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2022-07-04 - 7:13 a.m.

I made plans to go enjoy fireworks with my friend who is a coworker from one place I worked for about 4 years. She is just a lovely person and we became really good friends after we did not work together moreso than when we were co-workers. She always came over to my boss and I and was super friendly. We became good friends over the years and today it will be nice to enjoy the fireworks with her.

I had supported her in pulling and analzing data to help her resolve Customer Services issues.

She really respected me and would bring me her work or ask me to review and edit her writing at times.
I often have had someone in spaces I work in, usually a woman friend, who are apprechiative of the time I take helping them out. It's such an interesting thing. Mentorship happens when someone ASKS for it. Its nice when the relationship then changes into a friendship. I think of her as my friend now and almost forgot about those years working together! It comes to mind as I think of the kind of work I hope to do. I enjoy when working with others. I also just thought of this guy I worked with who was the nicest man and worked so damn hard to be good at his job. He was an older worker and he and I both stayed late, as late as it took, for each of us to master whatever we were working on and for us to do it well.

Its an interesting thing- as the only limitation he had was he was not confident. Meaning he did not project confidence. That was a liability in our boss in that particular job respecting him. She was down right abusive to him and I think it was because he was just a considerate, kind, gentle person. What I didn't get was her disprespect simply as he was not an assertive personality. He came in dressed in his professional, sharp, very conservative looking business attire after a long commute and stayed late to ensure his work was solid AND IT WAS. He just had such a quiet dignity about him. There were some things he did not know and some things I did not know ( We had different experiences) and we BOTH helped each other out and taught each other what we did not know. Now he worked on pricing and he did show me the ropes a bit. I handled the freaking receivebled in one whole damn system for another company and have some experience with pricing.

Pricing is not that hard- just time consuming. What I realize is in my current job I spoke too much about my limitations- about the things I was not particularly good at. However I may have been better at them than I gave myself credit for. Perhaps I put myself down and should not have been so quick to say I was happy to not ever have to touch that part of the process. IDK.... just that I don't LIKE doing that work so made it very clear happy to have that done by someone else. But I need to be more confident about my ability to do that I I have to now as I look for clients. I need to get out of the mindset that I am not capable of such work! I HAVE done pricing and I CAN do pricing so have to be confident about it. The main challenge with any proposal work is that you follow all the instructions in the RFP EXACTLY.
Proposal work and Capture Management is something I am actuallly really good at as far as making sure all the requirements are met.

It's not my favorite but I can do it. So now I am thinking and at that decisioning juncture.

The Full time role that I had a conversation about as the HR person from the company called me is still open. I could actually do the work I was doing for the company ( not my current role but the one prior which was full time) and it would be excellent to jump into. I know I would rock it. It would be one which I had to work full time however. I know there will ALWAYS be ANOTHER good fit if I don't land that. But the role is still posted. The thing is in the part time job winding down as employee they want to keep me on but they never really included me in their leadership in the way I was included in the past few spaces I worked in. I knew they were not giving me the full responsibility as my boss was holding tight to some... Actually holding tight to handling MANY Responsbilites that in the past spaces I had managed. BUT as part time only I did not mind that.
It would be great to really jump into a full time role doing all those things-I like the work
I know I am good at it.
But I just think this small company did not want to pass over the reigns of control to me of the fullness of the responsibilities for some reasson. My boss wasn't letting go. I asked her and told her months ago I would take on more and told her I PREFERRED to do so -
There were some things I was working on and she didn't WANT me to do.
That is now what I am seeing as the pattern as it happened three times.
1. NO excitement for the policy and procedures being clearly articulted and captured 2. Push back when I wanted to capture the funding with granular detail- line item by item on the subcontracts I manage. ( Some are firm fixed price but in managing the projects I wanted more break down from the project managers on money spent- so we knew if we needed to adjust funding! I wanted to be prepared and fully aware of what our spend was so wanted to ALSO See our funding to ensure not spending more in any line item than WE Were funded for!)

3. Push back my pushing our subcontractors to get their Certificates of Insurance in compliance.

The thing is when managing a contract I ALWAYS Follow the money!
This is an ESSENTIAL Thing for me in my role- FOLLOW THE MONE; Its an anti fraud thing-
there not only HAS to be segregation of duties in managing billing and receivables and operationally tracking any money matters for compliance checks and to ensure no fraud
there ALWAYS should be transparent flow of budgets and incoming and outgoing an line item accounting
There has to be operationally checks and balances set up! There HAS to be at least one other reviewer.

