2022-07-10 - 12:25 p.m.

I was grateful to spend time with friends.
It is so funny as I have two guy friends with the exact same first name and they BOTH tend to reach out to me the exact same day; or days before asking to get together on the exact same day.

It always cracks me up. Because the beauty of both of these friendships is neither are needy and both have their priorities straight so tend to their business first, then family and friends. They also could not be MORE opposite in many way. One voted for trump and we have intensely debated yet somehow remain friends; the other campaigned for Biden and is active in the most significant local campaigns to keep dems in the house and senate. Both however share the trait of being generous in helping out others.

So I spent a bit of time visiting the one at his home and also met the other ( the DC guy) halfway from DC and my home. Its nice to meet in the middle and enjoy each others company.

I really did need the nurtuing of friends ; so meeting my gal friends the past weekend and then the guy friends this weekend was great. Last Sun I had met a wonderful local gal I am friends with out for a walk and a bite to eat.

Now I have no discrestionary spending but I did very frugally treat myself nonetheless because I truly do not go out often but now NEED To as I am overcoming this heartbreak and the blow of losing my job.

Its like now I need friendship and companionship more than ever and all the stuff I read on how to get out of the funk and pain of a heartbreak and not dwell on and get into a seriously depressed state says to GO OUT. LOOK BEYOND YOURSELF
Nurture others!

The total key is to be caring and there for your friends who need you and to let your friends be there for you when you need them.

So Saturdays are the carved out time for my group that works through The Artist's Way. The ladies who joined ( and only ladies joined which in the end we think perfect!), have become friends. We really are so open and vulnerable and real with each other and this group has become so important to each of us. Its been deeply supporting and profound in how powerful the work of going through the behavior changes of really prioritizing ones own needs is, without seeing it as selfish is.

But the key to happiness is not being SELF centered. There is an absolute balance.

Just came here to write two thoughts primarily before I dig into housework:

So the one guy friend I am going to call Seinfeld from now on. I mean I have called him that as he is the serial dater who finds something at fault with each potential partner that is a deal breaker that he can't live with.

It is actually so much fun to hear about his dates. In my depressive moment in binge watching Greys Anatomy it was funny to watch the season 7 story ( yes figured out the season I am in- there you have it! Seven) of the Dr. compassionately marrying this handsome ill man who needed treatment to live but who would have been turned away due to no insurance to cover it. The Single hot Dr. Said "Marry me"
and indeed they had a quick ceremony as the Dr. wanted to perform the procedure and could not convince the hospital to find the funding for such pro bono.

So as the soap opera/drama ( y'all this really is a soap... just saying) unfolds episode after episode of the hot Dr's dates and her leaving a bad one to visit her "husband" and share the funny and awful first date stories.

I think of this as of course as the relationship develops they develop into her being the husband's best friend and it is clear he has fallen in love with her....

and well... will see how this unfolds (kinda predictable to me.)

I mean I thought of this as when I met my friend he said he had a date. I said "That was rather obvious to me; since you said you were busy 2-4 but didn't tell me why."

I mean he shares details often.
I said "I know when not to ask questions and respect your boundaries. If you care to tell me something you do"
and then he did tell me about his date, which sounded like an OK one actually.

But the thing is the more I do develop the friendship the more I do notice how ATTRACTIVE he is. The things I find not attractive are that he has been ALL OVER THE PLACE
in trying to figure out what he wants; and he is one who has a new love interest EVERY OTHER WEEK
I mean like for real

He seems to get seriously interested and pine for a woman ( who is not really interested sometimes- often a long term friend) and seems to be on the quest for a deep relationship
YET at the same time is dating multiple people and constantly seeking new prospects

and I think he is really out for great sex, for the pleasure of it...
and he doesn't really have a TYPE not like any distinct person he is in particular attracted to....

All the red flags of someone still figuring out THEMSELF really.

Not fully grounded yet in SELF.

Or maybe just a sex addict? So need multiple partners to fullfill needs?

That was the deal breaker for me-
matter of my HEALTH

Even if respectful, and great with boundaries, and an excellent communicator and there is chemistry etc...
I didn't really want to have that kind of open relationship with someone SO PROLIFIC that they have multiple partners and his behaviors were just too risky for my taste.

So we have been friends.

