2022-07-04 - 9:54 a.m.
I just read an entry from 3-14-2018
I recently enjoyed finding and listening to the fun CD my then high school senior created with her class mate after the trip I chaparoned to Nashville TN where they studied songwriting.
Here is the guy these students had the pleasure of studying with!
I just wanted to write of this one kid of mine who this Fall embarks on her teaching career.
In a few weeks I go with her to move her into her first apartment. She has been working at a science musuem and took a short term rental of a room found on AirBNB and its been a great summer experience for her. She wanted to stay in the area she will be working in rather than move back home at all after college. I TOTALLY GET THAT!! I am so proud of her! I have to call her as she was also applying for a 2nd job to increase her summer income- so applied as a pizza delievery person. She said she ordered pizza with friends and the "We're Hiring $18 an hr" on the box caught her eye!
I also need to ask the basement dweller how his interview went for a tutoring job. The one who is about to be a teacher had worked as a tutor all through college for an on line tutoring company. Sure it paid crappy for tutoring and one can get much more privately- but only if have a reputation to find personal clients so she wisely took what she could get and it worked great for her! Heck as a college student $12 or $15 per hour ( I forget what it was) is better than fast food wages or campus work wages so she did darn well.
Reading that old post from 2018 and am SO PROUD Of her! It was spot on. She managed to not be financially dependant on her father. She did not put up with his toxicity BUT she set healthy boundaries and managed to maintain a relationship with him. At some point after he was being controlling about not wanting to follow through on his promise to her he got angry and told her to just move out and not come back. She packed her stuff and left.
So she said "NO I am not going to see him. I am not going back there."
BUT after some time, this year, she decided to go visit him.
Meaning With respect.
SHE DID IT.
She freed herself of his abuse.
As the younger kid who he dropped from insurance also did. They too are happy to not be fiscally reliant on one whose love has strings attached.
There is a difference between narcissistic love and TOUGH LOVE Of parenting. My kids are not seeing the tough love of parenting but rather manipulation which is very different.
So CHARGING RENT for your ADULT children- that is tough love
HELL circumstances are different but some have said as teens once they started working their parents took a cut! That is tough love IF it was for teaching budgeting skills and training AND if the money then went to the kids well being! ( Some parents did that and saved every penny then were able turn over to the kid a down payment to the kids shock when they WANTED To break out on their own)
Tough love is NOT refusal to suppor your kid because they are not following your path exactly
Threatening to not pay for college if you kid goes on a senior trip with their other parent to learn to write songs in Nashville is NOT TOUGH LOVE.
It is being an asshole
DROPPING your kid from your health insurance becuase they are trans is not tough love. Its abandonment and self centered narcissism.
Kicking a kid out because they are trans is not love ( I fear one of my friends actually did that to their kid! Acquaintence so not that close and have not talked to her in a while but hearbreaking to see that her child was doing a go fund me for medical needs and said was homeless as family kicked him out. I mean WTF??? That homeless teen hustled and just finished his Masters now a few years later but really... WTF?? HE is this awesome young man now and is working in a full time job and rocking it . Was it really WORTH IT to his mother to be so true to her Catholicism that she now has no relatonship with this child of hers? I JUST DON'T GET IT)
With the youngest he apparently made it clear he would only offer support if the kid goes to college. He basically has said if you don't go to college I am not going to support you.
He is telling her it is not healthy to live with me- that he thinks NOT HEALTHY To live with your parents.
Sure is right if you have abusive parents !
What struck me is that my youngest is 17. I think I forgot her age myself! I forget she, like all my kids, was a YOUNG student with a very early fall birthday.
Some parents held their kids back to be more mature before entering PreK.
You know no one ever suggested that when my youngest was having meltdowns and separation anxiety and crying and screaming to be dropped off at school in kindergarden. When they said she might have done better had she been to Pre K and were shocked when I said " I did bring her to Pre K." ( But it was only a couple days a week every other week. She did well in that program!)
But never once when she had issues in kindergarden did it ever occur to either of us to just give her another year of pre k and wait to start school. I wish I thought of that now. It would have just made sense actually!
She does have a plan. She always has. She just did not want to share it with her parents and wants neither of us helping her out in executing it. She likely had not felt trusted and supported enough by EITHER Of us frankly.
