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2022-07-13 - 9:58 a.m.


In my one checking account I had transfered everything out to pay the morgage but for 22.50.

I then got locked out and just got back in as had to figure out why I got a notice THAT bank account was overdrawn

and by the same amount What?


Turns out it is July.
In July the bank autodrafts the $45 annual fee for a safe deposit box.

How did I forget about that??

It happens EVERY YEAR
Ce la vie.

In other morning news I enjoyed a REALLY NICE RUN with Bellatrix

BUT as I sit here I keep dozing off!! UGH
That has not happened to be in a long time!

Time for coffee and food...
maybe then I won't doze off!
AND The amazing boss lady who ran one company I supported was so positive in connecting with me on Linked In. That alone made me happy. She apparently had not read of my new company at first-

Today she left a lovely note saying "Congratuations!" and that she will reach out when needs support.

Honestly she is my professional hero.

Its hard to describe how different the culture of her company is other than the authenticity and honesty and RESPECT she has for all is so very different.

I mean she lives her values.

She raised money to support the Black Lives Matter movement when it bubbled up.

She wanted to be fully present for all employees to talk about how that made them feel-
and she has a really diverse team.

It is the one place that walks the walk of full support of diversity hires and it feels genuine and does not feel like its BS just cause it serves the business.

Her parents came here as immigrants.
She hustled and got a computer science degree and is an unparalleled project manager.

She picks up clients for whom she provides that skill set. And then she grew her business with a whole amazing team supporting others.

She ends her team stand up calls with
"Lets create jobs for people!"

And she does it by AMAZING Quality of work and consistently hustling with proposals to win more work.

She is total TYPE A.

And I loved working for her.

I did want a change to have slower work pace to be fully present for my kids needs.
AND to learn to NOT be a workaholic out of an unhealthy need to NOT Be still and sit with self-cause with trauma to be overcome some really have trouble being still.
That is when the anxiety and PTSD kicks in.

BUT I have done that. And as long as the work flow is not too intense and it doesn't demand my energy so I am depleted and CAN'T be fully engaged at home I know I can do this work and have work life balance.
Running my own company that is

If I land a few clients.

I hope the existing company still does leverage me
AND I hope she flips work my way too and then I get one or two more clients with consistent work to get the income I need.

I honestly need to INCREASE it by a good amount to cover all the medical expenses.

I am confient I can

But building a business does not happen overnight. Alot of folks moonlight at first while in a full time job. I may have to do that if I don't land clients soon-
therefore I am interviewing.
I got an email to set up another interview. (I had one yesterday - not a good fit for the role but it was worth having the conversation as it may be someone I can consult with OR in fact volunteer with as it is a professional org that provides educaiton in the space I work in! I LOVE that org so when they had a posting had to send my resume to learn more about it. They were gracious to call me to have a conversation even though far along and honestly ready to make an offer to someone. I apprechiated that as honestly I do envisioning GIVING BACK MORE.

I am involved in a chapter as their Marketing Director- but there is no one leading the Education peace to have events To market!! I have tried to recruit.... not successfully.

My project for them is to get a web site designed and up and running. It can be done for a really nominal cost of just hosting if I do it myself. That one doesn't have to be kicking good! It may be simple- and I can manage that. It won't need potential client intake forms and lots of action buttons to compel interaction like my professional site I hired the expert for!
It just needs to be informative! BUT not essential until the chapter starts being actually ACTIVE and has things/events and information helpful to others to inform them of!

Really not activities or content to share yet.

I have been staying in the lane of marketing... but think maybe will branch out to help them further if no one else steps up to plate.

BUT again I am trying to curate a perfect work life balance and valuable time giving back.

Church roles are already there as a priority for volunteer work.
The Arts org for the kids/and those with disabilities.
So marketing was enough for that professional org board. I just do not want to take off more than I can chew.

Already 10:30

I had real work today- stared at 9 sharp but was done by 9:25. Quick NDA review then signed it.

But I do have to send back the 1099
meaning I have to work for MY COMPANY ( I can't BILL this time on the clock!! NO!!!)

So I wanted to actually just be present and on line and YES am fucking billing for the hours here available to support. I fucking can't afford not to.
BUT I am going to also develop a really clear document of Statement of work to append to the 1099 Agreement.

And affix the PRICING table.

Along with the funding arrangement/agreement.

I am not quite content with same rate considering no 401K anymore.

I have not handed back the 1099 because I never got clarity of what she wants me to support.
BUT I am thinking perhaps submit a really fleshed out propoal. Suggest all the projects I SUGGESTED to do that the CFO shot down and then send the proposal to the CEO and VP and her all at once? Is that passive agressive and a BAD idea??

I am not sure...
I don't know if she ever vetted anything more I wanted to do to her co-horts Ce level execs. OR if she just shot down the offerings without consideration.

