2022-04-18 - 10:06 p.m.
Today I finally picked up that Valtrex prescription.
Well.... at least I have a 60d supply. Because the study that shows Valtrex reduces incidence of active virus in a positive person by about 75%; and reduces possibility of transmission to a partner ( when also advised using condoms by the way!) by 50%
are with 500 mg daily.
AND my OB/GYN had prescribed 500mg Daily ( and so based on everything I read that is really all I need.)
I think that is OK as I have a physical scheduled in July.
Makes no sense.
OK now perhaps I will stop obsessing about this topic.
I mean really.
The one I reamed out for not disclosing his partners til AFTER we were together was very apologetic and took it really well when I said not interested in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him at all moving forward. I really just want to maintain a friendship with him and was happy he is totally content with that. I think he is genuinely happy to have me as a friend to get women advice from. (Which is what I had been in the role of until late but for some reason there was this moment of us both just kinda falling back into the old pattern I think... and yeah it was pretty good. But we are still just not that into each other!! Despite a fun moment.)
Its ALWAYS been easy to talk to Art about anything. I had this moment of revelation that my reluctance to be involved with Art romantically is less fear of me breaking his heart and more fear of ME falling fast and deep and getting My heart broken from him....
Cause there has always been this remarkable quality of the connection we have BUT it was NOT a good idea in the past for us to have a relationship
and I realize it was actually very informed by MONEY
I realized this when talking to OTHER people and telling them to follow their dreams and worry less about money but more about doing what one loves with passion and being able to trust and rely on the actual universe and world and support and love of others to be.
OTHER things were what got in the way or our marraige being healthy
It was not anything to do with money
We always had enough.
That is the key- just live simply TOGETHER and it can work out.
the source of stress was internal stuff of each of us-
That realization is a bit eye opening. I mean I fucking modeled for other artists in a way as I wanted to keep creating beautiful art and do that work without it being connected to the creative bursts Art and I had together. I wanted that for ME alone without yearning to be collaborating with him.
I have this artistic project completely envisioned in my head... but then thing is I think I may not actually be able to create it...
But he is also so clear the artist ALWAYS keeps the professional space. The artist DOES NOT get involved with the model
BUT FOR if the artist is in love and then the lover may then be the model.
And he has worked with live models professionally many a time. ( many if not most professional portrait artists or photographers do at some point)
But he didn't win awards like he did with the painting of me....
He did share that with me
HOWEVER He really thought when he met her he had his soul mate. He thought he found the love of his life with whom he was going to grow old. I was so happy for him as I felt he had as well! I SO wanted to see him grow into a marriage with her and a beautiful life together.
Its been a couple years at least now since that happened; at least two- maybe longer.
Problem I have seen with Art is he gets enmeshed and then he does everything for his partner and gives up on his dreams. But he also gets lazy and not motivated enough and then he doesn't follow through on the things that would most help HIM get ahead. Then he blames the demands of the relationship and all he has done for his partner. Those are HIS issues as even when alone he doesn't find time for his art. He then throws himself into the traditional job he took and has not time nor energy left for his own creation. He jsut SHOULD NOT be working a 40 hr a week traditional job!
I swear he is not meant to be doing that! UNLESS his 40 hr a week work IS HIS ART.
He seems to me also afraid to take risks. He runs out of energy. He does only what he has to do and nothing more (and that ends up being for the other person or his job- for honoring commitments but not for HIM). He seems to cling to the familiar and known rather than venture out and try something new that is an unknown. I try to just be supportive and not judgmental but if someone is not choosing to grow and is kind of stagnant I for some reason have trouble NOT judging. I know that is MY issue and that is about me and not the other person!
But as for the relationship with me- Art will come around if I need help with something in the professional role. He is great at boundaries then when I hire him on a job! Time and time I have hired someone and they did crappy work and I ended up being in touch again and had Art come do a job. I had him rip out and completely re-do the really crappy front door frame rebuild that I had another guy do. The work was shoddy and a couple years later I had Art re-do the whole front door with a new one that was larger and he re-did the carpentry. He built me a nice shelf window actually. The quality of his work and his craftsmanship are outstanding. (He is after all and Italian craftsman... and artist... and yes they are know for this I think.)
But unless it is for a job and keeping that professional boundary... Art never interacts with me or comes around when he is in a relationship.
He is much more self aware and self disciplined and smarter in his choices than say Dr. Fauci who has cheated on women his whole damn life.
Art is the faithful committed type of guy who is honorable in his relationships as far as being monogamous.
He is also really attentive and loving
Art at least doesn't go off and sleep with someone else when he feels like that! Which is the pattern I learned was exactly what both my Buffalo guy AND Dr, Fauci have repeatedly done in their relationships.
I realized something that is also similar about those two... and this really just dawned on me again.
Being his son who grew up with him as his Father-
At the time I also did not want to be talking to him about his relationship. I basically just listened but refuse to give my opinion at all! I just listened as he vented.
Fauci was like "Hell no I am not going to talk to my son about my relationship!"
OK; and I don't mean to be pushy....
BUT he does have boundary issues and has been challenged with pushing boundaries. Who better than FAMILY to help one see their issues?
Art too has boundary issues. He at least apologizes later as at least he recognized when he was wrong and then was careful to articulate how he FELT and what led to his behavior. The problem I have is it seems a bit too much like blaming and not taking full accountability still...
