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2022-07-06 - 8:43 p.m.

I never listen to voice mail on my cell phone. I typiclly just see a missed call and call back.

So I had ignored Art's calls and let them go to voicmail since our break up.

I listened to them today. I listened to them after my DC friend called and asked me if I had plans for Saturday night. I don't! He really wanted to go hear some live music but I told him I have zero budget so the idea of going to the Birchmere was out. ( It was too pricy for even him. And being friends and not romantically involved he is not going to spring for a tix for me! I would not expect him to.)

So I found a FREE concert at a park and we are going to meet at the park which will be nice.

Since I have plans with him, knowing I am going to see a friend, it just gave me a bit more resolve knowing I will be strong - so then I listened to the voicemail messages.

One was an upset one saying I really am cruel.

I don't know how Art doesn't understand that if you really were in love in order to get over someone you don't want to talk to them. NO CONTACT is the only way sometimes.

I did get it when the guy who proposed to me was heartbroken.
When I was heartbroken over the Air Traffic Controller I didn't want anything to do with him. Hell even a year later he reached out by email and I ignored it. I was too hurt by him to want to engage at all. A year later I was still ANGRY and thought he had a hell of a lot of nerve to try to reach me again.

Hell no. After someone cheats and treats me with such disregard as he did why would I want that person in my life again? The trust was seriously broken. I mean it is different if MARRIED and have a whole life together with commitment. Then it makes more sense to really work through those tough moments. But we were just dating... and yeah there was talk of marriage but in hindsight that was early on - likely too early- and he had clearly lost interest long before he cheated.

Funny he lost interest when I went out with Art! When I met my then FRIEND, who was only my friend. The Air Traffic controller too had some serious issues with trusting.He gave an ultimatium that I not continue the friendship with Art. At the time Art had been my best friend for the prior 8mos and after I ended that relationship with the Air Traffic Controller I swore I would never date a man who demanded I cut off friendships and could not be trusting.

So no

Never again.

Anyway.. the last message, after the one calling me cruel ( there were a couple.. "please call"...) but one said he wanted to apologize, and the last he said he realized he moved too fast but he was a "starving man" and I said I love him and he was passionate...
and too intense... he said somethign about being Venus and Gemini? I D K he is into all that astology and numerology stuff ...always has been.

But of course I miss him terribly. I miss the GOOD parts. It is good to be loved. It is nice to actaully love someone so much and to have that kind of intense passion.

But where I am different from him is I don't think there is only one person for each of us. I don't think there is such thing as destiny- that we are MEANT to be with a particular person.
I mean I have no fear of being alone. I like being alone but I also figure there are so many people in this world that I can perhaps find a love like that with someone who is NOT ALSO emotionally abusive and controlling!
I am certainly not in any rush; nor do I necessarily WANT a relationship that is serious.

I am open to the possibility; but I am not craving it.

I crave my alone time more in hope of being a productive creator. I want to BE the kind of artist I fall in love with! (as a writer or songwriter/musician!)

That is what I realized in thiking - it is Art the artist that I love most. Of coursehe has different facets of himself. We all do!

I think tonight I will go to bed early. Tomorrow I plan to swim to get my exercise.
I will wake early to take Bellatrix for a nice walk when it is still cool.

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