And he cracks me up with the reasons his relationships have not worked out

"It was going great, and we had been seeing each other for a couple months. After a few weeks or month of going out she came over and stayed at my place a few times but then one night we go to dinner and she brings me to her place afterward and , well it was just A MESS. I mean stuff EVERYWHERE. It was so chaotic that it literally just turned me off- I mean the mood was just shot for me. So we kissed a bit but I just left....""

HA HA

Seinfeld !

I have heard the complaint of the gals place being too messy.

So this is the funny part. This is a man I DID DATE during COVID
well, because we were de facto---- just cause everyone was really honoring lockdown
MONOGOMOUS for that time frame

knowing we both had a completely open relationship.. But only AFTER COVID lifted did it become clear his sexual desired and interests were so prolific that that was something I was not comfortable with.

He was a great partner during the pandemic! We really do enjoy each other's comany. He is a good communicator ( usually... a couple times he DID NOT LISTEN TO ME which I noticed and I noticed that he seemed to want more attention from me that I could give at times. HE wanted me to come to his place all weekend and I wanted to be home Fri and most of Sat to get my shit done - basically the same issue I HAVE in relationships in that I NEED MORE SPACE than I suppose some men are comfortable with).

I mean I also got the sense he was less interested when it was clear I had male freinds I was involved with ( at some level) be it the other dude with the same name ( HA) who I love to hang with at his place ( my relaxing escapist sanctuary close to home but not home where I can sit and watch the sunset over his vinyard) OR the conversations and love and support of my NY Buffalo guy. I mean the DC guy knew of those friends/relationships.
I felt like he pulled back when I spoke of them yet he wanted the open realtionship FOR HIM. So I think there is a disconnect there-
And I think in the end he may be a bit more self-interested, and self-centered than other focused at time.
BUT I still like him much and really had enjoyed just a fantastic dating relationship during that time, even if neither of us were THAT into each other.

It was never the just fell madly in love and feel that in love obsession. The chemistry was never the pull of such strong phermones that it is hard to even control oneself.

I mean not the kind of crazy attraction-

like I unfortunately had with Art!

I say unfortunately as it was the guy who had not repected boundaries and who there was so much drama with as he was verbally and psycologically acting abusive and it feels like manipulative tactics now to try to get me back....
Art dropped of a nice card, of couse attesting he cares about our friendship along with groceries the other day. That is helpful actually and I apprechiate the gesture of NOW Caring about my concern for family and my priorites. BUT it is weird it comes now and it feels manipulative and not healthy and felt like I was gracious in saying thank you and accepting that offering for the sake of all here-
but also wondered if I SHOULD just text back to please pick that up as NO can't allow him to do that.

I did say thank you.

I worried and thought I HAVE To go no contact so he really gives me space to heal and get over him and move on.
I actually THOUGH I blocked his #! After texting I need to go no contact to get over him. I mean I wish he would understand.

Maybe he won't. Maybe I didn't when the guy who proposed to me had to do that. I get it for sure now.
If you fell in love with someone and have actual heartbreak and KNOW despite loving the person the relationship is a BAD IDEA and you choose NOT to accept the overwhelming BAD it will bring.. I mean the toxicity was clear. I cannot go back into any controlling toxic relationship AT ALL. Too much. I just will not be abused again!

I THOUGHT I added the # to block. Not sure why- BUT then what would have been the predictable next text (but was a surprise that threw me as I thought I blocked the #) was an invite to do something with him today. And of course now he says kids are welcome to come. REALLY? WTF now?? IT was Fucking 95 degrees in my home and he wanted me to come on the mountain where it was cool but couldn't be man enough to invite my family on those sweltering days when we were all here in the heat. But now he invites my kids to come join us?? I am just bitter at his lack of care and concern which then he clearly did not have. He didn't want to even come into my home. He was UNCOMFORTABLE with my trans kids...
FUCK HIM

He can't fucking pretend to care about who they are now. HE doesn't. He cares about me for sure, but he is not caring for who they ARE - rather he liked who they WERE when they were little kids. He doesn't even KNOW who they are now and if he were HONEST.
as my Buffalo guy is, and my older kids are, he would say from the little interaction he had with one who was unpleasant and verbally impatient and argumentative and judgemental and quick to be agressive - he would be honest and say
"I Don't LIKE YOUR KID and NO I Don't want to spend time there as it is really upsetting"

THAT would be honest.

