2022-06-26 - 11:44 a.m.

To add
At least Art did respect the boundary of gently knocking then leaving.
He got it-

My doors were not locked truth be told so good thing he is not someone who would OPEN the door uninvited.

I don't need to fear that kind of behavior.

I just locked both front and back door and am going to nap before I work as this just made me tired even having to consider a conversation before I can have one.

I honestly was planted on my couch and felt that scene in MAID when she was sinking in being swallowed by the couch or the tree was one of the best depictions EVER of being in a state of not beign able to function and DO ANYTHING.

I am not in that state-

NO not quite

But I was planted on the couch and not wanting to move

NOT FEAR acutely
Not like the PTSD panic attack where I felt like I couldn't breath

but moreso a holding of my breath
and feeling of sadness and resolve
along with acceptance

and the thought "I am in my pajamas!"
knowing I am not going to answer in my PJS not ready to have a conversation not wanted to invite him in to chat and not prepared to go outside to chat.

Just knowing now it not the time for that.

Now is time for a nap
as that did just deplete my energy and makes me exhausted.

I am not resentful of that. Just self aware. Self aware I was feeling such RELIEF at being able to relax the past few days. Self aware that my PEACE was being restored and I could breathe again. Self aware I just relished the time alone to rest uninterrupted without stress. Self aware I NEED much alone time to recharge and that Art was not allowing that or understanding my needs. Self aware of the disappointment when I heard that knock any my nervous system which had been getting back to rest most was just re-activated out of that restful peaceful space and aware of the tightening of my back and holding of breath. It is distinct from the acutal panic attack felt with racing heart and not being able to breathe at all but still this feeling of being immobile and planted on the couch and thinking I CAN NOT MOVE and wondering if I wanted to move if I even could. I felt immobilized but not panic- hard to describe the distinction but they are distinct. The stuck on the couch image in MAID as opposed to the being swallowed whole image of being engulfed into the couch!

And just self aware that after feeling heartbroken for a few days yesterday I felt BETTER after exercise in the AM, getting outside of being self focused by connecting and listening to my lady friends at my Artist Way group; then WORKING.

I so love the job at the retirement community. Nothing more healing than paying attention to others and doing good work and not being self absorbed in my view.

I enjoyed a really nice long conversation while the desk was super slow. I broke my no cell phone and no talking personally at work when I happened to have my phone on me ( I threw it in a purse as I just felt like dressing up and pulled out a beautiful designer purse as a nice pick me up- the one that was the favorite of the older friend June and her daughter cared for over those 10 yrs- in her memory and honor and with fondness and I just wanted strength of my women friends)
SO I carried a purse ( which seldom do) and therfore threw the cell phone it it.

It was with me rather than in car where i ofren leave it while working. I really don't want distraction!
My kids know land line in emergency!

So I answered it as it was a quiet time after dinner and it was my friend who's husband died a year ago October. I imagine Father's Day was super hard for her and her two sons. She also had the NEED to discuss the overturn of Roe. I listened first
then gave her the update of the kids. I never had mentioned Art to her and no need to I really needed to be a friend to give her support.
IT was nice to hear from her as we have been playing phone tag and while at work , I COULD LISTEN although it is not a place I would share my personal business and talk much!! But that was good to connect with her in that mode moreso than talking.

I am glad she and her boys are doing OK.
I would like to go visit them; and my bestie and her daugher when I have money and means to do so,

So just a small nap. Then I think will get up and make a nice meal as i thawed out salmon- so that I know the kids have the opportunity for one healthy meal today!

They get by if I don't cook.
Yesterday it was mac and cheese.
I know they will eat
Mac and cheese and Italian Ices and ice cream! HA HA
and the homemade peanutbutter break my kid made the day before yesterday. So proud one is really great at cooking and has skills to know how to make what we need! This kid has made crackers for goodness sake! Last week they whipped up a big batch of CHEX MIX as we had no snacks in the house but Chex cereal came our way, and there were big bags of nuts leftoever from a church funeral where the wonderful beloved lady LOVED nuts to snack on and wanted them served at her end of life party!

Its hard to guage how many nuts you need when you are not sure how many people showing.... the shopper for that event went a bit overboard so I froze BAGS of nuts in the church freezer and we all took some home too!! HA HA

I figure come Christmas time perhaps youth group can make cookies...and use them. Or the next pancake breakfast I will throw them in if still some left. OF If months go by I may lift the frozen ones and bring home to use if not used for a church event and they are taking up room in the freezer there too long.

Yesterday the one meal I made to ensure teens and young adults had one healthy meal was brunch of multigrain berry nut pancakes with some nice dark chocolate for our seratonin balancing... ha ha (90% on clearance! Bitter but I added vanilla and it was great with even cheap syrup) served with cut up apples.
My kids are so funny as they will NEVER pick up an apple to bite and eat, or an orange. BUT they are like little kids so if I cut up the apples and serve them, or I peel or slice the oranges they eat them.

We were given FIVE HEADS Of lettuce weeks ago when I got the food delivery help.
I made salads EVERY night with dinner and discovered same with salad. The past year I have been asking "Who wants a salad" and everyone says "NO"
and I respected that.
UNTIL I got FIVE HEADS OF LETTUCE I was not going to waste when we are hungry!

Heck if hungry you eat what you have.
So I made variations of salads

Waldorf
Western style with corn ( we had so much corn to use- still have a half dozen ears, I will cook with salmon today).
some classic with olives and crappy American cheese but the crunchy onions and croutouns kicked it up

AND
TWO OUT OF THREE OF MY KIDS ATE SOME OF THE SALADS

They are so much like little kids still sometimes.

So I was making plates and saving them for any sleeper and serving any awake as they did want a meal whenever I cooked all week. ( This is the norm).

The one unique thing was that they did eat the salad which I was happy about.

If I did not cook I swear the one would live on ramen and mac and cheese. The funny thing is a few years ago that seemed to be all one of the older ones would eat and now they are the other cook in the household!

So grateful for that ! Their peanut butter bread was really lovely.
Today I also started out the day making a molassas oat bread in the bread machine.

It was lovely and in part the reason I was still in PJS linering and not on time for church as it was not done until just after 10!

OK quick 15 min nap, then prepare for work and cook a meal before off for day.
Tonight I will bring my guitar to work. One of my fav things is to practice there in the evening when it gets quiet. The residents that are up wandering around board really actually apprechite it.

OH one moment of joy! One of the ladys who lives there, in fact one most confused much of the time. sat down at an electronic piano set up in the activity room last night right after dinner and played beautifully for a good 40 min or so.

I heard this the last time I was working but was at the desk and did not go see who it was. This time she played as I was up and about running some errand ( an amazon delivery actually)- so I walked that way and saw her. It was set super load as she can' t hear very well. I tried to be polite in shutting some of the doors from that room- as it was still very lovely and could be heard VERy WELL with half the doors shut and the other half open.
I thought it might be too loud for some lingering chatting at the tables in the dining room.

I then went to shut some dining room doors- again for same reason, near the folks lingering chatting and it was lovely to get the response
"Oh we love listening to her play!"

THey were lingering TO LISTEN and enjoy her music! TO which I said "Oh wonderful! YES me too! "
The servers cleaning up were also so enjoying her accompaniment.

It was just so lovely and I didn't shut any more doors but left that set open. Her beautuful music was very uplifting and happy and we all so apprechiated it.

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