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2022-06-17 - 7:49 a.m.

I just had an insight. I was trying to figure out why in the past I did have lovers I did not mind, and enjoyed if they came into MY SPACE a couple times a week and at this point that thought is not settling well with me. I am resistant.

#1 I realized it was never MORE than two or three at most times a week I had anyone come to my space. (Two avg)

#2 They came ( for the most part) when my kids WERE NOT HERE and

#3 They LEFT discreetly and first thing in the morning!! SO I had all the me time I had prior- and did not need to have any change in my lifestyle and time and attention paid to other things.
They were not a distraction to

My work
or my daily flow

They really were not enmeshed in my daily life. They were not pushing my boundaries. DATING was an additional thing which added value of supplementing my daily routines! BUT it did not become the PRIMARY focus of my life-

So what is different now is that the kids, now grown, are ADULTS and this is THEIR SPACE ALL THE TIME AS WELL and they are HERE all the time. So I need to respect THEIR space as well which requires a boundary. I don't want to bring a boyfriend in while they are here EVEN IF THEY ARE GROWN any more than I would have done that when they were little. I mean to me that is just not a way for them to have a safe secure home and family/kids come first. I think once a relationship progressess.. hey if you want to integrate someone new into your household that is great if at the point of wanting a long term commitment with a person-
BUT I think that should not be done PREMATURELY and I am very wary of when my boundaries , my time for other things is not respected./p>

Best know BOTH are on same page and desiring long term commitment before spending time in each others space more often than not.
HECK Short of that I can't see disrupting the comfort of the home for the REST of the family

Heck my adult kids can have company. I don't mind. They have had friends come here and spend time and on occassion stay over night but IT IS NOT ALL THE TIME

It is not REGULAR as if the person lives here.

I think of this as get the sense Art is used to being in a co habitation with his girlfriend(s?) of past and that is not something I am interested in rushing into at all.

I just want to date and see where it goes. I am in ...sure all in... but all in DATING monogomously and seeing where and how it grows
I am not into rushing anything.

#3. When I had a regular lover come over a couple times a week he was that : A LOVER
I am thinking of both the guy I dated for 5 yrs and
the lovers that would come and then leave IMMEDIATELY. A couple were boyfriends whom I dated and did lots of other things with. The Air Traffic Controller years back was my one and only but he came here when I had kids and he did stay overnight but he also go up for work at 4:30 AM and he only showed up AFTER the kids were in bed and I let him in and to my room and it was our sanctuary from like 9pm to 4:30 AM when he was up and showering and leaving for work to be on duty at 6:30 am sharp.

That is the thing- I KNEW HE WOULD LEAVE and not interrupt my family; not interrupt my day.

Its the disturption of the others that I do not want as well as the disruption of my ability to get my work done.

I want my kids to keep living comfortably in their own home-

which means walking around naked ( OH yeS it is going to be 97 degrees today. Trust me that will be happening)

Last night one of them was doing this- cause it was freaking hot; and keep in mind one has the autism diagnosis , another has traits and clothes are just UNCOMFORATBLE to begin with for such persons who are tactilly defensice to begin with.

I mean I think it important for my kids to have a safe space to not have to mask to the degree elsewhere
*Although they do need to continue to learn that some masking of your natural emotions and communicaiton is NECESSARY To have functional realationships YES EVEN WHEN HOME IN OWN FAMILY
Being comfortable and able to be self does not mean exuse to be rude and abusive to others.

On that note it is fascinating to me that the one kid who as a kid was most volatile has learned emotional control to a great extent but also loves to project onto others that they are yelling or being inappropirate in expressing their emotion by taking it out on them!
OK maybe not projecting to anyone other than ME

IT was interesting as I was venting at being really upset at the mess up of my finances-

AS the bills were planned to be paid based on past patterns

AND of all the freaking things

MY electic bill which is set up for auto pay

and I swear has gone through EVERY month between the 18th and 21rst

YESTERDAY was pulled from my acct on the 16th! O. My to do was to stop that auto pay as was going to pay it later. I had not done thst yet...and should have.

So RIGHT After money was moved to cover the mortgage that bill unexpectedlywent through earlier than typical!!

I WAS like WTH!!
I was so irritated

The funny thing was I was venting as I asked my college student for a short term loan!!

