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2022-07-11 - 6:31 p.m.

Spoke to my DC guy friend to let him know I am just not up to hosting him; as he clarified the event is tomorrow. Had it been NEXT week I would have been ready.
Then would have had time for the conversation about how not quite ready to consider intimacy - just not there yet.
Not sure ever would be with him but also not ruling out the possibility considering where he is at and what he wants in a relationship.

I mean we all grow and change; and all evolve...

So who knows. I am not thinking likely he and I are aligned. But can't tell until spend more time with him as honestly its been a couple years since did.

(Maybe that is the mistake? That same kind of thinking which led me to date Art again? Maybe when it was not a good fit for whatver reason it is just not a good fit and move forward just with friendship?)

Men are... well men.

I mean the guy that Art was so freaked out about and worried I would be still interested in -
who Art was like "He is going to text you again"

After I said "You need not worry as I have let him know not interested cause in a relationship and that was just a fun FLING until such time as either of us wanted to actually persue a REAL relationship. We both knew we were not going to have one. Hell I am too old for him! If he wants to be serious it will be to settle down, consider kids.. hell I think he was excited about that when he was in love in his late 20s. He is still healing from that I think! I think it hit him HARD when the girlfriend he had moved in with he was calling fiance apparently cheated on him and he was blindsided.

In any case I was CORRECT that guy has GOOD BOUNDARIES, and he WOULD NOT reach out to me.

He has not at all.

And I knew he would not. The ball is in my court. I also know if I reach out to him, provided he is SINGLE, he would respond.

Similar to the D.C. guy- he was not going to reach out to me after we had broken up. It was a long time since we broke up but then when our mutual friend was really very ill she gave him as her point of contact to know how she was.

That was the connecting thread that got us to talking and being friends again.

MOST people GET boundaries. After a break up you leave the person to be. Leave them to move on with their life.

You can't maintain friendship right away (for some - never can, nor should! It can be HARD to not be comfortable with the physicality of interaction if you were USED To that. BUT when it is not appropriate to the CURRENT relationship, but if there is still attraction and familiarity and that is a risk of temptation hell best leave each other alone and understand some wise reasoning behind not being friends.

Let your past live in the past and move forward!

That is really what GROWTH is.

I also find it interesting that it is a narcissistic behavior apparently to idealized past lovers/relationships! To have an unrealistic memory and to focus on the past nostaligicallly and often to even TALK about the past person as if they are still someone who you could have relationship with. Although I think the talk is exclusively to a current partner in a manipulative way becuase in a narcissists mind, as much as they sometimes have problems being jealous I think they LIKE to have their partner feel jealous. They like to make it seem like there is competition for their affection as it feeds their ego, and also if they talk about others it gives them a sense of CONTROL ( false sense) but gives a sense that they have more power than their partner.

Its rather messed up.

I think some who are dating multiple folks at the same time also do this. It is ego feeding them and giving a sense of control as they have no actual dependency on another.

OK, so was glad to talk to my friend and let him know once I looked around my house that I am not comfortable/ready to host. I really need to get this place in shape! I didn't make much progress! Just got that one last box emptied and broken down and one more bag of clothes to donate in the car from the hall. I did find two cute sundresses I am keeping that used to be one of my kids! (One is a dress that it is funny the two now trans/ masculine presenting young adults used to FIGHT OVER. IT belonged to one and the other would steal it at the time! HA HA Yeah one of my kid had this issue as a kid of being clepto with things they wanted. They took siblings stuff-- almost compulsively. Came home from a summer program once and there were clothing items there I am sure were swiped... although when I asked they said their roommate gave them the clothes. I was highly suspicious as I don't think at the time they became friends.I had been told the dance major roommate of my music major kid ( it was Governor's School actually- in HS); did not see each other at all after day one as they were in different programs really. Happy this kid has grown up and I think DOES not do that anymore. Compulsive eating also was a thing and I think both are anxiety driven,and impulse control issues, and I think trauma brain informed... so the good news is I think that older kid of mine has improved in so many ways and does not have those issues thankfully. (I hope)

I still never got MY summer clothes out of the attic! But this sundress wearing today is comfortable!

The house is now 77 degrees. I open up the windows at night and we run fans to blow the cool air in. It was 71 degrees when I shut everything up this morning and thankfully got my butt out of bed and went for a short run with Bellatrix!

The Seth Perler comments were motivating. CHUNK a goal! So as he wants 90 days of exercise he looks at just the small daily chunk and starts small. SO I thought,
"I will just run briefly- even 15 minutes better than none."
and you know that worked! It felt less intimidating and I got my butt out there.

I was worried it was too late as it was 9 when I started- but honestly I did it quickly then got myself on line and working by 9:30 ish.

I actually did have real work to do today. A couple of reports to be sure are completely up to date. I want to leave everything complete and orderly as I transition.

Tomorrow is the in office day.

I mistakenly set a job interview for noon forgetting I am working in office! OOPS

I will take a break and go navigate that zoom interview using my cell phone.
It will be awkward but work!

This is an interview for a low paying job which would be super fun. It also, even though low paying, would be a decent career move. It won't hurt me and could help me in the long run.

I just love learning something new and working toward a shared vision. I like the vision of this hiring manager- in fact I applied as I know the person from professional organization experience.

I just want to work from someone I can LEARN from!

She is definately a seasoned professional I can learn from.

Enough about that. Again If they like me it will be interesting as I may in fact have some options of jobs which are very different from each other in scope of the work and salary.

And once again I will not take the highest paying job- but I will pretty much try to ignore the pay part and look at what the work is, values, aligment and if a good fit.

The one job I turned down once had a dingy depressing basement office. I saw it and thought "hell no- I am NOT spending 40 hrs a week HERE; I don't care HOW much you pay me!"

Not worth it.
Environment is really important to me.

On last round I had a competing offer which was full time but the office was really not as comfortable, the people not as friendly, and it was blasting FOX news. Oh hell no, I just could not do it!! HA HA

Well if all else were a perfect fit sure I would have... but I just was so pleased with the actual laid back vibe of my current company.

I mean once again, today part of my job was to ask for an extension.

I LOVE THAT about this company. We adjust deadlines for deliverables rather than have people work crazy hrs and have no healthy work life balance.
The request was immediately granted! YES

I don't know why some companies don't get it. It's not hard to ask for more time and often the response is "Sure" and then you don't have to work insane hours under pressure- which is most often just artificial pressure of fake deadlines that are able to be moved! Deadlines are there to get it done! To motivate! To move things forward!
BUT if they are too aggressive.
or rather "May we have more time?"

OK but I am rambling and have a job application to complete. The one almost finished Sat night when meeting my friend! Time to go back and really complete it ( Again!)

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