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2022-06-20 - 9:54 a.m.

Mom post

Being a mom means putting kids needs first.

Plain and simple.

Today I really wanted to go to the Juneteenth event that started at 9:30 AM as I think it vital to show up to what is most important to you.

Just like how personally Sat my desire for me would have been hanging with friends at a folk festival along with my kids and of course it would have been a nice opportunity had I been able to also bring a date and introduce Art to my friends.

Priority of course was celebrating kids graduation and they did not want to go anywhere, nixed my idea of going to a beautiful place to have a graduation party ( the place rents for just $100 for three hours of private use in a georgous spot near lovely views and hiking trails on a nearby mountain ⛰️

I am waiting gor kid to get dressed and come down after having made breakfast and served all the household as they are all awake.

My Dad always made breakfast for everyone every day. I so appreciated thst growing up do zi have always continued that with my family. I mean good breakfasts. Like pancakes and fried apples 🍎 or an omlet even on weekdays. Once you cook regularly it is not hard and becomes routine. Hash browns, fried potatoes of zny kind take longer so they are reserved for weekends along with mulyigrain pancakes 🥞. The Whle Foods Bible recipie takes time... but during the week I am a fan of bisquick or the Pearl Milling Company- original preferred but the one where just add water GREAT for school days ( you have to use original if you want the super fluffy pancakes).

Much of parenting is maturity to just put needs of others' before your own desires.

I think people who are parents learn to become less self centered personally. No one likes to say it as it's almost judging others as not as evolved as parents but not to imply that ( all grow...its inevitable..and as we grow most of us have little choice bitvto eventually evolve to be aware of other's Bd less self centered) but I think there is something about parenting that matures one faster than of the same age single persons who did not have the full parenting experience. Not to say OTHER things in life can not also have the same effect of propeling growth! Certainly kids who are patentified for whatever reason have to mature too quickly in some ways and in others may have nurturing development stunted in the process. So there is a balance...shpuld not be thrown into the parent tole I think until secure enough in self. There are SO many hardships that build character of course! Parenting is not a hardship most often but a joy with lessons in letting go of one's ego, with that particular short term discomfort of not doing what you want to do for your own pleasure.

I reflect on this as a single mom I feel like the biggest challenge I have found is the actual neediness of some men I have encountered. I think of Dr. FAUCCI who was so insecure as his girlfriend carved out time for him but he was always feeling it was never enough. ( Ah but wait! THEORY BLOWN as he was a parent! Ut maybe he was in traditionsl role of provider abd it was only his traditional wife who sacrificed self over tge 33cyrs? I mean in sense of not doing what she wanted in life? Maybe he always had autonomy of decisioning with her support. VERY POSSIBLE in the very traditional 33 yr marriage he had in which it seems clear to me he didn't seem to havecingibitions on his desires.....considering the number of lovers he gad while pretending to be monogamous. It always struck me when he would vent at her not being as available to him as he would like simply:

She has Kids! THEY are her #1 priority! And she ran a freaking company ( which he minimized when he mentioned her work.) He characterized her as having some part time work but then in passing mentioned her company and it struck me as really incongruent how he devalued that work of hers. ( I of course looking it up and it is not something EASY to do!! She is a super smart person with finance accounting background and leadership skills. ) I thought he was very self centered and self absorbed in his relationship with her and always seemed to be most concerned about how his needs were met by it. It seemed he lost his identity within the relationship and was adrift when not with her, emotionally so anxious when not in communication and completely codependent.


Art discussed again that he was upset when I had not called him some Sat night. I was like WTF? WHY would I call you after I get in from a 2nd shift and walk the dog then drop into bed at 10pm at night exhausted after work?

Why? I just talked with him that day before went work. I even texted something mid shift ( intentionslly just to try to be sweet. I never fucking text or use my phone at work) We already connected! Not much to discuss.

He brought that up ( from weeks ago) as he WAS irritated after I left and left the note (on the occasion we had no clear prior plans articulated or specific invitation for me to stay over.) We soent nicectimectogether then fell asleep and when I worke ( thankfully) I was so reluevedcto go home abd taje care of my dog and know all OK with kids.

ART does not plan and is all Impulse apparently. I did not realize that I suppose and it is becoming clearer that he is the very typical ADHD brain and gets exhausted likely from the energy to function well when at work but has LESS skills interpersonal. I mean he is good at managing the subs doing work on a project ( so he says) in his work in construction or managing maintenance for buildings which is the work he has done in recent years. He can be organized and disciplined as survived the NAVY. His Dad was chief engineer at places like IBM etc...over course of career. So he learned skills from his Dad and his work etc...

But seems to me he applied those skills in work not in life. LIKELY however the same issues affecting his romantic relationshipsin life have also affected his work relationships.
He is not disciplined
Not considerate of the value of planning ahead.
He is not considerate of my obligations and commitment and responsibility as a parent. ( Sure the youngest just graduated HS but lives home abd is still under my care. My job as a mother is not done).

Basically I feel like he is worse than Dr. FAUCCI who although gets frustrated and angry and feels emotional abandonment when he cannot see his beloved all the time with complete enmeshment at least at some level Dr. FAUCI recognized that is HIS issue too, not only the girlfriend distancing.

Of course the clingier he gets the more she distances.

I definately have that response. If I feel someone is trying to be controlling of me by demanding communication it definitely kicks in my protective instinct to not feel safe ( because. Here is the reality such controlling behavior: IT is NOT SAFE as it IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE
That is a real red flag
There is a slippery slope).

