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2022-04-18 - 10:06 p.m.

Today I finally picked up that Valtrex prescription.
It says
500mg Twice a day for 30 days
No refills.


Well.... at least I have a 60d supply. Because the study that shows Valtrex reduces incidence of active virus in a positive person by about 75%; and reduces possibility of transmission to a partner ( when also advised using condoms by the way!) by 50%

are with 500 mg daily.

AND my OB/GYN had prescribed 500mg Daily ( and so based on everything I read that is really all I need.)

I think that is OK as I have a physical scheduled in July.
But really, why the heck couldn't they just call in refills for something that should be taken regularly and consistently?

Makes no sense.

OK now perhaps I will stop obsessing about this topic.
I literally went off about this to every lover I have had.... ha ha...

I mean really.
The poor guys

The one I reamed out for not disclosing his partners til AFTER we were together was very apologetic and took it really well when I said not interested in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with him at all moving forward. I really just want to maintain a friendship with him and was happy he is totally content with that. I think he is genuinely happy to have me as a friend to get women advice from. (Which is what I had been in the role of until late but for some reason there was this moment of us both just kinda falling back into the old pattern I think... and yeah it was pretty good. But we are still just not that into each other!! Despite a fun moment.)

Its ALWAYS been easy to talk to Art about anything. I had this moment of revelation that my reluctance to be involved with Art romantically is less fear of me breaking his heart and more fear of ME falling fast and deep and getting My heart broken from him....
because he may not
or it would not work for us...

Cause there has always been this remarkable quality of the connection we have BUT it was NOT a good idea in the past for us to have a relationship

and I realize it was actually very informed by MONEY
or lack thereof
I mean he is and was an ARTIST first and foremost. Yet it broke my heart to see him working so much for others' dreams and not have time and energy to create his art. I feel like he is meant to be the artist that creates that beauty in this world.

I realized this when talking to OTHER people and telling them to follow their dreams and worry less about money but more about doing what one loves with passion and being able to trust and rely on the actual universe and world and support and love of others to be.
I mean I was counseling my adult children to worry less about where they are at financially but to trust their love when in relationship to be strong enough
to not wait until READY To take that leap of faith of commitment with passion to both the things in life they want for themselves; the work they feel called to do OR the relationship they want with their partners. I mean for them in their late 20s I was counseling against Fear of Commitment-
both against fear of being willing to commit fully to the life you want ( knowing it is not going to be lucrative at first but stick with it and do what you love DON"T SELL OUT.... don't take the job with more money if it does not allow you to create when compelled and called to create...
I guess what my philosohy professor said. He said "I am a philosophy professor because I just could not do anything else. It was the only choice I had to be happy as I was so called to do this."
I mean my kids have CLEAR callings of what they are drawn to and what they want to do and create and be in this world. I encourage them to stick to that vision with passion and believe and keep doing THAT WORK even if counter culture, Even if it seems crazy,,,
the money will follow if you do the work you love. Your energy will be sustained.
I also feel like if the relationship you are in is the RIGHT ONE grownded on the most important shared values- well don't wait until you are financially stable to commit to each other.
I feel like to do so is damn foolish.
I still think the best thing I DID was commit to my love; to my first husband fully when we WERE YOUNG without concern or worry about finances to the point of stangnation and not growing together.

OTHER things were what got in the way or our marraige being healthy

It was not anything to do with money


We always had enough.
Even a little bit is enough if you live within your means.

That is the key- just live simply TOGETHER and it can work out.
I mean really in hindsight there were no issue because of the fact of small income combined. That was not the source of stressors.

the source of stress was internal stuff of each of us-
Expectations perhaps
Others view as perceived by us
(not necessarily even real but the PERCEPTION had of others informed by mental illness... depression.. really alcoholism at the root;..
the dependence on escaping by an alcoholic...
I mean that imposed view of WHO needs to be the provider.
Hell I never thought the provider need be the man
Hell I was happy to be married to a musician
Was HAPPIEST when the lover of mine was so driven to create with passion. THAT is what I fall in love with! That singular focus and the birthing or what comes out of it!
The amazing creative alchemy of the artist at work.

That realization is a bit eye opening. I mean I fucking modeled for other artists in a way as I wanted to keep creating beautiful art and do that work without it being connected to the creative bursts Art and I had together. I wanted that for ME alone without yearning to be collaborating with him.

I have this artistic project completely envisioned in my head... but then thing is I think I may not actually be able to create it...
I was trying to learn the skills to create it
trying to see if I could actualize it
and then I had the realization this is again because my vision really was of a collaboration was WITH Art! and that was really want I wanted to create
BUT he is not interested
HE said the idea of the project is not what he would want to focus on if we collaborate...
he likes the idea of collaboration.

