2022-04-24 - 8:07 p.m.

I am absolutely exhausted but in a good way. The party was super fun and as always a great success. My bestie really does know how to throw the best parties.

It was funny that Art did call and ask if I could pick him up. I had warmed up to the idea after the intial anxiety thinking it was going to be hard for me to be on time! I HAD to be on time as was meeting the two ladies I never met before in person.

However, I decided to bake banana bread as my contribution to the pot luck. That darn loaf of bread was still WET in the center after 45 minutes when it was intended to come out of the oven! It was so funny how long it was taking to bake through. I couldn't just LEAVE it so called ART and asked if he instead would come to my place while it still baked (rather than me heading his way as it was too late to do that AND be on time)- so he could catch a ride with me and I would then still be on time as I just did NOT have time to swing by and pick him up.

He had farm chores to do anyway before he could leave!
So he was trying to get them done and there was no way he was going to be ready anyway. I just texted the directions to him and said come join us anytime. I figured he would be a lovely honorary guest of our The Artist Way group if he wanted to pop into that meeting.

I got over the discomfort with that idea very quickly.

I was excited to meet the ladies but knew it would be FINE if he DID choose to join us. Thing is his presence would not create any filter in me. I am completely authentic with him always- and always have been so there would be nothing I couldn't talk about with him there. What my worry was concerned the comfort and dynamics of the other two ladies! We have been working on this for months now and have a really wonderful group. I didn't want THEM to be inhibited.

But I figured be open to possibilites of how thing happen and turn out and what is meant to be will be...
don't worry or try to control outcome so much.

It ended up being a really perfect day I think!
The ladies and I had a table under a pavillion which had a wonderful view and a quiet background guitar player. Kinda the typical retaraunt winery musician you imagine...
talented but not demaning attention. Quitely capable and steady playing for hours. The guy did set after set all afternoon. I once again was mortified at myself when I noticed the TIP jar and realized I had NOT thought to bring cash. THat winery better be paying a decent amount and the tips better be extra....

Cause the guy did his job exceptionally. Meaning it was really lovely and added to the ambience but not about the musician calling attention to himself- more setting up a space for those there to converse with each other.

He reminded me much of the best friend of my brother who is that kind of musician actually who makes his bread and butter performing.

The guy used to live with my brother. His whole livlihood had been music for well over twenty years ( maybe more?).

Our group was wonderful. I have work to do this week on the next chapter of The Artist Way. This is not a morning page- but evening as writing AFTER the long weekend, and a bit of a needed nap.
I already ate dinner and really will be asleep soon for the night!

We ended up deep in conversation for a couple of hours. It was around 4:15 or soon after when I left that one area of the winery and said farewell to my lady friends and then joined the party in the other outdoor section of the winery we were at where my best friend's party was happening.

I entered the pavillion and see that Art was there! He said he arrived maybe a half hour or so ealier. There were other acquaintences and friends there.

OH one of the most aweome things is one friend had gotten lost when trying to find the place and texted me just before I was leaving! I called her to find she was close by and said-" Come to my house and follow me"

It was perfect as had I left earlier to pick up Art I would not have been there to help her! She had her Dad and her kid with her and her GPS was not even showing this spot out in the boonies... so she was grateful I was home and she could follow me.

So I arrived at my friends party and kinda got settled in just at 4:30- and then realized I was scheduled to sing at 5pm. So I got up to go to my car and get my stuff.
I ran into a musician who had a great chat with and I recruited him to play his guitar for me.

Then I realized one of the few songs I had printed lyrics of and intended to play is an old Carter Family tune.

The pros of a bluegrass band were playing...
When I say PROS I mean actual PROS.

That was the funny thing. I said "Sure I will learn a couple songs to sing for you" but it then became clear the whole line up was actual GOOD professional musicians and there was an actual outdoor venue with a great stage and bar with seating of tables under a pavillion. It was a beautiful set up!

This is a highly rated spot for weddings! HA HA and here I am expected to go up there in between these pros of musicians...

SO I leveraged the line up well. I asked the Bluegrass band if when done they would mind playing one more song.
OF COURSE they knew the Carter Family tune! HA HA
Every bluegrass lover EVER has listened to them...

So I had the good fortune of not having to be insecure about my beginning guitar skills and just had a kicking back up band as I FACILITATED a sing along!

IT was kinda brilliant...
I had passed out lyric sheets to the couple of songs I know.
And got folks engaged...
so they were having fun singing and then it did not matter AT ALL if I was any good ...
as it was NOT about me...
it was about us ALL collectively singing together creating this gift of fun and song for our shared friend.