AND I don't know WHY
because it makes HER unconfortable and feel like she is scruitinzed? Changes the power dymanic in her mind?
I mean process improvement does make some vulnerable.
I get it
But you really shouldn't AVOID IT

So honestly I am trying to figure out what this business needs and my added value.

I don't think it is in me playing small.

I don't think it is in me NOT POINTING OUT the areas I SEE as their vulnerability that they really do need to shore up in some way.

I dont' think my best added value was in fact reporting to the CFO who shot down when I tried to improve certain things or create more clarity of process and procedures.

So I am thinking I need a cup of coffee and to prepare an actual power point of the gap anlysis
The current state ; and gaps I see in their processess and work flow and other organizational vulnerabilities to clean up ( There are two I concretely advocated for I would like them to FIX problems of!!)
and create a business case for services to address those issues.

A real proposal to pitch.

I am not sure if that is welcomed by the OTHER Leaders.

So I may just nix the idea and leave them with the sketch of those ideas in their company computer where I call attention to them to the boss lady CFO. I mentioned one as wanted to be sure she recalled the first iterative draft of a procedures doc and process overview diagram I sent her. She did say she has it.

So I think perhaps considering the CEO threw shade at me yesterday...

First of all I called him as REALLY Wanted to have a conversation to learn WHY and WHEN he lost faith in me. I wanted to address it if it was due to the reasons I suspect. he texted back "Can I call you later?" but never called. He tends to be avoidant at times--- I mean I heard this from some of our counterparts-- he avoids engaging if he is upset about something and someone else will take over the conversation/negotiation. ( He can be impulsive and he KNOWS it!) But when in office- he avoided eating lunch with the rest of us as it was ordered in for us. I just got a sense he may have been avoiding me.

THEN I made one comment about how good it felt to shred the artifacts I don't need to keep from notes from the lengthy and complex and VERY CONTENTIOUS at the time past negotiation I managed to smooth over and resolve and handle really well... and I said something about the latest really positive communication from that partner... as the shredder is kinda close to his office,
and he flippantly
IGNORED the whole context of the history of that deal and said
"Oh that's contracts 101, It's right out of their playbook"


It was just so condescending and dismissive and fucking rude.

and no it is not fucking basic. SURE their email acknoweldging humbly that they understand the information shared in recent NOTICE..... is standard..But the fact of their humility AND That is was sent in a FRIENDLY manner not with bitterness and contention at all is cause we have come a LONG Way in that relationship! Come so far we don't have to fear being SUED is my take.....


and I swear there was a possibility of that. Possibility of an UGLY situation getting uglier but it was handled well.
I feel like I ROCKED the work they hired me for and I get it... they don't need me now.
But don't do that fucking thing of being dismissive of my skill and pretending you don't know how good I was/how good I AM at the things I did for you that added much value.
Cause your are PISSED I was late for the one company event??

I don't know if he even knows that we were still negotiating the other big deal just hours before that event or not.

That is thing about people who are passive agressive. They don't TALK TO YOU About what they are pissed about. You have to guess
then you can TRY to engage in converation to perhaps develop a better relationship
BUT if they are AVOIDANT
there is not much you can do-
but accept their distancing and let it be.

OK That interaction had to be thought of rather than dismissed by me and writing about it helped ME process it and see what I can do. I already tried to talk to the CEO. He clearly does not want to-
SO my idea of the absolute FREEBIE of giving them a really clearly articlated gap analysis and roadmap of how to fix some of their issues-


NO Proposal of the projects I wanted to do that were ignored by my immediate boss;

And no FREEBIE of their vulnerabilites and how to fix them.

They won't land well. The CEO obviously lost faith in me after I was late for his big event; and he may be friends for all I know with the asshole I called a mysogonistic jerk that was super condescending in that one final big deal that I did close.

(The guy was though!)

I am not going to expend energy in spaces not welcoming my input.
Just walk away and engage when they ask me to.

AT least the CFO was once again gracious and gives a positive message about transtioning to 1099. I wanted clarity of what to do with the computer. She suggested just bring it back two weeks from now when the whole team will be in the office again. So that is good- just sends message of trust of me.
I have to support them with my own equiptment.
Not hard- I have a laptop bought just for my business and I have security set up with adequate storage to safely work for clients.

But it was nice she was laid back about that. It does show trust. SO DIFFERENT From when Large Companies fire folks that have been there for years and hand a box and say "Take what you can gather. You have 15 minutes ; we shall ship the rest" And they don't even give people time to say goodby to FRIENDS they worked with for years. I mean so different.
I do apprechiate my boss' respect.

OK that all worked through; I will now quickly draft a SIMPLE Time and Materials Statement of Work with a basic overview of my work-
and flip back her 1099 Agreement to her to work as a consultant.

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