Get your own diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2022-07-06 - 9:07 a.m.

I enjoyed a lovely morning run. I remember one of the things I so loved about working from home when first shifted to that was the ability to take a morning run without getting up ridiculously early.

Back in the day when commuting I would have to get up around 5 or 6 AM latest in order to get the morning run in. Today Bellatrix woke me when she was ready to get up.
She was super funny about it this AM kinda just gave a whine as if "Wake up already".

Then as I opened my eyes she started playing joyfully. Just kinda scooted around bumping me with her nose, in the advance and retreat playful rhytmic motion.

I feel so much better when I get a good run in. I am pleased there is no pain in my muscles that had been healing. The left side of my leg had some pain which I think was from overcompensating avoiding stressing the right leg and shifting weight somewhow.

The other nice thing I can enjoy when home is using the neighborhood pool. It's great to have a really nice indoor pool I can go swimming at which only cost $3 each time. But once summer hits there is a pool right in this HOA ( in fact a reason I wanted to live here!)

So I am going to commit to exercising regularly again. Run one day; swim the next and when I have a bit of money again will head over to Zumba on Sat mornings. I might just go anyway and pay the instructor later when I can afford to! He is the kind of very kind person who would be fine with that. He always says "Pay what you can and don't worry about it- cause I do this to keep myself healthy. We are a group of friends helping each other!" But make no mistake he puts WORK into teaching that class and absolutely should be paid for his efforts. I don't care if he developed the dance routines YEARS ago and some are the same ones they have used for years; He still is deserving of being paid for his work!

Maybe I won't be too tired to get up early enough to head there this Sat.

The phone rang again this AM. It was Art, and I did not answer it.

It was a funny thing a I sat watching the fireworks with my girlfriend I was feeling the sadness that so many folks this year are just heartbroken with the overturning of Roe and the homophobia and threats of further rollbacks of civil rights.
I mean make no mistake there are folks talking about trying to actually outlaw interracial marriage again!

Its so crazy.

And that saddens me so much. Here I thought the last area we needed to really attain actual progress was for disabled people.

There were rollbacks in removing disabled from potections that took years to be gained and no one noticed. That was just the beginning apparetnly, and now the continued efforts some have made FOR YEARS to change the progress made are getting results.

It is so heartbreaking and terrifying.
And honestly it made me miss the young lover of mine. Beacuse he is one I could talk to about these things comfortably as he shares an understanding with me.

I mean it seems so stupid to have trouble being in relationship with others who are different from yourself.
I Think it dumb
I mean I think we should be able to navigate differences of opinion and still love one another.
But for me, when feeling so wounded after my own personal experiences of the past month or so, and then the tragic mass shootings, the one in Buffalo that hit so hard, and now Civil Rights rollbacks with Roe overturned and the push to go even further.

Well it is so much that I just feel so beat up; so wounded at times and so very sad.

I am literally in a grief process.
And there is so much to grieve for.
And it is really hard if someone else doesn't even GET your grief. Doesn't have an iota of understanding or empathy and if try to talk to the person about the things that are upsetting they add insults instead of understanding.

That really was upsetting when trying to talk about the sadness when my family is not accepted. That was upsetting to have no understanding of how we had to fight for my kid to graduate and then to hear Art go off about how his grandkid was born a boy and his name is _____ so he is going to continue to call him ____.

He sounded so darn angry and he took it personally. We had a conversation about this actually at my kitchen table with my trans kid and him about why it makes no sense for a parent to be upset by their child's choices as the child's choices ARE NOT ABOUT THEM.
The choices are not a reaction to the parent; not defiant; not intended to reject the parent; not a FUCK YOU to the parent- no matter how much the parent may feel that.

Parents needs to really recognize that no matter what age of our children, they are still these unique beings who exist separate and distinct from us and yes they came from us but we are not God's who can mold them into our image and likeness.

It is narcissistic and the uptmost pride to think we are playing God in the creation of our children and that we have some ownership of them such that they have obligations to us as parents to be who we want them to be.

So I was feeling all that sadness when trying to navigate a relationship with Art. There are other things too that just make him incompatible with me. The smoking- YES I did not KNOW he smoked as in the past he never did it around me. He never smoked cigarrettes. I guess I did not know that he tokes regularly. No judgement; but honestly it is NOT MY THING and I don't want to be around it
Rather I CAN NOT be around it and be healthy

I can't BREATHE well

and I suppose it also triggered me his complete lack of respect and listening and not understanding that.
I mean to offer it to me? WTF? After I made it really clear a number of times.
and to sit at the table I am at right after dinner and then for it to be actually seen as rude if I get up and walk away-

I mean if one is not going to be even dabbling with that in their 50s and says not interested
I just think rude to ignore that. But he ignored everything about me so it seemed.

I just was feeling so tired and sad as I sat there watching the fireworks as I think it super sad so many are not celebrating our country just now. I think it sad we have such schism and such reasons to be grieving as a county the strength of our democracy and have fear of its being weakened. I mean there were some who literally tried to overthrow our Capital in an insurrection on Jan 6th. Are there STILL Some in denial of such?

I do understand that some who went to DC that day were clueless. I think I have to believe that as one of the ladies I know here living in my town who volunteered with the arts org was so excited to go , and I think she was like my mother who also had been so proud of herself to go to the Right to Life Marches all those years. Those Right to Life Marches were lobbying activism actions asking for the overturn of Roe V Wade.

I GREW UP going to Washington for the Right to Life March each Jan 22.

