2022-06-26 - 10:45 p.m.

I finally practiced guitar.
I feel like it is the first time my system was not in a hyperarousal state in days to be honest.
I am happy it was so soothing to me and YES I still know the few tunes I learned and can actually sit and find it a joy to play them.

I have another couple patches of itchy ( poison ivy I presume!) crop up.

Along the elastic waistband area of the back of my underwear is a recurring spot! Now everything has been laundered so many times- yet I still get a recurrance of itchy bumps there where the elastic rubs. Maybe it is not poison ivy but exzema? Although I have been only able to wash with cold water in my machine as the hot water line is fused stuck! I had shut it off YEARS AGO after learning for most things cold water is sufficient. ( Bleach works to disincfect for whites if needed; and detergent is sufficient along with a hot dryer to kill germs and even mites.) So maybe the oils just didn't wash away with only cold water?? I
I do think it still poison ivy as it is in the same spots that was it- so the oil must be somewhere that I get re-exposed to it.
My right arm had one bump crop up which I truly thought was a spider bite the other morning when I awoke. ( 2 days ago now?) But then it spread.
Now there are two patches of itcy bumps that appear to be poison ivy emerging on that arm. Just not sure where I keep getting it from- but somewhere... maybe on my comforter? blankets? sheets?

Or a towel?