But he is also so clear the artist ALWAYS keeps the professional space. The artist DOES NOT get involved with the model

BUT FOR if the artist is in love and then the lover may then be the model.

And he has worked with live models professionally many a time. ( many if not most professional portrait artists or photographers do at some point)

But he didn't win awards like he did with the painting of me....
which he burned at insistence of his ex...

He did share that with me
He should have just painted over that canvas....

HOWEVER He really thought when he met her he had his soul mate. He thought he found the love of his life with whom he was going to grow old. I was so happy for him as I felt he had as well! I SO wanted to see him grow into a marriage with her and a beautiful life together.
I respected his relationship and he was very good at just keeping in touch with a phone call to touch base once in a long while over those years in relationship with his girlfriend who then became a fiancé....
until they had issues and she called it off.

Its been a couple years at least now since that happened; at least two- maybe longer.

Problem I have seen with Art is he gets enmeshed and then he does everything for his partner and gives up on his dreams. But he also gets lazy and not motivated enough and then he doesn't follow through on the things that would most help HIM get ahead. Then he blames the demands of the relationship and all he has done for his partner. Those are HIS issues as even when alone he doesn't find time for his art. He then throws himself into the traditional job he took and has not time nor energy left for his own creation. He jsut SHOULD NOT be working a 40 hr a week traditional job!

I swear he is not meant to be doing that! UNLESS his 40 hr a week work IS HIS ART.

He seems to me also afraid to take risks. He runs out of energy. He does only what he has to do and nothing more (and that ends up being for the other person or his job- for honoring commitments but not for HIM). He seems to cling to the familiar and known rather than venture out and try something new that is an unknown. I try to just be supportive and not judgmental but if someone is not choosing to grow and is kind of stagnant I for some reason have trouble NOT judging. I know that is MY issue and that is about me and not the other person!

But as for the relationship with me- Art will come around if I need help with something in the professional role. He is great at boundaries then when I hire him on a job! Time and time I have hired someone and they did crappy work and I ended up being in touch again and had Art come do a job. I had him rip out and completely re-do the really crappy front door frame rebuild that I had another guy do. The work was shoddy and a couple years later I had Art re-do the whole front door with a new one that was larger and he re-did the carpentry. He built me a nice shelf window actually. The quality of his work and his craftsmanship are outstanding. (He is after all and Italian craftsman... and artist... and yes they are know for this I think.)

But unless it is for a job and keeping that professional boundary... Art never interacts with me or comes around when he is in a relationship.
That makes sense based on his personality...
he manages himself and his behaviors by avoiding temptations. He knows himself and therefore doesn't play with fire.
I have to admire him for that.

He is much more self aware and self disciplined and smarter in his choices than say Dr. Fauci who has cheated on women his whole damn life.

Art is the faithful committed type of guy who is honorable in his relationships as far as being monogamous.

He is also really attentive and loving
HE needs to work on balance of not giving too much of himself away and not getting enmeshed in his partner! When I was talking to him about seeing friends so that he said
"You could be talking about me!"
(I was talking about Dr. Fauci actually,,, just in general not telling Art WHO I was describing just that is was frustrating to watch a friend not able to maintain the other friendships that I think are essential to remain healthy and a unique individual that ENTERS a relationship rather than one who get swallowed whole and lost in a romantic relationship with another to the extent the person loses their own sense of self.
YET he can struggle with selfishness and feeling entitled and romantically/sexually feeling abandoned if his partner is not interested in intimacy
EXACTLY As Dr. Fauci felt-
the feeling of abandonment.

Art at least doesn't go off and sleep with someone else when he feels like that! Which is the pattern I learned was exactly what both my Buffalo guy AND Dr, Fauci have repeatedly done in their relationships.

