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2022-03-22 - 3:33 a.m.


I mean it is just so much fun to listen to one of these Astrology things... after the fact and hear how much it resonates.

So interesting.

I had the most amazing FULL MOON Experience

Can you say out loud " I really love myself?"

and I am feeling good knowing it is NOT in a narcissistic way either! (That is always my FEAR simply cause I have had some of that narcissitic/ really just insecure energy around me more often than like so wondered what the hell attracted it-- really its confidence that attracts that I think!)

I am awake cause the dog/ then another house dweller in family here woke. 2AM really ( interesting as was 3AM adrenaline rushes in folks I think... now earlier after time change... biorhythm not quite adjusted. I definitely had that happen to my body as I was feeling overheated under my blankets which also woke me)
But I digress...

I can't waste time reading as:
I am on WEEK 4 of the The Artist's Way READING DEPRIVATION WEEK.

So I am counting DRAFTING for work as not reading! *LOL---- its really ALL Reading carefully and then writing/ re writing.

I have to laugh at how some folks think cause there is a pre-prepared scubbed template that it will be super fast to create a document.


The template is just a GUIDE. Honestly.... anyone worth their salt is going to make you wait a couple days before flipping out a document.....

That aside over.

Back to the heart of it.
After two amazingly productive but yes obsessive work days on Thu and Friday- I mean OBSESSIVE...
it was more that ADHD hype focus.
I FINALLY tackled a project I had on MY TO DO for work and pushed through it.

The thing is it relied on data being captured; then analyzed; and required Excel and formulas ( NOT my forte- I can do that but not FAST AT IT... thus the procrastination) BUT it has tremendous added value for me and I actually think for the project management of the projects in my company too frankly...

SO glad was driven and got it done.

I have other priorities ( which I started ahead of time... .drafts done weeks ago frankly that just need finishing)
AND was given another big project.

SO I was determined to STOP WORK and go take care of SELF and not overwork once done with the big project I had plowed through.
I signed up for a Full Moon Drum Circle.

But then I also decided- since I honestly INTENDED To go to the pool but made the mistake of NOT going in the morning ( I forget if it was Thu or Fri- but regardless the bag was IN The CAR with Swim stuff. I somehow took the dog for a walk...etc... then made mistake of starting work thinking I believe I was going to check email to be sure nothing needed immediate attention and then go to the pool before really starting work for day and I think my ADHD kicked in and I forgot the plan. LIFE TIP for ADHD folks: DON"T DO THAT.. Just carve out DEDICATED TIME to do each thing and follow the schedule. Scheduling ends up being so much more productive and balanced in the end.,,, if you have a tendency to kinda hop all over the place...

OH BUT FOR .... LOL now this is the reality
The ADHD EXCEPTION of when you have just ridiculously high burst of energy and somehow can just plow though things one after the other as they come to you...

like the little shit you usually overthink
but get in flow....

I mean my weekend was like that. I stopped working; got exercise and then it was like my brain did not have blocks of overthinking and I had energy and then was able to get the little shit that lingered for MONTHS done to get the house in order and cleaned up.

But that came SAT...
back to Friday night.

So Friday I stopped working and finally made it to the pool. I decided I would have time to swim AND then make it to the drum circle. After swimming I would have been able to be on time if I left directly- but then I took pity on my complaining teens who do not like to have to cook and be self sufficient and decided that it might also be a good idea if I ATE something-
so I ran through McDonald's in town and picked up food and dropped it off at home for them ( and ate a fish sandwich)
and THEN headed to the drum circle. My home 15 min from the pool...and the pool is west of me on the way to the drum circle which was ALSO west- so I did get there at 7 rather than 6:30 but as it was outdoors and an hour and a half long it was perfect. Not disruptive for me to come join them then.
It was really lovely and relaxing. ( This was a meditative spiritualist drum circle. Very different kind of energy and drumming DC/ Mamaday Keita Tam Tam school folks et others at the Sun Drum circle.)

but lovely
it was actually a really quiet meditative beautiful circle
a number of native American drums and (I sensed/thought/ a few native drummers) present; and one lady shared what she had learned about the meaning of words of one of the calls we sang (totally forget the word and rhythm and song now!)
The word essentially had meaning similar to "jembe" a greeting and call to gather together.

