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2022-04-10 - 7:02 a.m.

Morning Pages are best in long hand.
One of the ladies in the fabulous Artist Way Group I started which is going really well happens to be a professional Occupational Therapist.
She cited the studies of how cursive writing engages both parts of the brain

Pretty fascinating- that in typing that connection to both parts of brain is not the same.

As an OT she is disappointed that cursive has been removed from curriculums but convinced in time that it will be returned as more and more kids are not developing the social skills, are emotionally having more issues with regulation etc....
and she things these problems are in fact distinctly related to some degree to the time spent on computers and screens and the lack of time in the brain being engaged in activity that develops skills...

Interesting that as an OT much of her work helps kids with emotional regulation in the end.

So I need to get a new paper journal. Write of very personal things here with intention as :

Hell we are all human and I know the things I experience and go through are not foreign to MANY but few TALK or even ADDRESS the tough topics--

so hey if it helps even one other person I can make myself vulnerable.

And because I believe one should choose their actions in life whereas they are never ashamed of them.

That is really what living your truth with integrity is all about. When we WRITE about our actions there is the acts of analyzing them- so if there is a moment of OUCH I am a bit ashamed of that... I can do better... it helps one to GROW and move forward to not make the same mistakes.

Its easier to process the harder things by venting. But really my style of writing is first and foremost for me as the emotional dump to let go and move on. I like the tapping of keys on keyboard and feel like that has its own meditative element, so hearing and learning the SCIENCE of why longhand works is so interesting...

I did some online shopping at Walmart of placing an order to be picked up simply as I was too tired and did not feel like doing the shopping run last night. So after church today I will go pick up that order.

I just charged the darn order so there are more snacks in the house for the kids. We have the bare bones necessities- I have ingredients for healthy meals. There is nothing LACKING so we can all eat well. But what is lacking is anything EXTRA and therefore it FEELS Like food insecurity-
I suppose it is in a way

Speaking with my oldest who spoke of what it was like growing up in the farmhouse where no one was recognized as an individual and even FOOD was controlled and portioned out

As it is when live in say Dicken's orphanage-- you are given your bowl of oatmeal and trained to be grateful for it

What you want MORE?

My oldest reminded me that we were being conditioned to not ever ask for more
to not ever ask for ANY HELP

It was not allowed and seen as weakness

And we were all being trained to survive in what was an actual alternate reality

She basically said TRAUMA therapy is so essential and asked if I had ever undergone it.

I was talking about how I did not realized the anxiety and fear the youngest had in asking a friend for a ride.
Turns out my oldest experiences this too.
She just never really discussed it with me.

So she conveyed how she has those moments. And how they are helped by trauma therapy to recognize that we all were in this very abusive environment where there really was such de-valuing and no space for anyone else to assert self safely.

So the thought of asking anyone ELSE for anything is terrifying

We talked of how interesting it is- the brain survival mode for trauma and actual threats
is to remember the negative more strongly than the positive in order to SURVIVE.

So we spoke of how it is really apparent in some of the kids who even after living HERE for years have this perception of there NEVER BEING ENOUGH FOOD in this house

I went shopping to be sure there are some of those snacks This week I had made popcorn and I make a point of actually pulling out the apples and slicing them and taking out the oranges and peeling them and putting then on a plate and offering them to my teens

as it is so weird-
they will eat the food if I prepare and put it in front of them
but they WILL NOT go into the fridge to ever grab a piece of fruit.


I mean when they get hungry they will just not eat if all that is left requires ANY Preparation.

They will grab the SNACKS that are easy-
Granola bars
(Darn that is what I forgot) I just got a couple bags of chips and pretzels and Cheez Its and crackers and cheese.

OH they will get cheese from the fridge! HA HA the one dairy item they will pull from fridge. Oh and hummus! YES that too...

But it is clear they have such issues with food.

and this is directly correlated to the fact of food being hyper controlled. And even after I LEFT the younger kids were still going back and forth to a home where it was still like that.

Heck even supernanny who is- well SUPER with little kids, herself has food issues and they are clearly in part as SHE spent time in an orphanage and then was adopted and always reminded what a financial burden she was and how expensive it was to feed her. She peaks of that and wants to study nutrition after realized she has been malnourished during parts of her life.

