Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2022-06-23 - 7:24 a.m.

Two interesting articles that popped up I just want to save to re-read again later.
Taking a quick nap before starting my work and killing the day.

Do want to understand trauma bonding
as certainly what to avoid that

BUT ALSO want to be sure I am not simply disassociating and projecting only negative and not being realistic about the positive.
OH I am not worried too much as definitely FEELING the sting of the end of this love affair and processing it.
I don't tend to do any of the behaviors in the article those who disassociate and lose their sense of self do. I don't think I am narcissistic and discarding my lover.
Art in fact is the one who has the tendency to get angry and reactive and then call it quits
but his pattern is to do so in the heat of passion so to speak
and then come back.
I know this-
so if I don't respond it is my active choice to mutually end it as us both deciding it is not working ( which is what it felt like our conversations were)
that this is not working for US.
I am not giving him what he wants and needs
and he is engulfing me-

But that is the question


Actually my therapist said YES that his behaviors are not healthy and she seemed to think for me the healthy thing is to walk away.

YUP Same opinion as my best friend who is also a therapist

I am not questioning this decision of this not being the relationship for me

I AM questioning if there is some growth needed, trauma healing I still need to do before I am feeling ready to WANT To engage in a relationship again.

There certainly was PTSD bubbling up.
I clearly have trauma

BUT ART clearly trauma bonds and seems unaware of the depth of HIS Truma. I was taking about the seeming sexual addiction I see- and his emotional dependency on this relationship ( so it seems) and the pattern I was concerned about in seeing him my friend over the years LOSE himself in his relationship

I worried about him not developing his self, not growing, but being diminished and in a weird way hiding himself and not facing himself by watching his subordination of his own desires in his relationships- of his being molded. I didn't understand why when he is happiest when creating and being an artist , then why for those years he was not creating. Not finding time to create.
It seemed he was dormant as HIMSELF

BUT Maybe I too have some work to do on not being emotionally detached as well. Not being disassociated and feeling.

I do feel like I am processing my feelings and that is indeed healthy

I am processing my trauma and can see how it affects me in relationships.

I suppose I thought it offensive of Art to say he did not know how damaged I am.
IT seemed mean and I know is not true.

I KNEW years ago that WAS TRUE and I was not NEAR ready to enter a relationship other than casual. I KNEW THEN I was not ready to trust.

The thing is I never have had lack of TRUST of Art. I actually did and do trust him.

Its not like my choices are based on FEAR of his behaviors

NOT not fear of his behaviors and what might happen next-
but rather actual PTSD panic attacks when triggered in conjunction with the actual KNOWELDGE that he is exhibiting unhealthy behaviors that ARE Psychologically and emotionally abusive and manipulative based on HIS FEARS to try to compel behavior that alleviates his fears.
ITs so strange to watch what feels to me like him trauma bonding with ME.

Something about each of the articles captured my attention . The first one I clicked as know little about borderline personality disorder other than I have had a friend with it ( in college someone very close to; but I never found her to be that weird to be honest! She does distance - when out of touch; but that doesn't seem strange to me.); and one of my kids has a friend whom when she described I thought was borderline, and then my kid confirmed I was spot on as her friend revealed that. It just struck me that friend who mimics my kid and seems to want to do everything my kid does just seems to have a really low esteem and somehow clings and copies and needs the affirmation and is obsessed with my kid who navigates the friendship but has had to be a bit self protective of not being engulfed.
I get it... I clicked wondering if Art could be borderline? Does it look similar to bipolar energy? I always though of him as bipolar as he seems to have manic manifestations; moments of grandiosity of beliefs of self and behavior. I mean he has no job and was doing all this buying of plants. SURE some manic shopping is for practical things so it might not look obvious but I actually shared with him his spending when not earning made me worried he was perhaps doing the manic shopping thing- but buying trees and grape vines and plants.

I mean it just does not make sense to me to be investing all his money in that when he is not earning. He is going to burn through the little savings he has if he keep spending. EVEN IF it is for investment in his Dad's place and the place is looking absolutely beautiful. Then when he traveled he mentioned he wanted to do the Dad thing and pay for everything when with his daughter. But I don't understand his perception being incongruent with reality. He has no income and is spending money he can't afford and acts like he can.
His money management skills are worrisome. His long term planning skills are worrisome.
Whether involved or not I worry about him as my friend as I don't see him stepping to plate making sound decisions.
He has a mural to paint at a local business- which is great but he didn't jump on it and get it done. I mean its been WEEKS since we went out to eat lunch at that space one day and he stared talking to the owner who offered the job of a mural. While we were out to lunch I was talking to him of the possibility of looking for an art agent; and looking for calls for work- of considering diving into actually seeking work as an artist if that is what he wants to do.