I realized something that is also similar about those two... and this really just dawned on me again.
Those two men BOTH are regular drinkers!
I think Dr. Fauci DOES drink regularly- if not as MUCH in volume as the Buffalo guy, I noticed just this week that indeed he is a regular drinker- and of some volume ( not as much as Buffalo guy and not obviously problematic but possibly so!) I just was innocently walking the dog when he put out his recycles- as recall Dr. Fauci is actually a neighbor! HA HA... somewhere close enough in MY TOWN that on occasion our walks really do happen to take us by his home! That just HAPPENED to randomly occur on a recent trash day. HE is also really fastidious about some things ( not others) but regular recycles to the curb one habit he is in. I think I never really noticed before but there was the actual empties so the visual of his weeks alcohol consumption was clear..... but he does have a few alcoholics in his family
A brother, a son....
another son with addiction concerns in past...
And I think I did recommend he talk to his son as there were some things he was dealing with that I though sounded like a problem of co-dependency in his romantic relationship
and also sounded like the typical alcoholic needing affirmation so then turning to the quick way to find a balm. . . the addictiveness of sex... another kind of addiction which some ignore....
and said perhaps his son who goes to AA might actually have some wisdom he can learn

Being his son who grew up with him as his Father-
and being a son currently going to AA
I suggested his son might have learned some things he can pass on which could help HIM.
I suggested not be afraid at this point to openly turn to his son who is in his mid thirties to seek HIS advice on some things. Cause I think he needs a good male perspective and frankly it sounds to me like that one son has addressed so much and may be one of the best people he could talk to.

At the time I also did not want to be talking to him about his relationship. I basically just listened but refuse to give my opinion at all! I just listened as he vented.
But basically, I also told Dr. Fauci I don't mind being there when he needs a friend to talk to but it can't be me if he is going to try to flirt and make a pass at me ( again); and that if he wants to maintain friendship then he needs to be able to DO things as friends without interest or hope for more. I just always advise him to get a therapist already; and get a couples counselor already to deal with his issues with his girlfriend WITH his girlfriend like a mature person should do.

Fauci was like "Hell no I am not going to talk to my son about my relationship!"

OK; and I don't mean to be pushy....
just an idea.....

BUT he does have boundary issues and has been challenged with pushing boundaries. Who better than FAMILY to help one see their issues?

Art too has boundary issues. He at least apologizes later as at least he recognized when he was wrong and then was careful to articulate how he FELT and what led to his behavior. The problem I have is it seems a bit too much like blaming and not taking full accountability still...
but at least he articulates his needs and his expectations.

AND Then he also MODIFIES his behavior accordingly.
He called the past couple of weeks asking
"Can I take you out for breakfast today?"
"I am running errands and can do them in your town. Are you interested in meeting for lunch?"

I mean he did it right after we had it out over the boundaries issue.
ART does listen and then modify his behavior and I listen to him and modify MINE fully aware of what is his clear boundary!

I can go over to his place and hang out in the MAIN HOUSE with him and his Dad ( if his Dad is around! Or just him.)

After his break up with his fiancé he moved in with his Dad.
It was in part to help him... but also in part because his Dad is aging and three years ago his mother passed away.

But going back to Art's apt- which is a separate apartment away from the main house-
and which is set up like a studio for now ( as he is in the middle of doing a renovation of the whole upstairs- Its got this great spiral staircase to what is intended to be the bedrooms- there are two upstairs)
as his BED is in the MAIN downstairs room and while yes he has a nice galley kitchen off to the side- them main room has a dining room table and chairs but then some shelves and a dresser and the big centerpiece his BED
I mean its just right there
NO comfy couch
not a TV but his laptop propped to be watched FROM his bed...

I mean it is just all too inviting and then the interest of him ...

well basically
we had it out and he made it crystal clear don't come over and go into THAT apt space with him unless and until I WANT to sleep with him

Ok we have the ground rules clear.

And it is clear he will be happy to be with me whenever I wish.
He is always ready...
I swear...
this guy has that particular gift.
NOT A BAD THING AT ALL When IN a relationship
as long as can communicate and he doesn't take it as rejection when his partner is not in the mood and says NO to his initiation.

He has totally worked on that.

He GETS it and himself said
"Maybe I have been narcissistic. Maybe I have had some unhealthy sense of entitlement"

OH my... music to my ears when a man can SEE himself....

to which I say "Maybe??? I think so..."

all this long rant to say

After I got the STD test RECENTLY to just confirm all I KNEW was going on and be sure no additional surprises
- I was on a roll with obsessing about consent and communication and having healthy boundaries in relationship and respecting each other and not being misogynistic....
and I had some great conversations
FOUR To be exact

THREE past lovers of mine heard an earful AND I listened to them too; and the young lover...
who I have not heard from in a while texted today.
Poor guy got the barrage of texts on this topic of ethical self and other care and duty to disclose..

Somehow opportunity arose to engage in those conversations arose pretty easily and I just went with the opportunity for each...

Authentic honest communication and connection takes work.
BUT yeah it is worth it.
Now the young lover is not looking for that genuine connection... I get that... well I am not going to engage in intimacy without a genuine relationship.

