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2022-07-11 - 7:05 a.m.

Seth Perler- The best ADHD coach out there

So validating as yes, it is hard to let kids have autonomy and let it be-
but still give guidance

Failure of course is a loosely learned term.

My coaching has been to point out WHEN my kid pushed through the resistance and then a positive outcome happened. I am hoping with each time this moment happens that they see and grow and are encouraged not to think of the negativ.

Look at the validity of the hard thing. YES
I don't think the plan my kid had for college was HER OWN
That is why I think in my kid's heart she could not follow through.

(For the one)
I did ask "Who's idea was that program you wanted to apply to"

She said "Dad found it. But I think its a good one"

I said. "I agree! But I think you need to really figure out what it is YOU want to do, what gives you energy and enthusiasm. If that is it GREAT, but I don't see you doing that kind of work just for joy. Figure out what it is you want to do for your joy, cause there has to be something you really enjoy- then study THAT"

How to get progress with a negative narrative:
Relationship *(hold space and listen)- hmm.... I think that is where I am at with my kids
Buy in and Ownership
Scaffolding and Chunking
When something feels too big and too abstract feel pressure
People with good executive function create systems and chunk it down

The 2nd kid totally has buy in and ownership but then PROBLEM with follow through. This is the kid who WILL be an engineer. They just don't follow through for whatever reason.

The Time Managment issue is a big one for me.

To chunk the task
Find where the kid is going to be Ok STARTING

this is what I am trying to do with my kids as far as getting jobs. The whole idea of it is apparently very overwealming

Its an issue of getting the kids to sit and start. Stretch an push themselves rather than sit in resistance.

Its the moving and get momentum. Now I did coach them through the damn project of getting the hall cleaned. By chunking and bringing part of the task to them.

My method usually is bring one item at a time and ask "Do you want to keep this" But then I am doing the task by asking them to do the one thing at a time with my faciliation-
but their buy in.

It is the calming the nervous system down that I think I am not particually good at ( or that even if I am good at it my kid's (the one) nervous system is so overreactive that they immediately are triggered and use the defense of agression at any push to do ANYTHING.

BUT I have to not retreat in face of that agressive response ( Which is what I WAS trying to do- trying to wait for a moment the kid was going to be calm)
problem is there was NEVER a moment this kid was calm with me in response to me inquiring about anything, trying to even engage in conversation. This kid was choosing NOT to have relationship with me BUT FOR when it is on their own terms.
I can't intiiate anything. Its the ulimate control.
So this kid needs that freking control and buy in I have been guessing. BUT MAYBE I have been wrong to be so indulgent and DO need to duke it out more and each time the kid is agressive NOT walk away without telling this kid the communicaiton is not acceptable
point out the anger and nasty delivery IS FuCKING WRONG and IS ABUSIVE when consistent
and I don't deserve that.

*To be fair it has gotten better

NO free pass to abuse me even for a moment. I should never be sreamed at , yelled at
Even the "STOP" rudely dismissing me if I ask a reasonable question is NOT Acceptable .

Its not acceptable to be so controlling and expect others to never talk to you when you are in community
Whether a family
or at a work or school

IT is NOT acceptable to be rude and dismissive without consideration of other's feeling and this kid DOES need to learn to regulate emotion and responses whever they are pushed to engage EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE

Hell they manage everywhere else
BUT they need to manage with me at home and not treat me like shit.

So the interesting thing to me was that yesterday I pushed that issue of the mess in the hall and recently pushed the issue of getting the rooms cleaned. They love to talk of my lack of boundaries but the house being an absolute mess all the time is to me a lack of THEIR respect for this being a shared space. The fact there are three of them ganging up on me and disregarding my wishes does not make it any less respectful.

They totally have a misaligned sense of entitlement. The fact they don't feel any ,I don't know, DESIRE To help out at home. Its weird as in their Dad's home I KNOW They HAVE To do chores. I know how he is like a drill seargent and then they fall into line. Its like they still don't know how to function without that kind of BEING Controlled. I figured at some point they would get out of trauma brain and learn how to make their own decisions and be self motivated and it would start in their own spaces their own rooms then extend to taking ownership in their own home here. But they only take ownership by insiting their shit is everywhere and staking claim to use of all the spaces in this home but NOT to the point of CARING for the spaces. Its more like animalistic marking with their messes! HA HA Like the very basic first step happened but there is slow growth into CARING for the spaces in this home.

They are entitled to the sanctity of their rooms but I can't have the one having filthy sheets and dust piling up when she is not engaging in self care. She is 17 still ( I forget ages sometimes... ok often)
so hell no boundary crossing when I am entering her space to clean cause she has not,
and I just hope for the day they actually CARE about cleaning up after themselves.

Thing is I have TRIED To NOT DO IT FOR TheM. But found they just don't freking mind the mess. It gets too much for me and I HAVE To clean as I don't want to live in MY HOUSE Like that!

