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2022-07-09 - 9:43 a.m.

I really do enjoy Debra Silverman Astrology Answers horoscopes as she is so calming and encouraging.

Today she said something along the lines of- Allow yourself permission to feel
Allow yourself to embrace sadness and work through it without depression
Allow yourself to be in touch which the horrors and have empathy and sesitivity without anxiety

She spoke of how we as humans have to allow our emotion to be present, acknowledged and then learn to sit with our feelings and process

It is what I have been doing.
Trying to do.
What I need.

I am grateful for friends who understand their good will and presence are so valuable and helpful.

When my work friend , the gal I worked with who became even closer to after we both left that employer was adjusting to retirement she at first was struggling feeling a bit depressed. Then she was so grateful when I went to walk and spend time with her. .
On the 4th I was grateful for her invite to me to come spent time with her and this time it was her supporting and listening to me as I process my grief.

Its such a process

I had the thought today I should just dig into guitar. Practice, re-string it ( but I want to play first). It is very soothing now that I can play some songs.
My teacher wanted me to learn Landslide, next. I enjoy finger picking rhythms of the chords.
I still have to master Jewel's Hands.

I do like that she plays rhythmically in some of her technique with a strong bass line.

She of course relies on her guitar player to do much- but she herself has a nice techinique I would not have noticed had my guitar teacher not pointed it out and taught me. This Strum of the first part of the chord with the fleshy part of hand on all the strings then relase which if done right has a nice effect. I am writing this as have not yet mastered it so thinking about it.... before doing it.

I do that to a degree.

I worry about my kids who do it to an extreme I think,the overthinking things before the doing. The thinking about them TOO MUCH to the point of fear then setting in and thinking of all the negative possibilites such that then they are immobilized!
I was glad that one of mine finally agreed after cajoling to go see the local Dr. office. The local doctor is in fact so good that she is open to learning and growing herself as a doctor in order to provide good healthcare to a trans person.
My kid assumed this doctor would know nothing about it and not be interested.

But as an excellent doctor the local doctor is going to call the specialist; call the amazing doctor in D.C. and call the endicinologists and TALK To the POTS specialist and the Allergist working on MCAS issues- FIND OUT about how to best provide integrated healthcare for one with multiple medical issues who also happens to be a trans person who also happens to have testosterone therapy.

It may be new to her but she was outstaning in her actual CARE for the unique patient of my kid.

My kid was so happy.
BUT THEN I tried in the moment to say
"See, you should not make assumptions. I see a trend that you have fixed thinking and make conclusions before TRYING Something. I encourage you to think of this- how the assumptions were just all wrong and this doctor is providing you good care."

The best part of this appointment is that there was a sleep specialist who did all sorts of sleep studies a couple years ago and then perscribed a medication which was SUPER HELPFUL

and then said "have your primary care provider fill the prescripion" And between all the SPECIALISTS ( Four? Allergist, Heart/POTS, DC therapist/Dr treating gender dysphoria/ Psychiatrist/ Dermatologist to support allergist- no SIX)
somehow getting back to the sleep specialist did not happen; and in all the doctors being seen what was missing was ONE PRIMARY to integrate the care.

I kept saying to this almost adulting ( well trying but needing my help) To call the sleep dr. They never follow through
I have to
and I honestly FORGOT That piece- I think I didn't know for a while to be honest that the prescription was not refilled! (I do not manage the prescriptions as this is a young adult who WANTS To be adulting and takign care of self care. I think they are doing a decent job overall-- but it is also the ADHD that kicked in....)

The psyciatrist seeing is currently the private pay one. He really is the best around (I mean he wins Top Doc awards consistently for a reason-

Reminder to get the kid back to that Dr. Cause I just realized the fixed thinking and talking self out of every possibility-

things like

"I can't get a job until I ahve a car"


THat makes no sense whatsover.
And "I can't rely on you so I am not getting a job dependant on you driving me" WHAT??? That ALSO is unfair and untrue

The kid used the Civil Air Patrol Experience as an example.

I said YES BUT THAT was a case where I was WORKING to pay the bills and did my best to get you there.

I have said LOOK FOR A JOB ON THE BUS LINE! Walk the few blocks with a resume and walk into every business and ask if they need help and are hiring! THAT is how people get jobs. If you don't have a car you walk and look in your neighborhood first! OR you ride the bus line and see what is a close walk from the stops. Familiarize yourself with the area accessible by bus and go out and SEEK A JOB.

Jobs don't fall into someone's lap.