I can pay him back in a month- but I won't have extra to help with Fall tuition and it is mortifying to ask my TEEN to help me with the household bills!

It is what it is...

So I was writing after doing morning chores and Art called and asked if I wanted to join him for breakfast.
I went...

see this is the thing. It is so easy to just say yeS and go and then break the flow and not get the things done I WAS getting done.

I have to be sure not to do that TOO OFTEN

but at the same time not be so protective of my space and time I can't be generous with my time and available to connect.

Its just balance.
I DO like when he calls me and asks me to meet for breakfast and then we go our own way to get things done.
These morning breakfast dates are lovely at a local diner, but I don't apprechiate if he does that on a morning when I just articulated I have an agenda and things I am planning on doing. I did enjoy the morning we awoke and started the day with a really nice walk then breakfast.

I enjoy the motivation of company to get exercise of a nice walk in early!

OK enough of writing to finish these thoughts..

I did a bit of work ( just a little in queue) and the thing is I swear after the meal I could use a nap.

Its the digestion thing...
I eat something heavier and I need to sleep.

Short nap then I will attack the rest of my TO DO list...

I did compromise. I said YES to meeting him out and then will do the chores.

OF course it was cooler in the AM but as long as I have energy and get it done that will be OK. But its still a red flag for me as I did share my agenda. Then was asked to abandon it to meet him. That feels like a lack of boundaries and perhaps a control thing. I am open to the possibility it is not such and just that he wants to spend time with me and is actually oblivious as to how that can come across- or that it is a me reaction and not really a desrtuctive behavior on his part. I need to parse that out and see : 1. If it is really disruptive to my day if I change plans ( as if not why not go ahead) and 2. On the occassions I say NO if there is any push back, lack of respect, pressure or behaviors that indicate that is really actually a control thing. I can't be in a relationship with one who is going to be controlling. That won't fly... I much prefer respect of making plans AHEAD of time. The habit of not answering my phone once in the middle of an activity is one I can go back to. It is the way to set a boundary- Carve out time for whatever it is (dog walk- I never take my phone; Plugging into work computer- I don't look at my personal phone til done; but could extend that even to morning chores if need be- while folding the laundry for example and cleaning the bathroom early before the heat of day I COULD have not answered the phone). That is on me. I should set my own clear boundaries and then I won't be pushed and feel like there is any attempt to BE manipulated. I just don't like that. I don't like when someone seems to want to communicate constantly. It is a HUGE red flag for me. Makes me wonder if I should be in a relationship at all or if I am just plain happier alone frankly. That is a ME thing. Not really about anyone else whatsoever.

He intends to go job hunting today. I hope he has a productive day and rocks that sending out some resumes. I think he gets caught up MOVING doing things that need to be done and the days get away from him so I recommended he go sit somewhere else to get that done! NOT at home as that has not been working well for him.

I need to do the same! I am going to work on business development and copy what I like that impressed me from others.

I have seen some impressive realtor marketing packaged dropped off. I am just going to do the same-
create a marketing package and then send it to a few curated business to tell of my services. I did this via email a bit; by sending a cover letter introducing my services to a few job posters. But I need to do it en masse , basically a marketing campaign to develop my business. I don't have the budget for this yet- but I CAN do the work. I can draft the letter. I can work on the visual to put on a folder to then put information inside about my company offerings.
Its just the fact I have to get in flow and do it.
I don't need money to start and get a prototype. I just need to go get this done and print the materials and do it myself. Then I can scale up once have funds to do so.

SO yes- today's goal.
Movement on cleaning my space ( progress made)
and them progress on my company business development. Clean my bathroom was on the list- maybe can knock that off too.

But first-
a short nap to digest the brunch ( the heavy meal in lieu of lunch).

I DID know better but had browned potatoes and toast anyway. The thing is I think there is an omlet in my fridge no one ate that I made the other morning HA And of course I ordered an omlet.

Dates talking about what we are going to do will be worth it if we both are motivated and then ACT and propel movement!

