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2022-06-19 - 8:00 a.m.

I wanted to write long hand for a few reasons
but one is my OT friend said that there is supporting evidence that longhand helps people process emotions. It helps with regulation as well as greater brain activity overall in sensory motor and with focus and attention and somehow the acutal flow of writing (compared to printing. I am not sure about typing for those of us acclimated to it!)

But I am getting neropothy in my right hand when I write for not even long periods of time.


The tingling and pins and needles.
I need to exercise and am going for a swim shortly.

I still haven't gotten on board with a regular exercise routine because I made that mistake a couple of weeks ago of a jog one day and a hard swim the next and overdid it and exasperated that old injury-
and was hobbling while the overextended, overworked muscles healed.

Interestingly the tight muscle unbound an my gait returned to normal then during a walk with my friend and her son. Her autistic son was just booking it as he walks super fast so he set pace and we were keeping up with him.

I decided to just go with it unless felt pain- and at some point it was like my body re-alighned and the muscle that was bound got stretched by the walking and suddenly I felt GOOD walking, It wasn't exactly pain I felt before but a bit of discomfort and resistance. I guess a LITTLE pain but not too much that it did not feel right to push through it.

I had a chat with one of my POTS kids here as I am going swimming and they are awake so I just invited them, I thought maybe they would enjoy a gentle swim- not overdoing it to bring on exercise intolerence and be laid up for days.

The Exercise intolerence is in fact very challenging and different from the post work out discomfort. Enough bona fide SERIOUS athletes have come down with POTS so the rest of us should listen to their attestations of their experience and not QUESTION or disbelieve THEIR reality. That is a problem. I recall the Nurse Practitioner at our local pediatrician practice being really condescening to my kid telling my kid "Many teens just don't like exercise. Exercise HURTS that is NORMAL"

She could not have been more wrong! As a kid these kids of mine used to run around and play all the time with high energy. They were on baseball teams and soccer teams and I did pull my car off the road and they WALKED EVERYWHERE-
by design of me as with the high energy of ADHD in some who were in CONSTANT motion and needed to be that really helped congnitively at the time. The body moving regullarly was what their bodies NEEDED then.

So I get my kids defensiveness when I ask if they want to come. ( Thankfully they were NOT defensive today but just explained again why it is not a good idea for their body at this time.)

I did say I thought they should not ASSUME that their body will react so negatively if they try something gentle.
The response was
"Swimming is not gentle"


I mean none of us were ever the kind to go to the pool and sit poolside to sunbathe. No we always have gone to SWIM.

Swimming for me is an intense cardio workout and honeslty I have trouble NOT jumping in and doing laps like they are intervals when running. I can do slow and steady but then I have to get in the workout part and push it for a few until I can't.

I discovered, unlike in college when we did that on the OFF days of running- The break from the runs, NOW the swim is NOT in lieu of a hard workout but for me it IS a hard workout.

I do get into flow of EASY Laps as I say mediative prayer of the rosary. That is relaxing and I am not pushing it they TYPICALLY but if I have not swum in a while even that could be a workout for me.

OK- My hand is not falling asleep. I am off to get in my workout before church. Zumba was not happening due to baking yesterday. I was tempted to cook early this AM for my family. I also got an invite, sorta-
the "Would you like to come with me?"

BUT NO TIME... for that event.

I am a bit frustrated when someone is NOT good at planning.
NOT good at making dates and setting particular times.

I AM GOOD AT THAT but for when there has been no plan and a friend who is not great at commitment then asks me to do something fly by night last minute.

I get my shit done first then, which was on my agenda for the day.

Problem I see is that then it is interesting that the person who does this tends to act like they were not clear in when I would show up when the real issue is they never asked me AHEAD OF TIME kand never MADE A PLAN
and seem to have made an assumption of my availability.

I discovered then anger when I set a boundary the time I WAS OCCUPIED and no available,

MY BAD for not having been clearer with my boudaries. I need to be more direct that I HAVE AN EXPECTATION of plans being CRYSTAL CLEAR

With DAYS and TIMES AHEAD of time.

As honestly there is nothing worse than trying to be fully present in a moment with family, or another friend (so be it- in my case that is rare, but I do carve out time for some friends. More regular and planned and scheduled ahead of time)
So nothing worse for me that trying to be fully present with my teens and having someone not understand the desire for that time to be honored and respected.

June has gotten better at that over the years but she is one friend it was a challenge to set boundaries with. She did really improve.