I know my ADHD has affected my parenting. Some of my kids are gracious about that. My oldest are nothing but apprechiative ALL THREE Of the oldest of all the love and support and the fact I have always done my best.
I would fight for any of these kids to do the things that are important to each of them.
I feel like the younger three just don't seem to KNOW THAT as much.
Now actually I think the trans kid who I supported in the fight to stay in school knows that. I think they HAVE to know that... I mean.... they have nothing but support EVEN if it is a detriment to my career. I see each setback EVEN IF DUE TO TRANSPHOBIA as not a big issue in the end.
So as I think about the youngest I look at the oldest of these four kids with my 2nd narcissistic and yes emotionally abusive now ex husband
and know she likely has the pressure of him threatening to drop support
just like the others had the same emotionally abusive manipulation
BUT I think she moreso than the others knows he actually knows no other way to love
so she is more inclined to forgive his failings.
But I also think at some level she hasn't really figured out where she wanted to go to college and at some point she might have realized the first plan she was talking about persuing was not her own. It was her fathers' .
My speculation is that she did not follow through and wants another year as the path she was working toward was the one he laid out for her.
So I think for the youngest she was WISE to not finish that college application if she realized it is NOT HER VISION.
Now that I think of it , that was a VERY BRAVE thing for a kid to do if you have a parent threatening to drop your support unless you are going to college.
YES a very brave thing
She was standing up for herself in not being manupulated to apply to a college just to appease an overbearing controlling parent.
Parents forcing their kids to do things that the parents want for their kid for their life path-
IT is often the way that parent thinks is the BEST way for them to set up their kid for success,
It just really self serving often but also the parent is not always knowing how to do different.
YES my abusive, narcissistic ex husband LOVED that film.
Those parents who are overly controlling who don't allow their kids to grow into individual people without trying to mold them like a doll in their own image-
I mean it is not actually tough love and is narcissistic abusive parenting but I STILL BELIEVE that even a narcissist CAN actually love but just is so insecure at core and so self fragile that the overly concerned focus on self inhibits ability to love in a healthy way.
It just might be shitty and toxic and not good for others to be around
but they still do love
and want to
SO ONCE a person is healthy
And I think some can navigate that. And as for having a narcissist parent its kind of very sadly up to the kids who grow into adults and forgive enough and are strong enough to navigate that.
As I write now and think of all my kids; I know they are ALL doing well and are ALL going to be alright!
The youngest two BOTH navigated this gap year they BOTH NEED and navigated the space they each need away from their controlling father so they can have agency to grow into who they are each meant to be,
It is SO critical this next step is solely informed by eahc of THEM being the ones decising on what they see their calling in life ( at this point) to be.
Some are in familiy where they have actual responsbility to others and others who are dependant on them to carry on the family business for example. HEck some kids end up being caretakers for sick parents! (It happens!) Heck the popular movie In the Heights is remarkable example of the pressures of aspiring to go off and do something different than being rooted and stuck in the family busienss our of obligation.
Everyone need a sense of self.
I am happy the youngest's plan includes working at the Assisted Living place I am working at. She apparently just wanted to rest a few weeks but was happy I completed the referral for her. She didn't yet fill out the application but I am sure reardless they will call her soon. She is still sleeping! (House is quiet) but I today I will check with her she has the appropriate attire to start working there. I told her she can't wear shorts! She honeslty needs some guidance on this! She seemed to not know how you dress for a job. She went to the library to volunteer VERY casual which I think was not awful for that role... but not the best choice. I let her be and made no comments but did tell her that she can't dress in such a casual manner for a job.
I have both a JC Penny Credit card and a Kohls card so time to take her shopping so she has an appropiate wardrobe for a job. It dawned on me just as dropping of her and her sibling who wanted to join her to set up an activity at the library that she really has no idea how to dress for a job! I have observed this issue in recent years before. I guess schools don't really teach kids about what is professional dress for work like they used to! Certain things are just a good practical thing to learn. BASICS like wear a clean shirt without any patterns or logos, not sloppy and wrinkled, and clean pants also not sloppy and wrikled! USE AN IORN ! It take about 10 to 15 minutes and so worth it.
it was a temp job.
So I need to help my kids who are recently graduated be dressed for success as they do look for jobs!
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