I mean he did it right after we had it out over the boundaries issue.
I can go over to his place and hang out in the MAIN HOUSE with him and his Dad ( if his Dad is around! Or just him.)
After his break up with his fiancé he moved in with his Dad.
But going back to Art's apt- which is a separate apartment away from the main house-
I mean it is just all too inviting and then the interest of him ...
Ok we have the ground rules clear.
And it is clear he will be happy to be with me whenever I wish.
He has totally worked on that.
He GETS it and himself said
OH my... music to my ears when a man can SEE himself....
to which I say "Maybe??? I think so..."
all this long rant to say
After I got the STD test RECENTLY to just confirm all I KNEW was going on and be sure no additional surprises
THREE past lovers of mine heard an earful AND I listened to them too; and the young lover...
Somehow opportunity arose to engage in those conversations arose pretty easily and I just went with the opportunity for each...
Authentic honest communication and connection takes work.
So there is that...
Just not really into flings just for the fling and the sheer pleasure of it. I find that might be fun for a short while... but it loses the thrill if there is no substance developed.
Pretty sure my rant perhaps scared away the young lover!! HA HA (At least for today. He was talking of wanting to come over and quickly lost interest when I went off about my boundaries and expectations! HA Those conversations come across kind of nuts over text but if someone doesn't give the courtesy of a phone call and texts interest in sleeping with me they WILL get the text rants then! Well-deserved and important. You can't AVOID communication about that if you want to go there with me...)
So pretty sure I scared him off.
Ah... as intended. I don't want to be caring about the young lover unless he wants to show up in person.
I can't be in a relationship with a man who is going to REJECT the existence of my very family categorically as people worthy of respect.
So I took the lover who I WAS aligned with in all those items- the DC guy who honestly just didn't have real chemistry with. Its so weird and annoying that the opposites attract thing seems so damn true! I feel like the DC guy was just too much alike for me. So aligned it seemed-- but for SPIRITUALLY and it turns out and that is the deal breaker for me.
I mean so in a real way falling for him is what necessitates me not wanting to be with him at this point.
YES so when risk of being hurt as when neit will open up but keep things superficial works for hedonistic relationships!
In an effort to be more aligned and live authentically basically
Hell I guess I was Ok if he was coming OVER to do that...
But for me it has to be an in person kinda thing!
Because when something is REAL you don't need to name it or have a commitment as a real connection for me is enough. The body doesn't lie... the eyes don't lie...
This not showing up for extended months is not something I am willing to do however. I need more REAL than just that! ( and deserve much more!)
AND I am trying to NOT have that kinda just fling thing...
Basically the young fella is not going to help ME grow.
I can go there...
In an honest self inventory and assessment
I have no issue NOT having a lover. For me the choice to have a lover in any of these men was one that was made when it was mutually beneficial and clear neither of us would be hurt but both enhanced by that kind of relationship.
The thing for me is I think that choice for me just blocks me from actual growth beyond my own fear of commitment.
OK so all this to say...
So each is helpful in healing to a degree
So where does that leave me?
It being April
thinking as I have written
"Everyone Falls in love in April"
Well OK, maybe not everyone. Maybe it is just a ME thing.
I fall in love in April.
I WANT To be in love in April
and it is something far greater than me
So last April it was the young lover who came my way ( and yes that was amazing as then we met in person and it was real and it was not just this hedonistic self serving thing but the surprise of the April falling ... predictable, cyclical, may be observable in any species... or most...
What the hell IS GOing ON?
it is so big
So we control it
that is the pattern I see
At least in me and with the complicity of a partner in crime
Yes I realize not everyone falls in love in April
I want that alignment of both. I want that physical manifestation of connection to actually be of love not merely of pleasure
Not in the sense of LOSS of self but rather in the sense of losing one's ego
So this April I feel like I don't want to be sharing my self intimately with anyone who is not in love with me!
YES whether consciously or unconsciously
there HAS to be that actual alignment
to being willing to take that leap of faith and trust.
So if there is not that mutuality
Basically if I take a lover
and it there is not genuine love in return it has to end.
Because I love myself enough to know I am worthy of nothing less that actual love from a partner.
So as for me- My Spring cleaning has been in full force. Cleaning up the relationships to be sure there is clarity of purpose and alignment of expectations and behaviors and my friends know they are friends and honored as such and only as such
and if a lover remains
We can't ever go back to try to capture what once was. We can only move forward. So old lovers who are like an old comfortable sweater that can be pulled on to stay warm and reassured in their familiarity may have their place
Some have been there , I mean for literally OVER YEARS as we are a comfort to each other in the time of being
And that has been good.
I feel however in my life I want to take that leap of seeing if I let a shoot grow without cutting it back , to see what it develops into.
Its like each of these lovers has been a plant in my garden of my life.
but if one starts to overgrow beyond what I can support- I have to cut it back
So just now I am feeling this pull to nurture and feed one in particular.
For some reason it feels like this is time for this growth. Not sure if it will be just an annual blossoming....
I just feel like I have to give it a change with attention and purpose and needed to kinda do the weeding to pull out the other distractions and shoots that were also absorbing time and energy and my resources.
I only have so much to give.
Its much riskier to put all my energy and hope into ONE!
But I am feeling that.
Writing is my process of discernment itself.
OF thinking things through and decisioning at times.
Back to bed.
Now that the weeks of the EMOTIONAL and relationship Spring Cleaning feels complete...
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