2022-07-05 - 2:08 p.m.

God I am tired today.
It was really lovely to see the fireworks last night with my dear friend.
I also enjoyed meeting another friend of mine on Saturday afternoon for a nice walk and then we went to catch a bite at a place she wanted to go (as she has a friend who is a server there).
I however am exhausted today. Feeling emotionally drained.

Even though tired still trying to work on progress for my company.
I did reach out to the very talented web designer who designed my company logo to ask for one tweak to my business cards. I am anxious to order cards but want them to be most effective .
I think I may make two versions
One sleek modern one that only shows my logo and QR code and web site link

Which is for the young folks HA HA
(My son liked the card as she designed it! She too is in her 20s)
BUT
MY GUT Tells me I ALSO need a card that right on the card itself says the work I provide! Because I know if I get a 2 min elevator pitch and pick up a card and don't follow up right away but find it months later that I might have no clue where I got it and if it is not obvious what the person does I may not recall.

TRUE
I am SURE I am not the only one who has found cards and not recalled where they got them or who the person was!
I think the business card has to say what I DO!

I need to get that fixed so I can then run off cards and work on a promotional package and pound the pavement.

I know what I need to do for business development. I need to NOT WORK FROM HOME
I need to hit cofee shops, dressed sharp.
I need to color my grey roots and rock a nice outfit and look smart, professional, attractive
and then smile and introduce myself and tell folks what I do.

The first person that feined interest...well it was feigned.

I met one business owner of a production studio and thought he was legit interested..
until I got a text one Sat night at 10pm
and I was so damn disappointed.
He was not at all professional interested in my services... unless he had a VERY WRONG idea of the kind of profession I am in. I had met the dude at a party. I wasn't put off by that-
I mean so what if I had been dancing and then met him hanging with my friends at a party. Once can meet contacts all sorts of ways that prove to be a good fit for needs, for professional working relationships.
The CEO met the owner of the recruitment firm he uses when he was coaching his kids soccer team and the other dude was one of the dads. That kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME
when folks are fully present, paying attention, and social and let people know the work they do.
I need to get out there. That is literally how the one web designer in my town landed SO MANY local clients. ( I did not hire him however as he was the same one I swear purchased the domain of the arts org after we had him set it up and then was a schiester trying to sell it back to us for $500 brokering it via Go Daddy. The Board did not understand.... a web site domain doesn't just increase in value overnight. The OWNER has the right to sell it. They were not getting it that the dude purchased it for us in his name and then later was trying to make a killing on in)

I knew darn well what happened. Shady shit.
I am just really tired today.
Fireworks ended late; and I did have two glasses of wine over the course of the evening ( and don't underestimate how crappy even a little wine can make a mostly non drinker feel. I swear it is dehydrating and exhausts me the next day. I just don't like that I don't feel hot even after a little alcohol so that is a reason I rarely drink. I felt fine last night and wasn't excessively tired even when driving home- BUT I am just EXHAUSTED today.)
I also know the exhaustion is that I am not over...well... the feeling down as I adjust and feel just wounded.
I was grateful to the invites from the two girlfriends of mine over the past couple days.
It was healthy to get out and see friends and talk to them and get fresh air and exercise.
Its raining today
the thing is I am still down. The respite when went out helped; but when home I am feeling it.
Just sad
and at least this time I can cry just a bit , sorta.

Tears don't flow freely for me. More like a tiny leak at the side of my eyes once in a while... like so subtle.

and it sucks

OK crying a litte. I think that is progress.

Funny thing is the one thing that actually made me cry of late-
after all this
was the unexpected small click of "like" from my hiring boss from the first contract manager job I held. I so enjoyed working for her. She was a great mentor and kind and smart and we got along well. She apprechiated my work and was affirming. All was well in that job until that amazing attorney got promoted and I was left behind in my group wihthout her direct reporting to the new director. The Director who had hired me ALSO had a job change of retirement at the same time. It so sucked for me that these two folks I had a great working realtionship with for the first couple years in that job were gone...
and that was the beginning of the end.

The director who retired later passed away and I was so sad for his family's loss. I mean I loved working with him. Of course I would get along well with him as he was a NY City born and bred Jewish lawyer. I mean he had the NYC sensibilty, along with the sense of humor that I swear is distinct to that region. Dry, witty, shrewd. I would make jokes that fell dead pan in my dry manner and no one else knew I was joking but he ALWAYS GOT IT. He always gave a hearty guffaw....

I mean I grew up with four brothers razzing on me all the time. I say stuff at work and it falls flat but for the one co-worker now who DOES get it that I am trying to be funny when I joke about myself in a self deprchiatating way. There is no humor more NYC Jewish than self deprechiateing humor about anxiety.... I mean think of Woody Allen, and Rodney Dangerfield ( who hailed from LI)... crossed with Stephen Wright. I have a subtle dry delivery when I crack a joke.
I have learned not to joke at work. I try not to do it- except if joking about myself because any other jokes fall flat.
The thing is I GET IT that when there is a good cultural fit at work people understand each other and get along better and it is easier to work well together. You can get to the point where you know the other person's style and preferences and what they want done...
So I got along great with the guy hailing from NY. And I have said before growing up on LI where I did that culturally my comfort foods are Jewish foods.
A good NY BAGEL
a Knish

Heck if I had the money and needed to kick depression I think I would drive into DC to go visit this spot.
not today... I at least have some bagels in the freezer. Not a big fat overstuffed with cream cheese 2 inches thick NY Salt bagel...
but heck. I think perhaps after I eat what I have I might feel better.
Coffee too..
Is it REALLY 2:40? I really did get up and did some actual work for my employer for a couple hours. I just felt compelled to at least finish one thing I started that I think had added value for others and save the file in a shared drive. My boss didn't care for it- and doesn't see it; but I do and if this is really a personality thing then if they get a replacement it will be helpful to that person. So I DID want to finish one last thing I had started. (Got it done).

OK time to eat today and then have at it again working on reading postings and writing letters to introduce my business. I am going to focus on that instead of just applying to full time jobs. I really don't WANT a full time job so am going to keep at it and seek out those who need the services I do provide well. I KNOW They are out there. I just have to find them.

I hope my web designer is available and can tweak the card pronto!
I could also ask my Buffalo guy friend to do that. But I don't want to bother him unless I have to. He of couse would help me. He is a graphic artist and runs a promotion company after all. Web site design is not his specialty- which is why I hired someone else. He works on logos all the time however and promotional products which is his specialty.
I did have a nice chat with him , I think Friday? WE talked for a couple hours catching up like we do every few weeks or so.
He is sorry for me, as are all my friends that the relationship did not work out.

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