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2021-12-24 - 9:10 a.m.

Thinking this morning of how the root of desire is possibility. For me one of BEST part of a relationship is the beginning when all it is IS possibility.

Not really the best. Not by a long shot...however

The most viscerally moving time and part of a relationship;
The most emotive and thrilling part;
The most sexually charged part;
The most EXCITING part for me is in that early falling in love stage

YET once there is no possibility of long term commitment

Game over for me.

Now here is the kicker
It is completely Utterly Wired In me to have that urge for possibility of commitment. Not any cognitive decisioning or actual choice to want to be married or even seeking of life partner.

Henry used to laugh at me as he knew he was my perfect lover because we could genuinely love each other
Then leave

I make that distinction between a lover and the one dating with possibility of a long term committed relationship.

Having a lover without that possibility is so freeing of the responsibility to nurture and care for a man and be present in ways I just could not. I did not want to bring a man into my world who needed too much attention. I just did not have ability to give my all to anyone and was in such need of healing.

It was so wonderful for me that I could show up at Henry's place ANY TIME and we could love and care for each other KNOWING he was seeking a life partner but I could be a loving sexual partner once in a while until he found her. This mutual healing love. I could come by anytime Except if he forewarned me... occasionally he would have a date and let me know. It was hilarious once as the man I was dating took me out to dinner and he picked the restaurant ( ironically he picked a spot that years before was my favorite to go with the air traffic controller....and Henry was there on a date too! Lol)

Henry would text me when he had the urge to see me and I would say yea or nea. . .

It was so marvelous to have that healing love of Henry. I went to the attorneys place I was dating a couple times a week, when did not have my kids ( who then came to me every Wed night and every other week)
and the man who proposed I saw Wed for dinner, right after work, before I picked up my kids. IN FACT now that I think of it he was a friend June spent way more time than me with. She had nurtured the friendship and organized social outings for us all. It was really because I relied on the bus to get to and from work but on Wed when had to pick up kids at 7pm the bus I would sometimes run the bus would run 10 min late....
And my Ex husband would be in a rage at that
And refuse to wait. . . IF NOT THERE AT 7 SHARP he would call and rant and leave. He was so toxic and threatening and it was so stressful the worry if the bus would arrive home before 7pm or if I would miss seeing my kids that night.

My friend offered to pick me up from work each Wed and get dinner to ensure I was on time. Then he left as I had time with my kids.

Wow. That was how it started. Then when had to rent my basement ( including the laundry room) and needed to haul laundry from a whole family to and from the laundromat via bus...yes I did that! Enabled me to remain a homeowner... this guy said "Why don't you just come over on Sunday and use my washing machine?"

So this beautiful friend helped me ever Wed and then he left as I had kids to get in bed and every other Sunday I did stay with him and my kids at his place. That was what started the affair... I MEAN THAT WAS IT as far as regular time spent. We had group hikes with the group of us. And at some point when he made the sexual overture; I responded. I just let the friendship evolve to see where it led and how it would work for us. The guy I let in my world to know my kids was a friend I trusted around them. He was indeed such a good friend when I needed some help among a group of supportive friends. June and the attorney and other friends included. I had a birthday dinner once with multiple lovers , and parties where my multiple lovers all socialized. There was such support and acceptance and loving understanding of what we each could offer and receive from each other. A couple of my former lovers are actually friends still with each other.

He was the one that gone that got to know my kids and was such a good friend simply as he helped me meet needs of my family when I needed help. I basically fucked up a good friendship by sleeping with him cause I felt like he deserved love and I wanted to actively chose to love that wonderful man so did. I was so happy and content and do cherish every minute spent with him but the darn thing was I just never fell in love with him!

Funny how that works. But the thing is I NEEDED HIM in my life when he came into my life as the friend that helped me mee MY NEEDS. My Family needs. It was very pavlovian. He gave me what I needed to be a Good MOTHER to my kids.... and I loved him in return. But it was a relationship based on him being a helper in that sense. He helped me be able to be with my kids; to care for their needs in just a few simple loving acts of kindness and giving of himself. Because he loved me and he also grew to love my kids, no mistake about that. YET Henry who I never could be with is the man I fell in love with. I mean at some level I fell in love with him ALSO for the same reasons but there was ALSO chemistry- mutual passionate chemistry. And the weird knowing that this was off limits- riske (even thought sanctioned by his ex girlfriend and they had been broken up for a time- years in fact-- no matter WE BOTH knew it was not something we could be OPEN about. There was that EXCITEMENT Of the riske; the secret love.

