2022-06-30 - 4:59 a.m.

Fuck it
I am not caving on resolve to NOT work full time; but that goal to have part time income to work less just might have to be put on hold in the short term! It is STILL A goal I know I will meet again!

I know I will land the right fit to support my family and I know I will grow my business so am going to be confident the best option will present itself. However I am being more open to that possibility of full time.

I did just throw my hat in the ring with a few resumes for full time posted jobs in the area.

The last time I did that it was with a cover letter saying I am offering part time temporary support while they look for the right fit.
The hiring manager called me and literally interviewed me and was acting so disappointed she was excited when my resume came through and then read my cover letter

and she sent the "We have reviewed and do not have a position suitable" in response to the application she received and said that was because I applied on the part time temp basis.

But she literally kept talking to me and then told me what salary they would offer if they didn't find anyone else and I could be convinced to take a full time job. I said go ahead and pitch me to the leadership- CEO / CFRO of that company; but I never did hear back from her.

It did give me pause. I mean it would be nice to more than double my income and get out of debt.
So since I am losing this nice part time gig I may be forced to take what I CAN get now. Cause when suddenly can't pay bills and need cash flow one HAS to work full time even if one doesn't WANT TO.

The issue for me is if I work full time there are some medical appointments that will be a PIA to navigate
and i don't know my kids will make progress if I am not here to prod them along.

They really needed a break. I KNOW THAT and know it was not wrong to give that to them as they navigated finishing high school.

But now it is pretty critical to have ongoing income AS I set up my own part time clients through my own company.

SO if I land something else FULL TIME and My current employer does want to flip project work or support my way that would work great. I think the reality is they just wanted someone else to be the throat to choke if things went south with a particular project/client/subcontractor relationship truth be told.

So FUCK iT
I threw in a few more resumes for decent postions in the area; albeit full time.
That tax return did not show up.
I fucking feel FINE When in constant work mode.
I KNOW it is totally fucked up and I know that is the secret of MANY overachievers out there professionally successfull

Trust me many of them are fucking chasing credentials next to their names due to some major insecurities...

HA ( I mean not always true, some are just super capable and continue learning ! BUT SOME... I mean I can tell the some that are putting feathers in their cap as they NEED to feel validated. Not me The ADHD person is the underachiever... ha ha; I suppose unless a VIRGO like me!)

I saw a tag line of an ADHD coach on twitter I thought hilarious.

"Underachieving since 1989" or something like that.

YES!

I joke as my whole family are the chill, super bright seeming underachievers

YET ( this is my brothers I am talking about) when passionate about some project can be the most intense workaholics with passion and energy and creativity,

YUP that is the ADHD brain.

So I just need a fucking full time job immediately.

If I land the right one I should be still able to navigate the running around to medical appointment.... will see. Some are hybrid. No issue logging in from Dr. offices when necessary. Heck have done enough of that to know it works fine.

The funny thing is the recruitment agency that does all the hiring has a Contracts Director role. It seems to ACTUALLY be for their company as opposed to * hmmm * My ACTUAL CURRENT JOB
that would be funny if it were for my job but it has been posted as FULL TIME. (Possible if my boss just didn't gel with me; or if she and or others in leadership are freaked out by having learned more about my diverse family.I mean I don't discount the possibility this is another transphobic informed firing. I have never TALKED of that being the identity of my kids but I DO routinely use the "They " pronoun as it is the reality of who my kids are and the world we are in
BUT I am working with some older and more conservative folk for whom I think that is not yet in THEIR world

So I don't discount the fact I might seem ODD to them.

Whatever...

I am chill about that/ and this letting go of what has been a fantastic situation for the past year and a few months.

Heck the dude who was the VP I supported I notice has had a couple different job changes since he left my former company. So I feel not so bad. Sometimes there is just not a great fit
and the thing is small companies really want a great fit whent they have a super small executive leadership team.

I had this weird prayer come to me YEARS AGO when my kid (oldest son) landed his TV gig.

Truth be told his role on TV is of an actual PSYCHO.. I mean no kidding

It is a freaky role.
He plays a FREAK

The weird prayer that came into my head was "I pray for his success; and my professional success that I am still looked at the same in my workplace"

It seemed like such a VERY WEIRD prayer to bubble up.

I remember that was my prayer AS SOON As he landed the gig!

