2022-06-25 - 12:08 p.m.

This is really interesting.

I want to of course figure out if I am avoidant

https://www.askcraig.net/news/2020/10/20/how-to-recognize-an-avoidant-person

I do know I was proud of the fact my kids all slept through the night! I raised my kids the same way my parents raised me! They were of the generation that was taught to leave babies alone to learn to self sooth! It works in the sense the baby does learn very quickly not to fuss if fussing doesn't get a result. HOWEVER studies also show that is not the way for people to learn that they can trust caregivers to meet needs. That is a way to train a person to NOT articulate needs or ask for help as when they do they will be ignored. Fascinating...-

So likely I am a bit avoidant as apparently that is what happens when raised in family where parents dismiss kid's crys for attention. The "walk it off" type of family. No one ever said that ( I have other friends who joke about that, but no wonder my family all found that Monty Python scene so hilarious where the knight is like "It's just a scratch". Probably very NEW ENGLAND.... WASP... HA HA ( although we were Catholic)

HOWEVER What is really interesting is that I see the avoidant behaviors in the men I have DATED as well ! ( Avoidant attacted to Avoidant? YEAH That is going to go nowhere very slowly.... HA HA Like the 5 yr relationship with the attorney who only expressed desire for commitment after I was REALLY DONE and broke up with him; of the 6 yr relationship with a man who could never say "I love you" directly but things like "You know I care alot about you." OR "you know its not because of how I FEEL about you but just our situation that we can't have a committed relationship. I mean we are in two different cities" ( I did at perhaps year 1 anniversay challenge that thinking and say "People MOVE ALL THE TIME to choose to actully have a committed life together. That is really not very crazy, especially since you can work remotely" (He was resistant to the idea ! HA HA I was trying to get him to VISIT and work via a laptop 5 years ago and he is so resistant to change! COVID you would think would have helped him get over that resistance to try that- but what is hilarious to me is his suppliers are all over the freakin country and world so he basically could have been working from anywhere the past 25 years but never tried to.)

It is so fascinating to me to listen to this podcast about why to AVOID being in relationship with AVOIDANTS

"Because you will get attached and the avoidant will be off doing their own thing"

"Don't ignore the red flags "-

then also "Be careful of the benefit of the doubt"

and focus on HOW TO CHOOSE A good partner.

LEARN what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

IF not healthy there will be a break up-
It will not last.

NEED to make your needs known from day one.

Avoidants will get confused if you need more emotional support so you have to explain what you mean by that. Learning how to read each others emotions

TIPS to recognize avoidant people:

AVOIDANTs will leave you feeling like you are not cared about;
make you feel like it is all your fault
They honestly don't understand their own distancing/

FASCINATING Here is another one- I find this interesting NOT because of the current situation ( but rather that when young I had a GREAT relationship and randomly dumped the guy.I did not really understand my own fear because things were GOOD way back then ! This was college.)/p>

https://www.askcraig.net/news/2020/9/29/why-they-left-a-great-relationship

I am laughing listening to this-
Like how nothing speaks of trauma than the person saying "I Love You" immediately before getting to even know the person
HA HA HA

Avoidant attachment style has trouble with a long term commitment-
the feeling of being overwealmed.

BEING REALLY CLOSE TO SOMEONE gets frightening
fear of being controlled
fear of being engulfed
value independence

Interesting

SO I definitely resonate with this as I absolutely felt smothered.

IF you allow the person some time and space they might take another look at it.

Not necessarily

Not necessarily when there are ACTUAL abusive tactics used due to the other person's ANXIETY So this is Art https://www.askcraig.net/news/2016/9/9/my-partners-anxiety-is-driving-me-crazy-anxious-attachment-style-example
Wants to be serious IMMEDIATELY etc... and then the outbursts due to anxiety which of course SCARE me and push me away. It is classic textbook in a way. Regardless I do not think it wise to commit to someone trauma bonding. I

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