I wanted to set forth really clear policy on what thresholds of dollar value required approval of a VP before any agent/ employee enters into a contract.

I was pushing to clarify that.
It is not clear.

I wanted to track data of the funding and expenditures on the contracts for which I have been managing the subcontract relationships.

I don't care how many folks are tracking the data in how many different manners it is all the SAME DATA
and no matter how you slice and dice it
the numbers will turn out the SAME

So I am a big believer in doing the due diligance of that. Taking the time to do it for anything I touch.And yes I suck at that part- at the actual accounting as I make small mistakes and those are a bitch
One number flip
throws it all off..
and takes a long time to fix
and I am SLOW at that work.

SO I presumed my boss telling me to rely on the accountants to do the accounting was becuase THEY ARE ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD AT IT
and she did not want to pay for my inefficiency.

HOWEVER, the problem I realized is that was for me-
that I WANT To do that check and balance and I intended to just do it and not be paid for every hour it took.

Accountanting Departments that are harder to work with as they don't want to share information easily to get that part of the job done for others are a problem in my book for the role I am in.

BUT I am part time- so at some point I just let it go. Its not a big deal.
There is only ONE project of concern where the PM seemed he would benefit from the info I wanted to capture and flow down with greater detail.

When I pushed for information; to reconcile my project accounting
I was told to just accept the numbers from the accounting dept. They did not see value in me spending time on my own slicing and dicing data. I SAW VALUE in capturing more information than was being tracked however. There were data gaps in what was sent me by accouting. Total Accuracy- but some items they were not TRACKED. Think if it this way- The bucket was accounted for but what was in the bucket was not being accounted for.

Its really simple
The accounting on a project might say FRUIT BASKET $ 1000

But when I am responsible for anything ( meaning when I touch it at all) I will trust the accountant and the project manager and the sales folks etc... everyone with a touch point along the way and look at how everything is tied out
But I have talked of this before


When I am working in a space when I see the line item FRUIT BASKET

I am going to want the data of the details of what fruit is in the basket
I want to know
How many bananas?
APPLES?- but then WHAT KIND Of apples ?
How much are we billing for each apple
Are they granny smith?
or red delicious?

And if when given financials on any project-
If I only see that aggregate number of cost of fruit basket

There is a data gap.

SO I started my own tracking.

Honestly I wanted this for the PM managing the front line project. I wanted he and I both to know the granular details of its funding and the expenditures as I did not see the PM doing the granual financial tracking I would expect in HIS ROLE. So I wanted to do my own check and balance as well-
I mean I feel like there is never such thing as REDUDANCY in getting your financials straight and ensuring clear understanding and TRANSPARENCY of your incoming, outgoing and budgets.
In every space I have been in I expect that.

I tend to be trusting of people and I suppose in the aggregate groups of people unless proved otherwise.
SO THANK GOD I am not seeing any integrity issues.
It could be CONTROL issues.
But regardless
I am noticing the pattern. That when I was asking for more transparency and accountability
to follow the money
There is discomfort.

AGAIN I am only part time. So since my boss said "Trust the accouting files"
I mean I have access! I can see them all. I was in the operations system and there is nothing hidden.
Its just the stuff they were NOT tracking I was capturing. I know that it makes others uncomfortable to sometimes have someone look at something they have overlooked.BUT It is no criticism of their work.

I need to learn how to somehow in my next space demand accoutability and quality and those checks and balances without somehow getting others uncomfortable

OR BE HAPPY if there is some reason they are uncomfortable that is really ABOUT THEM and not about me at all
and well be happy to walk away if they don't really want to make it kosher.

As worst case scenario
there is willfull billing for apples
when there are only bananas

In my world -
well let me just say

There is so much real and good work to do.

Why monkey around with a few line items here and there and lack integrity for peanuts?

So I hope that is NOT the case but write about the possibility

As it occurred to me I like to fully understand all the work I am doing.

I think so many people just GLEAN OVER that which they do not understand even in the role I am in.

And if for some reason there IS any monkeying around
well than I would see ( once again) Why they would not want me around.
NOT That I am saying that is the case.

But it gives me enough reason to know I have to be more assertive myself.
I have to INSIST that if I continue to support this company they give me full access and transparency to all the financials.
There is no reason NOT To. And if they don't that is a problem.

