2022-06-28 - 3:44 p.m.
This morning I looked at my calendar and was trying to recall why I thought there was supposed to be some medical appt this afternoon I did not see there.
It was a theapy appointment for me.
DAMN How did I FORGET that today?
I left work at 2:30 and would have been home EXACTLY IN time to attend the virtual appointment with the therapist I started seeing.
I got a call from Art and was like "Why is he CALLING ME?? DId he really not GET IT?"
I had engaged in texting and thought he got it after all the discussion of WHY I can't be in relationship. He acted empathatic in text to understanding he has not really understood I have needs that need to be prioritized.
HE obviously did not get any of the conversation I had of GRIEVING the end of the relationship with him
I guess my writing I can't be in relationship with anyone triggering me by yelling, getting angry and having impulsive outbursts then saying negative things attacking me ( like the veiled accusatory quesitoning of men in my orbit- but it when go to work, or anywhere... etc.)
So I had to be more direct.
He really doesn't get it.
He is quite oblivious to the reality that I need to focus to SURVIVE.
I hate being back in what feels like survivor mode.
Stress of not much work
Overall happy doing well enough as I AM getting sleep
and well, but for I FOGOT to eat til 4pm yesterday...oops
I had some frozen salmon bought some months ago that I thawed and am proud I pulled out the grill and cooked it up with corn and apples. The first batch of apples were lovely , grilled apples with cinnimon and they tasted marveolous. After dinner they were so good I threw on the last two remaining apples and left them there for HOURS until I pulled them off the grill at midnight for a midnight snack.
I never really cooked with a grill so at first simply as something new it felt intimidating. BUT I have cooked over a campfire and thrown a grate down so many times! I mean as a mom who was on a tight budget taking my kids camping that was the only way to cook! Not to mention growing up camping...
I mean last night he also asked if I wanted to come over so I should not be surprised. But I think I was still in that state of -- IDK,, like mental shock? Not processing things? Like I forgot he texted that...
I mean I was really focused when he texted that as I had a board meeting last night and was trying to grill at the same time- just before it getting the grill ready so I could cook dinner and log into the virtual meeting ( as some folks out of town so not in person this month).
I was so busy and distracted and wished my phone had not been on my person ( but I had to use it to log into the meeting) so I just rifled off a NO board meeting tonight.
It was so quick I think I did that and honeslty barely processed the ask or the communication-
Its like if what USED to be NORMAL communication comes in when you are TIRED you just go on autopilot
Which is WHY NO CONTACT is important when processing a breakup. Need time to sit with SELF and work out feelings and greif and letting go and not just get pulled back into HABIT or routine or not be emotionally strong enough at some points in the face of a person YOU DO LOVE still when boundaries are not respected.
Its not like your emotional feelings for one you love are going to *POOF* Disappear the moment you choose not to have a realtionshi-.
Heck if that happens to you , then you are even more in need of thearpy as that is NOT being AT ALL attached and a certain sign of someone with an avoidant personality!
Now that DOES make sense if it was early dating and no attachment developed as that kind of attachment is not typically developed quickly! Not certainly in jsut a couple months.
Anyway I have not felt this off... mentally... IN A LONG LONG TIME.
So this sucks. I wanted to have the therapy session today.
AH THAT IS why I had in my head FOUR appointments this week for my family total i needed to be sure folks got to. Figures I made sure two out of four so far done! One yesterday and one this AM- FOR MY KIDS were successfull
Bedtime- I binged watched Greys Anatomy tonight ( OK two episodes only but that is a binge for me!) - 2022-06-29
YEAH fixed my web site issue for contacts! - 2022-06-29
Losing a job sucks - 2022-06-29
I am being fired. (Technically) but offered transition to 1099 - 2022-06-29
ONe last thing not mentioned. STILL Need to wash comforter as itchy Poison ivy just flared up again as I write while laying on my bed. - 2022-06-28