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2022-03-11 - 5:40 a.m.

I realize this AM that I should be more direct in saying NO. So here is my morning pages dump:
I really need to be more direct in setting a boundary.

In starting my company I see a need for process improvement in the market I KNOW I can meet. It is a REALLY common need for tightening up policy and procedures in the area I am an SME in.

Either some shops are overly complicated

OR some shops want to "keep it simple" but have NO PROCESS captured. (Of course they HAVE one. But it is inconsistent; inefficient and no one really knows what it is. LOL There might be multiple ways shit gets done. I mean NO codified clarity of process and could use some (need some if they want certain certifications).

So this is an area I find SUPER FUN as did this work in one particular company (and to an extent in another large company).
So I called an old friend from the one company to have a conversation.

Because to date that is not the CORE of what I have been doing. So my web site is focused on the TASKS and core work I have been doing. Moreso the actual operational WORK of GETTING IT DONE and not focused on process improvement; policy or procedures identification and codification and simplification.

However I WANT to create a team to provide that service. I LOVE that kind of work and am really good at it but need a couple others with other skills on that team to be great at it.

So I want to know if they are interested in collaboration- if they want some consulting work. (Honestly two particular ladies I worked with in past ROCKED This and I envision THEM On my team!)
BUT truth be told at this point (despite the fact LATER ON if I get a client that has a need they are an SME in distinct from me!)- I just wanted a quick conversation to see if the one old co worker I know best would provide a quote for my web site!

I have my TO DO LIST-
I envisioned a 30 min call with this particular person... then a 30 min to hr with the next person on my list ( Someone with a DIFFERENT SKILL SET. WHO BRINGS SOMETHING ELSE TO THE TABLE who actually is MORE IMPORTANT for me to call but I called the person it was EASIER To call first. Thinking they would help me get my TO DO done faster- of the one item I want to check off.... )

and I envisioned making a few more calls THEN coming to the table with ALL who are interested....

but the person I asked if available for a call today said "let's meet"

So the chat will be over lunch..

which I really should not be preemptively complaining about as I may have a really nice time. FUNNY I REALLY Wanted to go to lunch with my co-workers I WANTED to connect
I WANT TO GET To know them and have that comradery and feel like we know and trust each other.

But I guess when its someone I already know and trust and presume likewise ....

just give me a quick call so I can move on with my day.


Suppose selfish/ anti social/ lol


but I did not set a boundary.
Should have said- no a call is good and all I am interested in right now.

Cause I am a bit bummed I think my GOAL- MY TO DO for this week may not yet be done by tomorrow as I hoped!
I just wanted TWO quotes as to my added value and quality of work for my company website. This guy KNOWS the quality of my work!

DANG I want to make progress....even if baby steps.

I have an AGENDA it is important to STICK TO IT.

And I am working on the part that I was PROCRASTINATING and LINGERING OVER...
IT is the asking for quotes for my web page. This is a former professional person I worked with at a large company whom may be able to give a nice reference based on the collaborative work we did *IF THEY ARE COMFORTABLE

I already asked a couple of old bosses' I direct report to. I need to call to chat with one I sent an email to as a follow up. I should have carved out time for THAT CALL first- to a CEO and a CFO I supported. But instead this person was easily available via text so I texted them first. (DANG avoided the call to the people with most added value. INCLUDING My current boss! I should have asked my current gig as they may say yes too and give me a nice quote! The terms of my hire were that I can run my own company as long as not competing in the space they are in.)

But instead I just sent a quick message as this person seemed easiest to approach and I was resolved to make SOME PROGRESS THIS WEEK.

I was the point person when they were the point person DELIVERING services for a company. I was making requirements clear and I was evaluating the work that was delivered. I was the interface between the services company; first line reviewer and approver before it was signed off (After my review and acceptance for completeness and quality). I was in a sense in a supervisory role as first line POC and reviewer of the work they delivered. I wrote the procedures manual for the overarching process that they worked on one part of. I trained them in our process and they provided a service for one part of it.