Why is that such a turn on for some people? for me perhaps? THE OFF LIMITS ; the excitement of an affair being illicit ( or illicit SEEMING even when it is not--- more my style! LOL I won't date a cheater .... but yet there are those hot sexual relationships which worked yet have that element of secrecy!) I remember when I fell in love with Henry. I know the exact damn moment it happened for us. The mutuality of it was clear. The strength of it palatable. The pull of it... but we KNEW that we would not hurt others by having a relationship that was open to the world to see.
We were happy to choose to be lovers until either found a love we could create a commitment with.

It worked.
And yes he joked he was my perfect lover because I loved that he LEFT. Funny I was so BROKEN and did not TRUST Men and did not want ANY MAN To really come into my life with my kids. I did not want to put my kids through any heartache or possible trauma and wanted only stability for them. NOT introducing love affairs to them was a way for me to have companionship but not rock the stability of the home I carved for my kids. It was important for their safety. So I met my lovers ELSEWHERE for the most part! Henry did come over- but not when the kids were here with me. So Henry would tease the perfect lover for me is the one who leaves promptly--

But he always also chided me..." You know you really do want a committed life partner to marry and grow old with. We all do in the end."
He told me I should marry the wonderful guy who was all in!

I had two other lovers at the time...over the time, and it was so great to talk to Henry of those relationships. I mean the others knew of each other...mostly... I Made it clear I had another lover. I say mostly as the other two knew of each other (but I did not let them know of Henry. They just needed to know I was polyamorous and no would not agree to a commitment but if they wanted to love me I could offer love in return but not commitment.)

Here is the thing : there was possibility with the other two. YeS with both! I would not stay in a relationship without it. So funny to realize. I just KNEW I NEEDED TO HEAL FROM MY TRAUMA and the love of each of these men was helping me heal. I KNEW I WAS SO NEEDY and that was not ready to be able to give to a man what he would need to be happy. I needed to give to my kids; and have energy to work to be the provider. And as far as my relationship with men- I was on the receiving end. YES VERY SIMPLY I could not give more than time a few hours a week and was very self focused; family focused otherwise. With Henry there was ironically the most freeing freedom of not ever needing to court or impress each other so an ability to just be so completely ourselves. It is such a weird thing. The guard down which obviously I don't let down easily.

Henry though I should marry the one fellow. ( The one who loved me so much he later proposed an open marriage. He wanted to marry me and let me have that freedom. I COULD NOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND THAT. How do you navigate a marriage like that? I FELT HE DESERVED MORE

and I just was not in love with him like that. It was a very gentle easy compatibility. Our lovemaking was this very gentle extension of a comfortable friendship. Lovely but it was not really driven by my desire in any way sexually. I just responded to his desire and deep love for me. The mutuality of desire was not there.