The fixed thinking "I Can't..." then some excuse is what is disabling my kid moreso than anything else.

SO I duked it out yesterday.

My kid loves to say I don't respect boundaries if I don't stop talking to them when they don't want to listen. I called BS on that and said
"NO you have to hear me out."
and basically debunked all the reasons " I Can't"

Then I sat in the living room with the other two -
and on my phone found job postings and said

"OK The VET we take Bellatrix is hiring. Who wants to apply to be a customer service rep there? It is close to the bus stop on other end of town if too tired to walk the whole way or bike there or I am not around to drive you."

I also said if I am working a remote job from home I will LOAN MY CAR To anyone to get to work.
I told my autistic 20 yr old who doesn't like interacting with people "Get a Damn NIGHT JOB since you are nocturnal. You can take the car to freaking Target and land a job working nights."
My kid said "Security Guard would be managable"
True- with POTS possibility of that night job or any retail would be VERY physical. I did say one gets used to it. (It was like lifting weights pulling those boxes off the conveyor belt after the dudes threw them there from the truck and then running to put on a pallet where the pallets sat organized the same way as each section and shelf. It was a cool experience actually. I ENJOYED The physicality as well as the teamwork of the process when I picked up that job so I would have money back when my husband WAS oh so controlling of EVERYTHING and I needed the damn gas money to be able to even go see my older kids living elsewhere!!)

Learned Helpnessness is such a hard thing for me to understand

that it is a trauma response

I get it we have fight or flight instinct and mine most often clearly is FIGHT

I mean I have fight in me to do what it takes so I am not every in that vulnerable position again. (Leaving took FIGHT!! It was more fight than flight to leave an abuser, ONE HAS TO BE STRONG ENOUGH)

My kids seem to have the retreat , the flight intinct where they pull into themselves and are just immobilized.

OH That reminds me- I was calling out jobs in town- the local Farm Retail store hiring a cashier etc...
asking who was interested and then it was funny
as the college student ( in the basement without a summer job); and the one gal who graduated high school were then competetive with EACH OTHER as to who I should send the info to.

Great, now that they want to compete with each other maybe both are going to apply for jobs??


The dysfunction runs deep sometimes.

That is fucked up to not even intend to create competition but it was bizarre and made me wonder if that is something that was used to motivate them in the past?? *Not by me but there ARE parents who do that
and apparently it WORKS
but not sure how healthy it is.

But my method of giving time to heal and assuming they would figure it out was not yielding results other than them playing video games ALL DAY ( or NIGHT in some cases depending on when awake) AND DOING NOTHING ELSE
so I realized time for me to take a more hands on approach.

I said "I will help anyone who needs help getting a resume.But you EACH need to write a resume."

If they don't at this point I honestly am going to go write one for each of them at the library and bring it to each ot them and email the soft copy.
Hell that may be enabling.

I discovered this- my kids will NEVER ASK FOR HELP

AND they do not trust THEIR PARENTS to help them. They do not trust us their parents to meet their needs. They trust BOTH of us less than any other person perhaps because of the trauma they underwent. YES me included in that lack of being a trusted figure to meet their needs.
Because for a long time I was working all the time and they were the latchkey kids ( in a world that judged that so they were also socially pretty isolated) EVEN thought for a time in middle school I intentionally rented the basement and took the job at the deli across the street along witht the other pretty local job at the retirement community and did that for some time to be closer to home; I was CLOSER to home for any emergency and could stop in on breaks *( which I sometimes did ); and took off to take the bike ride to get my kid from school; arranging my schedule to do that- we biked together home from the school (Oh the youngest was in elementary school then!)
EVEn though I did those things to be HERE. They still feel the sting of all the times they were LATE or they were not able to get to school funcitons and fully particpate
( I mean when they were with Dad he never prioritized anythign they wanted or that would be for them)
I mean it is so clear that their needs were never to be voiced in his home and that I just was not able to meet them.

So yeah they both (the youngest two) have zero faith in relying on us.

Regardless of a home overhead.
Food has been inconsistent so even when it is abundant there is this fear of not having enough.
Food insecuity does something to a persons sense of well being and does create anxiety.

So I am trying to push these kids. I gave space now its time to as a parent of these young adults not give them freedom but rather take some control to help them!

Cause I think they just NEED IT. I can't afford to send them all to counseling so they can figure it out. So if writing a resume is enabling

The one was such a PIA saying she doesn't have money to take the bus. I said "I WILL GIVE YOU BUS FARE To get started!!"
That is BS
I said "I can pay the one damn bill for the supplemental home insuance if it means you have bus fare and get a job for hundreds of dollars a week.