My work was really solid (in fact so solid a co-worker tried to cop it as her own LOL!! That was a funny chapter. I had no idea she did so at the time but because I wanted to COLLABORATE I sent my working document to someone for their use and the gal got busted... lol Invertedly....HA HA OH large company competition !! CRACKS me up now... So anyway thinking of how much I love process improvement made me think of this person I worked with on that project with efficiency YEARS AGO. Doesn't matter it was years ago we were a really effective team! (He was the manager of the outsourced group at the time on the project for the company I was working for.)

Moreso than anything I LOVED the work of that consulting company and realize that they had such added value in my mind. And that is the kind of process improvement I am fully supportive of and would like to provide OTHERS

Take a process that is NOT being managed well and come up with a really efficient way to add value of Getting it done for a company that saves them TIME, MONEY and IMPROVES QUALITY

What is funny is that in that particular case the ATTORNEYS I Worked with all wanted to DISS the work of that consulting company.

They just wanted to LIE and pretend there was no added value.

Because they knew there were TOO MANY OF THEM and some would have to be let go if it was acknowledged this consultant did a bang up job at a much lower cost so was a sound business choice.

I was not going to NOT Speak truth.

I never don't speak truth.

Well I could have had the conversation on the phone... but what the heck it will likely be nice to meet over lunch...

But I just need to know to set my own boundary really clear next time. I realized AFTER I DiD IT that TWICE I DID NOT PROTECT My OWN TIME


I really intended the QUICK call regarding the PAST WORK And asking for reference. (To get that checked off the TO DO List!) And THEN TO dig deeper into interest NEXT step. Mainly as I want to have the web designed done with her work so she is not left with this unfinished project hanging... She designed a nice site which needs just a couple tweaks and of course that will be ongoing... but references is an added value. I could use some.)

Shoot I am not meeting my own deadline EVEN when I put the day into MY WORK yesterday. Bummer to me. I was not particularly efficient. I need to prioritize my to do better.

So I need to be more diligent in carving out time for my OWN company for it to be viable and grow.

The second time I did not set a good boundary was when I was so excited about going to the show.

BUT THEN when the guy said "let's meet for dinner" I REALLY SHOULD HAVE SET THE BOUNDARY

I mean I would have preferred to meet just for the show to be honest. I should have SAID THAT. That would have been ENOUGH connection with that friend.

Cause once again... its the need to not overdo it- to carve out a balance of getting my shit done; getting my house in order; being present for kids here; and then having some time with friends...

but the thing is I want just SMALL increments of time to connect or enjoy each others company.

and with that guy I think his discontent with me / our misalignment is that I always got the sense he is looking for a relationship where someone can walk fully into his world. I can never do that. Nor can I have him enter fully into mine. He was always like "Come stay with me all weekend." then "Can you take off Friday?" and it was like the IDEA of all this time together was then what he had in mind but it never matched his reality of what he really wanted anyway. It was like he WANTED me to WANT To be with him all the time but if I did come for a weekend he kicked me out before it was over anyway! LOL

But it was like he felt hurt ( so it seemed) if I wasn't itching to get there as soon as possible. I typically would not want to go see him UNTIL LATE in the day or early evening on Sat. NO to Friday... No to heading to DC any earlier than dinner and whatever we intended to do.
I mean I wanted to DATE him.
He wanted a weekend of passion...

Just not on same page with time expected to spend together. I like that he is physical ( or intends to be. LOL He is working on those skills and I applaud him for it...but it was not ...I guess just not naturally intuitive and easy with him? He tried too hard?? IDK... something NICE about thoughtful intention and talking about sex and consent but it was like that was his agenda all the time and somehow that gets very old very quickly?? That likely makes NO Sense... but I am just rambling here... I mean I don't want the same thing from him I guess. From him I like the friendship first and foremost. Anyway... I keep going to edit and then ramble more. Morning pages are NOT supposed to be edited. in fact not supposed to be read but sometimes I type instead of long hand rambles....)
It will always be sharing of time as friends but NO I AM NOT in a position to really emesh and honestly I think he is looking for that. I use that word not in a negative way- but an it is what it is way of what I feel like he is looking for.
I mean he wants someone as a partner. Not what I am looking for. I want the friendship.
Heck I don't even want a lover out of him. I am happy with distant lover that does not want a relationship for that kind of connection. (Truth. It does not have to be partnership or forever or in context of dating- there is still something real and powerful about that connection when we can get together that is enough.)

