2022-06-23 - 7:24 a.m.
Two interesting articles that popped up I just want to save to re-read again later.
Do want to understand trauma bonding
BUT ALSO want to be sure I am not simply disassociating and projecting only negative and not being realistic about the positive.
But that is the question
Actually my therapist said YES that his behaviors are not healthy and she seemed to think for me the healthy thing is to walk away.
YUP Same opinion as my best friend who is also a therapist
I am not questioning this decision of this not being the relationship for me
I AM questioning if there is some growth needed, trauma healing I still need to do before I am feeling ready to WANT To engage in a relationship again.
There certainly was PTSD bubbling up.
BUT ART clearly trauma bonds and seems unaware of the depth of HIS Truma. I was taking about the seeming sexual addiction I see- and his emotional dependency on this relationship ( so it seems) and the pattern I was concerned about in seeing him my friend over the years LOSE himself in his relationship
I worried about him not developing his self, not growing, but being diminished and in a weird way hiding himself and not facing himself by watching his subordination of his own desires in his relationships- of his being molded. I didn't understand why when he is happiest when creating and being an artist , then why for those years he was not creating. Not finding time to create.
BUT Maybe I too have some work to do on not being emotionally detached as well. Not being disassociated and feeling.
I do feel like I am processing my feelings and that is indeed healthy
I am processing my trauma and can see how it affects me in relationships.
I suppose I thought it offensive of Art to say he did not know how damaged I am.
I KNEW years ago that WAS TRUE and I was not NEAR ready to enter a relationship other than casual. I KNEW THEN I was not ready to trust.
The thing is I never have had lack of TRUST of Art. I actually did and do trust him.
Its not like my choices are based on FEAR of his behaviors
NOT not fear of his behaviors and what might happen next-
Something about each of the articles captured my attention . The first one I clicked as know little about borderline personality disorder other than I have had a friend with it ( in college someone very close to; but I never found her to be that weird to be honest! She does distance - when out of touch; but that doesn't seem strange to me.); and one of my kids has a friend whom when she described I thought was borderline, and then my kid confirmed I was spot on as her friend revealed that. It just struck me that friend who mimics my kid and seems to want to do everything my kid does just seems to have a really low esteem and somehow clings and copies and needs the affirmation and is obsessed with my kid who navigates the friendship but has had to be a bit self protective of not being engulfed.
I mean it just does not make sense to me to be investing all his money in that when he is not earning. He is going to burn through the little savings he has if he keep spending. EVEN IF it is for investment in his Dad's place and the place is looking absolutely beautiful. Then when he traveled he mentioned he wanted to do the Dad thing and pay for everything when with his daughter. But I don't understand his perception being incongruent with reality. He has no income and is spending money he can't afford and acts like he can.
I was taking of doing the workl encouraging him to commit to it. That he CAN be successful if he is disciplines and does the work and writes queries and pounds the pavement and takes what is out there without being too proud to not work at times for less but also not giving his labor or his art away. I was encouraging him that once busy MOST people GET MORE DONE and that the structure of ANY JOB might help him find himself more organized and get in flow and even start painting more if he carved time out and scheduled that time. I was talking about how he has a studio space in a rented garage and should be confident to just GO THERE AND WORK Everyday then hit every opportunity to sell his work and don't look at is as too far to spend gas money and too much effort. DO THE WORK and be CONSISTENT and unwavering but keep doing the work if you want to be successful.
IF YOU DO NOTHING
But I also was not buying into any idea of me working with him on his goals. I kept the clear boundary for me of encouraging him. I would help out IF ASKED in ways that make sense for me to - areas I CAN. But I encouraged him that the money it makes sense to spend would be in investment in SELF to land the next job-
OR if he wants to work as an artist and do his best to make money at that then NOW is ther PERFECT TIME
TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE TO FUCKING WORK AND CREATE EVERY day
I was encouraging him to be realistic and act.
I talked about my concern of spending. My distaste for eating out all that often. Honestly it makes me uncomfortable when I know it is not in budget. I won't pay to go out and fry up some eggs and toast. I would rather go for a walk in the park and eat at home than have HIM take me to breakfast if he can't afford it- but I graciously accepted those breakfast, and lunch dates when he did call last minute while also talking to him about the concern he is being fiscally wise-
I don't have a budget for eating out at all just now.
So here are the articles in order read. They really do resonate.
In talking to my therapist I spoke to her about how a good sex life is really CALMING To the hyperactive overly aroused trauma informed brain and body. I said that I clearly recognized that there is a healing that comes through sexual relations with others and that is why some very traumatized do BETTER When in relationship. (JUNE She is STABLE when she is in relationship! She doesn't LOOK to be in a relationship and does not jump from one to the other but boy it is so obvious when she is in a partnership with a healthy sex life SHE is MUCH MORE STABLE. It is the most amazing thing. Her mental illness spirals once she is alone.) I recognized this so was very conscientious in choosing healthy mutual consenting dating relationships where I did have good sex regularly- even with multiple partners as I recognized there is something HEALING and actually GOOD about that if sex is not used SELF or OTHER Destructively.
I think it fascinating as one of these articles talks of the addiction of sex or romantic relationships. I never felt that addiction ever. I mean I can take sex or leave it- but prefer when there is a healthy attachment and LOVE of the partner in a realtionship with clear understanding and paramaters.