I feel like not too fucking hard to communicate more if someone requests that to be secure however I think it not another person's responsibility how their partner feels when they are not with them. Ultimately that kind of anxiety or whatever negative feelings are a core insecurity the person best dealt with themselves if they hope to have a healthy relationship EVER.

When you leave your partner
There should not be any anxiety

If someone has anxiety when you leave it is clearly their issue to deal with. Or not

But if one doesn't deal with it , I can't see how they can sustain a relationship thst is good for them.

They might be better off alone.
Thst was what I told Dr. FAUCCI

Be alone and figure out how to actually love yourself, nature your own interests, fill your time with work you find rewarding, persue hobbies. Etc

I am going to give it time and continue to both respect my own boundaries while communicating and assuring Art.

When we are together it is good but for the times Art has some issue of insecurity it seems to me which presents as frustration when I have not met his unspoken expectation for my presence or communication.

Shit like him saying " See you later"
Which we have discussed

He says to everyone
A colloquium

I think I have made it clear if he says that it is not reasonable to assume we have plans later that same day or night. I will not receive "See you later" as definitivecplans when he says it to everyone ! Not reasonable for him to assume I am coming over to his place at any last minute call of his. Not reasonable to assume I am available and will answer calls after 10pm ( as I did tell him I GO TO BED and turn off the cell phone at 10pm

In a real emergencymy land line works however.

He really wants a wife to sleep with every night same as FAUCCI

But for both men I feel like the sex drive drives them

And for both if they can't feel happy when not having sex with their partner I feel like it's an issue they should not be projecting onto their partner. Both also need to accept there are distinctions between datingband cohabitation or marriage! BUT FUCK TRUST should be the foundation of any relationship. Not having sex seven days a week is NOT indicative of a problem but I swear that is the freaking desire abd source of frustration of both these men who I think weirdly at their ages have not figured out healthy ways to calm their overactive systems! Both are high energy often. Fauci did run and I think that worked for him until he couldn't. I will never forget telling boyfriend I wouldn't sleep with to go play basketball!! Ha ha. He laughed and acted like that was the most naive thing but honestly I disagree years later as self care of exercise does SO MuCh in meeting needs of emotional regulation and release of stress and production of balancing hormones like endorphins, adrenaline if that is your addiction and dopamine.

A guy should not be freaking out and worried just cause he can't sleep with his last for a few nights!

Art also makes weird comments that are references to other men in a way showing his fear. He acted like he never fully trusted his Ex either and every time he made a comment about her I received it soley as his fear speaking and not really about her. ( She is a messuse who owns and runs her own spa.)
Like when I was going to volunteer work thing he asked " Is there some hot guy there that wants to ask you out?"

Where did that come from? He made comments as if women go out to do shit with intention of meeting men as a primary motivator. So fucked up to even think that and its a huge red flag of misogynistic THOUGHT for me. He acts like with his mother he could never be misogynistic as she was independent. ( In his mind)

When talking about the music festival I had wanted to go to, but said I could not as both conflict with graduation celebration at home abd out of my budget this year he randomly asked later " Is your young friend going?"

I made the mistake of telling him of the existence of the younger lover was involved with the past year.

That is who he was referring to.

Cause I have dated in past he has trust issues. WTF?

In taking about me I reassured Art I can make effort to communicate in instances that for some reason he has issues with make him nervous. I DONT mind helping him heal thst wounding as I get it the only way to heal is through healtht relationships but I can only do so to the extent thst dies not reinforce him only feeling secure if he is in control. That is a tricky thing.
I agreed Sat night not hard for me to text or call quick before bed on Sat nights as he has some weird fears 🤔 lack of trust issues that clearly surface when he makes fucking weird mysogonistic ( I think and call them out as such) comments and for him Sat might is when he gets those feelings. Heck if I work on a Sat night I do not want to go anywhere OR have company as then I have church in AM and work again on Sun. Weekends on my part time job mean its two weeks without a full dsy off work at all so I HAVE to conserve my energy.
So fuck no I am not going down a slippery slope of setting myself up for abuse.
I can reassure with communication thst one time he asked me to on Sat nights .

Why Sat night a particular trigger... whatever.

But this won't work for him if he doesn't figure out these are his issues too and not just a kick of communication on my part.

I was disappointed he did the thing of assuming I was staying at his place last night. I had to come home to take care of my dog and my kid. Honestly my kid often only eats on those days I work 3nd shift after I cone home and reprimand the kid for not eating but then fix a plate. This teen who has struggled with depression and also POTS just dies need mothering sometimes. Some days the older siblings cook and then she eats. But the youngest honestly just NEVER gets self food , unlike the older two.

So Be it that I have a dependent teen.

I traveled to see my son and knew she would survive however I am getting the sense she has post graduation malaise and needs some support to get moving and motivated.

I did make breakfast for all and am trying to get this teen to go with me to the Juneteenth festival for even a little bit before the 12:30 allergy shot.

She is exhausted and just wants to sleep. Depression may be reason but treating allergies which also wipe out and POTS ad it could just be simply POTS.

But getting out of house to get fresh air and see others and think of something ( like Listening to the Juneteenth presentations might help 🤔 If depression best thing is get out of your own head).

So I have been waiting....rambling here while waiting and hoping to get her to go with Me.

I could have gone myself to be there by 9:30 for the event then come back to pick her up for the allergy shot but it makes more sense with gas prices so high to not drive back and forth! Tge allergist is just a bit further than the event in town.

11:30 and leaving

Ce la vie

Will catch 30 min or so of presentations at Juneteenth. Then appt.

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