AND although I have not seen any reason to believe their discomfort of me is because they don't want scruitiny for some reason ( I do think it is all about efficieny- HECK I am paid by the hour, remember? I am SLOW at accounting!)

IF FOR ANY REASON There were integrity issue
Well then I would be happy to be walking away from a situation and not having my name signing as a fiduciary. ( Basically that fiduciary responsbility has never been handed over to me because of what my boss holds onto and did not transition to me. Which is why I did not PUSH BACK at her telling me not to do certain things I WANTED To do- started projects to do; but she said not to persue. She is the ultimate fiduciary and I have only been managing realtionships with OUR suppliers! I am not managing any contracts in which we are given awards- so I have no fiscal responsibilty in the management of funds awarded us.
That is on her.

That is key however- in the past for the role I am not hired in ( I hold the title now- in past I was a gap fill and did not hold the job title but did the work) I DID hold that fiduciary responsbility and was the signatory on those awards.

SO This part time job has been really great preparation for the next space where I both do the work and hold the job title! HA HA

Its like in past I did the work at TWO different companies worthy of the job title I am in now, without the job title or commensorate salary. It made me know I was ready for the next step so stepped up to find the actual role with the actual job title and fairer pay for what I do-
BUT I landed the job with the title and the company never turned over all the responsibilities!

Sure that means I have been coasting not working full time and not with the fullness of responsibility

But It served them well. They did not have to be the throat to choak in a few negotiations they had me handle. ( I get it - that was the point of hiring me. I did the projects they needed me for well.)
AND it served me well.

I am leveraging the experience.

But back to the guy I used to work with. I thought of him today. I recall two years ago saying my goal was to start my own company to find him his next job where he is treated with respect to do his good work and not have to commute hours to do it!!

I was serious.

I think of that as think also of two other people who literally said years ago if I start a company they want to work for me.

I loved the one CEO I worked for as every day we had a huddle and she would end it by saying
"GOOD WORK! Lets keep rocking it and create jobs".

Honestly I wish SHE would be my mentor. I reached out by email but did not hear back from her. MY BAD as I did not save her phone #. I ran into the one gal who works there who told me to call her that this CEO would be so happy and excited to support my starting my own company.
That lady I ran in is AMAZING. She is in charge of Quality Control and just ROCKS it. I mean that company was so impressive! They are SO organized and really dug into creating clear processes and its one I learned much in and want to emulate.

I have my clear vision.
In time.

Now is the building of this vision time. Brick by brick and step by step.
All this writing to process and think
as that one job the hiring manager called me about is still posted.

Even if she calls I don't really want it.

I was considering if I appy BUT the problem is THAT job WOULD be a CLEAR NO COMPETE
and NO GO
for my business.

I am only applying to other full time jobs that are not as senior and which would not be in competition for my own business.I don't want to jump into a role like that if it means I can't run my own company.

Truth be told I KNEW the bosses (I direct report to one but truly there are a few as it is a co-owned private company) where I was at were easing into letting go of some things they have held.. or rather were not letting go of holding some things....
so I KNEW it would be easier.

I wanted the lighter load so I could focus on family, my own healing and self care, AND slowly also build my business.

I just had not had time for self care EVER before I started working part time and carved it out. My teens just need my PRESENCE so they could heal. POTS the whole other matter from truama but they needed my presence to both support managing that but also to heal from truama. They need to know they have a safe home that is here for them but also that they have a parent here for them always. That is hard for kids to FEEL If a parent is self absorbed all the time. With my ADHD it DOES take such effort and focus that when in a full time job I AM self absorbed! Just the nature of the ADHD brain with its executive functioning challenges. EVEN If master the executive functioning skills there is still a slower processing time for some some things. It takes LONGER for the ADHD person to get the job done-
which is all time away from being fully present for family.

That has been most essential. The thing about trauma is it doesn't really matter when it happened. The body and brain retain the fact they have been CHANGED by it. And until you deal with it, one can't heal it. One can MASK it and hide it for a while! Healing however takes its own concerntrated work and effort I believe.

I believe in carving out time to do that. Self care is important.

So all will come to be as it should in its own time.

For today I am going to now rest more after being up late just simply binge watching Grey's Anatomy! HA HA

I am still in a early season.... I forget even which one as Netflix just turns on right to the next episode and did not pay attention.

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