I just don't know but it is annoying. I will wash all this bedding once again. Come to think of it I did NOT Wash my comforter! That may be the culprite. WHY? Because the ADHD brain sometimes drops even important things? Just didn't think to do it? no real rational explaination... as it was kinda obvious when washing the sheets etc.. and every item of clothing I knew I wore, that the comfortor on my bed should have been laundered as well. EDITED later- as I realized as stripped sheets, Its also got some tears that then Bellatrix enjoyed pulling stuffing out of... and I did not mend those spots so I was worried it might fall apart when washed so now that I think about it I just decided to not wash it and see what happened. I was hoping that there was not poison ivy on it and if I washed everything else it I would be fine. The ADHD brain has thoughts then it is the weirded thing they are not remembered. ( Maybe just trauma brain? I don't know which ... but I will say something, then later recall MORE about the situation... and this I KNOW does not do well for my credibilty as it happens all the time. Disordered ADHD thinking... recall... etc... I swear it is what contributes to even really honest ADHD people seeming so non trustworthy! Between not remembering some things until later... which are true.. just recalling LATER and filling in blanks seems suspect; and then between not following through on some things cause PLUM FORGET it is really TRUE ADHD folks are not as reliable and therefore not as trustworthy - in the sense can trust them to follow through. I think that is one of the biggest challenges for the ASHD Person. To BE responsible! To be consistent and follow through and not drop things; forget about things. Well tomorrow is another day so that can go on that TO that is getting longer. * And as I edit today- I HAVE NOT Tackled the TO DO LIST. I had a number of medical appointments to manage- to look at this weeks plan for them. There are three this week. Still at the AVG now of three medical appointments a week. I should get my one kid to therapy too- that would be helpful I think. ( Maybe try to see if both would go? The other SAID they wanted a trauma informed therapist to wrk with on one occassion. That is the almost adulting kid I have been helping at their request still manage medical stuff as it is super overwealming for them. I hoped they would dispute the decision to not cover routine bloodwork but I took that on last week and am glad that was done at least.) I today text stormed back and forth with ART. I intended on a thoughful letter. He texted yesterday and I said I need time before even talking as I am processing this grief. BUT OF COURSE for him needing time means like a day HA HA I MEANT Give me some space dude and maybe in a few weeks or month or so we can talk to learn from this. I DID NOT mean I want to re-open and work on a relationship. But of course I got a text today. He said all he can do is try to understand what he did wrong and apologize. He did leave flowers and a sweet note saying Friendship always Love, Art. Both were thoughtful But it really comes down to if in his family, and in him there are some behaviors they are all just FINE WITH but which are the very same I could not be in a family where they were the norm Cause they are so opposite what I need for my comfort and for me to trust. YES Italian families are passionate! I don't want to call them all crazy.... But... well... there are some actual very ingrained cultural norms acceptable in Italian families that I have issue with. and again, super triggering to me. I just will not live in a home where there is YELLING as the normal way to communicate. I spent enough time visiting Art and his Dad to see that is part of their norm. The yelling back and forth- I mean that is not inherently bad and it didn't trigger me when it was his Dad yelling to him "Supper is ready!" I Mean it is lovely that his Dad enjoys having him there. But there is such co-dependence that I think Art has relied on that IS NOT healthy as I don't see Art stepping up to the plate. That is something I am TRYING TO NOT have be the norm FOR MY kids. I am trying to give my two kids with chronic illness support so they CAN be independent. I don't see Art as himself independent so how the heck could I have a relationship with this man, no matter how much I love him? and his insecurities resulting in control are the deal breaker for me. I was fine dating and seeing where he goes with his next step in life. Some folks need more time... HE TOO is clearly ADHD and needs more time to get his shit together. But as he will not accept NORMAL HEATHY DATING to let something develop OR NOT and had to push it.... well NO GO. DONE Before it had time to even have potential. He imploded our relationship and doesn't even see it. So I did text to give him my perspective. I am hoping to not be hurtful. I am taking ownership that I CANNOT give him what HE wants while being honest that I think he needs to take a good look at what self care he has been avoiding. I told him I have seen his mood swings, see it in his family (diagnosed... in others... he just avoided care! He WOULD be so easily diagnosed and the thing is THEN TREATED as well! WHY THE HELL does anyone with trauma RESIST That? I GET IT if they can't afford care. That I get. That sucks BUT if you HAVE access to care then there are supports out there. As a Vet sure the VA may be sucky compared to other care-but the do still offer supports best taken advantage of rather than being in denial and avoidant. So there you have it where I am at. Little work to do for work today. I REALLY need to figure out THIS WEEK NEXT STEPS to my business development. I can't sit with grief and let that knock me or I will have serious consequences so have to KEEP ACTING. KEEP MOVING FORWARD. So today medical appoinments and when back will do something on my TO DO to move forward. Log into my hosting site to see if I can fix the leads going to the right email #1 on my list; and if I can't fix it quick then a call to web designer. I may also rely on my Buffalo friend who does promotions work to tweak my business card rather than the gal I hired. She worked so hard for fixed price and I professionally respect her effort AND HER TIME. The card she provided is LOVELY but it only had logo and company name. I want to add a few words on the card as to ACTUAL SERVICES I provide. Two words cover the general gist- As I know MYSELF I could get a card then later look at it and have no clue what the person provides. IT HAS TO BE CRYSTAL CLEAR and not reliant on them taking the next step of scan of QR code or going to my website to find out if they forgot! That is critical I think, I Can chat with her, but also could send art file to my Buffalo friend and have him tweak it. I did it myself and printed a first round of cards- HOWEVER I did not fix the font color exact! The added text is black and not the really nice navy That needs fixing on the next round. I also hand cut