2022-02-05 - 2:28 p.m.

OMG This is so funny how much this resonates with me ( YET marriage is the farthest thing from my mind)

as in my current lover only relationship; where he is VERY CLEAR it is ALL ABOUT SEX for him and I am all for that as that is honestly all I can fit in my life with focus on my teens
regardless of the FEELINGS I have had bubble up...
(Teens who by the way are convinced I neglect them! LOL TRUE that is how the FEEL by my parenting... but heck if they were not here truth my lover would have been here yesterday afternoon.
Anyway... what I see as being very conscious set of decisions to not be creating a situation of CODEPENDENCY And ENABLING.... they call "neglectful parenting"
NO it is boundaries and expectations they don't like!
but that is not my topic now...much... just a bit more...
yeah I am going to do best I can to let them be personally accountable and not do too much for them. They resent this- but I am TRYING really hard EVEN WHEN IT IS HARD FOR ME ...
as in SO HARD for me to NOT do the dishes and let them sit there until they see them...)

But this- THIS thing that popped up as I was reading an article after my ARTIST WAY Group today-
is such a really GOOD fun piece on developing intimacy in your relationships. I think it hilarious as this is so good and in fact my lover and I use many of these recommended communication tips to be honest to be sure we are both so empowered and feel like each sexual encounter is fully consensual when we are both in the horney mood...

Its such an amazing thing that is resonated with me! LOL
https://www.marriage.com/advice/intimacy/what-anais-nin-can-teach-us-about-marriages/

Maybe just cause MMMmmm Hmmmm... is one of the most oft texts I SEND... HA HA

My fav here is actually... you got to listen "He can get a lollipop if I get licorice"
Mmmm hmmm

HA HA HA

but this is the best line of all :

"Stay curious.. yes. Let's rename sex "pleasure".

But my wounding was that in my last relationship I felt like HE NEVER INITIATED. I swear my last relationship with Buffalo guy was such a wonderful FRIENDSHIP but I think he just does not have a compatible sex drive as me. He just does not have similar needs. So I LOVE the fact this guy initiates. This guy lets me know he WANTS to have sex with me. My last guy seemed avoidant of it.

YES enjoying this relationship. Do not want to experience the problems of overporning but the REALITY so its so great we have this nice interaction when not together but it is really nice when we get together. ( I am not a purveyor of porn - never have been and never will be. The whole industry is too mysoginistic and predatory and harms so many people and I think feeds into the worst of some folks addictive natures. The pursuit of pleasure above all things to place of compulsion and I think even loss of pleasure but panic driven is what happens...anxiety driven needing the next dopamine hit.) I think however enjoying sexual connection via phone talking to each other in a sexual way or sexting can ALSO Become a porn like addiction if it is not done in the context of ACTUAL real physical connection. I do not want this relationship to be that. Not wanting to enable an addiction being replaced with another. NOW for me- I can enjoy something without being addicted and pulled and hype fixated on it.
BUT I DO KNOW the addiction of workaholism. I DO KNOW The PANIC I feel at having something in my work TO DO there waiting.
I DO KNOW the absolute fear based driven OBSESSION that I JUST HAVE TO GET IT DONE NOW
when someone gives me a task to do.
I DO KNOW THE SHAME Of not being there to pick up my kid at 3pm when promised because I was deep in work flow to get it done- and truth be told it was PANIC DRIVEN.

So for me it is an interesting thing.
This lover of mine is sober but in the past did have some issues with drinking. He has not been in a bar or club in three years and prefers it that way despite his love of music.
He has not had a drink in two years- continuing his sobriety.
Sex I think has been a source of healthy pleasuring of self as he manages finding himself and overcoming that particular addiction. I think he perhaps has overdone porn imbibing. I think because he works and is successful at his job he doesn't consider it a problem- like the drinkers who go to work so are functional alcoholics. Maybe it is not- I won't judge.

I just know I think he is avoiding porn by replacing it with ME. A LIVE sex toy! LOL

I KNOW This and am quite OK with it as I firmly believe we all come into each others lives for a reason.
In a weird way this is an arrangement which is oddly in some perhaps bizarre and yes maybe fucked up way
healing for each of us in our mutual share of fucking each other.

FASCINATING but it is so good at this point.

JUST WEIRD And not something I was looking for , even imagined, but when it became a possibility I said YES And am really happy I did so.

It feels marvelously healing.
I do not feel at all obsessed with him yet have been emotional strangely opened up and allowed feelings to emerge which had not .