After the absorption of WORKING ; the intense exercise of swimming laps ( during which I often enter into prayer - sometimes the Hail Mary get me through this I can push though just couple more.... am I done yet??
When I swim it is laps and I kick up the cardio so it is a workout. Much gentler on joints so trying to swim more than run and strengthen my pulled/ torn/ hurt muscles that really need some work to heal well. They are not quite there yet! HEALING TAKES MUCH LONGER ONCE OLDER.

I did go for a run about a month ago and was so happy my ankle felt good! BUT THEN I tripped and sprained it yet again just days later!
Healed faster this time thankfully but I am still hesitant about running so think I should kick up the swimming a few more weeks and do some yoga for stretching before I start running again.

But I tell you the benefit of exercise is remarkable for me!
I mean I swam hard and did have a good workout.
But I did not overdo it-
then drumming was wonderful.

Now this is the crazy unexpected thing.

I thought that would be my Friday night. Was heading home joyful and relaxed and on the road I see this sign...

a hole in the wall local bar put up a sign I had not ever seen there before.

Karaoke Thu nights.

and I LAUGHED and immediately thought of Art . Who I knew was as annoyed with me as I him after the last time we spent time together. Remember? I had a wonderful time drawing ( I actually realized I wanted to draw HIM as I love taking portraits so figured let me start with drawing of the portrait! Heck it was what I sat and modeled for those many times so I sat and HEARD so many classes about portraiture)

So when Art asked me to look around the room as he was giving me the drawing lesson and decide what to draw- it hit me

and interestingly the picture DOES look like him; surprising to me! It was not very good but shows unexpected resemblance.
So the next time I came by ( honestly I accidentally left my sweater there the night of the drawing lesson!) it was after a long... I mean LOOONG drive (with my car having an issue in which it does not accelerate beyond 60 MPH and up hills is sluggish and can't hit that) and I was TIRED, EXHAUSTED... and thought we just enjoyed nice time watching movie when
BAM The same old damn fight
of him wanting to sleep with me cropped up.

And upon reflection afterwards I knew the dance we do- that we both needed time; and then one of us would call the other after time healed the wounding of the fight ( I was hurt thinking he did not value ME ; HE was hurt- as he said it "IT's like you came into a man's home and he has been starving and you put forth a WHOLE SMORGASHOARD of deductible delicious food but won't let him take one bite!")

and I was like "What the hell, AGAIN? Is not our friendship/love ENOUGH?"

and "Do you not have any self control; respect of boundaries; respect of ME? Are you so misogonistic? Entitled?"

Take care of yourself...

But then again... there is something to be said about a man who is not really sexually active BUT FOR when he loves a woman.

I have to respect and see there is being valued in that. I mean Art is Art and he is old school
He is a one woman guy all in kind of guy ( which is why I resist any desire to be physically involved with him WHEN I WILL NOT OFFER A RELATIONSHIP with him that is ALL IN)

Honestly as much as I love this man one of the best decisions was NOT having a relationship with him.
He is just too Italian ha ha....
that is the irony...
I mean my kids had to navigate having a good relationship with their DAD. Art would have NOT been good for my family. Hell he knows it and I know it! HE has ZERO PATIENCE for disrespect. Maybe he would have been good for ME...

but I don't think necessarily my kids..
as he is the ironic old school parent;/grandparent- NO tolerance for disrespect but then also has no sense of boundaries himself! So he is not respectful. He is not open minded. He had moments of not controlling his anger. He came to blows with his ex girlfriend's' son and when I heard the story he was just all sorts of wrong in that situation. (They broke up a few years ago now and I was genuinely sad and disappointed for him. It likely would have been healthier had they not been living in her mother's home!)