I remember we were talking, he and I , and I said that had come to mind and that seemed weird. I mean it is about HIM so why when in a prayer of thanks and gratitude for his success professionally did I pray my professional success would not be HARMED ?

Well... sometimes things make sense LATER.

I think it an interesting thing that folks who are really conservative want to be around folks that don't make them uncomfortable. I am SURE many things about me made some uncomfortable... just ... well cultural differences.

I mean one day the TV was on at work. No one was REALLY listening to it. But I knew that station my son is on was running a recurring commercial for the show he is in. So I turned the station on. There were only a handful of us that go into the office every other week ONE DAY. So not many folks there.. but IDK

I guess what trying to say, my current workspace not very diverse. NO POC, no one other than really conservative all kinda seeming similar with military background or military spouses and I am guessing right wing
and I do feel like the black sheep of the group.
I have no issue with that as they are all nice enough- BUT

I can't help feel like I am being canned for having the weird mixed kids again; and the trans kids.

I mean those were OBVIOUSLY The reasons my OLD boss was freaking and acting so appallingly prejudiced.

But really folks WTF?
If you have someone who does a good job; is that reason to let them go?

Can't people just DEAL and accept that there are others whose families don't look like yours and still work together?

I mean why is that still a fucking issue?
YET The recent 19-1392 Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization (06/24/2022) decision-

That is a wake up call to many

THAT YES

there are still so many out there who don't want the world to change and want it to be the way it was 50 plus years ago. The changes in society are threatening to them.

So although I HOPE this is not the case
It is not out of realm of possibilty that the sense that I am not a good *cultural* fit in the current company has more to do with issues of that nature than anything else.

NOW it could be that it WAS based on performance and my boss is avoidant at ever giving feedback or addressing issues as well.

Could be very possible.

But whatever....
I have to let it go so just wanted to at least ADDRESS the possibility it was again a transphobic and racist response to my Being WHO I AM -
which always seems so ... IDK the word
Sad
Disappointing is the main thing I suppose.

Oh but speaking of my son; he is doing so well! He was sweet to help out his younger sister as she graduated college with her education degree and landed her first job but needed the security deposit and first month's rent ( and she had ZERO money left herself!) She has worked her butt off all through college with multiple part time jobs. But she needed the help to get situated so I called my Dad on her behalf and her bro and they both helped her out. I figured that was the most important family traige to get her set up in her career and independence post college.

My oldest also started a new job post her MFA, and was happy to land a well paid corporate copywriter gig.

So we are all doing alright! I have much to be grateful and thankful for! Three out of six are all done with education, college and beyond, and gainfully employed in careers of their choosing. (The copywriter is working on a novel and landed it in space PERFECT for research actually as her book is SCI FI so she wanted a very techincal company in a very specific industy! That is all I will say about that but it is like she envisioned EXACTLY What she wanted and jokes she literally manifested her job. IT is kinda true though and that is how it works- envision what you want and do the work to find it and YOU WILL. I swear it works.)

So I am envisioning a quick job offer to start soon ( HECK two weeks would be great! I was given two weeks notice essentially) which will provide financial stability AND MIRACULOUSLY also be flexible enough to support my shuttling everyone to medical appointments.

Heck I never mind actually digging in and working on a Friday night! Heck if they don't mind me taking off for appointments but catching up on Friday night all will be good. This is one of the reasons I truly also don't want a relationship right now. I was fine dating Art and considering it when I was thinking the kids were all graduated and about to find jobs and my imcome was stable and consistent and I was about to grow my business and INCREASE IT. But that was based on the assumption of longevity of this job ending! You see anyone they have hired has stayed there for years. I KNOW I did a good job which is why I think my being let go is less about my job performance and more about me- MY personality and WHO I am and how that makes some of them uncomfortable.

THEN ALSO CLIENTS for long term to not HAVE DEPENDENCY on any one source of income for my economic stabilty with multiple streams of income from various sources.

YES.

And the full time gig WILL BE at a higher rate than the last one.
That is a given.
I am moving forward; not backwards.

The difference is this is the first time I have been let go when I do not have a nest egg of cash on hand for a few months! Honestly its for the 401K that I want to land a full time job. That is the most important benefit for me; LONG term planning for stability. I just dont have anything near where it needs to be for a sound retirement plan.

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