I was taking of doing the workl encouraging him to commit to it. That he CAN be successful if he is disciplines and does the work and writes queries and pounds the pavement and takes what is out there without being too proud to not work at times for less but also not giving his labor or his art away. I was encouraging him that once busy MOST people GET MORE DONE and that the structure of ANY JOB might help him find himself more organized and get in flow and even start painting more if he carved time out and scheduled that time. I was talking about how he has a studio space in a rented garage and should be confident to just GO THERE AND WORK Everyday then hit every opportunity to sell his work and don't look at is as too far to spend gas money and too much effort. DO THE WORK and be CONSISTENT and unwavering but keep doing the work if you want to be successful.
I was trying to encourage him to chose a goal and stick to it- whatever it is. If he wants to land a full time job leveraging his experiences then submit the damn resume already. ( HE did update it. He got it done. HE applied to a job or two) But I was trying to encourage him to KEEP AT IT. That you have to apply to HUNDREDS OF JOBS so be open to possibility and only then will something manifest.


But I also was not buying into any idea of me working with him on his goals. I kept the clear boundary for me of encouraging him. I would help out IF ASKED in ways that make sense for me to - areas I CAN. But I encouraged him that the money it makes sense to spend would be in investment in SELF to land the next job-
be it a job coach
or training for work he wants to do
membership in a professional org to learn all he can about an industry

OR if he wants to work as an artist and do his best to make money at that then NOW is ther PERFECT TIME
he has no housing cost
living back at home

and find an agent
find galleries to show at
submit to RFPS for public art works that pay

I was encouraging him to be realistic and act.

I talked about my concern of spending. My distaste for eating out all that often. Honestly it makes me uncomfortable when I know it is not in budget. I won't pay to go out and fry up some eggs and toast. I would rather go for a walk in the park and eat at home than have HIM take me to breakfast if he can't afford it- but I graciously accepted those breakfast, and lunch dates when he did call last minute while also talking to him about the concern he is being fiscally wise-

I don't have a budget for eating out at all just now.

So here are the articles in order read. They really do resonate.

In talking to my therapist I spoke to her about how a good sex life is really CALMING To the hyperactive overly aroused trauma informed brain and body. I said that I clearly recognized that there is a healing that comes through sexual relations with others and that is why some very traumatized do BETTER When in relationship. (JUNE She is STABLE when she is in relationship! She doesn't LOOK to be in a relationship and does not jump from one to the other but boy it is so obvious when she is in a partnership with a healthy sex life SHE is MUCH MORE STABLE. It is the most amazing thing. Her mental illness spirals once she is alone.) I recognized this so was very conscientious in choosing healthy mutual consenting dating relationships where I did have good sex regularly- even with multiple partners as I recognized there is something HEALING and actually GOOD about that if sex is not used SELF or OTHER Destructively.

I think it fascinating as one of these articles talks of the addiction of sex or romantic relationships. I never felt that addiction ever. I mean I can take sex or leave it- but prefer when there is a healthy attachment and LOVE of the partner in a realtionship with clear understanding and paramaters.
I have had the sex only relationships- just a few- to a degree. I always attach at SOME Level and they guy does too and then will be clear in avoiding that ( one or both of us when we know a long term relationship is not a good idea).

SO although I have never felt an addictive pull or any obsession with sex- I RECOGNIZE it in some of the men I have dated. ( Faucci certainly- at least IT has been his albatross... his trauma bonding to be a balm of his abandonment injury and he is one who then abandons his lover and finds a new one. That is his pattern! HE is really bad at that. This long term 7 yr relationship for him is good for him if he can overcome the infidelity and not do it again. Prior to her after his divorce he has had a sting of girlfriends... the dating and breaking hearts of women as he discards them Oh and in his 33 yr marrigage a string of infidelities...).
Seems the winery owner friend of mine went through a phase like that as well during his marriage! ( HE is clearly much healthier now in some ways. That behavior is not manifesting but he does struggle with his alcoholism... so addiction a challenge still for him).

So much for a nap- reading and writing consumed that extra hour of sleep! Ce la vie!! Bellatrix is napping soundly as we already had a nice early morning walk two hours ago! Sex additciton for me- NO

I don't think that is ever seen as a problem however.
Maybe it is my * SECRET* Problem.

HA HA I mean is this a conversation I should feel compelled to have when I date someone?

