly he should then I think REMAIN SINGLE and seriously consider ethical non monogamy- don't lie. It can be done.

Its funny to me how some of us take forever it seems... lol... I mean well into our later years to really know ourselves. I mean one would think self awareness and honesty of who one is and what one needs and what is not going to change about oneself would not be so damn hard for some!
So here is the funny part. I did feel like I HAD to tell Dr. Fauci as he is a dear friend and we were catching up ( and he was a lover who was interested and who I changed the rules of our interaction to being friends)- that I am in love with someone else. He has known all about the other men in my life always. But we did have something special- I mean there are a few times in my life I can say that it was just DIFFERENT.
I mean so hard to capture the WHY so different. Just IS or WAS.

And yeah I have to say he hit that category- be it chemistry; the unexplainable; or the compatibility being easier... whatever it is...
It just is.
That the interaction with Dr. Facui is so darn EASY for some reason; so naturally attuned.

So it was not that surprising... that I did tell of my lover and he, I can't say how he so intuitively went here- without much info. I mean I didn't say much at ALL ABOUT THIS MAN I am involved with and YES he looked at me and VERY QUICKLY asked a couple pointed questions. I think I told him the age of the man. He immediately knew it was the SAME age as his son. I told him I found that so weird and asked what he thought about that. He thought it totally FINE that this guy is younger than me and then
this is the crazy part-
he literally starts asking me questions- particular questions that I did not answer. He looks at me and goes out of the blue "No, it can't be...." but then tells me what popped into his head-
and the crazy thing is he honed on on who he imagined it might be-
and was so freakin spot on, his description. And he says "Maybe it is- WOW" and I am like what ? And he tells me why he initially was thinking not likely but then says from the little I told of my lover and the little he got out of me in answering a couple questions- ( NOTHING REALLY PERSONAL... just color... I mean could be any of a number of men..but that aligned with age and the shared sport...)

HE THINKS my lover was his son's best friend, and if so in his words "Good for you HE IS JUST AWESOME . An awesome person and my impression is he is super smart and just a great guy" and he goes on telling me stories... LOL
I was hearing stories of the besties. OH yeah Dads are no better at keeping secrets than moms. LOL
And I know Dr. Fauci is not great at keeping confidence! He tells me much. So I expect he could do same. Hmmm.... He is going to spend a few weeks with his son who just had a baby!
HE is SO EXCITED to be a grandpa!!

Now the great part of this speculation is that I could neither confirm or deny as he literally only remembered the friends knicknames!! LOL

His son had a pack of friends he ran with that all had knicknames. Kinda like the older version of Little Rascals. I mean it was hilarious to hear him talk of the high school friend pack. Now Dr. Fauci and his family moved here when his son was a senior in high school- so they were driving and older and getting around town. It is just interesting as they also participated in one particular sport. That was the question that led to the knowledge they knew each other at minimum from participation in that sport. So it cracked me up that he so quickly made this guess. And what is hilarious is that I am rather sure he was spot on.

So now I know the knickname of Dr. Fauci's son's senior year of high school best friend...
and if that is my lover, well...

LOL as it is so funny!

I am pretty sure the intuition was spot on. I mean sometimes we just KNOW things and can't explain how we know them.

And you know it WOULD make sense. I mean Dr. Fauci himself is my kind of person. His FAMILY Are my kinda peeps actually... So it would make sense someone his son found he resonated with would be the kinda person I too would resonate with, right?

But that is a little weird. I mean to think of how small the world can be. Taking a walk with my dog as my former lover asked for my counsel and support and am telling him of my current lover who may have been besties with his son is not something I ever woukd have guessed would be my reality. I mean life takes some weird unimaginable turns. Still kinda blowing my mind this love affair is real. Never would have conciously imagined it! ( Ah but I did have dream! Really did have a dream and thought once...when thought how could never be interested in dating a younger man and this guy popped in my head as the exception. So funny)

OK Back to work for a bit. My head is cleared and anxiety gone.
NOW I will be able to focus.
Just rambling and the typing of keys is weirdly soothing.

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