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2022-06-21 - 12:31 p.m.

Funny I found one of those attachment style tests and sent it to Art

Of course he came up part anxious

I came up part avoidant

He texted some comment "what are you avoidant of?"

I said
"Avoidant of being dependant on others for sure"

Wisely so.
I have learned not to be in a space where not capable of independently caring for self and kids.

He said somethign about trouble is if avoidant can end up alone, lonely.

I suppose that is the biggest fear of those who are anxious about relationships!

I KNOW the most likely way a woman ends up truly lonely and alone is if she is in a controlling relationship with a man who demands all her attention and time and is threatened by her relationships with others so thwarts her having any free time to maintain or develop other relationships.

So no thanks to any romantic relationationship with anyone who acts controlling.

Just not worth the risk.

I see that as a much greater risk of danger of either being alone or not being able to truly BE at all.

Been there done that.

If a guy can't understand and live with that he won't stick around long is my presumption. Cause hell no; I will call when I think of a guy and when I have free time to connect and when I want to connect.
I WILL be responsive and communicative if he has the need for communication-

Not freaking in the middle of the night
when asleep...

or when I am busy working

or in the middle of doing anything else when it is not an emergeny

And I will not stop maintaining the healthy friendships I have be they with male or female friends.

I realized the ONE mistake I made when I was in the realtionship YEARS ago with the air traffic controller was agreeing to his controlling demand of the ultimatum that I no maintain my friendship with ART. Art disagrees that was an unreasonable demand. That is BS As Art himself knows that I SET the boundary of being only platonic with him NO MATTER HOW HARD he tried to entice me otherwise when I was in the chosen relationship with the air traffic controller.

I am still venting about this as it is just such a disappointment that I can't just fucking say "Goodby; I am ready to go home now" without a simple kiss and hug goodby without drama.

The ONLY DRAMA that has existing in this current relationship is because Art gets upset and pushes that boundary.

I am over it.
Far sooner than expected.

I mean what are the stages of grief as something dies you loved?

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

So I was perhaps in denial of there being a big problem.
I then thought - well let me acknoweldge and accept and see if I AM PART of the problem and there is anything I CAN DO to make it better and head off an issue.

Some of the resources on attachment theory and how one heals only when IN relationship etc can lead one to think it a viable solution for them to work with their partner to overcome their fears.

I think that TRUE BUT FOR when the partner exhibits CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Controlling behavior includes:

showing up at your home unnannounced to see if you are there/or needing to talk cause the person is codependent on you for their emotional need to address fears

Making demands of your time and communication
Demanding you text or call daily or mulitple times of day rather than waiting to hear from you in a NATURAL Flow which will develop to be more frequent typically OVER time as a relationship naturally progresses

( Honestly that rate of progression is different for each person but it IS a red flag if a person EXPECTS constant daily commication in first couple of months as an EXPECTATION and gets ANGRY if don't hear from you)

Discouraging you talking to friends about your relationship

Disparaging EX and indicating lack of trust of fidelity of an EX/ and comments of not trusting YOU

I suppose I am in the ANGER phase of when something dies as it makes me angry to think of anyone trying to be controlling in a relationship.

I mean a convert narcissist will BLAME OTHER PEOPLE on their own behviors. It is always OTHER'S Fault that something in their life fell apart.

Be it the bad boss

Or there was interference from family meddling or friends with bad influence not encouaging listening and working through issues..

EXCUSES abound.

I will give Art this- when we spend time together and are creating we can have unparalled energy and creativity which so so beautiful and frankly prolific.

BUT I am seeing what I think is clear signs that he is not emotionally regulating himself well all the time.
He seems to me to have moods and not be willing to consider that actual acknowledgement and help could make his life better. He disparaged his daughter addressing issues with medication. He said he saw a difference in his mother and he thought her taking medication made her not as fully present. ( He I believe LIKES manic energy and misses when there is not that dynamic).

He seems stable overall; but it is the small moments of his fears that turn to paranoia that I see.

To me he is classic bi-polar but in denial that is a possibility,
HELL as one who IS bi-polar I KNOW it is NOT always present in major debilitating ways but can be more low level consistent debilitating

I thought perhaps he had self awareness and treated these issues as its been YEARS and I have not been close to him in YEARS so figured spend time with this man I have loved; do love when I see him ( at least PARTS OF HIM I love.)
But regardless of how much I care and love this man if he is not good for me I won't continue a relationship with him.

I can not accept ANY LEVEL of abuse and I recognize the signs.

Disappointed and at the anger phase of grief I suppose.

He may think I am not for him as he thinks I don't communicate enough I suppose.

But no woman will be for him if he is expecting control of her being available to him whenever he wants and he won't allow space to breathe freely as he is going to be hot every time she is not present or in communication with him.

Because that is about control.
No other way around it.
Anger is the only thing that comes out of that as the expectation is not realistic, selfish, and will never be met by ANY Woman so any man who wants that will ALWAYS be frustrated and if controlling then angry and if in that state for any length of time then spiral into violent.
It is what it is.
And I don't buy that BS that the person exhibiting controlling behaviors early on WON'T escalate.
Behavior of others and the PATTERN of this has been demonstrated all too often.

I was working today and focused; and gave the dog a bath early this AM. Did not expect this to bubble up in the middle of this day.
But after working a bit I found my darn BANK tried to process the mortgage payment

NOT ONe time where it bounced-

BUT THREE Fucking times!!

I mean come on now.