The other irony is Art was SO GOOD at being my friend without any physical involvement when I first met him and he was my best friend then FOR MONTHS really supportive at the time of me figuring out if my marriage was salvageable. He was such a great help to me in trying to see and empathize with my husband's perspective.
(Male but also distinctly Italian and yes Catholic background perspective.... being an Italian Catholic as well.)

Ah but "Innocence lost can never be re-gained"

He can't go back to that patience! HA HA That self control...
Of course he can but just for some reason is so much HARDER now.

OK-so this was the thing that was so funny. I was reading the local paper where they vote on BEST OF in the area and I read BEST KAROKE
some weeks ago... I knew ART was frustrated and hurt and angry in that moment of our last fight too.. and knew once I was no longer angry at him that he too would get a level head and think it through and realize he was indeed being an ass.'

So...I had texted him the blurb on best Karaoke and said " Let's go sing Karaoke again"
or something like that.

So here I am driving home; and I see that SIGN on the dinky bar out West which happened to actually be near where Art lives; and its on this actually empty road with no cars on it- it's a side road that connects to the highway which I was not yet on.

And first I just laughed and thought I want to go there with Art someday. I had the urge to call him- I almost DID NOT do anything other than have that thought.... I had ALREADY actually made a call to see if my friend that runs the winery/egg business was OK with me swinging by to pick up eggs. but then I though..HELL its a LITERAL SIGN so maybe I should just call him now.
so I called and got his voice mail and laughed as I told him of the sign and said- "We have to go there someday"

I mean I am sure it would be a blast; and was thinking in future.

I then get a call a few minutes later and pick up and he says "I am just getting off work pulling out of the parking lot"

and it was the craziest thing.
I look up and I SEE I am literally PASSING the place works at.
I say "How weird- I didn't realize it but I just passed I MEAN I JUST PASSED like a second ago "

He happens to work off the road I was by then on at a church-- I mean it could not have been more of a sign as he say's
"I am literally just behind you!"

I mean of all the darn synchronicity.

We could not have planned that if we tried.

So I see a McDonald's at the next intersection and say
"So meet me at McDonalds' and we can chat over a cup of coffee"

He laughed.
And we met at McDonald's on a Friday Night as I told him "I have to keep you honest"
at which he laughed too.... and honestly...
it was the funniest thing. It was a GEORGOUS NIGHT but had gotten chilly Turned out the McDonald's closed right when we got there! I REALLY just wanted to walk and talk somewhere. But he was tired and not really up for that so we stood in that parking lot and hashed out our issues.

We parsed things out in detail; really clearly; heard each other; expressed. He gets it he is an ass

and reminds me of VERIZON ( my knickname for the guy I dated from there) Who said " ITs really simple. I can date a woman and be respectful and have boundaries and be a gentleman but don't come into MY CRIB if you are not going to sleep with me."

That is such an old school; outdated; OLD FASHIONED and NOT ACCEPTABLE position- except
I think if a guy tells you that up front and makes it clear then I think it is a guy setting HIS BOUNDARY of where his limits are and his self knowledge of his own self control, his own ability to handle frustration and rejection and awareness of his own ego and his failings

and so I respect both the honesty and the integrity of making that position REALLY CLEAR UPFRONT

So after some time; when we were not mad at each other anymore-

I did agree to accept the offer to go back to Art's to eat leftovers from his work thing. (He happened to have tons of good food! HA I WAS hungry by then.... really hungry actually)

And then we had just a magical evening. I mean we ate and then - this was so much fun-
We played guitar and sang.
Now I only know a few songs. But it was indeed the weirdest thing. I mean weird and wonderful- again that bizarre synchronicity.