So there is that...
young lover will only get me cutting to the heart of things. I just can't do frivolous for too long...
Sure I am sex positive
But I am sex positive in the context of being in a relationship!

Just not really into flings just for the fling and the sheer pleasure of it. I find that might be fun for a short while... but it loses the thrill if there is no substance developed.
My long-term lovers always had substance to them- of a real friendship as the foundation with actual loving care for each other even if we did not choose a committed relationship.

Pretty sure my rant perhaps scared away the young lover!! HA HA (At least for today. He was talking of wanting to come over and quickly lost interest when I went off about my boundaries and expectations! HA Those conversations come across kind of nuts over text but if someone doesn't give the courtesy of a phone call and texts interest in sleeping with me they WILL get the text rants then! Well-deserved and important. You can't AVOID communication about that if you want to go there with me...)

So pretty sure I scared him off.

Ah... as intended. I don't want to be caring about the young lover unless he wants to show up in person.
Yeah In a real way interest in him was the antidote to my anger at the other men in my life I want to KEEP in my life but as friends, not lovers at times over the past year who frankly I had lost interest in intimacy because of other issues causing rifts for me: differing views on politics; race issues; lgbtq issues; religion etc...
I just was so sick of not being aligned with VALUES on all those issues/perspectives.

I can't be in a relationship with a man who is going to REJECT the existence of my very family categorically as people worthy of respect.
My family INCLUDES black people
My family INCLUDES disabled people
My family INCLUDES LGBTQ people

So I took the lover who I WAS aligned with in all those items- the DC guy who honestly just didn't have real chemistry with. Its so weird and annoying that the opposites attract thing seems so damn true! I feel like the DC guy was just too much alike for me. So aligned it seemed-- but for SPIRITUALLY and it turns out and that is the deal breaker for me.
The young lover then was the chosen lover simply as I wanted to be empowered to be the one to say YES to a man who UNDERSTANDS language of consent; who is not misogynistic;... who is interested but I also realize is one whom there was really not risk for ME of getting hurt.

I mean so in a real way falling for him is what necessitates me not wanting to be with him at this point.
True though
I deserve someone who finds me worthy of a relationship.
I can't waste my time on anyone who is not going to consider a relationship with me. Their reasons are not my concern.
I just value myself to know when something is not serving me and is not healthy to continue.

YES so when risk of being hurt as when neit will open up but keep things superficial works for hedonistic relationships!
BUT I in truth DO want more.

In an effort to be more aligned and live authentically basically
the fact that the young lover wants a sex buddy only, requires me to distance from him and not be in that role of just being hedonistically pleasuring each other.

Hell I guess I was Ok if he was coming OVER to do that...

But for me it has to be an in person kinda thing!

Because when something is REAL you don't need to name it or have a commitment as a real connection for me is enough. The body doesn't lie... the eyes don't lie...
sure, folks can lie with words but let me tell you when in person there is no masking strong enough to hide actual emotional connection and responsive feeling. Sorry it does not happen even when some try if there is something REAL there.

This not showing up for extended months is not something I am willing to do however. I need more REAL than just that! ( and deserve much more!)

AND I am trying to NOT have that kinda just fling thing...
I want something more substantial EVENTUALLY

Basically the young fella is not going to help ME grow.
I don't need growth to be sex positive and be able to enjoy sex and enjoy pleasure for pleasures sake without issues.

I can go there...
but what I DO need to overcome are MY BLOCKS to actual authentic relationship and my attraction to only those with fear of commitment issues.

In an honest self inventory and assessment
where does that leave me and the relationships I have had with the men in my life?
It leaves me very clear which are friends that I should not be intimate with- which relationships DO NOT have potential for more.
I should not be sexually involved with anyone unless there is actual possibility of the real growing more.

I have no issue NOT having a lover. For me the choice to have a lover in any of these men was one that was made when it was mutually beneficial and clear neither of us would be hurt but both enhanced by that kind of relationship.

The thing for me is I think that choice for me just blocks me from actual growth beyond my own fear of commitment.

OK so all this to say...
Each chosen lover is a kinda balm and a band aid against wounding
Each scratches an itch of wanting connection
but also the band aid of only addressing the surface need
not getting to underlying substance.
or the underlying woundedness either

So each is helpful in healing to a degree
but also each was chosen to avoid excavation of the underlying deeper reality of what I REALLY want
chosen to heal and soothe
but not go too far deep as it could be painful

So where does that leave me?

It being April

thinking as I have written

"Everyone Falls in love in April"

Well OK, maybe not everyone. Maybe it is just a ME thing.

I fall in love in April.