There is something I have to tell you..
"I write"

YUP I write about my life.

hmm... I don't think so until it is serious.I mean why scare someone away. HA HA HA

LACK of discipline in my writing is definately moreso my problem! Lack of structure, a plan, goals, follow through. ALL The same issues I see in art are there in me in relation to my writing. I definately am aware of that and need to overcome MY OWN Fear so I can create and be productive as a writer! I need to follow all the same advise I give others:
Create goals
Start with a small project ; KILL it
GET PUBLISheD with anything small-
THEN MOVE to the next level

Create a submission calendar.
Find contests and use them as writing promts if you have no work and need to generate it
OR Edit what you have BUT
INVEST IN YOURSELF for this professional growth
INCORPORATE as a company
Then spend on SUbmiSSionS, on WRITING WORKSHOPS on COACHING If you have a desire to write a novel- heck here is a resource for writers

When you have a great novel idea
PITCH It to an agent

When you have a good poem

Then do it again and again
BE PROUD of each rejection letter!!

(Hell i saved mine and am really proud as editors invested TIME and energy into written feedback which I found VERY encouraging.)

I am capturing this all here this AM as once I kill my TO DO list and have movement on my new business;
and practice guitar again
at some point I will tackle the draon software and my writing project. I am going to follow through with finding goals and submitting. I did so years ago and it was great fun. One of the ladies in my Artist Way group is a writer so maybe we can do it together.
And I am not too proud to start small. Local libarys are a great place to start if one never submitted anywhere before. Sure literary journals are great- but don't be too snobby to send your poem to the local newspaper or library. That is my philosophy.

BUT I get it for some who are truly trying to carve out a career making money that they want to enter the world of being published at the top. SOME will do this. That is great for those with talent who do the work to get there! Like my writer kid- who is doing the work to be introduced in THOSE spaces; or my son the actor who has done the work and has an agent trying to land ONLY leading roles or very carefully curated supporting that will lead to other things. BUT THOSE ARE THE ARTISTS WITH DEDICATED FOCUS WHO FOR YEARS DID THE WORK
They honed their craft
they KNOW they are good
They KNOW they are unique and different and talented and deserve to be highlighted for their work is top tier
They have a bit of narcissistic traits and singularity of focus in them. Most will tell you there HAS to be an obsession and self-love and confidence and single minded focus greater than most to be that successful.
MOST at the top will not pretend to be perfectly healthy and will share their challenges along the way!

Because THEY HAVE DONE THE WORK with intense focus and discipline.
They truly put their work above relationships for many years.

No one emerges in those spaces without the YEARS OF WORK and discipline that others do not see.

The thing I hope for in my incredibly talented and focused artist children is that they are NOT narcissistic to the point of destructiveness.
Full circle-
The fear of if the great artist can create without destroying themself.
By not having enough connection to others.

I think my son is figuring that out well ! HOW to NOT be self absorbed and I think he will do fine. My writer child is still working on it. She too will be fine...

SO for the rest of us who just enjoy writing
OR even are just obsessed or addicted with writing

WE CAN also enjoy the accomplishment of publishing and sharing our work with others if we are not grandiose and aiming so high and look at what is achievable and available to create work to share

Which is why I think it beautiful Art is going to paint a mural at a local restaurant EVEN IF he is not paid more that $500 for it.

Something about the joy of the creation when doing what one loves that is sometimes enough. but it is wonderful to also be acknowledged and PAID so as an artist one can be able to do their unique creative work.

OK I am going to eat breakfast and kill this day.
But just thinking now of Art's actual work. He is exceptionally talented, and I think I realized when talking to my therapist on Tue

I think I just want to see him create and birth more beautiful things into this world.

I want to be a PART of that creativity of bringing something beautiful into this world.

YES so I fall in love with artists, musicians, creatives as that is core of who I am and a core value of MINE
to CREATE beuaty and bring joy into this world.

I ahve not focused on becoming a master in any art. I have not had the singular focus and dedication and done the work.
I have only dabbled.
So yes the library is a great place for ME to get published!
Those for whom art was a CALLING and whom HEEDED The call aspire to greter platforms and indeed some to greatness.
I am happy just doing it
the act of creating

OR Even being a supportive player to those who create

The model
the Muse

BUT I have to be able to be available to that creativity blossoming in ME to the extent it CAN EVEN IF it is only at times by being the model or muse

I therefore can't remain in relationship to Art who really wants OWNERSHiP

He wants to have a safe refuge where he has all he needs but it is protected from what he sees as the threats of the outside world.
I REQUIRE connection WITH The outside world in order to create.
I am motivated to write in response to relationship with others.
I am motivated to create or support creation within community
In the drum circle
In the artist class with a group , a collective

YES That came AFTER the incredible BEAUTY of the creations WITH ART.
I mean that , in the past . was something SPECIAL

I think I did not expect Art to be the same or me to be the same
But really what I wanted this is what I said to my therapist

" I think I just wanted the beauty of being creative with ARt. I WANT That act of co-creation we have had and I hoped for again"

Yes a marriage of sorts
a Union that births something new
the two become one and something unanticipated and unexpected and even envisioned sometimes emerges
is birthed

BUT creativity and birthing comes from union ONLY when there is not destroying of one of the selves in that coupling.

