2022-06-26 - 11:23 a.m.

WHy the fuck is someone knocking at my door uninvited?

REALLY

Sorry I did not answer calls or texts because I am not interested in talking now.

I have to prioritize my needs,
my health
and my boundaries are essential to my self care.

Dang

June is out of town so I know not her. The only other person in my life who does not respect boundaries and would show up unannounced.
I am sure he is heartbroken as well
but he needs to tend to his own self care while I tend to mine.

That is not my responsibility.

When you act
You accept the consequences and need to take ownership of the result of your own actions.

Its a tough thing to do.

I recall My oldest leaving her Dad after he kicked her out on an occassion.
he of course backtracked

That is what abusers do.

They act rashly
act hurtful
then expect others to pretend they did not act so.

My oldest of the 2nd marriage grew into her own to have self esteem and agency and not be manipulated and said

NO
YOU can not just pretend to not have acted poorly and take no accountability.

My youngest says "Maybe he wants to apologize and talk in person"

SURE

but it is not OK to show up unannounded.
That is in fact one of the MAIN BEHAVIORS that he just DOES NOT GET is not acceptable. Maybe I am being mean. But I know I need to protect myself and my family and have this remain a safe space for us. I don't even care of that is a fear based decision. It doesn't FEEL LIKE it in this moment. It feels like a WISE CHOICE and is not based on any past trauma but based on the actual CURRENT behaviors of this real man in this moment. I had decided to give the courtsey of an old fashioned letter. I did not write it yet but I think that is the best way to actually communicate. Old fashioned letter writing. One can be thoughtful and take time in being responsive and clear in their communication in a letter. NOT rash not saying things you don't mean. I have journaled and know what I wish to share with him. I need to be careful as no I don't want to be hurtful or mean, just honest. I think of when Faucci my neighbor belabored over a letter to his beloved precipiating one break up. He wrote this letter to break up with her with explaination of his reasons. In the end- for him it was a catalyst to address issues as she showed up unannounced and he answered his door. He could not be strong in his resolve to end the relationship and they discussed and worked through the issues and are better than ever. HA HA I know better. Perhaps that was what was Wise for Faucci and what I expected and hoped for him (I hoped what is BEST for him to manifest- be it he break up and be alone and continue to learn and grow; or be it they get back together.) Jumping back together is not what I want for myself just now. His knock is gentle. He is still here trying to not be threatening for sure. That is good and makes me feel better at least, the gentleness of the knock. Real time i write as it is for me still that safety must come first. That is something I know and need to honor. This writing me feel safer as I am not so disconnected. Even if alone- Not that I am afraid of ART in any way as I was afraid of my Ex husband. But still the act of knowing that there is communication to SOMEONE about what is going on when there has been any signs of what could become a dangerous situation is essential for me and I know will continue to be something I NEED. I mean SAFETY is my baseline necessity. So please walk away Art and just think "I did not know how fucked up she is." YES Think that and walk away thinking I AM NOT relationship material. Think I am not good for you and move on to find what you need. I write that with gentleness, not anger. Presereve his ego. Let him think it is me. I am not going to try to fix him or cajol him to change. I am a mother already and the last thing I want is a relationship in which I am a mother figure. I refuse that. I will not do it. I just don't want anyone who is not grown ( enough) in the ways I need to have a healthy partnership. Maybe it is true I AM ALSO NOT THERE YET so be it. Then I need time to continue to grow ALONE until I am capable and ready. It is not now and I can just say I am sorry for that. /p>

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