It was almost a family tradition of the only other regular trip taken , than the summer camping trip with family!

I GET it that some really were so convinced YEARS Ago that they were moralistically justified in trying to preserve the lives of the unborn fetus/baby. They see the fetus as human life and firmly believe we are murdering babies in an awful sin. The Pope articulated the Catholic view with clarity this week-
As he said
You don't kill the baby to resolve the problems. Its like taking an AR15 and blasting that child rather than addressing all the other reasons that this woman is not prepared to step into motherhood- the poverty; the lack of ability for a woman to be as finanacilly sound once she becomes a mother etc..... The lack of contraception... not being used by teens so they become pregnant; the lack of treating drug users with comapassionalte care - helping them be able to get medical care, and clean needles and work in ways other than prostitution to feed an addicition. I mean a user is a user and might always be until they die of it, unless they are able to hold jobs and have save means of their usagae. The RICH users do that and we have heard of so many who then were famous people. Bellalagosi who was a heroin addict til death; of course it is tragic Michael Jackson died of fentanaly as he was in serious pain from serious chrnoic illness and that was medically prescribed
My point is that drug problems hit all walks of life yet it is the poor who DIE from them because of our lack of comapassionate care. Our fear of being an enabler. ( WTF does a clean needle program cost to prevent health outbreaks of hepatitis?) I mean we discard the addicts because they are seen as morally not fit for care. We juge them morally . That is the truth-
and the actual facts are that abortions ARE higher in inner citys among poor, and yes black women, and yes addicts. WHY? Well there was a crack epidemic in the 80s with supply of crack being widley available in black neighborhoods in inner cities.
Hell the freaking DC Mayor was a user. It was ubiquitious so I have been told. I mean my friend who grew up as a Black gal in New Haven has said to me the drugs are there the moment you walk out your front door. There is so much that could be done differently to prevent desparation.

But the #1 Cause of abortion in my mind is actually therfore POVERTY
as there are more poor mothers getting abortions so they can feed the rest of their kids ; and they don't feel they have it in them to bring another child into a family strugging.
And how do those women become addicts? UNLIKE me with a college degree, when they leave an abusive relationship with children they have to care for their job prospects are slim. So some become dancers- they can work a club just a couple nights a week and make enough tips and cash to support their kids in some shitty apt.
They are entering those worlds, those spaces, where drugs are run. Those spaces where hell WOMEN Are Run! They dont intend to enter prostitution. Some may willfully choose it when faced with no better option to make money and feed their existing kid(s) BUT others actually are coerce; emotionally abused and manipulated and groomed and fall into the Life.

So I get both the Pope's view, and my Mothers' -- but think the pope had a broader and deeper understanding than my naive mother! He seems at least aware and compassionate that we should be extending care to all.

At the heart of why we don't address all the issues the Pope is saying should be addressed rather than killing the unexpected, unwanted child I THINK
is honestly the simple RACISM in our systems and policies. The fear of interacting with those "less than" our white selves who are teh policy makers. We are seeing changes so I am hopeful that we are going to move forward and not regress. There is such fear of loss of our own middlle and upper class stabilty.

In any case, I do have empathy for that lady who went to D.C. and was proud she was standing up for what she believed as she got there and I think was shattered by the reality of what was going on. She immediately DID GET IT that this was not what was her intention. She immediately took down all reference to going to D.C. and I have to beleive it was beacuse she SUDDENLY Understood. She actually stopped coming to our board meetings and was uncomfortable with some of the judgement she was feeling from others so laid low. She was kind to still help out from home. I LIKED Her bright smile, and her energy and her joy and have to believe she was naive. I think she just was not aware of the deep agenda . If I am WRONG and she herself was racist and motivated by the hate speech- etc...
well that would be sad.
I guess my point is I can not belive that ll those who were supporting the Republican party in the recent years, and who voted for Trump were evil people any moreso that saying every German who was not opposing Nazi power were evil. SOME were simply manipulated and not given clarity of truth and belived a bunch of hooey. They fell for the ruse.
Those who are not racist and who value our democracy and even if very conservative in their religious views, have paid attention to what is going on ARE I HOPE finally waking up to see reality and are equally concened about the threats to our democracy.

We need the Right to life folks who have been mypopically looking at only the single issue from their perspective that the only moral choice is not supproting abortion to look at the bigger picture. EVEN IF THey steadfastly stand in support of abortion not being legal WE NEED THEM To look at all the OTHER ISSUES and recognize that THOSE HARD WON FREEDOMS ARE AT RISK.

WE need to have unity in fighting against facism and against erosion of civil rights.

OK back to work. I did spend time on my business needs this AM. I am at a standstill waiting on the help ticket as for some weird reason my business is being identified in one system I am registering in as in that other hick town that shares my town zip code. I had hoped it would be resolved by now! Its over a week since I put in the help desk ticket to fix the problem. I will NOT register my business with an incorrect address anywhere! THAT would cause further problems so I am trying to be patient.

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at!

UGH I HATE those HR systems where you not only upload a resume but have to TYPE IN ALL THE SAME INFO!! - 2022-07-09


Not done writing... just one more thing!! ( or two more...ACTION ITEM- Reach out to THIS former coworker) - 2022-07-09


This morning the something I did was just write. Guitar practice next. I GET IT REST and RECHARGE are sometimes what one needs BUT come on now- NOT EVERY DAY without Change! That is ATROPHY - 2022-07-09


Just had job idea for my gap fill. Will see - 2022-07-07


I caved and listened to Art's messages. BUT I did not call him. - 2022-07-06