TO which she said "I wouldnt be giving you that money"

OMG I said No of course what you earn is YOURS but it is not out of line for me to ask you to help pay for the loan for the attorney which I am still paying off so you could finish high school.

My kid said "EVERY kid should finish high school. It was your parental obligation to do that"

Unbelieveable the sense of entitlement and lack of apprechiation and how that kid frames me in this negative light all the time.

The actual verbal abuse of my kids is astounding at time. TRUE they don't need to like the food I make
and TRUE I could do a better job of listening. But it is not narcisstic self centered parenting like they act like it is when I wake up on a Sunday morning and whip up a batch of pancakes and put bananas and berries in them and then they all rail on me that I should have made plain cause they don't like them
(That was last weekend)

Its just awful to have ungrateful teens and young adults who just complain and act so self centered.
I said "Make your own plain pancakes"


TRUE I made A TON of those pancakes. But that was a typical ADHD moment of forgetting I put an ingredient it... not realizing it til stirring that I had put more flour in than intended ( some error- read the bag wrong, or wasn't paying attention as mind wandering thinking of something when stirring realized DAMN This is twice as much flour as intended so of course then doubled the recipie. I wrote of that happening 20 damn years ago or would be worried about Alzheimers- but no its is simple freaking ADHD inattentiveness).

My whole life I have baked extra large batches to account for a mess up in the recipie and then fixing it.

OK enough ranting.
I am going to take out a couple of what I think are delicious banana, berry, chocolate pancakes and make a cup of coffee and then go nag the one teen to see if she is going to get up and go to the bank and DMV.

The 17 yr old needs her learners permit already.
I suppose I also should stop at the phamacy as DARN

The good news for the 19 yr old is the prescription was finally re-filled. The bad news is it was sent to the wrong pharmacy. The 19 yr old forgot to tell them to update the pharmacy and in fact said they just plain forgot and said to send it to the one we used to use. The 19 yr old REFUSES to walk to the one that does take the prescription due to again
learned helplessness
"I can't walk"


I think if these kids get out of the house doing ANYTHING they will be healtier. Clearly the PTSD and depression in them all is real and acute.

Oh in good news I again applied for , I think six or seven kicking full time jobs.

I am focusing ONLY on those which would be a step up.

A recruiter contacted me. I find sometimes those are the best opportunities! DON"T EVER be afraid to talk to a head hunter who seeingly randomly finds you.

Just do the research to find out WHO THEY ARE and verify it-
not hard to do real time most often. FAke profiles are kinda easy to spot. DON'T EVER give out your social securiy number or personal information and if you start a remote job without actually PHYSICALLY Going to see the office and meet in person


just have them mail a live check!

That will protect against identity theft.
So yeah I REFUSED to give all my details- they did ask for social security number which was a red flag


I did agree to let this headhunter represent me for a job which indeed looks legit for a Fintech

They like my experience in financial services coupled with my experience at technology service providers.

Seems actually like a freaking perfect fit.

The pay on this one is $110 per hour!! Considering lawyers are at least $150 per hour that rate DOES make senseto provide contract management for operational needs which I AM legally able to do as a certified contracts professional. Companies have a choice of hiring a lawyer and paying lawyer rates; or hiring someone like me direct in house who either a) has a supervising lawyer in house ( preferred) OR b) have me stay in the lane of advisement on business operations matters and then hire outside counsel for any legal issues that arise which are external (other than negotiations which a contract manager may do as normal business operations).

Full time, three months temp with possibility of permanent.

At this point I would take that to get ahead and not be financially insecure.

I think I was putting down too low per hour for some roles I put in resumes for. Whatever... as long as I land a job.

In my last role I asked for $80 and they intially offered $60 per hour and I asked for me then they offered $65 and I accepted it.

So that has been my rate of pay. I know it is low for the role, but then again the company only gave me half the responsibilities normally in such role( I held twice as many or more in the prior job and two prior contracts roles.

I knew I was in a real sense being used for the tough stuff -

yes temporary.
I got them out of the weeds and all is clear now


They don't have to worry

so they don't need me anymore.

I know I am actually worth more in the market and will learn from this job. Truth be told I wanted this easier role for as long as I could.
I don't want the stress of a job with great responsibily unless necessary

But now it is necessary.