I had actually CALLED my mortgage company to confirm there was a payment in queue to be processed. I recalled the 6th as the day it was SUPPOSED to go through. I called as I did not see it. The associate said ( on the 7th) " NO I don't see any payment in queue"

I then thought it was my mistake and perhaps I did something wrong like didn't hit a final button on the on line payment I THOUGHT I SET UP.

So he asked if I wanted to make a payment then. I said NO and decided instead to transfer money and pay my web designer her final bill.
I figured would pay the mortgage with the paycheck on the 15th as have until the 17th til a late fee is assessed and added to it.

I already vented that AFTER I pay the web designed then the damn mortgage payment gets posted-
when there is not money there!

It was posted THE 9th! AH DAMN ADHD error- I flipped the digit in my head and had the wrong day

AND the damn bank didn't even SEE the transaction in queue

SO that was the first freaking overdraft fee of $35.

Then they tried AGAIN before I moved money.
Finally I move money so then I submit the payment.
It goes through.

BUT THEN TODAY- AFTER having paid the mortage (on the 16th! I avoided the late fee-- big freaking deal now)
They posted the darn payment AGAIN. WTF???

STILL Re-trying the same transaction that won't go through??


that is $35 X 3 for the same transaction being posted OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Now I swore there was a trick of NOT accepting overdraft protection as I know if you have overdraft protection they can charge for each iteration of using it- something like $35
and I did not want that charge.

BUT if they KEEP charging insufficient fee charge OVER AND OVER cause they keep trying to post the same damn transaction

this is what ensures banks make money on poor people.


So Fucking obvious that the programming is responsible
that it is a CHOICE to do this

WellsFargo was SUED for this years back.

ALSO when transactions go in differnt order than they really were posted for benefit of the bank.

I find it curious a transaction that never went through prior to the 18th in past months went through on the 16th! THE SAME Day I expected the mortgage payment to go when I had moved money and then sent the payment-
BUT before it posted that darn electric bill posted. The one I NEVER saw before the 18th.

I hate being reminded how shitty bank algorithms are designed.

So that anger at the $105 in overdraft fees for ONE Transaction posted three different times- ONCE AFTER it was paid!
Just pissed me off.

My mortgage statement shows it treated the recent payment as the attempted JULY payment. I am just so aggregavated by this.

So when already acknowledging anger then the ANGER at the controlling behavior emerged.

YES it pisses me off.
I am angry at the charcterization of controlling behavior as anything other that what it is.

OK I feel better now.
I guess it was three weeks ago;
it was JUNE 3 to be exact at about 12:30 AM when I returned home from seeing the show "A Monster Calls" by myself at Kennedy Center
to find Art sitting in his truck
in front of his house
where he had called me
and I picked up my phone to talk with him

As I arrived home he told me he was here.
I somehow responsed
(Cause I was picking up on the red flags already)
"I am not surprised."

He got out of the truck and asked "Do you want some coffee?"

I said no
and was gracious enough to tell him I was going inside to go to bed and he should not have driven to my house at that hour-
it made no sense whatsover.
I had asked "What are you doing here?"
he said something dumb like he was awake as if it is normal to drive to stalk your girldfriend who has been out without you

That is fucking stalking behavior

What the fuck
He did leave after I said goodnight that I was going to bed and did not welcome him.

But it was so fucked up
and I suppose I needed some time to process this

Becuase even if you ahve lived through abuse before it can present in SO MANY uniuqe and surprising ways

and tehn we hear of some who do freaking weird things similar who ended up NOT being abusvie=
just insecure

so distinguising is important.

The biggest danger to being suseptible to abuse is often OTHERS will not see the red flag as a big red flag.

I started going to a therapist two weeks ago Tue.

I asked for trauma therapy; asked about EMDR.

She said after the first session that she didn't think I need that as that is helpful for triggers.
(I did under go it years ago and YES it works. TRUE I am not triggered quite as bad as some)

BUT tell you
being stalked is a trigger


Early stalking is still stalking.

It only gets worse if allow the person in your world.

VERY FUCKED up and scary behavior.
It's Tue and today I again have a ticket to my Artist Date.

Rare that the Kennedy Center events are two in one month as I got a subscription which was every other month for the most part.

But tonight I see To Kill a Mockingbird which is a reminder of who I am.

I am someone who is dedicated to injustice and to fight for the underdog and those who are not being given power.
The thing I am NOT is a vicitm or someone who will give away my power,

I will not ever be vulnerable like that again.
I will never be that naive again.

I got the not surprising last minute invite to come over Arts' last night, early evening- when I was talking and trying to give it a shot at not assuming his behavior was abusive red flags.

At 6:30 I texted to be really clear I am not coming over. So he would not be waiting and have any expectation and could enjoy his evening.
So he could make any plans he wants and not wait around. So he could get busy and not worry or think of me and hope I might show up.
I was still cooking and knew that regardless of the issues

EVEN IF there had been no red flags I would not want to go out.

I have travel to DC today. I had work this morning. I had a dog to give a bath to and finances to straighten out. I just wanted to be home and relax and get to bed early. I have to conserve gas til I actually have expendable income and today the trip to show in DC will consume what I have of it!
I really don't want to go ANYWHERE I don't HAVE to go until catch up with paychecks and bills.

I stayed in and watched a couple more episodes of MAID on Netflix.

I am very apprechiative of finding that show just now.
It is so good.

and so real.
Excellent example of how abuse is insidious. How family patterns are hard to change; how people get caught in the familiar once trauma is the family norm.

I have carved out a home where the healing is still occurring. Until my kids are ready to venture out into the world on their own my priority is THEIR, IS OUR SAFETY.

Just no to anyone who compromises that in any way.

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