I mean like dealing with the death of my mother.
He was a conduit. I felt save and loved ( even if it is not anything more than sex- the connection is so viscerally REAL.. meaning even if NO COMMITMENT in my eyes there is still a FORM of love. Just not traditional.. and yes self love but also this mutual respect for each other kind of love.. and the love of being able to bring full self without censorship with complete authenticity in our interactions, without filter, without expectation
truly a kind of connection without CONDITIONS...)
well that is a kind of love whether we call it or think of it as such. I feel like it is so great that he would like to go out with my bestie and I when we do so again and be our wing man and he will be able to go out with NON DRINKERS and he can work the room to meet folks his own age. He would not want to hang with us... I get that... We have discussed this. I am so happy he wants to go hiking YES he does want to do some things.... but not build a relationship other than sharing of mutual interests.
He is a content creator of beautiful art. He is a photographer. ( Of course) HE is a poet at heart. (Of course)

OK enough of that.

Kids and my lover.. what else? OH Bellatrix is awesome. The family agrees we have a cat that is living with us in the form of a dog. She is so like a cat at essence!
I just have to be sure that don't fall into that trap of letting this lover of mine fall into the overporn experience and not be able to stay with the reality....

so the texting...sexting is the foreplay for me... and that is the balance to keep in this kind of relationship. Not to be TOO AVAILABLE

hell he just wants to get laid
he just wants to get off- and if he can get off without leaving his room he is happy for me to be his sex doll.
I am ALL GOOD being just that when he is here in person and he is my boy toy as well OR when I am equally enjoying my own pleasure when he is not here but we can equally delight each other.

SO this relationship is really fun for now.
I love his actual honestly.

Its very freeing. And the main thing is that this younger guy totally understands CONSENT which is sexy. And not just the kinda language going through the motions consent but the more honest of him being so direct with what his interests and intentions are up front and not playing the role of the sensitive man. I think he is a great lover as he does read my pleasure but he also expresses his pleasure and we naturally did not have to work on the language of our communication.

Its so nice to have this non relationship.
Some day I will find a more full relationship
BUT It is not feasible with someone out of town who won't be in my world at all. Which is why I am choosing the local lover over no lover- when the moment and opportunity emerged.
And the crazy thing is that because I have this TRUST of him there is so much weird healing.
YES intimacy and better sex for me. He just wants sex but the very fact of me having a sexual partner with whom I have alot of mmm hmmm moments... I LAUGHED as I swear that is the text I send him most often...

He texts me in afternoons which frankly helps me not continue to work long after I SHOULD STOP.
He helps me oddly be more present with my kids. TRUE
Isn't that funny?
He helps me break MY Addictive behavior (working) that is destructive to my relationship with my kids. They NEED me actually to not work unreasonable hours just now. (As long as present with them but NOT enabling them.)

(HE loves visuals and love coaching and affirmation and he loves sending me pics of himself. He is very open and communicative and I receive them and are delighted by them. He says he would love to come over and more often than not it is not a good time. When it is I let him know. But again, kids and my needs are always first. AGAIN EVEN IF THE KIDS DON'T SEE IT as they would PREFER Me to be enabling of them being comfortable and avoidant of responsibility I swear...)

In good news grades for one are As. Not surprised. Back in school and feeling well and rocking it.

Both these two will go to college when ready. If not Fall I am not going to stress as no fear that they won't go.
The younger finally got the POTS diagnosis as well. She is doing really well but does have to manage a chronic illness like her siblings. They each have to walk their own path and find their passion and she will figure it out.
These two younger ones for some reason refuse to be open to listening to my guidance.
My older ones, the two older say not surprising as they share that all the four of them ever heard was negatives about me. Consistent messages that I am not a capable parent, am not smart and not worth paying attention to but consistently put down and abused verbally of course would play into them completely disregarding any advise; structure; rules; suggestions etc that I try to put into place.
It doesn't really matter how consistently for example I tell, ask , demand, etc that coats get hung up on the coat rack or shoes put on the shoe rack. Its a small thing but one example of their refusal to do anything I would ask of them out of this GREAT NEED to feel a sense of not being controlled. Its a fascinating thing- this need for autonomy and self expression they have being so pronounced that any expectation others set feels like a demand chipping away at their self .

But that is where they are at.
So I think working with them to create house rules and not fighting has created progress. I relaxed some things and do some other things to get things organized despite their resistance.
They resisted any help to get college applications done.

They ask sometimes about doing something but then when I am able to help don't want to-
AND there is such avoidance.

So today I am SO HAPPY TO HAVE A DAY OFF WORK!! YEAH

A day without any other obligations but taking care of self and home. My big project today is to finally put away the Christmas decorations I gathered and piled up ready to go into boxes in the attic. I enjoyed the morning writing and reading then my Artist's Way group. Its such a wonderful group I am so happy to have created!
Ok time for the chores now then cooking a nice meal for us all here.

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