IT never can happen when there is engulfing of one; loss of ones autonomy of self.

Do I fear engulfment? Absolutely
as that is the death of not only relationship but also creativity

I don't see how Art misses understanding that his fear , his inclination to want to be alone and protected and "Safe" on his mountain away from others

IS really isolation from others to the point of not being conducive to creativity.

Maybe I am wrong and some need Walen Pond. Maybe that is the formula that works for Art.

After that relationship years ago I in part didn't want to let go of the beauty of creating.
He had painted a picture of me wearing my sun dress laying on a blanket where we had picnicked at the side of the pond.
The clouds were full of subtle sexual and romantic imagery which were not obvious at first- of lovers

It won the juried show 3rd place and was truly beautiful

We were in love and our creativity together blossomed
We were creating songs and poetry and singing

I mean this is what we do
We had fun here one night just fiddling with the Banjo I bought years ago. Art and I figured out its tuning and noodled with it together one Sat night in the past months and its one of the memories I will hold and cherish along wtih the night I played his guitar and sang and he then played.

Those are the kinds of things I love about him.
Our fun creativity together.

Its like that was what I envisioned IN MY Marriage to a musician! Yet when I was married my husband shut out the possibility of collaboration with me as for some reason that desire made HIM feel encroached on. FOR HIM he wanted that space of his music and wanted to protect it as it was his sense of self and he didn't want to share that part of himself with me in a collaborative sense.

I was overjoyed to not just dance but also then learn to drum, in hopes I could play with him
but instead I played with my teacher. My beautiful teacher whom my husband regularly gigged with-
yet I didn't play with my husband ever.

He had shut down. distanced
felt enmeshed I am sure! HA HA HA HE wanted his space. He did not want me showing up at every gig anymore. He got upset one Sunday when I brought the kids to hear him play the Sunday afternoon coffee shop bookstore gig and he was struggling with depression and only now do I understand feeling of being engulfed.

I never understood it.

So its interesting it is the SHARING of creation in an artistic sense that I wanted in my marriage; and which I have HAD in the relationship with Art.

It has been beautiful and I think I thought I we could create something new and beautiful again.

I pitched and art idea project to him and he has zero interest in it. I said to my therapist-
"Perhaps what I wanted was really to create art with him"

I think that is the kind of union I am looking for. That is the kind of partnership I want; call it a kind of marriage
one of love that is strong and results in creative growth and birthing

It needn't be romantic.
It is a marvelous gift when the two are cojoined. BUT the kind of collaboration which makes me so happy needn't be with a lover; with a LIFE Partner.

YES what I love about ARt is his passion . is his creativity, is his ART is the beauty that he creates and brings into this world. I loved being a part of that. I loved the joy and beauty he brought into my world.

But I can't do dysfunction. I can't trade off my mental wellness and stability and security for love of art or love of ART. Heck no.

And I don't think it would be loving of him to accept dysfunctional patterns. To accept abusive and controlling communication. Heck no- that is not love.
I have not rejected him.
I have loved him
and challenged him to grow.
But he was not willing when IN the relationship to see his need for change in respect of how he manages his emotions; or how he sees self ; or how he has his own trauma to identify and unpack so he is not unhealthily trauma bonding.

He has been challenged to see this again, and to grow.
He can do so or not.

But I have grown.
And I have a healthy sense of self.
And i know fundamentally i must love myself.
So yes
the last thing i guess to say about him; to say to him is the same thing his last girlfriend said.

"I will not be abused."

to which he responded in kind to her "If you walk out this door don't come back"
as he said to me

"You are free of me."

Because I am not afraid of relationship at this point; but it will not be an unhealthy one- and this one just WAS NOT healthy so not the one for me.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

Should have practiced guitar! Did not yet... - 2022-06-26


Joy of the pianist after dinner at work. She has dementia but plays beautifully. - 2022-06-26


REALLY??? Darn just don't show up unannounced. - 2022-06-26


Happy Sunday Church on line today as still in PJS with my coffee. - 2022-06-26


Interesting to learn more about attachment and what was going wrong FOR ME in the relationship - 2022-06-25