2022-07-11 - 7:05 a.m.
Seth Perler- The best ADHD coach out there
So validating as yes, it is hard to let kids have autonomy and let it be-
Failure of course is a loosely learned term.
Look at the validity of the hard thing. YES
(For the one)
She said "Dad found it. But I think its a good one"
I said. "I agree! But I think you need to really figure out what it is YOU want to do, what gives you energy and enthusiasm. If that is it GREAT, but I don't see you doing that kind of work just for joy. Figure out what it is you want to do for your joy, cause there has to be something you really enjoy- then study THAT"
How to get progress with a negative narrative:
The 2nd kid totally has buy in and ownership but then PROBLEM with follow through. This is the kid who WILL be an engineer. They just don't follow through for whatever reason.
The Time Managment issue is a big one for me.
To chunk the task
this is what I am trying to do with my kids as far as getting jobs. The whole idea of it is apparently very overwealming
Its an issue of getting the kids to sit and start. Stretch an push themselves rather than sit in resistance.
Its the moving and get momentum. Now I did coach them through the damn project of getting the hall cleaned. By chunking and bringing part of the task to them.
My method usually is bring one item at a time and ask "Do you want to keep this" But then I am doing the task by asking them to do the one thing at a time with my faciliation-
It is the calming the nervous system down that I think I am not particually good at ( or that even if I am good at it my kid's (the one) nervous system is so overreactive that they immediately are triggered and use the defense of agression at any push to do ANYTHING.
BUT I have to not retreat in face of that agressive response ( Which is what I WAS trying to do- trying to wait for a moment the kid was going to be calm)
*To be fair it has gotten better
NO free pass to abuse me even for a moment. I should never be sreamed at , yelled at
Its not acceptable to be so controlling and expect others to never talk to you when you are in community
IT is NOT acceptable to be rude and dismissive without consideration of other's feeling and this kid DOES need to learn to regulate emotion and responses whever they are pushed to engage EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE
Hell they manage everywhere else
So the interesting thing to me was that yesterday I pushed that issue of the mess in the hall and recently pushed the issue of getting the rooms cleaned. They love to talk of my lack of boundaries but the house being an absolute mess all the time is to me a lack of THEIR respect for this being a shared space. The fact there are three of them ganging up on me and disregarding my wishes does not make it any less respectful.
They totally have a misaligned sense of entitlement. The fact they don't feel any ,I don't know, DESIRE To help out at home. Its weird as in their Dad's home I KNOW They HAVE To do chores. I know how he is like a drill seargent and then they fall into line. Its like they still don't know how to function without that kind of BEING Controlled. I figured at some point they would get out of trauma brain and learn how to make their own decisions and be self motivated and it would start in their own spaces their own rooms then extend to taking ownership in their own home here. But they only take ownership by insiting their shit is everywhere and staking claim to use of all the spaces in this home but NOT to the point of CARING for the spaces. Its more like animalistic marking with their messes! HA HA Like the very basic first step happened but there is slow growth into CARING for the spaces in this home.
They are entitled to the sanctity of their rooms but I can't have the one having filthy sheets and dust piling up when she is not engaging in self care. She is 17 still ( I forget ages sometimes... ok often)
Thing is I have TRIED To NOT DO IT FOR TheM. But found they just don't freking mind the mess. It gets too much for me and I HAVE To clean as I don't want to live in MY HOUSE Like that!
I just hate that they try to attack me with such vengence when I am just trying to curate a peaceful and ORDERLY home not build on chaos and patterns of freaking emotional outbursts of anger. I am glad it is a peaceful home but the problem is when I try to establish order so it can ALSO be clean and orderly - then they erupt into anger. They really do and it is so ugly and disappointing.
IT is all about control!
Control of their emotions and how to regulate and communicate is a bit harder... they have gotten BETTER . Honeslty tremendous progress over the years. The last place they need to grow is in that relationship with ME.
I am tired of absorbing the blows of their emotional responses and outbursts to NORMAL interaction of a parent!
I was intending on bringing a suit jacket ( which frankly was a bit funky) to a laundromat to clean it for the one college student. It was in a bag and I was going to bring it to one of the cheaper cleaners next time I drive East. My kid who lives in the basement came home with a new suit which is his birthday gift from Dad. It is nice they went shopping and that is what he wanted. He went off on how I am not to touch his expensive clothes in his closet. (I had hung the nicer clothes in that closet after I washed them last weekend.) This kid had not really been upset intiially that I laundered and the room was no longer stinky! But when the others were going off he jumped on the bandwagon of complaining I did not respect his boundaries. So as he was lecturing me to not ever touch his things I did say
He said No
and the other kind thing I was going to do was to go get new strings for the Ukele he has that he popped a string on.