But in thinking about the role of POSSIBILITY it is so interesting to me that once I realized there was no possibility of actual MARRIAGE after dating 5 yrs THAT Was truly the moment I needed to pull back in the relationship with my Buffalo guy. It was when it was clear that was never going to evolve into anything more than "it is what it is" kind of non committal relationship/ friendship. It was when I ascertained I would not ever be happy to live in his world- and he is never going to consider leaving to join mine. UNTIL THEN I think the POSSIBILITY Was there in the background. Thinking MAYBE in the future... and even if not conscious I realized Henry is right. At the heart of it all I DO want to have an end game. I DO Want to be able to heal my trauma and be able to trust someone enough to have a monogamous marriage of sharing self with my one and only husband again. But I need to grow into a relationship for quite some time before could even consider it. I need to first be able to be loved when I am not offering such commitment. I need to know I am loved FOR ME and know I am not going to be with someone who tries to actively destroy my individuality- or who is threatened by my independence and my need for alone time. I need to know I can be creative and have time to write; just to BE- like this BEING NON PRODUCTIVE JUST BEING Just reflecting sometimes praying meditating or reading a book in peace... ALONE TIME We started fighting when together- it was no longer fun. I could not be romantic when he wanted to as it felt like a farce knowing he was dating other people and not that into me. (Ironic and self centered I know after my polyamous dating pattern!) I think it felt like a breach of trust that he never spoke of any others. I felt NO SUCH lack of trust in lovers who TOLD me of their other lovers! That is the thing! There is the feeling of really sharing your whole self and not hiding that was missing in that. I guess that is asking a lot in a non committed relationship- but I need that honestly to feel secure frankly. I feel more at ease with the lover who SHARES and tells me of his other ladies than I do with the guy who is secretive. I mean even VERIZON who would say to me " you didn't just do that? you didn't just mention another guy did you - Don;t do that" ACTUALLY DID Tell me of his other ladies ( eventually)- sure I dumped him as he was a cheater... but once he came clean he was honest and then there was a Different level of trust in the FRIENDSHIP ( Even thought I would not sleep with him anymore!!) On the last Buffalo visit ( last Aug) knowing he recoiled when I recalled the time he blurted out "Marry me" early in our relationship some 5 yrs ago and he said he has no recollection of that and acted like it was the craziest idea- ( my friend the Marine was literally walking toward us carrying ice cream and his new wife was sitting next to me when Buffalo guy blurted that out! I COULD CALL HER AS A WITNESS but did not.. thought of it in the moment when he was arguing about that never having happened) - arguing essentially that he never had such depth of emotion and "Would never have said that' > well my reaction was basically "FUCK YOU- so why waste my time?" I didn't SAY That but FELT THAT. He later said he does love me. YEAH I KNOW THAT and truth be told have love for him too. I was just super mad at the time. And done with thinking that will ever go anywhere. SIGH - It took some months but we had a nice phone chat again. All OK with our friendship. I just am not going to travel again any time soon. Next time go to Buffalo I will connect with him but not sure I want to STAY at his place again, and I just can't invest energy in traveling to see each other.I also hate the fact of my asthma flares from his smoking. Even if he smokes only outside and in his basement and not in the main house it permeates him and is in his lungs. That ruins any kiss for me as I can't even breathe. I mean COVID impacted that interest in travel to spend time with him -- but even before that, truth be told I was getting too TIRED to invest in a relationship for just what it was without possibility. His drinking and smoking are issues which diminished possibility for me years ago as I became more aware of his alcoholism. At first I thought maybe he is not an alcoholic....but it is clear 🤔 yeah. Clear he is. I will never say yes to an alcoholic for long term. Unless dry... maybe... but again ...that is a trigger for me.] SEE IT IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT IS THE ROOT OF DESIRE. SO DAMN TRUE I can be all in when there is POSSIBILITY It doesn't even have to be a high probability- but as long as POSSIBLE if I am in love with someone and I know they have love for me- well then the possibility is enough that at some future I could see us growing into a commitment BUT ONCE it is GONE NO POSSIBILITY OF COMMITMENT With GROWTH- GAME OVER. I don't need a commitment of MARRIAGE or life partnership NO BUT I need a commitment of knowing I am LOVED and knowing you can accept me loving you and that MAYBE one day both of us could see it as a possibility and that you are not so unsatisfied and yearning that you are looking for something in other woman. I mean I think there is a distinction in the LOOKING and SEEKING And actively on the prowl that I don't really feel valued knowing a lover is doing; as opposed to a lover who ALSO happens to meet and connect meaningfully with another woman or women. I can respect the second moreso than the first. If a guy is with me and he is on the prowl actively it feels like I am less valued in a way. I mean I want to be with a DISCRIMINATING man - one who has CHOSEN me (even if it was just due to a phermone match! LOL) IF I don't have That ... game over; UNLESS it is a lover with understanding this is temporary to meet our needs. I AM FINE With that... BUT I need a guy to be into ME. And I need to be into him. THE UNIQUENESS Of the person. I guess I just was not into the Buffalo guy enough to want to travel anymore. Its takes too much energy for something that is not going to grow into anything else. YET I do so love when we chat and when we do see each other. The realization he is an alcoholic was the game changer for me. I think for some commitment is hard as they need the excitement of being in love; the charge of the thrill of the new- For me that is not an issue whatsoever. When in a marriage I never strayed. When in a commitment with a boyfriend I was never tempted or looking for a charge elsewhere. That is not for me the reason for my polyamory. It was mores needing the alone time and not being ready. It was moreso realizing I was needy and knowing my needs were best met by NOT BEING EMESHED with another. I feel like polyamory is a healthier model when one is healing and in great emotional need. ITs a way to help SELF grown and not lose your sense of self in another. I honestly think Dr. Fauci needs to focus on self and if he wants a good sex life develop it outside of jumping into a commitment until her really is in love with the RIGHT Person to commit to for the long haul. He needs to work on his impulse control as for him I think it may be his sexual desire being so impulsive he just needs to get a hadle on somehow. >

