2022-04-02 - 9:25 a.m.

Damn I hate being a shitty friend. A friend of mine called and we met up for dinner and it was such a wonderful time to reconnect.

Her son is taking an art class in town so she has to come into my town once a week and has free time during that time frame. I told her YES we can meet up each week then! I was so excited for this ' legitimately.
I So enjoyed connecting with her the one time a few weeks back

But. Then I FORGOT and made other plans. I headed to the pool to swim, went to a drum circle that night....connected with Art.

Thing is my friendship with her is as valuable and as important as that with Art! As a woman I need to carve out time for my women friends and prioritizes that as important, as essential and give as much energy to those friendships as I do to those with men ! That is a shifty thing to have not thought of HER first as I drove by where Art happened to be working and he popped into my head. REALLY. ITS LIKE the body pulls to the attraction of the lover...
So much stronger than to the friend.
Thing is she too lives RIGHT THERE. I forgot ALL about our plans and had texted her back earlier when she asked if I could meet her. But it did not occur to me to stop by HER house on that ride back from the drum circle.

The fucking biological pull.. swear the fact of physical attraction IS strong even when don't want to choose a relationship and necessarily go there.

I get that biologically. But cognitively and spiritually and emotionally my women friends are important and we need each other and value each other

Yet my brain. Yes. My thoughts literally will think of the guy friends first. Which is narcissistic when it is ego stoking cause I KNOW the guy friends want good sex more than good friendship so there is that she old tension and hurt and disappointment when as a PERSON I say I want them to value our friendship and they get upset I am not wanting sex and I get upset at feeling not valued for ME but just feeling objectified!

My beastie June and I had this conversation again how she had a male friend who acted supportive of the platonic friendship but once again it unraveled when they got frustrated and once again came to light there was a hope for some sexual interest on her part. She hot frustrated by increasing innuendo and then increasing rudeness not respecting her which seemed correlated to her male friend's frustration turned to anger she has no romantic or sexual interest in him. There rarely is on her part. She is the most old fashioned chaste person who does not play unless in a committed relationship. Yet I hear from men friends that have become mutual how they have felt played by her....
How her body language conveys interest to them
Mixed signals etc

I tell her , coach her, when she asks why this happens but ultimately it always comes down to in the end feeling like she can be conscious of the unspoken expectations and not pretend to be naive and not pretend to not manipulate men with her flirting

And that she CAN survive this world without doing that but for her when she is physically or mentally challenged in able to find sustainable work I know she will use her feminine wiles to have needs met if
A hot meal and
A place to stay until she lands her next income producing work and can provide for self. She exchanges only her companionship. She values herself much to know that is enough and she owes no man anything more.

But it's like she breaks the social code men have come to understand .
So I applaud her for that on so many levels
Yet
Feel like she IS playing some men.

She figures only the misogynistic fools and they deserve that in some way. True to an extent have to admidt. The REAL true friends never get angry with her and they continue to value her friendship so that is evidence enough her verbal setting of clear expectations of platonic only is easily understandable despite perhaps a physicality and what seems like flirtatious communication. If they pay attention she communicates with WOMEN friends the SAME. Quick to hug, touch, connect with warmness and openness.
Make no mistake she gives much in her friendships. If she is at someone's home she deep cleans and she cooks.Her language of love is acts of service. She will help with any and all tasks requested of her joyfully.

It hurts her more than some guys bruised ego when a guy friend turns out to NOT value her as a person but for if she were to be interested in a sexual relationship.

She is also very damn CLEAR in her VERBAL communication. And says. "Don't read into my dress my body language. I am Latino and sensual and grew up indigenous in a hot climate being comfortable in my body and freely express and I LOVE people but that is not an invitation that I am interested in sex with you and if you value my company -YES I will be pleased to accompany you and be a companion where you take me out bit NO it is not going yo end up with going yo bed with you."

Understood?

Men say YES

And she enjoys companionship
Until they don't enjoy it anymore as many were not bring honest.

She is unabashedly direct and honest.

Do when I share concerns of mutuals that we hear the discontent and say " be mindful of seeming to manipulate
Be mindful of if you go to a man's home if there us a mixed signal etc...
Be mindful of your attire..."

It ends up seeming a misogynistic commentary on MEN

I obsess on this topic as friendships with women are SO easy! Less complicated. I don't tend to attract women friends who are insecure or competitive with each other and most of my women friends have been long term over years.
Where I fail is initiating doing things to develop friendships and follow up up timely. I miss the social codes of taking turns initiating.

This is absolutely an ADHD thing. Just getting through a day getting normal things done is a challenge for those with ADHD
Being poor at connecting regularly...not being one to make phone calls. Part an introvert thing being super happy alone and actually wishing for more time home to relax and enjoy hobbies.

I mean I love learning new things, creating things, pursuing special interests on my own. I want to play guitar but don't find time to practice. I want to write but struggle with discipline to get anything finished. If I manage to get my responsibilities done would like to prioritize those goals.