AND THEN being a single mom I have moments of YES the budget being tight and I try to NOT use credit cards to buy groceries. I tried to not go into debt to feed my family.

Although just two months ago I STOCKED UP and did a Walmart run where I bought TONS Of snacks and I actually stored away a half dozen bags and then brought them out a few at a time. I wanted to be sure there was always this supply of ready to grab food in an attempt to have the teens NOT FEEL food insecure.
Cause YES as a single mom at times they HAVE BEEN in this home.

Cause if a little kid and there is a meal but it is only fish and broccoli and you as a little kid FOR SOME REASON just can't stomach that

well that DOES count as food insecurity.

When the kid is not eating and there is nothing else.

Whether it is caused by actual conditioning. trauma
a wired brain being different

IT can't just be judged that it is that own kids damn fault for being picky

Picky eating goes deeper and is more complicated than that. It is a trait found in kids with Autism

and I think AUTISTIC PEOPLE They grow up to be adults but many STILL have the same food issues of actual intolerance to certain foods/textures/resistance.

There are actual food therapists to work on that.

I discussed that with my youngest-
but again you have to have energy/time/ resources to undergo intensive therapy.

But I was reminded I DO have the blessing of time and insurance.

HELL the intent to only work part time and NOT full time was in order to have time for all the family needs to be met. So I could easily without stress have a situation where I can work when and how I want so my family needs can be met- so I can shuttle the kids all over the place to all the medical specialists they need.

SO I have done that- but it was like I triaged and prioritized and the autism diagnosis then POTS diagnosis then healthcare for dysphoria in one took priority, with psychiatric care-
but the missing piece has been a therapist for the youngest AND ME.

YES my oldest is spot on.


My autistic young adult here said it a year ago that they wanted to find a trauma therapist as all the talk therapists over the years were worthless.

Their words-
but essentially the oldest just said the SAME THING. That nothing was really helpful to them but the trauma therapy.

AH Of course- my therapist FRIEND provided that to me YEARS AGO

and YES it was helpful.

But as my oldest pointed out it doesn't matter how long ago you experienced the trauma and you don't even have to TALK about the trauma- Trauma affects the body in distinct KNOWN WAYS and there are therapies know that help tremendously.

Kinda like how cursive re-wires the brain. EMRD was thought to be experimental 20 yrs ago but the research has shifted it out of that category.

AGAIN Lucky my friends-- heck TWO of them did that with me. LOL I almost forgot.

YES lucky for me years ago I had that help in the throughs of crisis.

So to add to today's TO DO:
follow up with dermatologist to do biopsy for one kid
look for trauma therapists

I found one last night literally across the street at a medical center. Could not be closer

But look for one taking our insurance.

And consider private pay if hard to find one- hell the one close may be the best choice for my kids. They can walk there ( it is really close enough) I would drive them but if they start and are finding it helpful and they are feeling well enough to go and WANT to go having a therapist they COULD walk to would be great. ( I mean it is a walk no further than their school. True with POTS both now get driven and both don't like to walk - but heck with trauma therapy that could be improved too. YES it is physical but the psychological and the physical affects of their brain and bodies FROM TRAUMA undoubtedly HAD Affected their physical and made the POTS worse.)

Even if a genetic predisposition some traumas trigger disease.
Treat the trauma and the body sometimes can heal better than if not treating it.

But today FINISH Taxes!! ( not done ! It really won't take long for me to wrap it up today I don't think. Just HAVE To do it after church!)

Today is Palm Sunday. I am looking forward to our church Palm Sunday Service.

I want to clean house and decorate a bit and try to make it cheery for Easter.

I am disappointed it seems few tulips came up. I am hoping that the later season ones survived and the lack of them is not cause something ATE those bulbs. I know they did not rot as the daffodil bulbs all survived and those came up beautifully!

I think I am at the point where I give up on trying to have beautiful tulips every year. It is too expensive as those just do not come back year after year as I hoped they would. I instead will buy a TON OF daffodils since those DO survive. NEXT year... next FALL I think I will just get all sorts of daffodils varieties. They survive for more than one year.

