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2022-06-09 - 9:37 a.m.

I just enjoyed a beautiful prayer with a wonderful church outreach after going over the grocery list of food order they are going to deliver Sat.

What made me so happy honestly was the sweet lady prayed for my graduating teens and when prayed in particular for the older one graduating said " he or she " and then " they" which was so perfect. It was the singular use of they when don't know one's gender identification. People naturally will use that pronoun and in this case it just made me happy as she naturally said "they" as my kid intentionally chooses "they" as their pronoun.

It just is nice when someone gets it right. In this case perhaps not even with intention on the kind lady's part...but somehow it still made me feel happy.

I feel like just accepting people is so important. I have trouble understanding those who take offense at other's requests to use a chosen pronoun that might seem unexpected or unusual. I dont get a response of anger or anyone taking it personally. How is one person's choice to use a pronoun you are not familiar with at all about you? Or how is it at all a rejection of you? ( Which some parents feel).

I mean, to each his own. How hard is it to learn new language? We do it all the time.
We evolve with culture. We acclimate. We have been willing to embrace " send me a text" rather than call... message rather than talk...some old fogies embrace bitcoin and block chain but resist saying " they" ?

I just don't get it....

As a single mom now that I have college student home with me and the two graduating seniors not yet in jobs ( one put in one application and I hope opens mind to trying for other jobs once school done and not ASSUMING due to POTS their body cannot handle most work. . . I UNDERSTAND with actual chronic disability it is hard to work but some do find a sustainable good fit of a job!)....I find no shame in asking for help as I try to find more work. I swallowed my pride, asked for help and now that the medical needs of all are addressed . I am actively seeking more work to pick up my income. (Going part time to manage the Dr. Appt runs and get diagnoses in them all was so important!) I am trying to tap into any professional organization that may be helpful for me to grow my own business and pick up clients. That is hard to get off the ground but once done I know it will provide the best work life balance.

Graduation is next week!!

On occasion....I have called the local church food panty and am grateful could do so!

Working part time my hrs are slower just now. Paychecks thinner. ...

I canceled guitar lessons as don't have cash for them. Tightened up my budget. Stopped tithing for time being....
Ended the awesome food delivery cooking service I did only during coupon phase.

I was not living beyond means and had good budget but this Spring college student needing more help was priority so I just used all cash on hand for that kid to pay tuition.

And then the thousands I expected in my tax return has been held up!! ( Apparently IRS backed up and they say some refunds filed manually with issues to review may be arriving as late as Dec!) Additionally since one kid was dropped from their Dad s insurance I have the medical bills ot that kid to help out with. (About $1000 worth of bills. Yeah my trans kid's Dad somehow thinks it more Christian to refuse to continue to carry his kid on his health insurance to hold his moral ground than loving provide health care for this disabled child of his. I really don't undersand that at all! Not understanding what would justify or motivate that decision as it makes little sense.

Well.. no new AC/ heat pump this year. We can live without that for another summer.

I felt bad I could not help the other super hard worker with tuition!! She used a freaking credit card to pay part of her last semester as I literally had just taken the out a loan to hire the attorney to get the other sibling enrolled in the neighborhood HS when the school erroneously dropped them.

I didn't write about this much here. Not my story.... I was just the supporting character in my kid's story of resilience and battle to finish HS, but between tuition needs and money required for the legal battle for the one kid to finish high school, then not getting the tax return money.. I have just burned through any expendible income I had!!

I hired the attorney and advocated but truth be told I am super proud of my autistic trans kid who has been their own best self advocate. They filed a case with the Office of Civil Rights for discrimination in addition to having navigated getting back into school.

Due to their self advocacy they not only were enrolled back in school but have had bus service accomodation for their disabling POTS. That has been a HUGE help to my kid getting there every day! ( The lawyer was appalled at lack of services throughout the years for this autistic kid. Sure the kid is bright with a high IQ but the ADHD executive functioning skills and autistic traits were OBVIOUS since small child.) Schools ignore special ed needs unless parents really advocate for their kids. I could not work and successfully take that on while navigating the divorce and focusing on setting up a safe home! I kinda had to TRIAGE my energy and attention!)

It just sucks to live through actual discrimination ( as a parent) of a trans kid the school tried to drop from enrollment. It was obvious my kid was just caught in the storm of the political climate of transphobia in our County.

Transphobia was conjoined with legitimate concerns of parents at our school board denying a case of sexual abuse of a student.

Safety of students in bathrooms is important! But some miss the obvious that a trans student is at the greatest risk of being a victim of violence due to hate statistically compared to the total risk of violence in the general student population and there is nothing to suggest or support the idea that a trans student is likely to be a threat to others !! Facts support the contrary!