I WANT those distinct friendships and the lover relationship. I want to carve out space for multiple friends male and female to nurture and have a network of support for each other but DO NOT want any one person to consume all my energy and time outside of my family. My time is too limited and my energy too limited.

I suppose I feel the same about work! Work full time for ONE employer? HELL NO

I want a couple PART TIME gigs with time for guitar practice, and painting, and creative writing...
and I want them to be FUN exciting ADDED VALUE PROJECTS that I know I can excel at.
I am just not on board with luke warm ANYTHING in my life.
I can find exceptional.
I can be exceptional
and I know it.
The only time I am not is by choice when I want to be exceptional at recreation!! LOL
At chilling and reading a book; or strumming guitar very badly but enjoying the peace of it (and if I stick with it long enough someday I will get decent. Not near that yet... lol slow progress is however still progress.)
and I have a book I am literally working on- I mean I am writing! ( Which will get done. I realize I made mad progress and just need to carve out time for the next step to pull it together.)

I just relish allowing my creativity to blossom and am LOVING my Artist's Way Sat morning group.

So hell I just need to be better at setting boundaries when I say yes! YES but here is the limit of what I can offer JUST NOW

an hope I am clear in intention and not misleading

Now even on the call with the guy to shore up plans he got irritated I interrupted him. I trigger him... this is why we were not good as a couple why for him he wants me as a friend.

I get that
and for me it was matter of not having chemistry. I told him that he said "We do have some chemistry"
I guess he feels it?
I don't much...
I mean honestly....
EVEN THOUGH I like most other things about the man. "It" was just was not strongly there for me...
but I DO like his company and that we enjoy the same things like theater and music and share some mutual friends we both really enjoy the company of.... and sure a nice meal and conversation (but we had a really nice catch up call on the phone! .... I guess my need to connect is not as high as some. I mean I chat for an hour I am good for MONTHS... LOL TRUTH... I mean that is what I LIKE about my Buffalo guy. The connection is not lessened just cause we only talk whenever the hell either of us feel like it and wants to chat for hrs. I only pulled back when he was ACTING like we were more serious than we are in reality. I mean if you are not going to walk the walk don't talk the talk dude....

But I don't MISS folks in between. I kinda miss having me time however.
Maybe I am just more self centered....
I don't know...
But regardless...

So the boundary should have been NO I just want to meet for the show.
Cause it gives me a bit of discontent to then feel pressured to get my shit done.

Its artificial pressure I know-
But I feel I NEED To set that on MYSELF to move forward and make progress.

I mean I honestly would have preferred to make dinner for my family. I have some turkey thawed for meatballs..... I could make it earlier for lunch today perhaps... there is a thought. I have a recipe ready to cook for the family. DANG Maybe that will be the plan.

So up early. I need to start work EARLY To get some things done FOR WORK

as honestly yesterday I logged just an hr. I spent time on the volunteer work and it took my energy and shifted my focus... I INTENDED To get back to my pd work but the day just went by!!

After volunteer work it led me to realize there was something I NEED TO DO REGARDING MY OWN TAXES and BUSINESS TAXES...

SO I invested my energy in MY COMPANY Development after volunteer work

I just did not want the week to go by without progress on MY company!

So ethically I logged my only ONE HR! Hell I monitored email for more than that- but I didn't get shit done. I was not in the head space of working on OUR procedures and process manuals yesterday. I had other things on mind. Not in the writing editing mode. (that is on my to do!) BUT I had caught up with everything EXCEPT things I am waiting on others' input on... so had to be patient (They have other priorities and don't want to nag them!!)

I intended to do a couple other things for my pd gig but the day just went by...

So today... I will get to work early. Perhaps then will cook BEFORE I go to meet my friend/former co worker for lunch. I will be happier if I get a nice meal for the clan here before I take off for that and then again later.

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