So then I did play guitar and muddle though the next song with two other musicians backing me.. Oh yeah another young musican was like "Hey do you mind if I play with you? " It was great... the two fellows just carried it... while I sang and again just LED the folks.

And then I decided... OH enough... let me quit while I am ahead. After talking for two hours and having one glass of wine my voice was not optimal and I didn't have time to go do any vocal warm ups actually! By the time I got my stuff from the car...etc...

So I wasn't feeling it to play and sing the next two songs I prepared one of which is actually a great song for my voice as it allows me to sing high saprano

AND the chior director and I both figured out I am a high saprano. I knew I HAD been thirty years ago. I am honestly a good high saprano singer but a really bad alto. I do NOT have a great range and it is the lower tones that make my voice feel strained and when singing I can not hold a tone for long. I lose breath-
MY conditioning of breath control is not there... Just NOT conditioned and not skilled at sustaining lower range notes AT ALL.
They hurt when I tried to sing alto in chior! Actually felt like strain!!

BUT I can sing high saprano with ease and more power and it sounds good!!

But I was not feeling it.
So quit while ahead after the couple of songs....
ANd it was fun and just fine and sufficient!

THEN I got to really enjoy the rest of the party which was an absolute blast.
After I sang and was socializing a bit I go sit back next to Art again and he tells me

"Three people asked me if you are my wife"
with a laugh

I was reminded years ago when we went out and we sang Kareoke together and there was such palpable chemistry and we really play off each other SO WELL and We put on such a show once ourselves-- THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN and everyone assumed then we were a married couple.
So I was not surprised by this.
It was tremendously funny later however when one of the ladies whom I have met numerous times with my friend- (As we have gone out dancing together and hung out together on occassion); was there with her husband ( who it was nice to meet! As I met her on the ladies night out!); asked me "Is this your husband?"

and it just came out-- as honestly I thought it was a funny response
"not yet" and as I said that I swear at the same time Art said something like "nah"
then
"Who's your daddy?" was said in a very silly funny and exaggerated way and it was actually pretty hilarious in the delivery of it...
I mean hard to capture without it sounding so...well off...
but it was super funny and somehow apt in the moment...
I don't know how to possibly explain but in the animated and exaggerated deep voice delivery was super funny

When were were talking earlier I said to art , so if we get the next quetion just answer "Not just my lover"

but he really kicked it up in his playful and ridiculously unexpected funny response.
It was absolutely well done.

There were a number of moments of funny delivery.... and both that lady friend and another we were sitting with and laughing with much said at different times they would not forget that moment when Art said something funny and unexpected. He has that social gift... in this unique way of being really silly very effectively when just having fun.

We just all laughed much.
It was super fun.
The best part was the music line up was so well planned that the night ended with the guy that was spinning awesome regee rock and hop dance music. This guy was mad talented and could play bongos, and a synth pivot back and forth as a DJ but then singing laying down amazing beats but keeping not only rhythm but delivering lyrics masterfully, So spot on!

It was awesome as I had the djeme so got to jam along, and when I was dancing Art was at times playing the drum.
It was an afternoon of listening to good music then an evening of dancing and drumming while we did the flight tasting paired with dark chocolate as a group. There were a half dozen of us doing that tasting together. It was super fun.

Saw some lovely friends I have not seen in a while. My ex boyfriend the attorney was there and it was at first feeling awkward but honestly maybe for only a minute... I saw him walking in as I was sitting there with Art and the dude spinning the mad music had invited me to come up with my djeme and jam with him...
and for only a split second as I saw my ex walking in and I was sitting there with ART ( now this was after the fourth inquiry if he was my husband... I mean the chemistry we have is palpable); I just had this moment of wanting to ESCAPE
mainly as don't want to hurt my ex boyfriend who is this really nice person; a good man who just didn't share the ambition I have and wasn't decisive and didn't step up to plate when I needed him to... just all past water under the bridge; but who it is so good to see having HEALED after having been wounded by me breaking up with him when it was not working for me anymore.

So for a SPLIT SECOND thought of running to hide by literally going on the stage! HA HA It was a viable option of avoiding the awkward conversation of the ex boyfriend who might come to talk to me while I am sitting there with ART who was in mad flirtatious playful mode and who is not EVER subtle about ANYTHING
I mean Art wears his heart on his sleeve
HAHA
And My ex was not always good at reading people or situations so I was afraid he might come over to sit with us and I was just not ready for that off the bat. HOWEVER he did not immediately come over and by the time he did it was clear he was OK and was NOT going to be the shocked wounded soul still carrying a torch. I was not sure where he was at emotionally and we did recently connect and have a conversation as friends ( actually I wanted to talk to him about work stuff... the work his old company does is the kind of work I have some opportunity to provide as a consultant BUT WITH A LICENSES LAWYER could offer more COMPLETE Services! I was exploring if we could professionally collaborate if a client had need he could meet.