I just hate that they try to attack me with such vengence when I am just trying to curate a peaceful and ORDERLY home not build on chaos and patterns of freaking emotional outbursts of anger. I am glad it is a peaceful home but the problem is when I try to establish order so it can ALSO be clean and orderly - then they erupt into anger. They really do and it is so ugly and disappointing.

IT is all about control!
They just have such a NEED for control it seems which I think is a huge concern. I get it as they were raised by a control freak Dad and given NO Autonomy and so have a NEED to assert self. I suppose this , well actual insertion of their stuff everywhere and leaving their trail of stuff ( wrapper... dishes..) their "Marking" of territory is really territorial behavior, same as wanting to be sure their room is THEIR safe space and at this point this space , along with their diet, are truly THE ONLY THINGS THEY CAN CONTROL.

Control of their emotions and how to regulate and communicate is a bit harder... they have gotten BETTER . Honeslty tremendous progress over the years. The last place they need to grow is in that relationship with ME.
Cause I am just still the pillow they punch
the safe space to vent their anger it seems
but they need to realize they can use me as a safe space without making me the punching bag ( emotionally!)

I am tired of absorbing the blows of their emotional responses and outbursts to NORMAL interaction of a parent!
I think the responses are reactions to their past and they just don't see it.

I was intending on bringing a suit jacket ( which frankly was a bit funky) to a laundromat to clean it for the one college student. It was in a bag and I was going to bring it to one of the cheaper cleaners next time I drive East. My kid who lives in the basement came home with a new suit which is his birthday gift from Dad. It is nice they went shopping and that is what he wanted. He went off on how I am not to touch his expensive clothes in his closet. (I had hung the nicer clothes in that closet after I washed them last weekend.) This kid had not really been upset intiially that I laundered and the room was no longer stinky! But when the others were going off he jumped on the bandwagon of complaining I did not respect his boundaries. So as he was lecturing me to not ever touch his things I did say
"remember I mentioned I pulled the suit jacket. It's in that bag. Do you want me to bring it to the cleaners?"

He said No

and the other kind thing I was going to do was to go get new strings for the Ukele he has that he popped a string on.

I asked if he wanted that done. Answer no.

OK then
Just glad the suit jacket was not super pungent!! HA A little vinegar spray and it likely will be ok... it was not as bad as the dress shirt and the other stuff washed.

Ce la vie.
These kids are doing OK overall. I just wish they would accept my help and coaching without such resistance to me in particular.

I swear it is like years of negative conditioning from their father saying negative messages about me ( The oldest DOES NOT treat me the way these younger three do!) is still a big part of the problem. The condiditoning of their thought in relationship to me. Its like they judge more based on repeated messages given when they were with him more of the time, than they actually have judged the actual experiences.

AND TRUE They do judge the ACTUAL NEGATIVES of my behavior and were hurt by me picking them up late ( like the anger that when I was commuting I could never get on time to pick up my kid and get them to Civil Air Patrol without being freaking 5 to 15 min late.....)

But it is so weird to me as their Dad MISSED so many school performances,and sporting events, and social things they were invited to cause he didn't even think them important.But I went to every one I could go to.

It is just weird their memories and their perception. It is bizarre at times they say shit so misaligned with reality.

OK, off to kill this day. I will start with a run with Bellatrix. Exercise is so good for me and after being tired yesterday think it will seriously help.

The more I thought about it I have been thinking I want to offer a place for my friend, as a friend! so he doesn't have to drive back to DC at some late hr. But he was saying he would like to just chill and work together, hang out here the next day. To me that sounds even more intimate in a way than anything- I mean someone in my personal space. That makes me take pause...I think he wants to kinda pick up where we left off dating. That is something I think he wanted when we dated- for me to host and not for him to be the host all the time. It was not an option due to my kids at the time. But they have become more open to having folks here. They also have healed MORE and their tolerence is better for dealing with others! (SCHOOL Helped!) We dated in the EARLY Covid outbreak time.
BUT I was recalling and thinkging about how I had concerns about his pushing boundary of the physicality of our relationship ;ast time I went to his place. I wanted to talk and he was like "lets' go upstairs" and it was all too easy to acquiesce. Funny as when we first dated-pushing boundaries is something which he did not do for months- he was super respectful dating for months and letting that develop slowly. I mean I even gave feedback sometimes you have to make a move and I thought he was not CLEAR in the fact when he WAS into me. I mean in that dating relationship initally honestly I was ready to sleep with him before it happened! Cause we would go out to dinner and then leave the restaruant and he would give a nice kiss and say bye then head to his car. I was getting the signals he was not interested or that into me. BUT The thing is once we spent time together ( I mean we did sleep with each other for a good year? MAybe more? I would see him every other weekend? IT was perfect.... honeslty as I didn't want more than that.... I was not in the mindset of co mingling lives BUT I Think that IS What he is ultimately looking for. I was in mindset of a nice dating relationship and sure sharing intimacy nice too... But it was so very different from having fallen in love. I was not madly in love with him).