Because the thing about PTSD is you can stuff it. You can ignore and not deal with all the issues and do one of two things which are in the end NOT HEALTHY And both avoidant

YOu can be a workaholic
or alcoholic
any addictive NON STOP MOTION that avoids feeling , avoids being emotional

OR can succumb to learned helplessness, retreat and avoidance of being present and intercting with others to avoid pain and challenges of connection

For me I can be the workaholic and shut off emotion. But I realized that was so NOT healthy! SURE one will be so called "successful" in the sense of being able to perform and make money-
but it is, or can be, at the expense of really being in touch with oneself. At the expense of not allowing time for full acknowledgement and honoring of emotion to HEAL The wounding.

Healing happens in relationship often as well. So we need to sit first with self; have a relationship with SELF and know yourself then allow others in for healing to happen. This is a process.

I think SOME time for self to just BE and to just HEAL is at first necessary! But there comes a point where retreating into self stunts that process of growth as is escapism.

For me I can see how it is EASIER to be working all the time.
Oh yeah when in negotiation mode I am NOT emotional, When all business I am ALL business.
I do call out things like gaslighting and keep it real and address other peoples fears in negotiaton
cause you HAVE to do that to be able to have a decent working relationship
So yeah I am direct and cut through alot of BS
to discover where there is trust or lack of trust and then ADDRESS those issues.
But short of those very human moments; I can get lost in the minuta of the process. I can escape THROUGH busy work!

It is easier to address other people's emotions for some in a company, in a work relationship than interpersonally. It is easire to see that other's emotions are not PERSONAL !
So at some level narcisstic traits are when a person thinks everything is about them. I wonder if this is why some narcissists don't seem to have ANY Friends other than work friends! It is the only place they can allow themselves to see others as not an extension of themself. Yet ironically that is where the relationships then happen.

OR is it rather they Only see the others (at work) insofar as they ARE an extension of self? So they only invest in THOSE relationships as those will futher their career, their success?

Not sure which...

I think now of the musician who is a great performer who acts like his audience are his friends. Does he have friends who are not furthering his career? With whom he just likes to BE?

I feel like it is so much easier to nurther helathy WORK relationships than it is interpersonally in other areas of life.
So much simpler:

If you make promises KEEP THEM
Don't make promises you can't keep
Be honest about your capabilites what you actually can sell and what you actually can do,
give a fair price in the market
Don't screw your partners
Pull your weight
Though shalt not covet your neighbors customers
BE fucking honest
No lies or omissions of truth that will erode a relationship or others
In other words- build your business based on your good work and solid performance with integrity.

Maybe it is not that different interpersonally; but there are so many more opportuniteis for interaction that I think it really becoames a challenge for some.

Maybe not that different? Cause both required setting clarity of roles and boundaries and then follow through.
But perhaps that biggest difference is that interpersonally others expect your support and presence and encouragement.. and yes... love and concern and care... EVEN When there is nothing in it for you. I suppose that is the reason it is hard for some.

Some just have trouble with that unconditional love part. The loving and being present EVEN when someone is doing something or choosing somehing or BEING Something you don't understand or even support. In business some just walk away but that does not work as well in life, although sometimes for sure walking away is the best option too...

But in families. That is the key
In families we should NOT walk away. Because in a family it is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
That is the key. In a family we are connected and those connections, the responsbility of them just go so far beyond ourselves ( to an extent. Makes sense to leave and be on own if toxic- but that is I hope rare).

All this to say still struggling with what is the best role of a parent of young adults! How to teach and motivate and guide without enabling.
Well.. My next step will be resumes. Right or wrong these kids need some help and will not ask for it.

I need to get two back to the DMV to develop independence.

Oh and in good news at least they do cook. I can't say they do NOTHNG other than gaming. Not exactly true- they do cook.

The two recent grads the night before last made a big batch of garlic bread. Then lemon butter cookies.
YES nothing else made at that time- and they were done at 10pm at night.
The motivation this very large Italian loaf of bread that was in the freezer pulled out.

They were so funny coming up to tell me at 10pm it was done. ( The whole house smelled pungent! EIGHT cloves of garlic and almost a half stick of butter for the loaf)

I put ham and cheese on it yesterday and ate some of what was left.

They are just so funny sometimes. They were happy doing that together and they do this -
Maybe once a week the one does make something - ususally an Asian dish. Kimchi, or a noodle dish.

I think they will be alright...

I hope SOME Of them followed through on the job leads.

Its nice to just BE With them; but they need to venture out into the world and DO SOMETHING.

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