I could handle that if he could articuate THAT rather than being transphobic and going onto a rant about how the media has been pushing an LGBTQ agenda for years ( BULLSHIT. Including representation of stories that include gay people are small )

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/presence-vs-representation-report-breaks-down-lgbtq-visibility-tv-n1251153

The fucking rant of how there are more gay teens now cause they have been TAUGHT And groomed to be gay because of media is such BS

YEAH That is why now 4.5% of the population is gay!!

ITS A FUCKING TINY MINORITY And Life is FUCKING HARD when gay.

WTF

My kids don't even fucking WATCH TV.

We never even GOT it.
Dont have cable and never did... fucking grew up in this hick community

I am angry at the bullshit of him trying to now act like he cares with gestures
when he has been ANGRY And ABUSIVE in his communication.

That is only one issue- and I don't care if someone disagrees with me on some things but how the fuck can I have a serious relationship with someone transphobic with trans kids??
I just can't.

My family still has to come first.

I already talked about the controlling behaviors... the BS lack of trust. Art would talk about how he did not trust his ex girlfriend and he told me the story of him losing it and picking up a freaking shovel when he was arguing and started fighting with her grown son. I don't care what an asshole her son was, this man lost it and went after him with a freaking shovel...

I mean he has temper issues, is reactive, and gets agressive. FUCK NO I don't need that. HE also was abelist and did not respect his disabled sister.

THEN The fucker made some fucking comment like "Maybe I should apply for disability"
WTF??

I lost all respect for him then. Because he is not disabled. He is just freaking LAZY and not motivated. His sister on the other hand worked FOR YEARS Through her pain while she had disabilities For FUCKING YEARs. His sister worked her ass off and when I met her I found her inspirational. Fucking inspirational all she has accomplished as a strong woman despite her disability. I found his view of her absolutely abelist and it an insult for him to consider and even utter that comment of considering filing for disability

He said he was hurt when in the service...fucking years ago... I forget what kind of BS he said but I was like WTF?? You would not qualify as you can work and have worked and recently held a job and could do so again. He was acting like an entitled lazy selfish...
OK let me stop. I just don't respect when someone does not TRY Their best to do what they are capable of and wallow in self pity. Maybe I should not judge as there likely is a MENTAL disability when folks do that. So maybe MY view is also abelist in that regard.

BUT I was put off by his disappointment and irritation at his sister asking for help. She does have mobility issues, and therefore when there she does ask the visiting family to help by getting thing out of drawers etc. Seems perfectly normal and that is what you do when around someone with a real disability. NO DIFFERENT from my old dear friend who passed away a couple years back, or my kids when they are cooking in the kitchen and we help each other out. He was resenting when she asked anyone to get anything for her. Meanwhile she had cooked up a storm to host in her house and she had done so much work the day before HERSELF without help and I swear he is clueless as to how HARD That labor of love is for a person in chronic pain. He was so oblivious and judgmental.

I did enjoy speaking with her and hearing about her life, her challenges.

Just one last thing. When she left her abuser she said she was very upset with her brother. He really disappointed her in his lack of understanding and support.

Honestly he didn't get it. And when he talked about her prior marriage it was clear to me he did not get it as he in his mind has normalized abuse- as I am SURE it is something THEY ALL GREW UP WITH. His Dad talked about his beloved deceased wife and he was really open in talking about some of their issues. Well, Italian hot headed moments of actual abuse were part of it. Not sure Art even recalls or understands but I heard from his 85 yr old Father some of the family history.

Abuse in families often is normalized. Someone has to see something DIFFERENT and recognize there can be something different and then do a ton of hard work to deconstruct their own beliefs, patterns, and nurtured habits, behaviors and the family cultural mores to then create NEW believes, behaviors, habits and patterns.

But if someone is not even SELF AWARE
there is no hope that the family legacy of abuse will not be passed on.

Hell no.

I was there in a crazy, even if loving in many ways, Italian family.

I am just not up for that again. I can't do it. It will break me.

I am not going to be broken.

So I sent the wrong message, I guess.

So I basically said no, I don't want this relationship but my thank you when the card attesting friendship with gift of helping friend in need apparently gave a mixed message.

I have to figure out how to work my cell phone block. Maybe I blocked calls but not texts? IDK

Beacuse I have to disengage.

But back to the two things! I went off on a stream of consious tangent of course!

1. When sitting with Seinfeld I asked him in relation to dating "What it is you are looking for?"

He answered "True Love"

Therein lies the problem he has. One doesn't find true love. One can't look for it. If you do that you will never be satisfied as that is impossible to find.