I mean so I felt like last time I saw him it was just too EASY For him to seduce me beacuase-- well he IS Attractive and he IS so gentle and compassionate in his approach
BUT HE CROSSED A BOUNDARY We had discussed and he had NOT followed through on our agreement
and I WAS Super angry

Sure I addressed it and we moved on.... as friends....

But no matter how flattering it is he again expressed he would like to sleep with me the thing is I am not feeling it. And I want to be able to welcome a FRIEND HERE

and I KNOW he is going to be respectful
BUT I have to be really CLEAR and BE sure he doesn't only want to stay and spend time with me if there is a sexual relationship.

My saying I am flattered but NOT NOW might have been too ambiguous

That is on me to be clear.

So I have to chat with him.

BUT I am embracing wanting to host my friend. He is a player... he is out there playing... I am just not looking to do that. Hey what is good for the goose is good for the gander.. but I am just not feeling it.
I mean he is not long term relationship material as long as he is chasing seeking true love. HE will keep looking. Cause it doesn't exist and he is not creating it. He is a recipe for a nice fling. But its not going to more than that.

It just doesn't seem worth it but I do enjoy his companionship! I just don't want to SLEEP with him- and it is not because I don't find him attractive, but it is because of a different set of values and looking for actual different things.
Different set of spiritual and sexual values; different valuation of sexuality. For me sex is about the relationship.
We are not there yet in our current relationship and not sure we could be. I enjoy his companionship
but he is still so clearly on that quest. Which is so obviously incompatible. I mean he knows me. He was not that into me. I was not that into him. That is not going to change overnight.

So I know on my to do is call to talk with him! BUT SELFISHLY NOT before I clean the fuck out of this house...
cause there is still the attraction and excitement and joy that he enjoys my company even if not into each other, and the fact it was theraputic and relazing to spend the time I did spend with him.

We all have different levels and needs and expecatiations for intimacy. Just thinking not a good idea really to have him here if he is seriously attracted and wanting to sleep with me and I am not ready to do that. For a couple reasons: If I am really not feeling it but he is-
well that is uncomfortable and could be down right frustrating and I have heard this from Art and Dr. Fauci they feel REJECTION when a woman doesn't want to sleep with them- not sure if that is cause they are not emotiaonlly mature regardless of age or if that level of feeling abandoned is NORMAL- IDK , think cause of their low self esteem personally- but regardless- and think could be true of anyone that if the person DESIRES another and it is not recipricated there are going to be a few NATURAL Feelings
perhaps personalizing the response thinking it is ABOUT YOU and a response to YOU (Which many times it is not! It is about WHERE THE OTHER PERSON IS AT).

Or a misalignement- as in this case, of how sexuality, or rather when sexuality should be shared in a relationship.

I feel like I have had a shift in that.IN that I want ALIGNMENET Of my secuality with a loving committed relationship.

That has not been the case in the past.

YES So I do have to have the conversation with my guy friend.

I don't want to sleep with him, as although I don't judge those who are going to get good sex where they can find it....
I don't just wnat to be a commodity in the market... a readily availble source of that for him so he is going to take full advantage without any attachement or actual concern and care for me. I mean he does treat women like commodities I think. Honestly he dates and then discards when the mystery is gone and he has unraveled to know all he can know
and moves on to the fun and excitement of a new toy. I mean I think he is such a good person in the things he devotes his time to. But I also think his relationshio in the dating world is somewhat differerent than what I would desire in someone I want to have the possibility of truly giving my heart to. I am not seeing him really WANT commitment.
On the contrary
I see a player.

and that is fine as he is obvious and clear about that.
But its not a good idea just now when vulnerable cause so hurting to have him spend time HERE if I am going to possibly be vulnerable to sleeping with him

and Oh I don't know

It seems I would not even regret it.
that is not it...
not that I would

But rather

not worth taking the RISK cause I am concerned about his laisee faire attitude

that is the key
I don't want the HEALTH Risk.

I don't see possibility of my heart being broken at all. I have had those wonderful relationships knowing they are not leading to long term commmitment and OK with them. I don't know why this guy seems like he is not only willing to sleep with whomever will but I guess cause he has a reasonable degree of SUCCESS in doing so! HA HA I mean he is attractive... etc...

So he has not trouble finding lover. That is my take.

Maybe I am overthinking it. But basically want to be sure if my friend is here HE is not frustrated it being friends.
And then - will it just be TOO INVITING that it is too natural and comfortable and familar that I would be with him, even if I know it is not the wisest descion? NOT being particularly empotionally strong just now and in my healing phase I need friends but do not need to have that kind of healing! HA
or that kind of .... hmmm.... opportunistic , being taken advantage of? There is a possibilty of that... I am not naive. A man may seize any opportunity to be a savior HA HA
I mean I see the rescuer tendencies. That has not been lost on me that he has fallen for women when they are needy, vulnerable, and I am not interested in that kind of dynamic.
So have to see if he can be one and also be a good friend to him by helping if I can but NOT if the logistics and all considerations are not going to be truly good for him.

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