those card printed on card stock and my cutting is not EXACT. I want to finalize design before ordering a set of them. (AND need to wait til catch up on bills and have CASH to spend on this OR til have a business line of credit- even a tiny one- before I order cards. I am trying to avoid ANY CREDIT for my business and rely on my own self being my angel investor! HA HA More sound to not spend until I have cash flow IN if I can develop a few initial clients without any further investment) There is a conference I thought of attending but I don't have the cash. I COULD NOT ask my employer to sponsor me unless I were to ONLY do BD for them! (That would not be right!) And now I HAVE To do BD for MY COMPANY, Last time I tried on their behalf and laughed as the only companies wanting to engage with sincerity were a couple my CEO had no interest in. Ce la vie... for very good reasons of his (past knoweldge of performance issues) Maybe it is imposter syndrome that I feel like there has to be TANGIBLE return for my company I am an employee of to pay for a professional conference... But I think it really I am honest about if there is a RETURN for them worthy of their investment or not. I felt like for this upcoming conference, after so much going on with the graduations and family etc...I did not have ENERGY to be fully prepared to go and ROCK IT on behalf of my employer. I had an article idea I wanted to write. I stared and then did not have energy right before the deadline to finish it. I let it drop. I WANTED To publish an article in the professional mag and had a great conversation with the actual editor who came up to me after I presented at the LAST conference on behalf of a group I worked in. Just one of those very small breakout interactive group things. I was the presentor of our solution... and she was impressed. I DiD ROCK IT, at That last conference, It was excellent for my company! I actually was approached by a number of good contacts. The thing is I need to keep active and leverage each time I show up. I did show up for a workshop they had on preparing a proposal to present at this conference I did not register for as just NOT UP FOR IT now. The confrerence in in July. I had what I thought was a great idea of a working session to provide training in something I am damn strong at. I really wanted to INFLUENCE the space as a thought leader. When I am on fire with excitement and energy I can do that VERy WELL. And when not.... well I could ALSO go rock it. I am GOOD at public speaking. I consistently SHOCK THE HELL out of anyone I work with who sees me in action at that. They are always absolutely shocked at how I navigate teaching or presentations. It is my gift and I have not had much opportunity to offer that in work spaces in recent years. I LOVE when I can do so. Honestly I so enjoyed my boss that fired me (after she was transphobic! HA) because she ALSO loves this and she intentionally went out of her way to not only providing excellent trainings for us but also to MENTOR her team and have US provide group trainings to each other! There was much I LIKED about her as a boss! Truth be told it was a co-worker who was competetive and I think manipulative who was the toxic personality in that space most of all. She was passive agressive and I think caused more dissent and then insecurity in my boss to protect her role. MY BOSS also moved on from that space! Two out of the three other folks I worked with no longer there as well. (They quit) and interestingly the only one remaining is the one I though was the covertly negative toxic person who created dissent and lack of cohesion in her competetiveness and her survival instinct of fighting dirty to make herself seem stronger and look better. She created such a negative enviroment I think yet she is the lone one standing! Now my boss DID have control issues and micromanaged and attacked for dumb things once she was stressed! But she did not do that to me at first! Only when she felt threatened! OLD Crap... but interesting as it was fine at that job until she saw pictures of my kids. It is touch being a professional with trans family members in this world where not only trans folks are actually discriminated against but also those who love them! Its the same as having been a white woman who fell in love with a black man and encountered the shock of racial discrimination then. Or the parent of mixed kids so being at the receiving end of hate. Its so weird to be at the receiving end of prejudice and fear when it is of fear of people one loves. Its such an odd space to navigate. I loved so much To Kill A Mockingbird for this reason, as it shows the challenges of wanting to affect change and being ostrazized from one's own community , not really a part of it anymore, due to seeing things differently about others that are seen as separte from your community- by embracing them as one's own, but then there are distict differences that a white person OR a non disabled person, or one more similar in ways to the majority and not fully able to share the identity of the minority, can not SHARE and EXPERIENCE and even perhaps UNDERSTAND as it is not for them.. not about them... but the beloved does belong to a distinct communty YOU as the one who loves them DOES NOT and WILL NOT EVER BE A PART OF. That is ok as it is part of the beloeveed uniuqe identiy So as my oldest said to me "Thank you for letting me walk where I will" and in relation to some of her art and some of the responses "It was not for you" when I asked about something she referred to. I don't NEED to understand the fulllness of her experieinces, her story, her being and navidating in this world to love her and be present for her when she wants me to be. I just find it weird with controllers, be they Bosses, or parents, or friends or lovers.... that they don't understand how to give someone else SPACE TO EXIST separate and distinct as their own unique self and then APPREACHIATE when the person comes to share what part of their self, their talent, ther work their presence, their relationship as they choose- without there being fear or discontent at that which they don't understand about the person and what is NOT shared. In any realtionship it seems control is about the controller moreso than the object/person/ thing being controlled. It seems to me out of an insecurity and fear of not undersanding as well as not controlling outcomes but most of all it seems a fear of not being the center of attention, not relevant and not ESSENTIAL , not IMPORTANT. It seems to be driven by ego most of all! Fear of allowing space for something that is NOT you seems very egotisical to me. One of the songs I play on guitar is "Hands" by Jewel. That one seemingly simple line to me is so rich. "My hands are small I know , but there not yours, they are my own." I for some reason feel like my presence somehow challenges and threatens some simply as I insist on space for others' existance to be honored.

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