It is not just this wonderous thing that you happen upon. NO One CREATES true love by their consistent presence, relationship development and actions.

That is the trouble I think with Seinfeld. He has the romanticized view of what true love is. But I think there are a couple elements required to Co CREATE true love with a partner. One is I firmly believe commitment. He is sabatoguing any possiblity by the serial dating and finding the smallest fault the reason to not continuing to develop relationship and letting it grow and blossom. He is sabatoguing true love existing by the scism of sexuality from a deep bond of attachment in a relationship being cojoined with sex manifesting the feelings and love that are already there. He prematurely physically is sexually seeking pleasure as I think he is seekign HIS pleasure. He is not looking to how he can bring love TO OTHERS as much as he is looking to BE loved. And he is looking for it in physicallity rather than spiritaul connection , soul connection and a deep relationship. I mean I think sex can be one of the most soulfully connecting experiences there IS. I think it CAN be divine and should be divine
but if it is something you are so regularly able to enter with multiple people I question how meaningful the physical sharing is for each of thoese realtionships. I mean it is not impossible that each is truley deeply with soul connection and attachment. BUT I think more likely that Seinfeld is separating deep connection from sex in a kind of avoidance of deep connection, out of fear of rejection, so not REALLY opening up to be fully vulnerable. He is I think afraid to put his heart into someone else's hands so to speak. So the way to protect your heart is to not be RELIANT on any one person for your care and happiness. To find your own happiness. The challenge comes when we try to find meaningful connection but have gotten into the PRACTICE. THE HABIT of disassociation of self when physically intimate with another. The disassociation of self being attached- the separation of emotional connection with physical connection. The use of physical connection for our own bodily pleasure distinct from really being attached and caring and DEPENDANT on another person's love to some degree.

In every relationship there is an interdependence that develops. It needn't be unhealthy and the kind which is co-dependance. Rather a healthy ability to trust each other to somehow alchemize each to meet the others needs in a way that becomes familiar, yes even predictable and reliable and trusted. In other words, SAFE. There is no fear of the person not being there when you need them. You can really let go of fear and worry and be yourself authentically and will not be rejected.
EVEN IF your house is messy or your disorganized or interrupt or are a frustratingly bad driver, or late all the time with awful time management skillls.....

Oh but perhaps I project HA HA

EVEN If not perfect, you don't need to fear nor mask. For true love is when over time you and a partner have gotten to know even the worst flaws and STILL Commit to love one another and be fully present to help one another in the moments of weakness, vulnerability and need. True love is more of an orchestrated dance of carefully planned out steps intertwine where each takes turns leading and following. It requires listening and letting go to not step on each other's toes, and providing support in a spin and a safe place to land so you don't fall.

It's funny. I love to go dancing ALONE. I love to be able to dance the whole room yet for some reason-
I think because I wanted to experience joy

AND I was experiencing joy in the comfort and companionship of my friend last night,
I asked him
"Do you dance?"

He said "yes"
Then I asked "Do you LIKE to dance?"
and he said "yes"
then
"Are you a GOOD dancer"
He said not particularly but reasonably OK.
OK then
and I suddenly had the urge to take him dancing with me. I can't say I ever wanted to bring a man with me when going Latin dancing. But I wanted to bring him-
then I realized it is FRIDAY night, not Sat that the place I used to go to had Latin dancing. It was not that far from where we were but knowing that it was late enough and they might not have it there on a Sat night I dismissed the idea.

But that too is not what I wanted to write about.

#2 thing I intended to write of.
So my friend goes to a mens group. It is a spiritualist organization that both he and his roomie have been enjoying the offerings of. They in fact met at one of the events run by this group. They offer workshops on things like Yoga, and Tantric workshops, and women's and men's groups to develop authentic connection and understand self. They had some wonderful workshops on crisis communication- being an ally and how to descalate violence. Just your average middle aged hippy group of folks who want to create love in the world and peace!

So he has been going to the mens group for years. I mean I have been friends with he and his roomie for , gosh , the year before COvid started? I was friends with them both for months then dated him for a couple months before COVID hit.

He said they might have to cancel this month, but they were considering re-located it to outdoors as the host and his family got Covid.
The rest of the mens group might meet-

OH Get this-- cracked me up;

somewhere on the mountain.
The same damn mountain of course where Art lives. The same place this DC guy took me and his roomie for a drive ( I followed) as their good friend (Who just happened to be my old neighbor- lives in the same neighborhood and the guy I carried the # of as he was the one teaching guitar and songwriting I VOWED to study from someday- who is now my teacher!)-

Well he asked if he could stay here after that group meeting rather than have to drive all the way back to DC. The meeting is usually East of here 15 minutes; but will be further west which makes a much longer drive back to DC. But late at night, I am on the way.

