2022-07-10 - 9:01 p.m.

I can't imagine I will be able to get my house in order so I am COMFORTABLE and ready for a guest this Tue.

I hope my friend's event is not this week out west of here; but the following.

I have so many chores that need to be done. It is such an ongoing process. Today all I got done was the regular laundry of my own which was in need- that normal weekend chore; and got the kids to go through much of the stuff in the hall. I didn't even finish packing up all that we are getting rid of. There was a box STILL There from when the youngest moved here. I mean good Lord that was sitting in the hall outside her room for year! The one final box. I had eventually unpacked all the rest as she honestly just refused to do it. She said she doesn't want anything from it. I think in this weird way she was indifferent and wanted to let go of much of the stuff she moved here from her Dad's house. It was alot of things she had outgrown long ago. I already had packed up all the clothing that would obviously not fit her. Turns out the little left also was long outgrown.

There was just a pile of clothing no one really wears and it is getting donated or tossed. I don't know why these kids will not do ANYTHING unless I hold their hand through it. I just asked them time and time again to take care of it but until I packed it all in a garbage bag and brought the bag to the living room where they sat and handed it to them today- they would not take care of it. It should not have been a drama but of course it was. The one yelling at me to not throw out their stuff. I said "Go through this and pull out what you want to keep and I will donate the rest".

Never said anything about throwing out THEIR stuff. ( IF they were not going to do it I WAS going to throw the bag in the basement in storage and if they didn't give a damn about it after more time THEN Would have donated the things as they obviously would not have cared for the items!)

They have been shown such little respect for being individuals and given such little regard and concern for their own personal well being and interests I think at times that they are so deeply wounded and in need of affirmation that they matter.

Its heartbreaking the defensiveness that results when grew up with being ignored. My oldest said she learned very early to never ask for help, never express emotion, never cry etc.. as that was seen as weakness and she was berated.
I recalled that happening too... that while their father was so impulsively expressive of his explosive anger there was dismissal of anyone else expressing any emotion whatsover.

I don't get it why some traumatized kids grow up into ADULTS like that- who are so uncomfortable with emotional expression that they squelch it in others. I just hope that does not happen to THESE KIDS
that they somehow feel safe to learn to be in touch with THEIR emotions and don't become the abusers who squelch OTHER'S emotional well being- and do let others exist fully expressing their reality and their feelings EVEN when they make them uncomfortable.

After the duking it out of me telling the kid not to yell at me and that they have no reason to be angry at the expection they all clean up the mess in the hall, things settled to be normal enough appearing. But it was ugly there for a few minutes. I get upset feeling like I should not be treated so poorly.

The moment passed. The kids did go through the stuff. I have a bag to take and donate. The whole mess in hall not quite done- I still need to finish that last box as the youngest is just not going to do it- basically pack the stuff up to donate. She did bring me a couple music books she doesn't need and told me to ebay them. The kids did pull out some items that someone else might want as they are old marvel or harry potter and will sell on ebay.

So I was setting up some auctions on E-bay. Time just flies. I mean then it was time to cook a nice meal. At least the one kid who was screaming at me earlier came into the kitchen excited to help and we cooked together.
I have to celebrate the good and when this kid is NOT unpleasant.

The thing is, they need to get out into the world as they are NICER and HAPPIER when practicing social skills. Sure it is exhausting to mask. Sure my kid would prefer as an autistic person to not have to put energy into acting like everyone else. BUT EVERYONE HAS TO MASK to a degree if they are neurodivergent at all, and a certain amount of that is not bad. I WISH this kid would mask MORE and learn some social skils! My kid thinks unbridled self expression is being authentic, but it is crossing into abusive communication and I don't know how to help this kid SEE that. I don't know how to help this kid, really all these kids, to handle their ANGER which seems to bubble up and be taken out on me.
It has to go somewhere.

I feel like as time goes on it has lessened.
But honestly I still don't exactly feel UP to entertaining in my home yet. It is not where I WOULD like it to be.

I suppose that is my masking. I want to be able to let the family be as they are as they keep growing until such time they are READY and really have the social skills and maturing to handle entering the world. I suppose that is why while I find it frustrating they are not yet working; with the regression of NOT socializing much at all- and social skills actually being impacted, I feel like I GET it that they are avoidant and for the most part still have patience with them.

BUT I think it is fear based and when they go out into the world, JUST LIKE when they navigated school fine they will do just fine.

And honestly it is usually just quiet at home. We don't usually have drama. Only when I push an issue and they push back. But I don't like the manipulation of yelling to try to get me to not enforce whatever it is I want done. It is very manipulative to intimidate to get your own way. It is also such an obviously learned behavior. So it is disappointing two of the three kids here definately emulate that maladaptive behavior and when they do so they are abusive themselves. They gas light with this bullshit of me not respecting their boundaries whenever I try to get then to take self responsibility. Its REALLY Annoying.

Cause my expectations of a clean house ( and I am not talking riduculous OCD here folks but rather the opposite- bare minimum basic!) and my need to enforce are NOT a boundary issues and my right to clean anywhere in my house with the kids still in it IS NOT a boundary issue if it is necessary.

Off to bed. All that to say is I am not sure it realistic that by Tue night either the house is in shape for me to have a guest here
OR I AM IN EMOTIONAL Shape to have a guest here....
OR my KIDS are in an emotional state where if I have an overnight guest here, one they know has been my lover in past....
if they will be FINE with him hanging here with me the next day as they are in THEIR space here.
I mean they hang out in the living room.
If they are uncomfortable that is their issue truly--- BUT I still don't want anyone here until they are going to be accepting of it and it is NOT contentious. I think when Art came over the one time it was downright contentious between him and my one kid who did not like or respect him.

I do know this kid who met my DC friend LIKES him. That is a plus.

Will see. I just want to avoid unpleasantness

yes I can be avoidant. I get it that I may be trying to avoid unpleastantness by not duking it out more often and more forciby with my kids over things like their lack of doing the dishes and picking up the living room after themselves,their lack of EVER cleaning any room of the house ( but their bedrooms when they get to it. )

I do ALL the chores. They do help with the cooking. One has helped with shopping- so those are apprechiated,and they do their own laundry. BUT they don't help with dishes or vauming or cleaning a bathroom or even picking up clutter. They will leave wrappers and I am not great at tracking down whoever did it and giving them hell. NO I just pick up the wrappers and dishes left and wonder why the hell they are so lazy. I know fundamentally they are lazy becuase they CAN Be as I do the picking up! BUT I CAN"T STAND THE MESS at some point. EVEN if I try to not do that and leave it in hopes THEY Get their own mess picked up, MY Tolerence for mess- which is rather freaking high- get's hit and then I straighten it all out once again.

Ce la vie. I just hope if this thing is THIS Tue I find some spurt of energy and time the next two days to get my house in order.
It feels good at least to have my laundry done. BUT I ALSO need to get my comfortor cleaned! I have to take it to a laundromat as it is big. I don't think it will remove poison ivy oils and AGAIN this week the one arm flared up!! I THINK It has to be that the oils are on the top of that comforter. So I am not going to have a guest here unless I Once AGAIN launder all my bedding- this time including the top comforter. And I need to take it to the laundromat to use HOT water to remove the oils.

That is critical. That and wash my shower and bathroom.

I just hope I can get it all done.
Hope I have a couple high energy days.

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