People get into real trouble in life as far as having inability to have the fullsome mature relationship develop in a grounded deep rooted way with stability of commitment and trust when they have the need or urge to experience the dopamine hit of a new lover over and over...
And seek it in a pattern in their lives ( most often self destructive with few exceptions. . I feel like that has been Dr. Fauci's problem .There has gotta be a way to figure out how to nurture desire in a healthy way so as to not hurt others rather than be the actual selfish narcissist who don't really love others but only love self and hurts others in the process.

As desire is driven by possibility

It is such an ironic thing. I was thinking about desire and about how very MOTIVATING it is!!

I love Steve Harvey's advise for women of the 90 day rule if looking for a long term commitment. Actual dating for months
"Think Like a Man but Act Like A Lady"

For the reason IT WORKS. Its like a man's ]desire keeps building and that triggers some falling in love biochemical thing and then attachment for men. But here is the kicker...for men its often the chase, the pursuit that fuels their desire. Because it is the POSSIBILITY Which is what is really most desired! THE RUSH OF THEIR IMAGINATION The POSSIBILITY of who they think a woman may be.

Women I think often are inherently different. Men can objectify I think ...desire an object of desire more readily. .brains are different.. so more men enjoy pornography as Its images alone work for many to bring about arousal. For many women they only experience once in relationships I think where there is a guy into that for his own arousal. Now I know WOMEN Do enjoy porn so the stats show- but I venture to say that it because they are coupled with a man and enjoying it in context of their relationship. I haven't met any women actually who is a purveyor of porn for her sole pleasure and enjoyment. ( I am sure there are many out there- but I never encountered one frankly.)

BUT I wonder....if that works is that attracting men as life partners/ husbands who are THE SAME ones who are more inclined to later cheat
Or have sexually unsatisfying marriages as they look at sex as inherently not compatible with the wife/ mother?

So they don't sexually desire the wife to be/ wife as they do a woman who there is not attachment and commitment to?

I am still perplexed AND BOTHERED by the though that for many that the hottest sex experienced is NOT in the context of commitments. I mean poll your friends. Ask them HONESTLY

And see how many truly had their most memorable sexual experiences within their traditional marriages .