We met for lunch within the last month to talk about that. I had figured that I HAD A VISION Of shared work and collaboration but he never stepped up; however MAYBE I just needed to start my company and pull him into it if he is willing! IF I DO the BD even though he was not ambitius he is a super sharp gyy, personable and yes ALSO FUNNY ( a trend here among most boyfriends/Exs)
that brilliant quick witted funny
sometimes dry delivery which works so very well- the deadban style. The attorney would have a twinkle in his eye so you saw the hint of him joking!

But as we sat over barbarque one day ( I figure that receipt is one of the first business expenses! WE REALLY did talk shop!! business development possibilities....)

I quickly realized my vision of pulling him up and along... is not possible
Basically
Under Attorney Rule of Professional Conduct 5.4, law firms are barred from ownership or other investment/revenue-sharing opportunities with non-lawyers.

CRAP.

I can't do the hard ambitious work and just pull him along...

I figured instead of being frustrated HE Never shared the vision and wanted to do the work; if I DID the work and shared the vision and sold the idea I could actually find clients that NEED HIS SKILLS in addition to mine!

And we COULD consider partnership....
OH Well that bubble burst.

AS he sat down he said he did not forget but was reminded that he owes me something and said he would get it to me soon.
That was really kind as I FORGOT about that part of the meeting over lunch a few weeks ago. It was ancillary to my intial though that if I had a liscensed LAWYER on my team it would make me able to actually have a lawyer answer legal questions and give legal advise rather than me just giving "BUSINESS advise and legal paperwork document prep and support"

It was kind he reminded me that he had said he would come up with a recommendation quote for my business web site based on our actual past professional collaboration when we both worked for companies that worked togeher. ( How I met him!)

I can only offer legal support paralegal SERVICES and no legal advice without the BAR.

I do want to be ready for pick up work - but can't be with a lawyer on team of consultants.!

In any case, the comment was kind of him, and he sat down at the table with us and
IT WAS COMFORTABLE
as Art was repecting my freedom to have private conversations and he IS NOT A controller and he DOES NOT insert himself into conversations and he does not feel some great need to know all going on in my world.

Not used to that in some sense... but he did joke about staking his claim...when I asked "So if we get the question AGAIN.. as bound to, are you OK with my saying "Oh he's my lover" and he said absolutely doesn't mind ...

I forget how he phased it... he might have said... "Staking his claim" actually...

and joked about the hypermacaline tendency of guys that love to claim a woman as their own...
I mean he was joking about that with me before the actual FOURTH question and then his quip "Who's your daddy?" which was kinda an extension of the both mocking that hyper mascaline tendency of some as well as the answer to the question but flipping it onto its head in a way as questioning INTENT or REASOn for the question of his marital status...

precisely because Art is NOT the kind of guy who make it uncomfortable to navigate those other friendships in the space...
but the opposite of the controller hypermascaline energy guy...

It ended up being quite comfortable then as my Ex sat and we all chatted and enjoyed each others company and the food and music of the part of our shared friend.

It was lovely!
We had lots of laughs but that one of couse was the most pronounced.

oh and I think the question , I might have not made this part clear "Who's YOUR daddy?" Was addressed to the gal who asked if Art was my husband...
which is what made it even funnier...
as he was flirtatious over the top with her in a manner in that moment... not me at all.... it was so well timed and funny
like the response as if the question was really of interest in HIS marital status.... not answering in realtion to ME at all or our relationship but that was what made it so very funny the flip of the question said to HER...

I didn't capture that nuance I think in the telling of that moment... which was super funny and well done in the moment as she was obviously with HER husband.

Lots of laughs... they were good company.

Then today was jam packed with church events. I worked on a service project of cleaning out and planting in a garden along a trail in town.

Oh and the evening ended with Art spending the night at my place. It was a nice reward for me FINALLY Getting my room cleaned to feel comfortable inviting him over.
We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and then he left wnen I went my church volunteer thing today. Then at 1pm after the gardening, there was chior practice then singing at a 2pm funeral. After the funeral the family is allowed to linger in the church hall; and we just wait until they are done and then clean up. So it was close to 5pm when I got home!

So off to bed... I ate dinner and then napped but now off to bed for a good night's sleep after this busy weekend.

Just dozed and dreamed of scattering wildflower seeds...
which I did today.

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