2022-06-28 - 3:44 p.m.

DAMN IT

This morning I looked at my calendar and was trying to recall why I thought there was supposed to be some medical appt this afternoon I did not see there.

It was a theapy appointment for me.

DAMN How did I FORGET that today?

I left work at 2:30 and would have been home EXACTLY IN time to attend the virtual appointment with the therapist I started seeing.

I got a call from Art and was like "Why is he CALLING ME?? DId he really not GET IT?"

I had engaged in texting and thought he got it after all the discussion of WHY I can't be in relationship. He acted empathatic in text to understanding he has not really understood I have needs that need to be prioritized.
But then he CALLED and expected me to spend time with him??

HE obviously did not get any of the conversation I had of GRIEVING the end of the relationship with him
as in I AM LETTING GO
and NO I do not want to be in relationship with him.

I guess my writing I can't be in relationship with anyone triggering me by yelling, getting angry and having impulsive outbursts then saying negative things attacking me ( like the veiled accusatory quesitoning of men in my orbit- but it when go to work, or anywhere... etc.)
did not translate that those were HIS BEHAVIORS and I DO NOT WANT A REALTIONSHIP with HIM.

So I had to be more direct.
I did say I CAN'T BE in a relationship just now as I have to prioritize my needs! I have to provide for my family and HAVE to get clients and income

He really doesn't get it.
If I DO NOT get work
I can't pay my mortgage.

He is quite oblivious to the reality that I need to focus to SURVIVE.

I hate being back in what feels like survivor mode.

Stress of not much work
THEN on top of that his triggering me feels awful for my body. I feel the tension.
I see my mental wellness being a bit less sound and feel more fragile.

Overall happy doing well enough as I AM getting sleep

and well, but for I FOGOT to eat til 4pm yesterday...oops

a blip...
I AM eating well.

I had some frozen salmon bought some months ago that I thawed and am proud I pulled out the grill and cooked it up with corn and apples. The first batch of apples were lovely , grilled apples with cinnimon and they tasted marveolous. After dinner they were so good I threw on the last two remaining apples and left them there for HOURS until I pulled them off the grill at midnight for a midnight snack.
It was applesauce! AMAZING.
They sat and simmered since around 8:30 pm.

I never really cooked with a grill so at first simply as something new it felt intimidating. BUT I have cooked over a campfire and thrown a grate down so many times! I mean as a mom who was on a tight budget taking my kids camping that was the only way to cook! Not to mention growing up camping...
so it was so funny to me how overwealmed and insecure I felt about grilling just cause never have fired up a backyard grill but for a couple of times (and long enough ago I don't recall when last).
It also is my state of mind as I am just more nervous now and reticent about everything as I still feel in a hyperaroused state/ PTSD activated. It really is awful to feel like this.
I texted Art first NO I don't feel well.
I don't want to go anywhere.

I mean last night he also asked if I wanted to come over so I should not be surprised. But I think I was still in that state of -- IDK,, like mental shock? Not processing things? Like I forgot he texted that...

I mean I was really focused when he texted that as I had a board meeting last night and was trying to grill at the same time- just before it getting the grill ready so I could cook dinner and log into the virtual meeting ( as some folks out of town so not in person this month).

I was so busy and distracted and wished my phone had not been on my person ( but I had to use it to log into the meeting) so I just rifled off a NO board meeting tonight.

It was so quick I think I did that and honeslty barely processed the ask or the communication-
if that makes any sense.
As was surprised when got a call from him today and was like "Really?" Then realized... oh yeah.. he doesn't get it...

Its like if what USED to be NORMAL communication comes in when you are TIRED you just go on autopilot
or when distracted
focused on other things

Which is WHY NO CONTACT is important when processing a breakup. Need time to sit with SELF and work out feelings and greif and letting go and not just get pulled back into HABIT or routine or not be emotionally strong enough at some points in the face of a person YOU DO LOVE still when boundaries are not respected.

Its not like your emotional feelings for one you love are going to *POOF* Disappear the moment you choose not to have a realtionshi-.

Heck if that happens to you , then you are even more in need of thearpy as that is NOT being AT ALL attached and a certain sign of someone with an avoidant personality!

Now that DOES make sense if it was early dating and no attachment developed as that kind of attachment is not typically developed quickly! Not certainly in jsut a couple months.
The thing is I have been friends with Art for , I think 15 yrs now.

Anyway I have not felt this off... mentally... IN A LONG LONG TIME.

So this sucks. I wanted to have the therapy session today.

AH THAT IS why I had in my head FOUR appointments this week for my family total i needed to be sure folks got to. Figures I made sure two out of four so far done! One yesterday and one this AM- FOR MY KIDS were successfull
BUT
the one I FORGOT was mine!
I hope it can be rescheduled and I can still see her. She takes my insurance and I have a Healthcare spending account ( HSA) I set up a few years ago that I rarely tap into. I am glad to have use of it now for copays.

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