I WANT To be in love in April
when the humanness of this body awakens as it is the time of that cycle of procreation for animals in Spring and I am so very visceral and physically feel that pull

and it is something far greater than me
something so clearly outside of self
that stirs that within me

So last April it was the young lover who came my way ( and yes that was amazing as then we met in person and it was real and it was not just this hedonistic self serving thing but the surprise of the April falling ... predictable, cyclical, may be observable in any species... or most...
yet when it happens to we humans somehow it feels like a shocking

What the hell IS GOing ON?
That thing outside of ourself in this strong real way over which we can't really have much control
and it takes great effort to be in control

it is so big
and powerful and beyond our small selves somehow.

So we control it
we align it
we keep it in reign and under our command and make it small
diminish it
shape it
to be only that we are not threatened by.


that is the pattern I see

At least in me and with the complicity of a partner in crime
in love
of avoidance of falling deep
by making it about the transitory
the carnal and avoiding the spiritual deep connection.

Yes I realize not everyone falls in love in April
but YES everyone does seem to feel this animalistic pull to mate... to connect and procreate whether conscious or not
and some are pulled to that in the carnal
some in the spiritual as well
and some seek both

I want that alignment of both. I want that physical manifestation of connection to actually be of love not merely of pleasure
I want it to be intentional loving caring and seeking to serve the other
not self serving hedonistic seeking of my own pleasure

Not in the sense of LOSS of self but rather in the sense of losing one's ego
losing ones egocentricity and coming from a place of being truly grounded and fully aware of who one IS
of who I AM
and from a place of loving MYSELF and honoring MYSELF and knowing that
and I in fact am worthy of BEING LOVED

So this April I feel like I don't want to be sharing my self intimately with anyone who is not in love with me!
and with anyone whom I am not in love with!

YES whether consciously or unconsciously

there HAS to be that actual alignment
of the actions representing a real feeling; a real choice; a real commitment of sorts

to being willing to take that leap of faith and trust.

So if there is not that mutuality
I would rather be ALONE than have simply a lover who goes through sexual actions together.

Basically if I take a lover
I genuinely will LOVE the lover.

and it there is not genuine love in return it has to end.

Because I love myself enough to know I am worthy of nothing less that actual love from a partner.

So as for me- My Spring cleaning has been in full force. Cleaning up the relationships to be sure there is clarity of purpose and alignment of expectations and behaviors and my friends know they are friends and honored as such and only as such

and if a lover remains
it is because I am willing to truly love and take the risk of hurt by accepting only the same.
In all its messiness and vulnerability.

We can't ever go back to try to capture what once was. We can only move forward. So old lovers who are like an old comfortable sweater that can be pulled on to stay warm and reassured in their familiarity may have their place
BUT they don't have a place when it is time for growth UNLESS both are ready to grow.

Some have been there , I mean for literally OVER YEARS as we are a comfort to each other in the time of being
just being
where were have been at
Not ready for any growth and for something new to emerge.

And that has been good.
It is just fine-
when mutually are in the same place of not wanting further growth.

I feel however in my life I want to take that leap of seeing if I let a shoot grow without cutting it back , to see what it develops into.

Its like each of these lovers has been a plant in my garden of my life.
I let them each blossom and bloom and then cut back and prune and at different phases in different seasons one or the other grows

but if one starts to overgrow beyond what I can support- I have to cut it back
and if there is one I want to grow MORE
Well then it is time to nurture and feed and add some nutrients to the soil.

So just now I am feeling this pull to nurture and feed one in particular.

For some reason it feels like this is time for this growth. Not sure if it will be just an annual blossoming....
or a perennial...
but time indeed will tell.

I just feel like I have to give it a change with attention and purpose and needed to kinda do the weeding to pull out the other distractions and shoots that were also absorbing time and energy and my resources.

I only have so much to give.
when I don't WANT to invest in one I then intentionally nurture a few- so they each can offer some growth but none is a BIG RISK.

Its much riskier to put all my energy and hope into ONE!

But I am feeling that.
OK long ramble here over time-- as wrote a bit; then did other things and came back to it; then slept a bit; then awoke and wrote more.

Writing is my process of discernment itself.

OF thinking things through and decisioning at times.

Back to bed.
Spring cleaning has been productive!

Now that the weeks of the EMOTIONAL and relationship Spring Cleaning feels complete...
perhaps the rest of this week I can attack the house effectively! Its due- again! Deep cleaned a few weeks ago! Feels too soon.. yet due again! Spring also brings in all the leaves and fallen flowers from trees and seeds that get stuck on the dog then tracked through the house!

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