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2022-01-03 - 5:02 p.m.

Snow Day

I read a novel after working only a couple hours.

Then looked at my lover's photos posted and I swear it is the craziest thing. Maybe he is meant to be in my life not for any other reason but to open me raw to feel and heal.

It's like he just posts these images that are heart wrenching, heart achingly beautiful and awaken such mixed emotions in me



Bizarrely feel personal

I mean
I moved to Virginia as a photographer. I picked this stunning farmhouse and carried my box of black and white prints and had such plans to contine that hobby I loved. We designed a home that included my own darkroom in the re-design originally.

I purchased equiptment to outfit it. God, some might still sit in this attic. I may have not gotten rid of it all. I have sets of slides. I loved that medium. I shot slides and had an old Kodak projector.

Then a video camera. Some home vidoes remain.

But they were punctuated by intense moments noone wanted to capture let alone live.

Hell I was censored. I refused to allow my words be censored.But I stopped taking pictures.

Life is so fucking weird and beautiful

The bizarre twists.

I stopped shooting. I stopped being the photographer. It was a matter of survival instinct. Hard to explain but when behind a camera I am so focused I lose all concept of time and weirdly almost place. I am only seeing the smallest thing accentuated. I never ever did drugs but I imagine people get high to achieve such a state of awareness . I mean from the descriptions of those who talk about being in an otherworldly sense of awareness when using particular psycadelics in religious ceremony like peyote or schrooms. The deeply spiritual knowing and peace and of sheer joy and not sure what else to call it but the flow state of pure being self of an artist. It's lIke my mind can turn on thIs part and shift out all but a heightened exaggerated awareness of the smallest detail with precision.

I think of the musician who hits that state when creating music...of my first husband ...of the bass player I happened upon here in VA....whose portrait a painter captured that I may just buy one day as it so captures such flow state ...
Hell it is so damn weird to me to be awakened.

I mean I carved out a reality as a model because my being as a photographer was not possible.
But I had to contribute in the way I could to artistic creation.

But today...once again... this man

Posts a few photos

And I am crying
Just moved

He fucking moved to the same land...I mean same in literally ... not quite as close as the bed and breakfast that abutted my next door ( and old friend's ) farm which I happened to find and stay at not realizing it was that close just this summer. That was amazing and healing to find myself back there enjoying the beauty of the space and the fact my companion at the time was just not content just being.. I mean we quarrelled. . . He wanted to make a plan" and my plan was to sit in peace and just be..

In that beautiful space that was so full of promise

But was not safe and peaceful.

So fucking bizarre now my lover is posting stunningly beautiful lanscape photos of a VA farm in the same tiny blink of a town.

And my kid here the youngest asks me to drive here to her bestie's who lives there in this town and occassionsally after school she will walk here and hang with my kids and she will ask for a ride home. I drove there recently...a couple times...

Funny I remember when moved here meeting a photographer I initially thought if ever needed a helper I wanted to work for with a studio in that tiny town. I later approached her and told her of my art modeling and that if she ever needed a model I would love to work with her. Funny I think she and I both forgot that as she expressed interest in socizlizing 15 yrs later when reaquainted and asked me to call her..which I did and we had a nice chat maybe now a year ago. I did not call right away....but COVID thwarted interest in developing friendship

Just a small world. I remember when I inquired if she needed a helper or apprentice years ago...she said no. She did not take on many but had a good one at the time...a young man.

Yrs later after modeling quite a bit I asked if she wanted to collab but initially it was in hopes of helping process the old fashioned way, preparing for a shoot...the equiptment and lighting set up. I wanted to see how she worked and learn from her
Then the work of processing. . . The art of transformation in a darkroom is magic to me.

Fucking A

Just lookimg at these few photos of the familiar landcape brings me back to remember...

And it makes me cry.

Nearly 15 yrs ago and apparently I still have things that need to bubble up and heal.

My camera remains in storage still.
I had forgotten.
Like almost had forgotton that part of myself.

I hate cell phone cameras as much as I disdain cell

Just never got good at using either of them.

Whew. Done with this emotional dump.

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