I said "Sure. I was surprised you never asked this all that time we were dating"

I thought of it but never wanted to offer truth be told cause my kids were SO careful about COVID they did not feel comfortable with ANY Guests in our house! Even though they knew he was in my little pod- as I only saw he and his roomie for that first year, and my one friend from work I walked outdoors with. I mean for a whole year those were the only three folks I saw in person and socialized with. I was GRATEFUL for them all!

OK

So this was the #2 thing to write about.

Possibility of Seinfeld, who has litter tolerecne for choas and clutter and messy environments, will definately be motivating for me to get this place clean and orderly.

I forwarned him as not only did he dumb one lady (at least) as he could not handle the chaos of her apt so it was a non starter for him of what was otherwise a nice begining;
in the past year he dated a gal he dumped and one of the things was he could not envision a life together as she was so messy and her apt cluttered! He said his ex wife was like that and it triggers him.

I get it- being triggered by even quirky things. I get it.

I told him "Trust me, My house is likely far worse"

Yet I am happy to have the motivation to get out of my funk, get out of bed and clean the heck out of my house.

EVEN if he does not come crash here; I will get it done!

I also have to admidt. When he and I both found comfort in our friendship but also the surprise as we sat there and held hands and just enjoyed some TOUCH last night as we connected, there was the apprechiation of a shared attraction.

He did say he was having this urge to want to sleep with me.

Now knowing he has that urge OFTEN HA HA and that it can be easily elicited from ...well... I think anyone reasonably intelligent and reasonably decent looking that is not such a compliment

HA HA BUT nonetheless despite fact I said "No I am certainly not ready for that. And if with you I would not want it to be a rebound but would want it to be because it is YOU"

I mean we do not have that depth of emotional connection and attachment and love for each other that would make me want to sleep with him. I am not going to sleep with someone just for comfort. But he is good with boundares and gets it to not have expectations. He understands CONSENT and clear communication. He get its....
so he feels like a familiar safe friend.

NOT SURE I really WANT to host him.I might not feel it...
it might not be a good idea...
my kids might not be up for it... and this is indeed their home and they have to be comfortable.

At the same time I get it that he also gets tired of being the only one doing all the work to be ready for a guest. That is not fair and it is healthier for any relationship to go back and forth, It was in part deference to my kids I never brought him here; and in part he acted happy to host me there in D.C- but....
I think at some level that was not pulling my weight and offering for him to come HERE would have likely been a game changer in whether he wanted to break up or not. HE Broke up with me. I was not heartbroken but like "Whatever".... I mean I didn't extend myself I guess as it was SO MYCH EFFORT to do so and honestly, I was not that attached or in love where I had motivation and energy to do so.

But in the past year or so two of my kids have had friends stay over. They are opening up their social worlds and I am pleased they are letting people in.

Part of me is also the insecurity that I won't be good enough. I get that. That definitely is the defense I put up when choosing polyamory for years. It is a self-protection as when polyamorous your emotional attachment is not focused on ONE partner the same way when choosing to create a committed monogamous relationship.

It's a protection from getting hurt. Having the attention and love of multiple partners, if one pulls away, one still has the affection and companionship of OTHERS, so it is hard to really be lonely. The problem is that this only works if BOTH People are OK with EACH OTHER being polyamorous and BOTH are the non-jealous type.

YES there CAN be such a thing! I am seriously non jealous. I mean I don'
t give a fuck if I am in an open relationship and have transparency if my lover takes another lover (or already had another lover)- AS LONG as there is honesty, and my relationship is not violating the integrity of a commitment!

Meaning I will not CHEAT with a guy. If he is in a monogamous relationship I don't play!! HELL NO

It was still so good to me to be albe to be present for my friends too! My guy friend in DC had his own issues as we all do in our lives.

I try to only talk about mine. He has His reasons for guarding his heart as he does, as having to be on his own self-discovery journey of figure out who HE IS and what HE wants in his life.

But the thing is
I respect him
because he does the work. His mens group his part of the work. His self-care is part of the work. And along the way he DOES develop authentic relationships with friends and lovers and they are not self-centered. They are based on mutual shared interests and values. Feels like his friendships/relationships DO have substance.

