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2022-06-21 - 12:31 p.m. Funny I found one of those attachment style tests and sent it to Art Of course he came up part anxious I came up part avoidant He texted some comment "what are you avoidant of?" I said Wisely so. He said somethign about trouble is if avoidant can end up alone, lonely. I suppose that is the biggest fear of those who are anxious about relationships! I KNOW the most likely way a woman ends up truly lonely and alone is if she is in a controlling relationship with a man who demands all her attention and time and is threatened by her relationships with others so thwarts her having any free time to maintain or develop other relationships. So no thanks to any romantic relationationship with anyone who acts controlling. Just not worth the risk. I see that as a much greater risk of danger of either being alone or not being able to truly BE at all. Been there done that. If a guy can't understand and live with that he won't stick around long is my presumption. Cause hell no; I will call when I think of a guy and when I have free time to connect and when I want to connect. EXCEPT or when I am busy working or in the middle of doing anything else when it is not an emergeny And I will not stop maintaining the healthy friendships I have be they with male or female friends. I realized the ONE mistake I made when I was in the realtionship YEARS ago with the air traffic controller was agreeing to his controlling demand of the ultimatum that I no maintain my friendship with ART. Art disagrees that was an unreasonable demand. That is BS As Art himself knows that I SET the boundary of being only platonic with him NO MATTER HOW HARD he tried to entice me otherwise when I was in the chosen relationship with the air traffic controller. Anyway The ONLY DRAMA that has existing in this current relationship is because Art gets upset and pushes that boundary. I am over it. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance So I was perhaps in denial of there being a big problem. Some of the resources on attachment theory and how one heals only when IN relationship etc can lead one to think it a viable solution for them to work with their partner to overcome their fears. I think that TRUE BUT FOR when the partner exhibits CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR Controlling behavior includes: showing up at your home unnannounced to see if you are there/or needing to talk cause the person is codependent on you for their emotional need to address fears Making demands of your time and communication ( Honestly that rate of progression is different for each person but it IS a red flag if a person EXPECTS constant daily commication in first couple of months as an EXPECTATION and gets ANGRY if don't hear from you) Discouraging you talking to friends about your relationship Disparaging EX and indicating lack of trust of fidelity of an EX/ and comments of not trusting YOU
I suppose I am in the ANGER phase of when something dies as it makes me angry to think of anyone trying to be controlling in a relationship. I mean a convert narcissist will BLAME OTHER PEOPLE on their own behviors. It is always OTHER'S Fault that something in their life fell apart. Be it the bad boss Or there was interference from family meddling or friends with bad influence not encouaging listening and working through issues..
I will give Art this- when we spend time together and are creating we can have unparalled energy and creativity which so so beautiful and frankly prolific. BUT I am seeing what I think is clear signs that he is not emotionally regulating himself well all the time. He seems stable overall; but it is the small moments of his fears that turn to paranoia that I see. To me he is classic bi-polar but in denial that is a possibility, I thought perhaps he had self awareness and treated these issues as its been YEARS and I have not been close to him in YEARS so figured spend time with this man I have loved; do love when I see him ( at least PARTS OF HIM I love.) I can not accept ANY LEVEL of abuse and I recognize the signs. Disappointed and at the anger phase of grief I suppose. He may think I am not for him as he thinks I don't communicate enough I suppose. But no woman will be for him if he is expecting control of her being available to him whenever he wants and he won't allow space to breathe freely as he is going to be hot every time she is not present or in communication with him. Because that is about control. I was working today and focused; and gave the dog a bath early this AM. Did not expect this to bubble up in the middle of this day. NOT ONe time where it bounced- BUT THREE Fucking times!! I mean come on now. I had actually CALLED my