June at least was REALLY respectful of my family who did not want to have ANY GUESTS Over during this pandemic ( which BTW is not over).

June was very understanding that our health needing to be priority was NOT about her.

Even though she thought it sad when folks were not socializing, she did not JUDGE them. She maintained friendships with the many folks she loves and she invited THEM To outdoor events and she learned to just stay with friends comfortable with her lack of vaccination status.

Being loving my kids even went so far as to grow to make the exception to allow her to stay here when she REALLY needed a place in the winter- as long as she respected our house rules and boundaries:

WEAR A MASK all the time ( She did)
and we socialized only on the porch outside away from the kids.

She was super respectful and we navigted that and she stayed here a few times.

I kept distance from some friends who did not see eye to eye with me as heck to each his own , as long as respectful of each other

and I have my limits.
I mean I have no tolerence for racism

I have tolerence for some prejudice and racism that some hold ingrained that is not OVERT and is not .. how shall I say it
or thoughtfully parsed out

I mean I have tolerence for the IGNORANT racism of those who have just been oblivious to the harm

BUT Not the kind of willfull ignorance of those choosing to ignore.
I guess its naivity I can accept.

But I don't buy that as an excuse.

Yet I can fogive transgressions if the person is open to listening to perspective and talk about issues. I mean we had some wonderful conversations about race , and also about trans folks in Buffalo when I was there last year ( or was it the year before? TIME flys... I just recall going to oay respects with two of the frat brothers who wanted to say goodby to their friend who died of alcoholism. We sat graveside and had the most wonderful conversations of the things tough to talk about and it was really encouargaing to me-
Heck if frat boys can grow up into men who are willing to discuss and question and grow in the process
(growth is inevitable)
there is hope in this world.

Seriously some of the frat culture has been the most mysogonistic and violent


My one kid is proud to be in a frat at her now alma mater. She was a leader in that organization so I would not be judgemental of them as an entity.

And heck I was at a Catholic college with a service frat the boys were active in doing lots of good in the world looking to make the world a better place.

BUT.... we did talk much about frat culture.

It seems at least that one is not homophobic and accepting and welcoming. They have a few openly gay brothers that these gentleman definately have come to understand and accept.

That gave me hope for this world.

I suppose I think of that as I think of not one but two friends with trans kids who have had to learn to accept their kids, or in one case someone with a trans grandkid, their grandkid for who they are and to realize

A child's identiy is NOT ABOUT YOU the parent, or you the grandparent.


Just one more vent.

It is so irritating to me when friends say "The girls"

This is the one pet peeve I have with June,

She is resistant to saying "they/them".

She thinks it OK she came up with "Sheesh" Well it sound like that

I think in her mind it is "SheHeish" a term she said she made up YEARS Ago in her mind as a kid for someone who is non binary.
She thinks it is honoring the persons non binary identity,

She has trouble "Getting it" That ignoring ones pronouns consistently is disrespectful and at some point if one refuses to try is received as a "Fuck you I refuse to accept you for who you are"
and that when someone has that attitude then that is a huge block to the person wanting to maintain a relationship with you.

I try to let my kids know she is meaning no harm. Remind them she never called the yongest her ACTUAL name.
IT is a joke in my family... My Dad would ask "How"s _________?" and say the WRONG name that when June was here she used for the youngest. She just had the name WRONG in her head from the get go and her brain has a hell of a time UNMAPPING that

EVEN when she tried... time and time again.. she would try.
She has had strokes
she has apasia

So I ask my kids to give her some grace and try not to be offended.

She is not trying to invalidate or not see and accept them for who they are.

One is very laid back about this and doesn't really care when folks get his pronouns wrong. He knows that is NOT ABOUT HIM but simply an issue the other person has and knows it will be hard for the OTHER person if they have trouble dealing with their resitance!

One other of my kids doesn't care if its a stranger that makes an assumption or even a resistant teacher who was an asshole- as my kid cares little for them so as they would say " Why the fuck care what they think?"

BUT that kid DOES get upset when it is someone who they have had a relationship with who seems to WANT to try to have some relationship yet consistently invalidates them.

My kid will not continue a relationship in which they are abused. PLAIN AND SIMPLE

It is actually abusvie to invalidate a person and refuse to accept them for who they are.

I wonder if this has been broken down much to help those who do not yet understand this.

I think it is a topic I will write about as it is so important to me.

Ah there is this at least... it is a start.

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