I don't know that many songs. But my playing in part has been inspired by wanting to write my OWN MUSIC but also by wanting to be able to sing one of my favorite songs-
Hands by Jewel.

That phrase "Only kindness matters" is the one I think of as my mantra that I HOPED to instill in my children in raising them.

I have a distinct routine for playing guitar. The warm up song is the easy " WE are gonna be Friends" by Jack White.

So I started with that song. And Art started talking of 90s music; how he grew up listening to rock- 60s and 70s and I was like
and then he said in the 90s he discovered JEWEL and he was obsessed with her.

He said his daughter used to joke he was going to marry her.

It was just the funniest thing because this is something I did not KNOW about ART before AND
I am rather sure he did not know of my love of her music.
I recall listening to other music with him. I recall years ago he gave me a wonderful album of ...
oh gosh
A Goo Goo Dolls album... one of their newer ones (he was a romantic for sure- Let Love in- that's it... and that CD which starts off with this soulful "You are so Beautiful to me" ...
but I don't recall the sharing of Jewel's music. It might have been playing in my house when he was there way back when... possible... who knows..

but it was such a surprise as I only know a few songs; two of which I am working on being Jewel tunes as the first songbook I bought was hers.
(The 2nd a Fiona Apple one found at the thrift store! Criminal is on my list to learn)

I mean I could not have been happier than when I said
"Ah it just so happens this is the next song I was about to play! One of the few I know"

and I played and we sang "Who will save your soul?"

Art played the guitar ; we alternated it back and forth. He likes to play soulful Spanish type guitar but doesn't have the skill to match what he would LIKE TO DO- yet he just kinda picks it up and makes his way around the instument instinctively and by ear based on what he hears and IT SOUNDS GOOD!

He is definitely naturally gifted with music, art, creative energy.

So it was beautiful to her his very Mediterranean passionate music!


comes to mind.

It is just remarkable how EASY it is for us to be creative together. I mean it just flows- we both can play and sing without any sense of worry or holding back- no inhibition and no fear and just joy.

We have always had that dynamic of this incredible creative energy together.
Its really remarkable..

Heck a Real Love.

We all have many throughout our lives.

This one is between Art and me and is wonderful as we can be authentically ourselves; spend time together once in a while ( yes sometimes we fight; sometimes we don't)
but we are always honest and creative and do care about the other. The fighting is of course when someone is selfish and doesn't feel happy cause one person has an expectation that is more than the other can offer.

Anger arises when more concerned with self in the moment than concerned with the needs of the other. (Either can't or CHOOSES not to meet them and the other is not understanding)

Its wonderful when we can not be enmeshed but spend time joyfully and BOTH be happy and don't have that conflict arise.

then go to our lives
until we meet again.

And do that dance all over again... it will be moments of joy then moments of pushing boundaries and someone not being seen and someone not feeling complete and feeling ignored etc...


I am grateful however that this past Friday it was the unexpected joyful connection with creativity again! That sitting and playing the guitar and singing was really everything to me.

And the funny thing- when Art is creating; he too feels happy and yes I think in the moment of creation he feels happy and heard and loved and he does not need more.
He is not frustrated and discontent and yearning for more when he is creatively expressing him self through whatever medium of the moment it is. Its also when he is content focusing ON the other person. There is the irony!
I was so joyfully playing guitar and singing for him/with him , thrilled he was so delighted. It was so wonderful. I lost sense of myself in that paradoxical way and yet was fully present. Its that magical moment of love for another and letting go of your ego.

When we collaborate together there is this flow of somehow just each forgetting our individual selves while also more acutely feeling alive. Its hard to describe the erergy shifts that occur but they are palpable in us. We both do that with each other.
We just have great synergy when we get in motion of being creative together. Its something really special.

That was the surprised gift on the night of the Full moon. Quite unexpected full moon energy I suppose! But not in a chaotic way in the least. It was truly lovely.

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