mortgage company to confirm there was a payment in queue to be processed. I recalled the 6th as the day it was SUPPOSED to go through. I called as I did not see it. The associate said ( on the 7th) " NO I don't see any payment in queue" I then thought it was my mistake and perhaps I did something wrong like didn't hit a final button on the on line payment I THOUGHT I SET UP. So he asked if I wanted to make a payment then. I said NO and decided instead to transfer money and pay my web designer her final bill. I already vented that AFTER I pay the web designed then the damn mortgage payment gets posted- It was posted THE 9th! AH DAMN ADHD error- I flipped the digit in my head and had the wrong day AND the damn bank didn't even SEE the transaction in queue SO that was the first freaking overdraft fee of $35. Then they tried AGAIN before I moved money. BUT THEN TODAY- AFTER having paid the mortage (on the 16th! I avoided the late fee-- big freaking deal now) STILL Re-trying the same transaction that won't go through?? I AM SO ANNOYED AND MAD ABOUT THIS that is $35 X 3 for the same transaction being posted OVER AND OVER AGAIN Now I swore there was a trick of NOT accepting overdraft protection as I know if you have overdraft protection they can charge for each iteration of using it- something like $35 BUT if they KEEP charging insufficient fee charge OVER AND OVER cause they keep trying to post the same damn transaction this is what ensures banks make money on poor people. I JUST ANGERS me as it is how their bank programs are written! THEY SHOULD NOT WRITE THEM TO TRY THE SAME FAILED TRANSATION OVER AND OVER TO INCURR ADDITIONALL FEES. So Fucking obvious that the programming is responsible WellsFargo was SUED for this years back. ALSO when transactions go in differnt order than they really were posted for benefit of the bank. I find it curious a transaction that never went through prior to the 18th in past months went through on the 16th! THE SAME Day I expected the mortgage payment to go when I had moved money and then sent the payment- I hate being reminded how shitty bank algorithms are designed. So that anger at the $105 in overdraft fees for ONE Transaction posted three different times- ONCE AFTER it was paid! My mortgage statement shows it treated the recent payment as the attempted JULY payment. I am just so aggregavated by this. So when already acknowledging anger then the ANGER at the controlling behavior emerged. YES it pisses me off. OK I feel better now. As I arrived home he told me he was here. He got out of the truck and asked "Do you want some coffee?" I said no That is fucking stalking behavior What the fuck But it was so fucked up Becuase even if you ahve lived through abuse before it can present in SO MANY uniuqe and surprising ways and tehn we hear of some who do freaking weird things similar who ended up NOT being abusvie= so distinguising is important. The biggest danger to being suseptible to abuse is often OTHERS will not see the red flag as a big red flag. I started going to a therapist two weeks ago Tue. I asked for trauma therapy; asked about EMDR. She said after the first session that she didn't think I need that as that is helpful for triggers. BUT tell you As it SHOULD BE. Early stalking is still stalking. It only gets worse if allow the person in your world. VERY FUCKED up and scary behavior. Rare that the Kennedy Center events are two in one month as I got a subscription which was every other month for the most part. But tonight I see To Kill a Mockingbird which is a reminder of who I am. I am someone who is dedicated to injustice and to fight for the underdog and those who are not being given power. I will not ever be vulnerable like that again. I got the not surprising last minute invite to come over Arts' last night, early evening- when I was talking and trying to give it a shot at not assuming his behavior was abusive red flags. At 6:30 I texted to be really clear I am not coming over. So he would not be waiting and have any expectation and could enjoy his evening. EVEN IF there had been no red flags I would not want to go out. I have travel to DC today. I had work this morning. I had a dog to give a bath to and finances to straighten out. I just wanted to be home and relax and get to bed early. I have to conserve gas til I actually have expendable income and today the trip to show in DC will consume what I have of it! I stayed in and watched a couple more episodes of MAID on Netflix. I am very apprechiative of finding that show just now. SO GOOD I have carved out a home where the healing is still occurring. Until my kids are ready to venture out into the world on their own my priority is THEIR, IS OUR SAFETY. Just no to anyone who compromises that in any way. � � |