LAST year I had a BEAUTIFUL backyard FULL Of tulips!! I was missing only one color- blue.
I literally had popping red, and orange and yellow and they were so lovely. NONE came up ! Maybe there are some later season ones??

But they were not cheap to put in the prior Fall. I invested figuring they would come back year after year. I amended the soil and fed the bulbs.

There were holes. A vole? A mole ?

SOMETHING eats tulip bulbs is my assessment. It happened in my front yard in the past.
BUT they do not like the daffodil bulbs thankfully- whatever has been fed off the tulips. I can't afford it just now so throw out every gardening magazine and ad. BUT NEXT YEAR I will have lots more flowers again!

I am super happy I had thrown in the daffodil bulbs as an afterthought. I really did what I thought was just SILLY At the time some months back. I filled out a publisher clearing house thing... LOL figured why the hell not. THEN I bought those daffodil bulbs. Wouldn't you know they are now the ONLY FLOWERS in the back yard??

SEriously the silly purchase I thought was an overpriced waste of money

is the one I am grateful for this Spring.

I bought them cause it was EASY To do then. And I knew if I didn't then I would not have those flowers . I thought they were EXTRA I thought I don't NEED these but thought I am worth it to get as many flowers as I want and can find space for as I LOVE FLOWERS and they make me happy.


The two tiny patches of yellow daffodils make me happy when I go out or look out in my backyard.

The other thing I bought were blue tulips. (From some gardening place- Brecks I think. I KNOW those were mid or late season bulbs. They were the only new tulips put in this past Fall to supplement the rest of what I expected to still be there. MAYBE those survived? Maybe they were put in after some visitor took out the others?

Will see... I am hopeful and have something to hope and look forward to in my back yard at least. That is a good thing as not in the position to go and buy more flowers just now. Need to wait a bit and catch up financially and save fevery penny after bills or the FALL tuition help that surely will be needed for the one college student! (And possibly more if they other two get motivated to apply!)

and have to prioritize and buy snacks.

YES It actually is important.

My kids have to get over the feeling of food insecurity.

My youngest bonded with a friend as she said they have some similar experiences. She said " Don't take it personally- I am not judging or tying to be mean- but we kinda bonded cause his parents have some issues so like me they don't always have enough food in the house and we can talk to each other"

That kids parents have issues with alcoholism and one is a gambler.
Her friend's parents often go out and are just not around.
I said "I get it! As even if not around cause working all the time; even if just cause you are in a single parent home - yes you have had food insecurity and it sucks. I wish I could have done better."

[I hate when typing and weird things happen- the below paragraph was written earlier and somehow ended up moved? whatever..... the seeming ADHD aside... out of place- got dropped here:

One college student took it upon herself to get excellent medical care. Best thing she did was just prioritize her health, talk to her teachers and school counselors and went in patient for a few weeks then came out with a really solid support system of outpatient care. It was so MATURE and RESPONSIBLE and something she felt helped tremendously.]

main point here EVEN when there actually IS FOOD in the house My kids STILL Feel food insecure. I once inventoried everything here when one of the college students was home and complained there was no food in the house.
I mean the list of provisions WAS LOONG...
but it did not have the salty snacks.

We have had battles over that,,,,

and my oldest pointed out

That is a trauma response.

The reality is not what is experienced. There is the alternate reality of the conditioning and what the person then brings with them to how they see the world.

So for one of mine there will never be enough

Until they deal with their trauma.

BUT for me I can try my hardest to provide ABUNDANCE
to make these kids have a sense of SECURITY
to try to set up such stability and try to re-train the brain that they are in a safe place of both shelter and food and do NOT NEED TO WORRY
and do not need to be in the hyperkinetic survival state all the time.
The state of hyperarousal all the time.

FACT That triggers POTS.

SURE it is physical but make no mistake trauma is a trigger that brings it on.

For some...

it can my just physical trauma A VIRUS

but psychological can be a trigger too.

SO both should be addressed.

Off to chruch as that is what I can do now for me.

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