WHY?? I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD BE ALIGNED Maybe for many out there they are and it only me... and my fear of commitment after trauma which attracts likewise... so men who want the excitement of the fling. But we have repeated flings in the non relationship cause are too puritan at heart to really embrace a one night stand! Ruminating for a few reasons this morning: 1. WRITING CALMS MY NERVES and my lover on my mind. So trying not to obsess about him. Failing a bit... I will be worried I think until I know all is well. He texted he was glad we did not get together this week as his two closest coworkers who he works with daily BTW ( Except days off!) just tested positive for COVID. DANG So yeah good thing we did not get together this week. and 2.Feel like my friend Dr. FAUCI has a relationship like I had with my friend I loved but was not in love with. And he is hurting I am so enjoying my current lover. But think for him it is like the Henry relationship ( from his perspective.) He is happy to have a lover ( or as he would naturally call it a bed buddy; Fbuddy). . . I am quite OK with that reality. But told him he has to let me adore him. Meaning- ( but not said) He has to let me be absolutely unabashedly in love with him and gracefully accept that and not be freaking scared away. Lets' just enjoy the sex for what it is and not overthink it is FINE BY' ME... but my systems is RESPONDING otherwise. So unexpectedly and delightfully. I mean I had THREE other men overtly express interest this week. One directly asked me to come over to sleep with him. ( SAID NO- ex lover-- they bubble up time to time) and two others clearly expressed interest. A coworker asked me out last night; and I turned him down. Younger man who said "I would like to spend time with you, Can we hang out?" To which I said "No thank you for asking; I am just not interested." and I told him I am considerably older than him and have a busy life with six kids and have no time or interest and don't go out with men I don't know at all ( I don't know him at all. Just saw at work. Some new med tech from an agency on the prowl). There is another co worker who has been flirting non stop... and the last time he did it just did kinda make me jazzed to see my lover. I mean it was flattering... and he is a guy I like as a person but not into ... Anyway... all this to day So Fauci is spending time with his son. DIL and new grandbaby and has some time away. My lover did not make it over these past few days when the house was free of kids normally here ( who will be here after time with Dad) and I have no interest in the other men who are somehow coming out of the woodwork. (Its so funny! I know it is BEACUSE I AM IN LOVE!! ONE IS SO ATTRACTIVE THEN ! LOL) I needed this morning to rest and ramble. It is the soothing self care- just rambling writing whatever comes out. So my lover did not make it over but I realized that it was the POSSIBILITY That so fuels me! It was the THOUGHT That he might ( but also not really expecting him to come- which I think is the key to not being at all disappointed ) as I fully respect and actually LOVE that he is taking this time for his OWN SELF CARE AND SELF GROWTH AND NURTURING WHERE HE NEEDS IT... I mean I think he is in the space I was in ten years ago frankly. I get it he is using me and that is quite alright as there is some healing in what I can offer him. We all need those angels to come into our lives and give to us when we can't give much in return at times. I think he is in a need for healing and learning to trust again. I make a point of NOT writing about other peoples shit but of course we all have shit we went through. HE is healing from his. He made it thorough. I think he is AWSOME. He is a creative beautiful man blessed to do artistic work every day using his gifts with such gratitude. I would love to see him carve out more time for the sport he loves. I kinda love the possibility of getting to go watch him play one day in that arena. I HOPE that he welcomes me someday... Funny the things we dream of and desire and want out of our lovers/partners. The thing that most moves me is when someone is coming into their own and watching their arrival at peak of creativity. I love if I can help them along the way and love those who are my muses along the way. FOR ME those are the foundations of the love affairs that I most cherish in my life. They have not always been the longstanding committed ones ( thought both husband's had been nurturing my growth at points during those relationships and vice versa). They are however the ones that helped me grow into who I am more fully. But now as I have no desire for another lover at all; and there is no actual hope of a dating relationship (at this time) it is interesting to me that I am in love with this wonderful man who is compartmentalizing this relationship as lover only. My bestie says I should just invite him out to do things as I like. Thing is- I don't go out much. And when I do I LIKE TO GO OUT ALONE. LOL True But there are things I would invite him to when this opens up. Some things he would appreciate and I would love to share. We have legit shared interests when it comes to music. I mean , I actually did run into him out on one of the few occasions I went out ... which were not often.. but interestingly he was there. There are two local good music venues and My bestie and I went out to one on occasion ( way back when... pre COVID... years ago.. and I distinctly recall running into him there and chatting with him. ) OK I am going to be a bit nervous til I get the update of how his besties are doing and how this has affected their workplace. I mean it is a small business. I literally wrote all morning and talked on the phone with my family- my Dad and brothers. I INTENDED To go shopping for last minute gifts but honestly needed to rest after this crazy worldwind of a week. I rocked it getting the house cleaned and then decorated; then in order for the windows to be installed. I had to focus on work ( technical doc needed to dig into). I worked the part time job last night. I chose the logo for my new company- OH yeah- that: I birthed a new company and have a pro web designer who will kick off that piece next week. I meet her on Monday. So, TODAY I JUST NEEDED The morning of rest. I got up and walked the dog a couple times. Then came back to EDIT all the misspellings. EVEN IF CHRISTMAS EVE. I just needed to stay in bed and BE. AND RAMBLE to now one but me-- the calming clicking of keys is my OM. SIGN OK- Time to wrap presents. Need to get them under the tree and then do any gap shopping last minute! Need some stocking stuffers. I am not cooking today. Will do that tomorrow ( well.. will cook SOMETHIGN but nothing fancy for my one kid here today and me.) I do have a chicken to roast and sweet potatoes and will make a fresh pumpkin pie tomorrow; likely cooking WITH my kid which is the one thing we do both enjoy doing together. Actually I think my kid wants to make eggplant parm this evening.. Reminder- at store need to pick up mozzarella. knew I forgot SOMETHING when when grocery shopping! TODAY I will wrap gifts; Sing with my church as we go caroling later; then catch up on some last minute stocking stuffer and gift buying for kids. and practice guitar. There is the plan. SET FORTH now at 1:40 pm as I edit for misspellings. Just was not ready to move yet til now.. BUT now I have to...

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