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2022-06-03 - 2:08 p.m.

I just did the dumbest thing. I had my kid go to the bank to finally deposit checks she was given at Christmas forgetting one was written by me from an account I had no wiggle room at all in just now. Zero buffer

I just overdrew on her $100 Christmas gift from my Dad.

My Dad sent me one check for all the kids. I deposited it and wrote each of them a check.

Funny thing is I was encouraging the kid to call her other grandparent ( from Dad's side) who ALSO sent her a Christmas gift of a check. She is reluctant to call them and frankly I think setting her own boundary after some crazy communication addressing her that was not even about her. It was disconcerting and really manipulative full of gaslighting trying to induce guilt as well as condemnation of something a sibling did or did not do.... The thing is the grandparent had the wrong grandkid! That did not make the sting any less but impressed upon how her grandparentdoes not really know her at all. It revealed some of the abusive communication technoques passed down for at least two generations! I an sure her attacks sounded like those her alcoholic father used to soew way back when. How is it some forget what it feels like to be on the receiving end of abusive verbal barbs?
I tried to get her to let it go.... you can forgive abd viw to not emukate. It us certsinly not easy to do but I am hopeful some of my kids break that fsmily abuse cycle. One aunt of my ex dod break it but she is tge one who never had kids. ( That is one way. . . And in fact one of my ex's siblings I think also chose that way with intention.)
They are old....
A different generation and not as open minded
But at the same time I understand

Gaslighting is gaslighting and yes toxic abusers, even family, are best kept out of one's life. So it's her choice as well as all her siblings to decide who they want relationships with. They can cut out whomever they need to
Including me
And I get it! * although I think in the end if anyone needed to have space from me they would maintain a relationship yet I get it that as part of growing one sometimes DOES distance from even GOOD parents! Its not a rejection but a natural part of the growth and separation process while figuring out who you are.

It was not easy being raised by a hot headed abusive heavy handed violent in words and by hand Dad AND
Me the ADHD mother far from perfect who instilled pain too by not being reliably there as a kid should have a parent being reliably present all the time. Financially not being able to do the things the other parents can easily do in this area is a challenge as well and does leave kids a bit the odd ones out. It's hard to overcome beign socially ostracized (even when not warranted). But the thing is I have always been upfront about my limitations and unapologetic about them while also trying to improve them; yet for some reason that stance does not make one popular and respected! I think folks love to criticize when there is an easy target as it makes them feel better. The bullies grow up and just exhibit the same social behavior to some extent - of exclusion of the weird odd ones. I get it- especially in this age of violence in schools. Who can blame them?

In any case, This youngest of mine had deep fear of abandonment and separation anxiety beyond preK and kindergarten into first grade. Having to go back and fourth , leaving me and being with Dad who was the screamer definately impacted this kid with lots of anger.
Seems she is more angry at me than her Dad

And I get it.
She was so little and was affected deeply by all the drama and trauma ( whether identified by her or not). The view of me was also influenced by messages and mantras her father consistently fed. I mean there is a certain kind of brainwashing that some parents acieve in developing resentment they have for the other parent effectively into resentment the kids then have for their other parent. I can't do much about that other than continue to try to be present and do my best. So it is very matter of fact that I write this-

My kids are different I know... more trauma and more discomfort than most at engaging with the world. FUNNY I started writing about how we are a bit different due to ADHD and was thinking and writing about how that just makes life harder! so everything after this sentence was written on that train of thought but I went back to edit and kept fleshing out the whole prior musings on parenting! Back to the originial intent - musings on ADHD challenges and the ADHD * Can't believe I just did that!! moment of the week:

So my kids are among the few who hold checks for a long time cause it seems hard to them to manage the process of getting to the bank with all the information and identity verification required to deposit the checks.

This is life with ADHD .
Challenges as what are simple things for most for some reason seem complicated and challenging at times.
Procrastinating happens.
This is due to poor executive functioning skills and a way to cope with the anxiety and feeling overwhelmed to an extent. Somehow avoidance seems easier in the moment! It has no benefit other than the temporary stress reduction however.

Glad the checks are cashed for my kid!

I will likely drive to a bank that I used for the security deposit back when I had tenants. It has a small emergency fund there I can pull to balance my account!
I wish it were more in ther, but it's better than nothing.

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