SO although I have never felt an addictive pull or any obsession with sex- I RECOGNIZE it in some of the men I have dated. ( Faucci certainly- at least IT has been his albatross... his trauma bonding to be a balm of his abandonment injury and he is one who then abandons his lover and finds a new one. That is his pattern! HE is really bad at that. This long term 7 yr relationship for him is good for him if he can overcome the infidelity and not do it again. Prior to her after his divorce he has had a sting of girlfriends... the dating and breaking hearts of women as he discards them Oh and in his 33 yr marrigage a string of infidelities...).
I don't think that is ever seen as a problem however.
There is something I have to tell you..
YUP I write about my life.
hmm... I don't think so until it is serious.I mean why scare someone away. HA HA HA
Create a submission calendar.
When you have a great novel idea
When you have a good poem
Then do it again and again
(Hell i saved mine and am really proud as editors invested TIME and energy into written feedback which I found VERY encouraging.)
BUT I get it for some who are truly trying to carve out a career making money that they want to enter the world of being published at the top. SOME will do this. That is great for those with talent who do the work to get there! Like my writer kid- who is doing the work to be introduced in THOSE spaces; or my son the actor who has done the work and has an agent trying to land ONLY leading roles or very carefully curated supporting that will lead to other things. BUT THOSE ARE THE ARTISTS WITH DEDICATED FOCUS WHO FOR YEARS DID THE WORK
Because THEY HAVE DONE THE WORK with intense focus and discipline.
No one emerges in those spaces without the YEARS OF WORK and discipline that others do not see.
The thing I hope for in my incredibly talented and focused artist children is that they are NOT narcissistic to the point of destructiveness.
I think my son is figuring that out well ! HOW to NOT be self absorbed and I think he will do fine. My writer child is still working on it. She too will be fine...
SO for the rest of us who just enjoy writing
WE CAN also enjoy the accomplishment of publishing and sharing our work with others if we are not grandiose and aiming so high and look at what is achievable and available to create work to share
Which is why I think it beautiful Art is going to paint a mural at a local restaurant EVEN IF he is not paid more that $500 for it.
Something about the joy of the creation when doing what one loves that is sometimes enough. but it is wonderful to also be acknowledged and PAID so as an artist one can be able to do their unique creative work.
OK I am going to eat breakfast and kill this day.
I think I just want to see him create and birth more beautiful things into this world.
I want to be a PART of that creativity of bringing something beautiful into this world.
YES so I fall in love with artists, musicians, creatives as that is core of who I am and a core value of MINE
I ahve not focused on becoming a master in any art. I have not had the singular focus and dedication and done the work.
OR Even being a supportive player to those who create
BUT I have to be able to be available to that creativity blossoming in ME to the extent it CAN EVEN IF it is only at times by being the model or muse
I therefore can't remain in relationship to Art who really wants OWNERSHiP
He wants to have a safe refuge where he has all he needs but it is protected from what he sees as the threats of the outside world.
YES That came AFTER the incredible BEAUTY of the creations WITH ART.
I think I did not expect Art to be the same or me to be the same
" I think I just wanted the beauty of being creative with ARt. I WANT That act of co-creation we have had and I hoped for again"
Yes a marriage of sorts
BUT creativity and birthing comes from union ONLY when there is not destroying of one of the selves in that coupling.
IT never can happen when there is engulfing of one; loss of ones autonomy of self.
Do I fear engulfment? Absolutely
I don't see how Art misses understanding that his fear , his inclination to want to be alone and protected and "Safe" on his mountain away from others
IS really isolation from others to the point of not being conducive to creativity.
Maybe I am wrong and some need Walen Pond. Maybe that is the formula that works for Art.
After that relationship years ago I in part didn't want to let go of the beauty of creating.
It won the juried show 3rd place and was truly beautiful
We were in love and our creativity together blossomed
I mean this is what we do
Its like that was what I envisioned IN MY Marriage to a musician! Yet when I was married my husband shut out the possibility of collaboration with me as for some reason that desire made HIM feel encroached on. FOR HIM he wanted that space of his music and wanted to protect it as it was his sense of self and he didn't want to share that part of himself with me in a collaborative sense.
I was overjoyed to not just dance but also then learn to drum, in hopes I could play with him
He had shut down. distanced
I never understood it.
So its interesting it is the SHARING of creation in an artistic sense that I wanted in my marriage; and which I have HAD in the relationship with Art.
It has been beautiful and I think I thought I we could create something new and beautiful again.
I pitched and art idea project to him and he has zero interest in it. I said to my therapist-
It needn't be romantic.
YES what I love about ARt is his passion . is his creativity, is his ART is the beauty that he creates and brings into this world. I loved being a part of that. I loved the joy and beauty he brought into my world.
But I can't do dysfunction. I can't trade off my mental wellness and stability and security for love of art or love of ART. Heck no.
And I don't think it would be loving of him to accept dysfunctional patterns. To accept abusive and controlling communication. Heck no- that is not love.
He has been challenged to see this again, and to grow.
But I have grown.
"I will not be abused."
to which he responded in kind to her "If you walk out this door don't come back"
"You are free of me."
Because I am not afraid of relationship at this point; but it will not be an unhealthy one- and this one just WAS NOT healthy so not the one for me.
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