But if that date over breakfast just results in me being tired and then coming home to nap, and interrupted my flow of getting things done when I HAD been moving... especially on a hot day when the premium time for me to be productive is early... Well,,,Will see.... if that does not work for me than next time I say NO and protect that boundary of my space and time to get my shit done. I just don't think it should be HARD To protect that time. In past dating relationships it was NOT HARD to do that ( but for the guy from D.C. I felt that tension there too... like he wanted me to come over ALL weekend and I always felt bad saying NO and then coming late Sat afternoon... but I needed ME Time! I am trying to figure out if the feeling bad about this is a ME THING OR if it is a an issue with the guys themselves. That is what I am not clear on. Are these boundary pushers? Who don't respect boundaries? OR JUST MY own issue of having trouble SETTING my own boundaries? Why did I not feel this tension with the other guys I dated? ( I mean I know it is cause they were happy seeing me less... and that WORKED for me. But then again as far as me not even understanding ghosting- as if someone didn't call me for a week or even two I am just FINE with that truth be told.... I mean IDK .. maybe that comfort with distance is an emotionally unavailable thing? My thing? As well as attracting those not really available? Can someone be emotionally available and want to communicate regularly withoutit being an actual unhealty lack of balance of not protecting their own time for self and not prioritizing their own sense of self and clear direction and focus? I mean Art has to figure his shit out and not procrastinate. As much as I feel encroached on I think he too is being avoidant of decisioning and has been dragging HIS feet at taking his next step- whatever that may be whether he commits to working as an artist and then starts pitching to find an agent and tries again and again until some progress and keeps painting and creating sculpture with focus OR whether it is he looks for a well paid job in corporate America and ditches the world of non profits and working from his heart without regard to salary... Whichever he chooses... he needs to chose and commit fully HIMSELF. I cant' be part of his decisioning. He has to self actualize. I want to be out of his way while he figures out the next step just as much as I know he is giving me the breathing room and space for me to grow into my next step. I feel like I have not seen a healthy example of that balance in a healthy relationship in a long time. I suppose that is my hesitancy. I also know once he figures his shit out he will have busy days and then I will not be worried about being engulfed! Because he will be focused on his shit and I will have plenty of time for mine- be it work or guitar practice and/or writing.
yes a SHORT nap.
then back to the work and chores.

Heck on a 97 degree day it is nice to head to the library when my AC is not working! Not sure why none of the kids wanted to come and work on their stuff! I thought they might just want a ride to get out of the house and enjoy that cool space too but they declined! HA I guess they want their OWN space and don't want to come with me and likely felt nagged and encroched on when I suggested to the youngest she could create a resume. She asked why? I Said because yesterday when I told her I saw a posting for a receptionist ( literally across the street! A 2 min walk .3 miles away!) she had said "I don't even have a resume" as it asked for one! Turns out they were hiring for a MD office of a place that has a few branches, not for across the street! Ce la vie... she was interested at least. As far as my kids sometimes they do get irritated if I make suggestions but sometimes they are seemingly stuck in atrophy and are open to suggetions. One applied for a job at the florist shop at a local grocer but did not follow up. Ce la vie... at least they tried when it was suggested. But the thing is they applied only after I suggested they do so- which tells me keep making suggesstions even though they act annoyed with every one of them! Sometimes the are motivated to act because of them! I think they need an external motivator as I don't see much self , internal motivation from either of the two who just graduated.

BUT Tomorrow is the day to CELEBRATE their graduation. I will get a cake and not worry about their lack of employment just yet. I just don't understand not being motivated and not WANTING To find a job pronto!! I mean we don't have AC and no matter WHERE one works around here it will be air conditioned! I would think that ALONE would be a quality of life improvement! NOT to mention earning money to save for goals! I hope they don' t have it in their heads they can't work due to their medical challenges. If so that is the biggest lie they tell themselves. I will be called "Abelist" by one for that stance- but it is not abelism to recognize when with a disability one can work. One just has to find the work that their body can handle! BUT there is a job out there that is managable! They have to look for it! OK- I took the nap and did it again- came to edit and ended up writing more. NOW off to the library to maximize the few hours it is open. I can clean the bathroom after closing time. I did get a bit more laundry away but not done. I didn't pull out the summer clothes from the attic and wash them and rotate them out so that is still on my TO DO list! It is so hot that a nap and reading a bit and logging onto work for a bit are all I accomplished so far.

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