Due to ADHD and perhaps other issues with executive functioning skills it is a challenge getting LIFE things...DAILY life skills tasks done timely

Add at times a chronic illness lack of energy thing....or sleep disorder thing....thankfully not a current issue but was very real in the past (college years and beyond) that contributed to not wanting to make plans with others. I am reticent to make plans that are a source of stress to try to keep. For example: when excessively tired I preferred to go out alone cause could do so for only one hr to the party I wanted to attend. I prefer to travel solo and not have anyone waiting on my arrival time so if I need to pull over and sleep I don'thave anyone calling and worrying and getting angry if I don'tcall to give updates. Even keeping track of my cell phone had been a huge challenge and sourcecof stress for me so I avoided that by not using one. Being a loner and antisocial often is just a way of avoiding serious challenges of a disability of some sort. Not with intent of hiding it really but moreso to avoid stressor of following social norms. The stressor of commitment avoided at any level! I have gotten better at not being avoidant and better at pushing through challenges.

I however was never a run with the pack socializer.

Heck I had no energy or patience for that.
Was working much and a non drinker so that also informed not socializing in groups. No patience to hang at a party til everyone gets a buzz on and gets over self consciousness

No I just preferred hit the dance floor to dance

then leave when tired.

In later years I definitely have had more energy than I had when younger!

In any case I called my girlfriend and hope we are still on for regular Fri night plans.

So bummed at myself I forgot about her.

True my ego was fed by interest from men who then did reach out to me. That is just a form of narcissistic behavior of liking their attention more. ( A date the one Fri night, then calling Art instead of her when I went to the drum circle.) Cause it puffs up sense of desirability etc...

So dumb.

Better to nurture myself and my friendship that will be sustained long term if I put energy into it. YES ART is one such friendship....not taking about him. That WAS a marvelous night ✨ spending time connecting with him..

He is the real deal.

But regardless it still bugs me I would think of Art before my gal friend!!!

The problem for me is men are more motivated to initiate. As one bad at initiating I do get more men who try to develop a relationship of sorts ( even if the hope is a fling on their part) than women. As an ADHD person attractive enough it is easy to let my social world be developed by the men initiators cause they ask me to go do things I enjoy IF I am not already actively carving out time MYSELF to get out and do those things alone OR if I am not initiating such with women friends.

I dated the DC guy cause we have so many similar interests. But I wonder 🤔 is that genuine? Or is he one of those who reads a person then offers what he thinks they are looking for. A chameleon?

He is on my mind as it strikes me as weird but not in this spiritually resonating sense of synchronicity that Julia Cameron speaks of that he has invited me to go do some things which are .. I mean, no other way to say it but almost sacred to me.

Maybe it's a trust issue 🤔 on my part? A me issue

But maybe it is a spot on instinct thing and there is something orchestrated, manipulative, researched and calculated in his moves. I don't know why my BS Rader is getting a vibe of disingenuous.

Whatever

All I know is I have to protect my energy, my boundaries and carve out self care time and be very conscientious about who I am willing to share my time and energy with.

This weekend turns out I work my part time job. Damn I forgot that. I spent much energy and time Mon and Tue on marketing for Arts org. It felt fulfilling as I love the work they do. But then I had intense work for my job on a project

I did not finish my work goals by Fri. Some have real deadlines that ARE NOT flexible. Work to perform and people to be paid contingent my piece of the puzzle of a project finalized!!

I tool a nap at 5pm thinking after getting sleep 😴 COULD then finish my work.(I was SO tired by Fri afternoon. I had insomnia Thu night!! Could not sleep so bought some penny stocks. Lol. Likely a GREAT move!!) RARE anxious about work couple of days....so Fri after the afternoon nap I awoke at 7pm sent one email and was fried...still just exhausted so enjoyed dinner with my kids then went back to bed. My DC friend and the local friend winery owner both asked what I was doing Thu/ Fri. It's so funny those two men constantly reach out at same time... funny pattern. FRI I was happy to be homework! I honestly am still in the frame of mind I just don't want to date as can't imagine energy or time for it. When have down time want to be home enjoying my teen/ young adult. We had lots of leftovers so cleaned them out and had some banging tortilla bowls.

Chili. Leftover chicken with sautéed onions, 🌶 delicious seasonings. Recipes from Home Chef my kids complained were not that good made marvelous leftovers with tortilla chips, good cheddar and avocado salsa.

Yes I just needed this time of self care. The work will be there 7AM Mon morn and hope to have energy to get on line by then to be back at it. Ce la vie . I can only do the best I can.

And I believe, even if my work is not as FAST as some would like I am convinced it is quality and find it hard to believe there could be anyone faster than me with the quality I deliver I the end. I show the messy process perhaps too much...but again

Ce la vie.

I know I am serving them well.

I wrote as sitting on my room catching rays for Vit D. Now onto call as finally figured out my local pharmacy been going to does not take the new ( as of Jan) insurance plsn for my one kid and I.

Other kid on Dad's plan but he dropped the one identified publicly as a trans person.

Happy this week I also took my kid to one specialist in DC to find YES that specialist takes the insurance!! Whoops hoo

Oh yeah. Again typical week o. To open work etc of Healthcare apps and pharmacy runs and calls etc helping kid manage chronic illness.

On that note I leave you with this: look up Sick Woman Theory for a great read sharing one disabled queer person's perspective of navigation of the world.

Very informative and interesting and might help others understand that this is not a marginal view. The original essay was translated into many languages and took off on a life of its own after being turned down by many publications. Much to learn by reading it as it clearly resonates with many.

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