SO I appreciate his friendship and I could be as present for him as he talked about his issues as he was with me supporting me through this issue of my heartbreak.

The friendship feels mutual and real.
So I apprechiate that.

And want to be able to help him and be able to offer a place to crash here EVEN If I am not interested in being amorous with him. Will see...

depending on when that is and where he and I are both at. I mean I am not totally thinking it is not a possiblity as I can't say his suggestion last night displeased me or had any response in me other than
it does feel nice to be wanted. Even if not ready
it is nice to know he was attracted and feeling that... it was nice to enjoy to solidity of his presence and feel like his friendship is real and his affection and attraction has been real
EVEN if not particularly STRONG but more like slowly percolating. It was a gradual development

and the thing is the friendship has been gradually unfolding.

As I told him in response to his articulating that he wa feeling that last night-
I said
"Hey, you don't want to bite into the whole onion too quickly
peel the layers slowly... one at time

Biting in too fast just ruins it.

That is what happened with Art!"

So I am going to clean my house and get it ready for him to be a guest to consider the possibility.
I might not be ready to host him here. I might not be emotionally up for it. My kids might not be-
*but they have had guests over and know their guests are welcome and they know if I want a guest they have to be as gracious and respectful of that. The house rule is basically to communicate and let everyone know out of respect for each other! ESPECIALLY As without AC clothing on those hot days is entirely optional....and these kids tend to just SHED it as they can't tolerate the heat very well!

So will see... but I am certainly happy for finding joy in time with friends and feeling the motivation to clean house to host a friend here! I had been wanting to do that to have his roomie here actually. I wanted a GIRLS Weekend with her and didnt get around to planning when it would work- as really was thinking better once the college kid is back to school as the basement is a nice place to offer for a guest to stay. That is on my bucket list I want to really enjoy her company as she is truly a wonderful special person. She is a writer, poet and honestly this deeply spiritual person who is so wonderful and inspirational to be around. I love spending time with her. We have some shared interests and enjoy talking of them. (One being Mary actually! I love hearing about some of the mystics she reads, and the readings about both Mary and Mary Madeline. I have read a couple books she recommended, and they are fun to talk about.) Heck I would love to travel to the spiritualist community of Lilydale with her, and also to a couple of the sites of so-called Marian apparitions where there are deeply spiritual individuals who believe they have either seen Mary or channeled her, as well as would love to travel north of Buffalo to visit the site of this huge natural rosary. She as I grew up Catholic and we both have this affinity for the rosary. It is still my go to prayers.
Its my ritual.
The piece of Catholicism I carry with me is my Marian devotion. I love that she gets it.

So that is the good news for me. I have goals to look forward to which motivate me to get my shit done here. I try to find motivation to keep this place clean and orderly for me and the family. I try for that to be ENOUGH reason. But sometimes, in particular as the family does not care and not only does not help but makes it harder to keep orderly as are almost actively RESISTANT to order and want to dig into embracing disorder.
well sometimes it gets hard for me to do this JUST FOR ME it seems. I know we should all have internal self-love and motivation to do the hard things just for ourselves.
But sometimes I find it hard to find the energy.
Sometimes I need someone else to be in my space for me to see my own shit and claen it up. I think that is true of all of us in so many ways.That yes our being our best selves at times is reliant on an interdependence.

So It feels good to have someone I want to welcome here that gives me energy to pick up my game. The thing about Art was his standard was lower than mine! His place was dirty and more cluttered than mine. So when I came into his world I helped him get motivated to pick up his game and rise to the next level. He needed help to envision possibilities of growth for himself. I encouraged him and helped him. BUT I Was not getting support I also benefit from in propeling MY Growth. So there is a bit of selfishness that I envision me having those in my world who are more capable , who have grown more in some respects, who can be an example and a motivation and provide support and encouragement for me to rise to the level they are already at!

That is so helpful! I envision surrounding myself with friends who not only do I help grow but who also push me to grow-

even if it is because they want to spend time in my world and I am open to welcome them into my world.

It honestly has been a long time I have been willing to do that. The relationship with Art helped me push through certain fear and distancing that I HAD been doing for years. It did help me be more open to someone being closer than I allowed anyone for years. The trouble was his own issues that then are triggers and deal breakers for me. So despite the heartbreak it was healthy and good to allow myself to FEEL like that.

