2021-12-08 - 2:30 p.m.
I am tired now. Just a two minute break to vent as somehow I did not see a Dr. Appt on the calendar today. I was carrying the schedule of Dr. Appts in my bag so I had it with me everywhere, every day all last week
I had in my head three medical appts this week.
Now the thing is I had it WRITTEN DOWN on my work calendar
Well I logged into work early; and did a few things- triaged email for things DUE I did not yet do. Got a couple things done. Then moved to organize filing and updating my task list- being sure to CHECK OFF the things DONE last week when so crazy busy I just got the deliverable out the door timely but did not have time for filing or checking off the task on my TO DO-
I don't have deadlines not met. So I suppose knowing there were no meetings and no deadlines due today- I did NOT look at my work calendar until LATE morning! DANG there is was- a 10AM appt which I read about at 11:30! CRAP
I crank out the work efficiently and timely
At least it is AFTER the fact.
but then WHEN OUT OF THE MOMENT
It is so weird.
But then when I do the simplest shit afterward when my nervous system kicks up...
(Due in four or five days. I just want to pass it off without it being last minute).
OK CUP OF TEA NOW...
I need to not repeat a pattern .
Interestingly my friend Dr. Fauci is determined to not repeat his pattern of staying in bad relationships ( so he says- it might be just something in him he needs to address)- in any case I am proud of him as I think he is finally addressing his issues with his girlfriend who won't commit to him when he has been madly in love and wants nothing more than to get married and have a partner for life- he is old fashioned that way. He knows unequivocally that is what he wants/ and understands his needs and his relationship does not meet them contributing to why he has problems I think with being faithful- connected to his NOT COMMUNICATING with his partner about his real issues. I think him being honest and addressing the issues is a better way for him to hold himself accountable ( if that makes sense). In any case it was nice to be able to support my friend and encourage time alone then that he gives his girlfriend the opportunity to work on their stuff together. He is just so emotionally enmeshed but she does not offer commitment . I think the enmeshment is OK if there is a commitment of marriage and one is not feeling engulfed! Does that make sense? AS long as there really is a mutuality of wanting to kill parts of self while creating something new- while also letting each person retain their core self. But in his case he couldn't even go anywhere without ridiculous anxiety over worry about his beloved and he could not be present in a moment doing anything else.
He has to work on himself clearly but from what I see she is just not that into him like he is in love with her. AT ALL very unbalanced.
So it is good to see him stop causing himself such pain by staying in that wrong relationship (as it is) for him. Maybe it can grow... but he is finally ready to let it go and realized the pain is not worth it. I mean this woman has alimony and is like "Maybe I will marry you in seven years"
But no promises. And it started out with 10 ... from the divorce... he was in it during the separation a couple years. I mean I think it is a cop out. I don't care how many millions you get from an EX. You don't let yourself be controlled like that when you actually WANT to move on.
I mean I think if she loved Dr. Fauci his home and the life he offers her would be enough. (It is NOT SHABBY) She is just holding onto the wealth of the life she has. Maybe I should not judge... it just makes me nervous she will make this man wait 10 yrs and then STILL be distant and not find time for him. I mean if that is the way it is when DATING I can't see that changing...
He just needs to let go. So proud he did take a step toward that for him; for his happiness. I have seen WOMEN do this- waste their time with men who won't commit. I have seen WOMEN used- for child care; to help clean house; cook etc...
OK BACK To work..
oh all this to say; I DID tell Dr. Fauci of my lover. Just had to so that he is not holding a torch and possibly thinking that if he is really single again he has some sure thing of a relationship with me. He has said very sincerely ( I know not BS) that he can't help but think had he met me before he met his GF that we would be married by now.
I can't say I disagree with that as a possibility if the paths of our lives had been different. WE ARE compatible.
BUT I also could joke with him... AND You Might have CHEATED ON me already ; and we might be headed for divorce already....LOL
Its funny to me how some of us take forever it seems... lol... I mean well into our later years to really know ourselves. I mean one would think self awareness and honesty of who one is and what one needs and what is not going to change about oneself would not be so damn hard for some!
And yeah I have to say he hit that category- be it chemistry; the unexplainable; or the compatibility being easier... whatever it is...
So it was not that surprising... that I did tell of my lover and he, I can't say how he so intuitively went here- without much info. I mean I didn't say much at ALL ABOUT THIS MAN I am involved with and YES he looked at me and VERY QUICKLY asked a couple pointed questions. I think I told him the age of the man. He immediately knew it was the SAME age as his son. I told him I found that so weird and asked what he thought about that. He thought it totally FINE that this guy is younger than me and then
HE THINKS my lover was his son's best friend, and if so in his words "Good for you HE IS JUST AWESOME . An awesome person and my impression is he is super smart and just a great guy" and he goes on telling me stories... LOL
Now the great part of this speculation is that I could neither confirm or deny as he literally only remembered the friends knicknames!! LOL
His son had a pack of friends he ran with that all had knicknames. Kinda like the older version of Little Rascals. I mean it was hilarious to hear him talk of the high school friend pack. Now Dr. Fauci and his family moved here when his son was a senior in high school- so they were driving and older and getting around town. It is just interesting as they also participated in one particular sport. That was the question that led to the knowledge they knew each other at minimum from participation in that sport. So it cracked me up that he so quickly made this guess. And what is hilarious is that I am rather sure he was spot on.
So now I know the knickname of Dr. Fauci's son's senior year of high school best friend...
LOL as it is so funny!
I am pretty sure the intuition was spot on. I mean sometimes we just KNOW things and can't explain how we know them.
And you know it WOULD make sense. I mean Dr. Fauci himself is my kind of person. His FAMILY Are my kinda peeps actually... So it would make sense someone his son found he resonated with would be the kinda person I too would resonate with, right?
But that is a little weird. I mean to think of how small the world can be. Taking a walk with my dog as my former lover asked for my counsel and support and am telling him of my current lover who may have been besties with his son is not something I ever woukd have guessed would be my reality. I mean life takes some weird unimaginable turns. Still kinda blowing my mind this love affair is real. Never would have conciously imagined it! ( Ah but I did have dream! Really did have a dream and thought once...when thought how could never be interested in dating a younger man and this guy popped in my head as the exception. So funny)
OK Back to work for a bit. My head is cleared and anxiety gone.
Update. Pricing Heat Pumps - 2022-04-22
PRESENCE in my Priority - 2022-04-20
Spring Cleaning Time - 2022-04-18
This too shall pass - 2022-04-15
Appalachia Woes Just came across this Podcast today. Kinda random But did see Hillbilly Eulogy some months ago - 2022-04-12