I asked if he wanted that done. Answer no.
Ce la vie.
I swear it is like years of negative conditioning from their father saying negative messages about me ( The oldest DOES NOT treat me the way these younger three do!) is still a big part of the problem. The condiditoning of their thought in relationship to me. Its like they judge more based on repeated messages given when they were with him more of the time, than they actually have judged the actual experiences.
AND TRUE They do judge the ACTUAL NEGATIVES of my behavior and were hurt by me picking them up late ( like the anger that when I was commuting I could never get on time to pick up my kid and get them to Civil Air Patrol without being freaking 5 to 15 min late.....)
But it is so weird to me as their Dad MISSED so many school performances,and sporting events, and social things they were invited to cause he didn't even think them important.But I went to every one I could go to.
It is just weird their memories and their perception. It is bizarre at times they say shit so misaligned with reality.
The more I thought about it I have been thinking I want to offer a place for my friend, as a friend! so he doesn't have to drive back to DC at some late hr. But he was saying he would like to just chill and work together, hang out here the next day. To me that sounds even more intimate in a way than anything- I mean someone in my personal space. That makes me take pause...I think he wants to kinda pick up where we left off dating. That is something I think he wanted when we dated- for me to host and not for him to be the host all the time. It was not an option due to my kids at the time. But they have become more open to having folks here. They also have healed MORE and their tolerence is better for dealing with others! (SCHOOL Helped!) We dated in the EARLY Covid outbreak time.
I mean so I felt like last time I saw him it was just too EASY For him to seduce me beacuase-- well he IS Attractive and he IS so gentle and compassionate in his approach
Sure I addressed it and we moved on.... as friends....
But no matter how flattering it is he again expressed he would like to sleep with me the thing is I am not feeling it. And I want to be able to welcome a FRIEND HERE
and I KNOW he is going to be respectful
My saying I am flattered but NOT NOW might have been too ambiguous
That is on me to be clear.
So I have to chat with him.
BUT I am embracing wanting to host my friend. He is a player... he is out there playing... I am just not looking to do that. Hey what is good for the goose is good for the gander.. but I am just not feeling it.
It just doesn't seem worth it but I do enjoy his companionship! I just don't want to SLEEP with him- and it is not because I don't find him attractive, but it is because of a different set of values and looking for actual different things.
So I know on my to do is call to talk with him! BUT SELFISHLY NOT before I clean the fuck out of this house...
We all have different levels and needs and expecatiations for intimacy. Just thinking not a good idea really to have him here if he is seriously attracted and wanting to sleep with me and I am not ready to do that. For a couple reasons: If I am really not feeling it but he is-
Or a misalignement- as in this case, of how sexuality, or rather when sexuality should be shared in a relationship.
I feel like I have had a shift in that.IN that I want ALIGNMENET Of my secuality with a loving committed relationship.
That has not been the case in the past.
YES So I do have to have the conversation with my guy friend.
I don't want to sleep with him, as although I don't judge those who are going to get good sex where they can find it....
and that is fine as he is obvious and clear about that.
and Oh I don't know
It seems I would not even regret it.
not worth taking the RISK cause I am concerned about his laisee faire attitude
that is the key
I don't see possibility of my heart being broken at all. I have had those wonderful relationships knowing they are not leading to long term commmitment and OK with them. I don't know why this guy seems like he is not only willing to sleep with whomever will but I guess cause he has a reasonable degree of SUCCESS in doing so! HA HA I mean he is attractive... etc...
So he has not trouble finding lover. That is my take.
Maybe I am overthinking it. But basically want to be sure if my friend is here HE is not frustrated it being friends.
Today a bit of actual work ( very little already done!) And then with NEW Company the 1099 for first client (old employer)! - 2022-07-13
Tomorrow is another day. To bed now. - 2022-07-12
Transition questions for my boss - 2022-07-11
Found what was the outstanding unpaid medical bill discovered and paid last week! - 2022-07-11
Nice day overall; but busy. Dr appt, store, pharmacy; therefore, house still a mess! - 2022-07-11