The poor girl victimized did have some relationship with her asaulter...

Trans policy is not related to the one incident of a guy physically sexually assaulting a girl cause the two of them went into the girls room together consentually but then he crossed a boundary and touched the girl who he was friends and had some relationship with in a sexual manner constituting assault as he crossing the boundary of what she consented to!

That was what occurred...
People protested it's cover up as the student was not suspended when he had PRIOR sexual violations of another student previously! He should have not been allowed back in school!

But it made no sense that real issue was then
conflated out of tranphobic fear with discussion of the trans bathroom policy.

I mean the new transgender policy schools needed to comply with was FOR safety

But in our country there was such transphobia then anger at denial of an actual sexual assault
Folks conflate these issues out of fear.

It did not help the kid who perpetuated the assault was also a disabled student in relation to how my kid was then treated.

So our local HS in dealing with those issues thought 🤔 hmmm....let's just be AVOIDANT

And dropped MY kid who HAPPENS to be a known autistic trans student who had just two classes needed to graduate ( did fail them when attempted them on line so they are re-dos).

It was illogical (and against the law! Disabled students have a right to receive and education even if it means accomodating them until age 21 to do so!)
My kid has nothing to do with the other student or even the other school that incident happened in. My local HS is the same district but a different school.
My kid also had ZERO disciplinary issues on their school record.

(I heard from an OT and teacher similar backlash happened after the horrific school shootings. Disabled students were expelled the last week of school as after violence occurs in schools there is acute fear of the " different" kids. The one bad apple of the kid who went ballistic and violent made teachers more fearful of the challenging students they have been working with all year long. These are kids who navigated school all year long but teachers hit their fear factor and their limits! )

So , after that battle to be let back in school by my older student now graduating, I get it my kid just wants to finish H. S. AND MOVE ON.. and has zero interest In attending the actual graduation . Having POTS totally understand not wanting to stand and sit and move up and down for hours in a hot crowded space!


School was hard during Covid years!

It was not easy for either of these two who are graduating!

My prayer was that they learn to accept celebration of Them and learn to feel joy and pride at their accomplishments.

I am throwing a family party. They are too used to not getting the positive affirmations they deserve.

I hope they embrace the party and have fun and celebrate with joy 💕 .

I have no money for the party but do have a nice porch and am creative and have balloons and decorations I can use! Heck I even bought graduation decorations two years ago I hope I can find! ( That was the year the older one had been accepted in college but then failed classes as was really sick! )

I ended the prayer with the nice volunteer in gratitude 🙏 that the heath of all the kids has stabilized and is much better than it had been for the past few years.