I mean I don't think I truly allowed myself to feel for so long. I have been very detached.
So the relationship WAS good for me for the time that it was. But I can't stay in it and let it spiral into something that is not good for me.

So thank God for friends too who give me companionship and help so that I am not vulnerable to think that i am giving up something I will never have again. NO If I were to continue a relationship with Art he would demand I give up all the wonderful relationships I ALREADY HAVE

He did not realize he was asking me to make a huge sacrifice for HIS needs. He did not realize he was asking me to forego that which fulfills and makes me happy, no not asking but coercing by really abusive manipulative mean angry comments abd behaviors designed to isolate. I mean I NEED these friendships. I need to keep them growing and need to continue to be able to go off and volunteer and help others without worry about someone's insecurity; without being checked up on; without someone NOT TRUSTING ME, without abuse.

But I have ranted long enough. I even fell asleep and took a nap then woke and wrote more.

Now onto Action.
I will clean this place up and be ready for the next step in my own growth of nurturing my friendships.
I also need to continue to do the work for my own personal growth. I need to push through MY laziness of not practicing guitar or writing in a structured manner on my writing project (do need that Dragon Software as soon as affordable and possible!); to find deadlines and write short fiction or poetry or something - just set submission goals and do the work! And I need to paint and draw myself. Because the thing is I have attached myself to artists and musicians because that is what feeds my soul. That is what makes me sing- the acts of creation. I know it is because that is what gives ME JOY; when I do the work and learn something new and have created something beautiful. So I need to focus on doing more of that myself.
Fear of failure is not something that is going to block me; nor my own limitation of ADHD and executive functioning challenges. I KNOW how to be organized. I have learned the skills. I just need to apply them NOT ONLY in my paid work ( which is now none HA HA) but also in my creative work.

SO I am now looking at this lay off as an opportunity to really embrace the gift of being able to devote myself to my creative pursuits. I don't give a crap if the outcome or output is really good or not. I just want to engage in the processes and get into the HABITS of creating in myraid ways being part of my life.

I get so frustrated when others with talent do not do the work. I have to be as frustrated with myself and not let ME be lazy and overcome by lack of confidence myself! It is kinda nice to be home to get my shit done!
So here is the concrete list after thinking via typing:
MY TO DO:

Dragon Software (can't afford yet but don't want to forget about it)
Can write in LONG hand in my notebook to move that writing project forward!!
SCHEDULE COVID booster shot/ and Gardisol next shot for the teens/young adults ( the 19 yr old needs help to get it done!)
FIND ENT specialist for the 17 yr old.

BIRTHDAY for the older kid! Wait?? IS he turning 21?? YES! CRAP this is a big one. I need to do something special for him!!
Laundry
Dishes (Ha those will be done once stop writing..
TAKE SUMMER CLOTHES OUT OF ATTIC AND WASH! PACK AWAY WINTER I love doing this, but it takes much energy and honestly also means have to harangue the kids to clean up their shit in the hall. Ongoing battle. I am going to just throw their shit in bags and put in basement NOW and if they want to go get it and care about any of it can find it. I am sick of the mess. I WILL clean the damn house and they can go find their shit if they want it then put it away. [ Update brought bag of crsp and after the rraction of yelling at me " Don't touch my stuff " abd " Dont throw out my stuff! " kids go through piles of clothing. Hall not totally clear but progress! Still lsundry basket of someone's clean clothes to be moved from hall. ) Done with being nice about this and waiting months. ( ok compromised as fuked ot out over 3/4 of mess and being patient still 4 the last 🧺] I am honoring not going in rooms BUT FOR the necessary cleaning when it stinks- and to clean sheets if they have not- well I have not put the shit in the hall away in their rooms. THEIR JOBS. IT has to get out of the funking hall as I can't even open the attic door due to the boxes and baskets and clothes just PILED EVERYWHERE of theirs!!!
Restring and practice guitar (Stop procrastinating. It is not really a chore but will be fun)
Oh and ask 19 yr old if they went to the pharmacy yet and if they didn't go for them.
GET KIDS to DMV to get their shit done As soon as have money to do so!!
Resumes and job hunting push for teens- they just need a prod. The fight tooth and nail but then sometimes after the resistance settle with accepting help. I got the two of them wanting the info on job postings. Today when went to buy laundry detergent and dish soap saw TWO MORE "We're hiring" signs on businesses WITHIN WALKING distance!

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