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2022-06-13 - 9:09 p.m.

Money comes when really needed. I truly believe that. So today I logged into my Pay Pal to find money there I had to actively click a button with the command to move it to my bank account.

increased cash on hand to pay my bills.

This weekend I submitted receipts to my church for reimbursables.

Tomorrow I will do that for my work cell phone.

It all adds up.

The credit union I belong to has offered a car buying service which rocks that I was well aware of. They just ventured into brokering INSURANCE.

Switching one's insurer if you have had a policy for any length of time almost ALWAYS saves some money.
Insurance companies LOVE to raise rates after you are a customer for a bit.

I wrote a whole entry and then deleted it this morning as it was ANXIETY writing to vent and feel better.

Issue stressing me was resolved and basically it was simply that I was triggered by something in my relationship
which honestly dug up some past crap.

What was so shocking to me is how triggered I was. That I had a reaction to a moment so strongly.

It was really a small thing that seemed like a big red flag to me....
until I thought about it and talked it through with Art and realized it was a ME thing.

He said something about staying with his daughter one night. I asked "When?"
and he said "I don't know..
the night we texted? "
he said "yeah"

and the thing is he was really referring to a different night ( he is out of town) he is visiting family and friends. We texted Sat night; and turns out he stayed with his daughter Fri night.
I get it- he made a mistake when I asked and he was like "What the heck day is it anyway?"
He is traveling...going from one thing to another non stop. Busy following the agenda his kid has set; then the agenda his hosts set... with family stuff and friends visiting etc.
I get it- he is as ADHD as me and neither of us have a good sense of TIME.
But I was being so literal. And the thing is his kid has a very robust on line presence so I KNEW she had left town Sat evening and was not there Sat night. So when he answered without accuracy.. and I realized that after we hung up ... I was unsettled.
I so thought he lied to me

WHICH honestly made me know IMMEDIATELY that I had been triggered.

I mean it was more fear of being lied to than any other feeling. Fear of him not being trustworthy after I have chosen to trust- full blown anxiety panic feeling.

I am not used to that.
But it was indeed a full blown triggering.
CRAP it sucked.
I felt better after we spoke and I could address the concern I had and the reaction that was triggered in me.
The concern *poof* disappeared about worry of veracity once we spoke and I also realized he just make a mistake the.. "I don't know, the night we texted" was not really clear...
he forgot when we texted... I get it...
it was a brief hello and he has been traveling and focused on family for days.

I cognitively KNEW it was my reaction that was the real issue in this case.
And it sucked. It unnerved me as I am the one who JUDGED others when they don't do well if their significant other is gone!
Heck I always LOVED when my husband was gone...

HA HA but heck one can see why in that case.
It was the ONLY TIME I could really breathe easy and be myself and relax a bit.

Damn I am not used to being emotionally vulnerable and CARING about a man. Seriously this is new to me.
To feel
and not be ... IDK... distant... detached... not really caring if they guy is around or not and f
rankly used to valuing my ALONE time and feeling like I need to protect it.

I am a bit uncomfortable actually BEING EMOTIONAL.

Its a funny thing...

opposites attract.

Art is good for me. I know that. He opens up that part of me THAT FEELS.

It was so interesting to me how he got emotional on the phone at being so moved by time he spent with his grandson,and his daughter. It made him so happy he sounded like he was moved to tears in telling the story of how they were so wonderful to take time out of their weekend to go with him at his request to the grave of his grandfather and great grandfather.
He was talking about the connection of family and how important it is.

Art just always is real.
Its like he just navigates the world DIFFERENTLY from most. He is so attuned spiritually and so
NOT CARING about the typical values of the world
I mean
just not caring... about things like money and possessions

YET he takes pride when he is in the role of provider to care for others. So he will work and earn money to fulfill that role he feels is his.

But if he is not in that role then he pursues his art.

He said today he was thinking perhaps he should hire me to get something done. My initial reaction was: Hell yeah! I honestly thought he meant as a model. SURE I would sit for him and be happy to be paid to do so- cause honestly that takes ALOT of time to create a work. Depending on what it is- but my time IS valuable and I have worked in that capacity for years. But then I realized as he continued to talk that he was referring to getting his resume out there! He want help navigateing a job hunt in another field altogether so he can make some money leveraging his navy and work experience and his engineering tech and facilities and handyman type of eclectic work. He has worked as: an exterminator a installer of stained glass windows in churches and commercial buildings maintenance staff on a college campus for a number of years Maintenance/Facilities director at a church A picture framer at a Art Store Frame shop Carpenter for constuction companies So he wants to get his resume out there as he is having such a hard time getting motivated productively.
I told him JUST spend TIme with me-
as its the ADHD thing...

Its a real thing.
Sometimes the ADHD person just needs a companion.
Someone to support them and then they can get their shit done.

Its like there is this mental block of overthinking

BUT if you have a friend there can suddenly feel like the task is manageable and then focus and do it.

I have seen this in me and in almost every one of my friends! I said we should just pull out laptops and hang together as I get my work done and he gets his shit done some mornings. I don't need him to hire me to help him. Its funny thought how I thought he meant to produce Art. I feel like he is so talented he really SHOULD be just creating his work and have confidence he can find an agent and actually sell enough to live on. I mean he really is that good. This is not exaggeration... Its like he doesn't show his work often as he is picky as to WHERE he shows it. Reminds me of my oldest kid frankly- the one who has been only published in really reputable journals who gets it that your valution is set based on where you are present and seen. I do think Art would benefit in connecting with the artists I worked for who sell their work for thousands of dollars. I mean he is a marvelous scultper too. He works with wood making carvings, but aslo clay. He can work with marble but doesn't have the tools to make large statues. Yet I worked with one artist who does that work. I think connecting them would be good. Just edited here as fleshed out that thought further- as when last wrote I just wrote of what he ASKED me to help him with, not what I EXPECTED the ask to be and what I think might be the best help I could offer. So this was a big aside in the middle of that conversation! Back to where left off when LAST wrote:
ADHD Folks all gravitate toward each other! HA HA)

I said he wouldn't have to pay me; just get disciplined.

HE actually said he knows he needs more discipline.

He did fine in the Navy- although it was HARD for him. He recalls some sharp guy who was finding it easy did not pass the final tests and was astounded that he did. The guy was so angry and felt he was more worthy-
as Art was...well... the typcial underachieving ADHD kind of student , meaning there was a dose of oppositional defiance in there when he was a kid
just like many of my family.

Tired now and going to bed soon. I just scheduled the remainder of allergy appointments for the youngest who is going twice a week to get allergy shots.
She is not thrilled by this; but her allergy test showed very severe environmental allergies. Happy to be able to bring her.
I just need ONE more client to maintain that flexibility of schedule while increasing income!
JUST ONE would do it...
so this week need to focus without distraction on business development.

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