Back to work. I started early today as have a project requiring data analytics. I can rock it once get into flow but needed to figure out the best way to organize the info for the most efficient capture and analysis. In other words....I was thinking and procrastinating a bit earlier in the week on this project. Not exactly...more like planning....which takes thoughtful mental processing sometimes. It sometimes feels like such a slow process and feels like procrastination when I am not quite ready to dig in because still figuring out the best way to do a project and looking at other's examples and considering options. Key is to not overthink it, dig in , and get it done. I never bill for my brainstorming processing idea time in full. Maybe just a teeny bit .... Maybe that is imposter syndrome but think it's moreso recognizing my work quality is good but my efficiency being ADHD not the best. There are additional COSTS to having ADHD in that things take longer to do! I try to NOT pass on those costs to others! I feel like the ADHD costs due to executive functioning challenges that make me slower, are mine to bear. I love working part time as it enables me to " Get it done " but in my timeline.. Slow and steady.... On occasion not as steady as like but still get it done with breaks for family needs be they Dr. appointments, help with cosigning loans for kids or a needed nap when I hit a lull and my brain just not on its A game!! I then bill actual hrs worked DOING tasks. Not for the ADHD time of THINKING about doing tasks. Oh yes actual PLANNING and organizing is billable time! Basically I just cut out and don't bill for ADHD procrastinating or ruminating and obsessing over the best way to do a thing!! Ok back to it think my body got over the crash from the awesome Pineapple Pancakes I made after working a few hrs that required shifting focus from work and compelled me to write. It was either write or take a those pancakes did me in!! I was up at 6 and working around 6:30 to 9:30 after a dog walk! I love working early morning before I eat! I had an interesting conversation with someone regarding a full time role. The salary they said they would hire me at if I were thr best for should the executive leadership team offer me the job is the same rate I quoted for part time consulting through my own company PLUS benefits. I think they are having trouble finding someone with my skill set and experience as the lady who called me said she was SO EXCITED to read my resume but disappointed to read my cover letter pitch to be hired as a part time gap fill to meet their needs through My company as the search for the right fit for the full time role. I am looking for temp or long term part time as I understand myself and my needs. I do not want to abandon my current employer. I really enjoy working with them! I enjoy the work, I like the people, and heck even if they don't like me they are pleasant to me and appreciate my work! They might like me... IDk... hard to know but we all DO get along! So I THINK they like me..... its just in the past I haven't always been the best read of that apparently. As I really liked my old boss that fired me and thought she liked me but figured out at some point that she must have not realized there WAS a gossip amongst her crew that WAS NOT ME who was very destructive talking shit about her... ce la vie... old news. SHE was pissed at me for NOT gossiping about the gossip..... The firing in that case was CLEARLY NOT performance related.. oh wait I forgot she also DID like me until she saw my pictures of my kids- with clearly queer presentation. YEAH she was transphobic.. . I forgot about that. AND the accounting crew there was making fun of some partner person saying "OH she is confused; that is the she that used to be a he- no wonder he doesn't know what is going on" to which I replied "you really should be careful when making comments like that. You would never know whom you might offend and some people might not be forgiving."... sheesh..I was likely condenscending saying " I forgive you....but someone ekse might take issue and not ". I did shit down the mocking of our professional countrrpart at another company as it really did offend me they were so rude about that person. In any case. It was really validating to know I COULD land a full time job at my rate if needed after the call from the HR recruiter. I like that the folks at my work say what they think. I don't even care when they make jokes that are not "politically correct" or don't see things the same way I do. For some reason I don't take them as disrespectful when they are OPEN about their views. Its just a different climate as they don't MOCK and disrespect others. Even if they don't understand them... and I think they are more open at ACCEPTING others that many spaces. They frame their biases as their own perceptions and not as an attack on others in my observation. So even though I feel like I was being tempted to consider a full time job I am not quick to want to jump into one- EVEN for mad money. I feel like it will serve me better to remain confident that I will land more clients from my own company at the same rate I am asking for and be able to get financially ahead WHILE retaining the flexibilty of working when I want and not being overworked and ending up in a job that demands well over 40 hrs a week and pulls me from home. One of the kids started allergy shots. I want to be able to take her twice a week to get those to make her life more comfortable. This kid is HIGHLY allergic to so many allergans and has awful snoring and stuffiness in the nose and can't smell from that constant state of inflammation. She has never treated this effectively so its time. I just didn't KNOW about that kind of medical support for this- being from the big Irish Family where you go to the Dr. only when dying! (HA HA so we joke. My brother walked on a broken foot for three weeks once!) OK back to work... came her to take a quick break and the window was open so edited and then started writing again! Writing is just my go to for relaxation. Some scroll IG or twitter or FB or you tube... When I need a break if this laptop is handy I write. Back to focus... I guess I am still procrastinating! HA HA truth be told. I figured out the Excel formulas I added to my spreadsheet ( not hard but been a minute since did data analytics); and in the phase of pulling info from documents.It gets tremendously boring... But truth be told AI software is EXPENSIVE and the OCR sucks. Doing the work manually is LABOROUS and boring and yes room for error HOWEVER My error rate is STILL much lower than that of the best ORC software and AI system there is. They just don't live up to the promise YET. Maybe some day.... But its like that old fashioned phrase "Nothing like elbow grease to get a job done" Nothing like manual process of careful reading and pulling out information, aggregating and analysing with a critical eye. I mean unless you have ALOT of information to aggregate and no risk if drop some of the anomoly of error is not that important. FOR LARGE volume AI software rocks! But for SMALL enviroments with not much data... Manual is the way to go. So back at it.. at least I have a project to get valuable work done and earn some money. Its slow at work still so I have TIME for this back burner project ( a compliance one). It is dreadfully boring at times... that is the ADHD challenge. STaying on task and getting it done when the mind is not stimulated. I need to kick in hyperfocus and obsession ( which I can!! HA HA) I can get as OCD and granular as the best of an obsessive person!! HA HA I used to analyse financial numbers in one job til saw the patterns and the the BREAK in patterns to find when a payment was supposed to have been allocated that was processed in error with a DIFFERENT number...s and pulled out the missing pieces to accounting puzzles in a MASSIVE operations financial history which no one else found to resolve, to successfully resolve the accounting errors that were LONGSTANDING in that one operation system once.... The problem is no one else wanted to do this. And the problem was it took me FOREVER... working 12 hr days with obsession to fix the problems.... and I hated it... So I think that is why procrastinating. It feels like this is similar to the work I did for that company before that project. Pulling out granular data is not my cup of tea. BUT no other work to do so this last project I had on back burner has got to get done. I have a few other things in queue for next week so some upcoming work thankfully ( waiting on dependencies) but just not very busy!

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